the long-awaited update

The response went like this:

'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.

Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'

He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.

That was the heart-cracking response.

Wow, how to explain how I feel...

Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.

Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.

I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.

The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.

I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!

I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.

I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.

That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.


reminiscing

"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."

I had written that back in March 2004.

The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.

Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.

Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.

At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.

For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.

well now i've done it!

...in writing.

I couldn't do it in person, absolutely couldn't!! We're writing people anyway, so I thought it would be ok.

Now I must check e-mail in case he has written something to me. I had asked that he e-mail just so I know it has been read.

I'm scared.

But I don't regret anything. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having done what I never thought I would do. This comes at a really good time in my life. I've been so happy lately because of a new job that will soon make my living conditions so much more suitable to my lifestyle.

I figured that if I were ever gonna do this, now's the time. I'm not going to him with a need for anything. I'm going to have work to keep me busy...fulfilling work. I just hope he's in a good place too.

I'm so nervous. He's my best friend. I'm so scared that now I've gone and ruined everything. The night before the hand-off, I cried because I missed what would now be changed forever.

I'm so incredibly scared that he won't be in my life anymore. There were two things that it came down to:

1) I really wanted to go through with it, not because I wanted to be with him (because, of course, this isn't guaranteed), but because I just wanted him to know. It's good to know, I figure, that someone cares about you so much. He should know that. I have no expectations, whatsoever. I just want him to know.

2) No matter what, it's of the utmost importance that we remain friends.

All this then led me to wonder how much I actually want a relationship with him. I mean, if friendship is the bottom line that I want for all time, why do this? ...Because I do want more, but perhaps the truth is, I care about him so unconditionally, that this is no longer the focus of this whole thing.

I find that I can't even hope for something that has to do with him just as much as it has to do with me. What I mean is, I don't want something that he doesn't want.

Especially after my last relationship, I want someone who wants me equally. I can no longer yearn for something just for me when it comes to this. He has to meet me half way.

I'm now going to check my e-mail. I'm scared silly. He's precious to me. I need him in my life because taking him away will leave a gap. It's a need that's not essential to my being, but it's there anyway. Needs can be replaced by other needs, kind of like how when your hungry, water will make you full for a while. If I can't get food from one place, I'll get it from another. I know this is true. But I want him to fulfill it---that need for a companion who knows me better than anyone else---proof in another that I exist in a very particular way.

All in all, I'm glad that I decided something and acted on it. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't just been handed to me as an opportunity to simply say 'yes' to, if I wanted. Instead, I'm handing him the opportunity, creating it, really. And that's quite fulfilling.

I find that I do feel stronger, and that, I'll never regret.

return

Eep! The Ex, let's call him "X", is back for a month-long visit. He seems upset that I hadn't returned any of his e-mails. He pointed out it's been 2 years, with a hint of the implication that I should be over it and be friends already. Fuck. That made me angry. I'm sorry, but friendship after a break-up can't be pushed! He had been calling all the shots..."I'll come back after a year", "I want to keep travelling", "I still really care about you", "I want to be friends". Yeah. All you. It hurt that he really didn't get what his leaving did to me. To expect me to just be friends already seems to me such a haughty, presumptuous demand!

I had explained my need for space for an undetermined amount of time. I told him that maybe I'm one of those people who just can't be friends. I'm not sure. I hate that it makes me upset. He even said, "Well, I'm trying to be friends, it's up to you." So apparently, it'll be my fault if we're no longer friends. Great. He can't be blamed for anything. Oh, but wait, um, I'm sorry, you didn't reciprocate my efforts to communicate in order to remain together despite the distance. Technically, you did nothing wrong, merely pursuing your dreams. I can't blame you for that. I don't think I would do it either. But don't push the friendship agenda on me. That's not what I wanted, so don't make me take it. I want to ... someday, but not with it shoved in my face like this. You can't call all the shots---"I've got to go, sorry", "I'm gonna be your friend now". Oh man, it pisses me off!

Why does it upset me like this? I hate that. I want it to just slide over me.

But it upsets me because I cannot believe he has the nerve to be upset over it...to expect friendship. It shows me how much he doesn't understand my side of it at all. I know that his response to the break-up was different. In my experience, guys seem to be able to heal pretty quickly. Or, the more objective statement, is that guys deal with it differently. But at the very least, respect what I decide to do and don't get upset by it.

As one of my best friends wondered, why the hell does he feel the need to be friends with me anyway? What's the point? Let it go. I know that cutting a person off hurts, but break-ups hurt. I find myself half smirking because I'm glad I'm hurting him by not sharing my life, but the other half, it may actually be more than half, feels truly bad that I'm hurting him by not being his friend.

For some reason, his not understanding me with regard to this hurts me. I believe it's because my life had, to a great extent, included him in every aspect. HIM! A guy who couldn't really understand my emotions---who can't, even past the end. He got me in a lot of ways, but not the heart of me. And it saddens me, because I gave a lot of myself and I can't get his acceptance of how I need to deal with this, at the very least.

Then there's the other one. I called him twice. He may not have gotten the message the second time because I gave his mom the impression I would call him. But the first time, I said, "Give me a call if you get a chance." He e-mailed instead, after I e-mailed a little message. That's supposed to replace a return call?

Who the hell am I kidding, he doesn't care either. What's that book called? "He's just not that into you"? Maybe it's time I face facts and forget it altogher.

we had a magical time

...except that one of my best friends was with us and at times I felt like they had more of a connection than we two had that day. You know how there are little touches here and there, like how you say something while lightly touching the other's elbow? Well, that's what was happening, but not with me. Man, was I ever jealous about the elbow thing.

I was feeling myself withdraw as we sat for pints, but luckily, I was having such a good time overall that the feeling didn't take over. Later in the night, I was teaching him a dance and I loved the way he held me, the way he was looking at me. At times, across the table, I'd catch his eye.

I still have no idea. I am no doubt frustrating my readers. I'm sorry.

At the end of the night, I definitely felt like we were getting closer, after we were left alone. It was a creeping in of warmth, so subtle that I almost doubt it. Unfortunately, I had to leave so suddenly coz I had to be picked up from the subway. I can't help but wonder what would've happened. I can't help but ask why God let it happen that way.

It's so weird how I felt strange writing "God" just then. I felt like I'd alienate people who read this somehow. But that's what I thought. I guess, deep down, I still believe that there's a purpose for everything...God, destiny, a grand order.

I really want him in my life. Is it that something continues to stop us because there's still a bit of hesitation? Lately, it's been feeling like we're getting closer to something. I really, really hope that this works out. Please, oh please.

collide

We went out a few nights ago. I kept searching and searching for signs. I can't believe how dejected I felt when he mentioned this girl friend of his that I believe he became close to while he was away. I had to fight hard to shake it off. After all, he has liked me all this time, she's just a friend. But I'm so insecure about this whole thing. It's stupid. I can have guy friends. He can have girl friends. It's just that he's not with me right now. Not yet sure whether he ever will be.

I successfully shook it off though, and I was fine after the show.

We had a wonderful time at the pub. Recalling the night with a friend, I realized how great it really was. We talked about those strange things that people on dates talk about...obscure observations that we share a mutual understanding about. You know, those things that you say because you know it triggers something in the other; because you know it attracts them. Except that I didn't know I was doing it until after replaying it in my head the night after. I also barely noticed he was doing it until the replay.

If it were a real date, it was a damn good one, ensuring a next. But we were just hanging out as friends. And a next time is assured.

At the start of the evening, as we ate, I was looking at his face thinking, "This guy? Seriously? What do you see in him? Can you really see yourself with him?" The thing is, it doesn't matter what my answers are to these questions. I was just seeing him there, in front of me. I didn't need to answer them, in fact, I forgot the questions in very little time. I just know how I feel. Period. The end.

Incidentally, I found myself looking at his lips, wondering how kissing them would work. It's been ages since I've kissed someone.

update?

I haven't told him yet. Haven't changed my mind though.

Like I've mentioned, I've got a specific plan for the whole thing. Of course, I know the plan may not really work out. If I happen to spit the words out before I thought I would, I'm good with that too.

This week has been great though. You know how sometimes you have those convesations that are familiar, but just a tad hesitant? That's what it was like. Interesting and slightly sweet. He called so many times, unexpectedly this week, with invitations to go out, too. Things are looking good.

I could be writing the opposite in a week, but for now, man, is it awesome!! I sure hope things remain this way. I've gotten quite giddy on occasion. I'm enjoying it immensely while it lasts.

i can't believe i still haven't changed my mind

I'm gonna do it...gonna tell him.

We were hanging out a few days ago. There he was, cute as always. Laughing his head off over words. It was great! And I kept thinking, "I'm crossing that line. He has no idea. This could all end. And he has no idea what's coming."

And it seems almost impossible that he will reciprocate. I haven't seen any indication of it lately.

Since making the decision, though, I haven't worried about it as much. It's nice having control of something. Knowing something is coming is better than wondering what life will bring.

I still think about whether I should change my mind, though. Look at all that will change! Could be for something even better. But it could also not be. It could be weird. It may never be the same.

We sat there, free of tension. It was simply nice. And I wondered whether he was thinking of me at all in that way as he spoke. I wondered, when we alluded to the night he told a friend how he feels about me, whether he recalled their conversation in a flash, just as it flashed in my head. It was funny. We were talking about this guy and whether or not he was in this commercial. He didn't believe he was but I said that he actually admitted it. He didn't hear this because he was out talking to our friend while I was talking to the guy. Just as he told me he didn't know about the admission, I realized why and we both looked down at the menus.

I also sent him an e-mail with something funny, but sexual in it. I do this with my friends all the time, but have been careful not to do this to him. I think I may have scared him...no clever quip returned.

Oh man, the things coming to him, and he has no idea. I sure hope I'm not making a mistake. I wish I could read his actions more, but I know I can't really know what he's thinking. We've been steering clear of this topic for 3 years almost, I'm sure we've become good at not being obvious.

Here's hoping that I don't turn back. So far, I haven't changed my mind and it's almost 2 wks since I've made the decision. I haven't acted because there's a rather specific timing involved.

a rainy morning..well, afternoon now

sitting in my room. listen to harry connick jr.'s "come by me" cd. haven't listened to that guy in a while.

such the drama with my mom this morning. she's stressing herself out and i got frustrated. my tone went up. shouldn't do that. she's the sweetest thing ever. all's good now. i apologized and explained my frustration.

hmm...mr. connick's putting me in a calmer mood. reminds me of calmer days of day-dreaming.

strange that i should be quite content today, a rainy day. normally, i'd feel all depressed. nice.

something strange

make a choice

sometimes i feel like i'm getting really close to deciding to tell him. today, i felt myself getting nervous in anticipation of the next time i see him. will i tell him? i wish i knew. i can decide to then change my mind at the last second.

i just don't want life to pass me by, without my having any say in it.

this is really pathetic

ok. this is really pissing me off now. just when i vow to just keep going, to look on the bright side of things; just when i'm feeling pretty good, he has to go and seem like he cares, and then just when excitement creeps up, he says something that makes me go, "what the hell? so, it's like you care and then now you're all nonchalant."

like fuck, seriously, if you're gonna care, care. follow through, damn it! i care sooo much and you say you do too. and then, due to some strange train of thought, no doubt, it's like you've gotten scared again, or uncertain. fuck!

i want so much to just be able to let this go. i don't know how. maybe i'll get so fed up (and more frequently, i feel this way) and i'll drop it. and say 'fuck you' to all your pseudo-caring.

it's just so hard to shake off! i want this to stop. the feelings, i mean. i don't want to care so much. why do i?

i no longer understand why it's not simple. people like each other and go out. why is it easier to go out with someone you don't even like and may not even be all too interested in? i just don't get it!! it doesn't make sense AT ALL!! you see someone in some random place, he gives you his no., you give him yours, you call and off you go in a date. with someone you don't even like. then the one guy that you deeply care about and who really cares about you can't be the same person you go out with. NO SENSE!!

but i can't shake it because i feel like i haven't done much either, not having initiated THE conversation. but why me? why me when he supposedly isn't sure. will our talking clarify my doubts and his doubts. there will always be doubt. why does this doubt have to take over in this case?

scared of not thinking

I've been so busy at work lately that I fortunately have not had much time to think. I know I posted not too long ago about thinking about things again, but I really don't do it much during the day.

As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.

And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.

Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.

I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.

But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.

I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.

I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.

Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.

And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?

another side of me

I like taking pics. This is one of them. More and more I'm seeing amazing photoblogs. I just might create a new link in the sidebar for a few favorites. You can click to enlarge this one.

out again

Went out again last night. Out to a club. More and more I'm thinking I might drop the whole scene. I'm not a big clubber. I mean, I like to dance, but I don't go to pick up. But, my girlfriends really like to dance and they're so much fun to be with, that I don't mind going.

Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.

Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.

The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.

Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.

So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.

So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.

It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.

checking in

sleepy. must sleep, but eyes attached to the net.

funny how spring brings a renewed hope. but then, a fear, too, in case the hope never materializes.

but my is it ever beautiful out. it's a strange phenomenon...the way light can make everything seem better, the way it can make your mind feel free. maybe it just illuminates everything and we become distracted.

how great and bright life can be.

well, this is a pretty haphazard post. but i just felt like posting without much to say.

oh where, oh where will life take me...

why, oh why, do i go to clubs?!

I've been going clubbing almost every weekend lately. It's been a lot of fun, going out with the girls, looking good (oh yeah, we know it!).

I don't go to pick up. I finally decided to try exchanging info with this one guy who didn't talk to me at all except for telling me that I'm really pretty (oh the flattery!). I was honest. I told him I would have to think about contacting him. He e-mailed and I realized I didn't want to go out with him. Or anybody for that matter.

My friends are scared that I'm stuck on the guy I keep going on and on about in this blog. Truth is, this is true. I always think that if someone comes along that makes me think about him a few times, I just might be lured away. You know, it's that whole idea that if I'm not getting what I need, eventually, I'll turn to someone else. I sure hope this is true.

Anyway, I have to say that I CANNOT stand it when guys think they can just grab your ass because you're at a club. Seriously people, wait until we at least make eye contact that seems to say, "come hither." It really, really angered me.

Not every guy is like this, of course. I've had guys just dance with me...no touching I didn't want. I liked that. One night though, holy shit, there was a hand sliding up my thigh 2 minutes into the club.

So why do I go? Who the hell knows. Well...the attention has to be part of it. It's an ego boost knowing I can turn heads, but then I think that for the most part, the guys that do notice just want a quick fix. This is the way it has seemed from my perspective. Sorry for the sweeping generalization. It's like they just want to stick things up things. Ugh!

This past weekend really made me irritated, though. I hate how those hoity-toity clubs aren't even tactful about letting in the people they obviously think belong to their "clientele". You know, you're standing in the supposed guest line and then you see 50 people chit chat with the bouncer and in they go! All this when the club's supposed to be at capacity. GRRRR....!

Really, though, I'm this close to never setting foot in those dressier clubs. Give me a place where I can wear sneaks!!

happy easter

Though I now struggle to keep believing that there is a God who listens to me, that is out to make sure I'm ok, I have to admit that in church today, I was clinging to certain messages that things will all work out. When I was younger, I would pray and no longer worry about anything. I once declared to my mom that I am not worried about anything at all.

Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.

It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.

It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:

a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.

b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.

In reality, it's probably a mix of both.

But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?

I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.

i feel as though i must apologize

...though it strikes me as somewhat odd. I didn't start this blog so that I could write for others, but I've appreciated the visits and the feedback that let me know I'm not alone.

I'm still sorting through a lot of things. Not everything is where I want it to be. But I'm having a great time with my girlfriends, and there are days when I feel closer to something wonderful. In those moments I glimpse the independent woman I know I will be. Independent enough to love without fear of losing, independent enough to risk with hope.

nothing much new

Everytime I decide to write here, it's because I'm feeling really strongly about the topic that always comes up here...my love life. I feel badly about this because readers get a really one-sided view. I sound like a broken reacord. Basically, this blog is like the conversations I have with my friends minus the info about all the other stuff in my life. Yes, I do have other thoughts, but I did get this blog listed under the Dating and Relationships section of the Blogscanada directory, so at the very least, it fills that little niche.

I'm just getting over being sick. I know that in a way, I made myself sick. I mean, I milked it for all it was worth, including days off, because I needed a lot of thinking time. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of SAD. I really didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did get out of bed to ponder a lot.

I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and be really, really excited about going out into the world. So, I'm going to get really detailed and practical about what I want to change and how to get there---the career I want, the apartment (maybe condo?) that I want...

The only part I feel no control over is my love life. And I know that therapists, counsellors, etc. will say that this is something I have control over. But seriously, I was brought up in a very conservative household. I never adhered to conservative beliefs, but I find that habits with regard to saying how I feel in this department are very hard to overcome. Girls just don't tell boys how they feel. The man makes the first move. I don't actually believe in this. I greatly admire women who take charge in this department (and in many other areas of their lives) and go for what they want. I have asked for raises, negotiated hours, stood my ground when I haven't agreed with higher-ups, but I cannot, CANNOT tell him how much I feel about him. I don't understand it. I feel so caged in. It's insane. I just cannot face the possibility that despite how he feels about me, it's just not something he wants to pursue.

So, I either confront this or let it go. I'm discovering more and more that I can do neither. He's here. He's in my life. As soon as I decide not to do anything, he picks up the slack, as though reading my mind, as though knowing I want him to initiate phone calls, meetings, communications. How can I let go of someone who just seems to know? But best friends know. None of this means that his feelings for me are growing. It just means that he cares as a really, really good friend.

My reaction is to just try not to think about it. I'm hoping that my head will clear enough for me to know what to do if I just back off for a while. But like I said, it's as if he has read my mind. He's there as if on cue.

I'm trying to decide just to let it go. I feel as though, with time, I will become convinced of the futility of this wait. But I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get to this point, he'll come around and let go of whatever it is that makes him uncertain.

That's another reason I can't just tell him how I feel...I already know he isn't sure about asking me out to due some mystery reason.

The strong woman in me says, "Well, you don't need a man who doesn't know that he wants you. You want someone who wants you 100%."

But the one who knows him says. Well, if he's not completely ready, I understand. I mean, he's been through a lot. He doesn't want to ruin something so good now. Friendship can last forever, but we all know relationships don't always.

And then I realize that I'm once again in the all-too-familiar mind-trap. "Welcome" says my friend the dark wall in my head.

whee!

A day off for I am sick!! My throat is sore and I've got a good chest cough going.

But that's good, because I feel as though I need a day to regroup.

Man, I'm really having a hard time letting go. Fuck! This blog has gotten so boring with the stupid loop in my head. Ha ha! Somehow the loop begins to have break beats attached to them...awesome!

I'm also still addicted to the computer. I always think that I have to stop.

The good thing about today, though is that I played a couple songs on the piano that I'm thinking of performing sometime. Too bad I can't ask anyone who's going to read this to come check out the gig. That's what sucks about anonymity.

Funny, I have to be careful what to say regardless of whether people know who I am or not. I couldn't speak my mind all the time if I knew that certain people would read this. But, even now that no one knows who I am, I still have to watch that I don't reveal to much.

Oh, this cage, this pretty cage.

Sometimes I wish I didn't really care. Another bad thing is that I don't want people I work with to know this much about me. I do so wonder how other people do it.

More and more, I long to express myself freely, but I find that being brought up to keep private things private, it's really hard for me to do.

On a happier note, I've been keeping myself thoroughly busy, dancing, working, going out with the gals, meeting a few new interesting people here and there, immersing myself in various music scenes. Life really has been quite good. I am rather happy that I'm probably sick from being tired all the time, living life!

Still, the love life isn't going well. I just feel trapped. My brain feels trapped. There isn't anything more I could do to let him know that I really, really like him. Besides, he has already been told. So...he just doesn't like me enough, right? Or is he not saying anything for the same reasons I'm not? A strange stubbornness borne from fear. Fear of what? Fear of not knowing what may come of it.

It's really difficult. And, to be honest, I'm not interested in anyone else, though I have recently enjoyed meeting guys and getting enough attention to boost my ego and spirits. Even exchanged info with this one guy. Before giving it to him, though, I told him that I would really have to think about contacting him because I don't really meet guys at clubs. I just dance with them and talk to them.

I will make more of an effort to post. I do miss it.

uncertainty

I think that a large part of the lack of posts here is that I've been making more of an effort to stop thinking about the same issues all the time.

I do miss this blog, though.

I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.

But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.

Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.

I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.

Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.

I sure can be silly.

But even smart people need that, right?

But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.

I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.

So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.

my first post of the new year

Wow. It sure has been a long absence.

I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.

I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.

Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.

I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."

That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.

I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.

I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.

But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.

He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.

I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.

It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.

But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.

I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.

thoughts for the new year

Everytime I sit down to type, I don't feel like it anymore.

But I thought I would make an effort while I'm ripping CDs.

I haven't been very happy lately. I've been terribly short-tempered, particularly toward my mom who seems to want so badly to just hang out with me. Isn't it always the case that we hurt the ones we love most? It must be some strange way of punishing ourselves. That way, I can hate myself more for being such a bitch.

I extend my meanness toward my dad, who doesn't usually get the brunt of anything because he's such a quiet man. I do this because I don't want to let my mom feel that anyone escapes my bad mood---in a twisted way, I do this to be fair.

I've been watching more movies lately and immersing myself in books. I'm looking for words of wisdom; something to get me out of this mess.

I watched Garden State last night, and the main character began to feel again after coming off medication. The trouble is, that I'm not on medication, but I have felt numb for months now. The worst part, which is, perhaps, I can't tell, different from being medicated, is that I can feel my numbness.

I've lost a passion for many things. Nothing makes me happy or smile for any extended period of time. I know that I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes, I think that that's where that whole kind of thing starts. I wonder how it is people get that way. I have a family and friends who love me and look out for me, but a lot of the time, I feel lonely.

I sound depressed, don't I? Maybe I should be medicated. But, in truth, I haven't lost hope that I can get myself out of this. Nothing I've been through is so terrible that I can't get through it.

And there I go again. Mom interrupted me and I snapped at her. I could have just said I need a half hour. Fuck!

I watched Conan and that made me laugh. Watched Last Samurai...ICK! But, there was beauty in some scenes. Unfortunately, beauty that I don't feel is mine; that doesn't stick with me anymore.

How weak am I that I am like this without anything to blame it on?...no death, no abuse, no physical pain...What should happen to me if something bad does happen? I used to be called brave and strong. I'm neither of those things now.

I'm trying my best stop this and leave it behind for the new year. At midnight, I will toast to my family. I will hug them and kiss them and mean every act. And then there will be no special phone call to greet me, nor will there be anyone for me to call.

Everything is temporary. But I want so much for something to mean something that doesn't have to have meaning.

I want my job to have meaning. I want something to be mine. I want to believe in the good I do for all those people that I help, though in usually small ways, everyday. But it's like I don't have the conviction to believe in what I do for them. I really need this "strength of conviction" that I seem to have lost somehow.

Is it in the loss of independence? I do feel trapped. As though this is it. I've barely started my new job and already I know it's not my place. But that place I want to be seems so distant. I don't have the money to pursue my own dreams. At the same time, I know that I have never invested ALL that I could in its pursuit. The stupid part is that I know part of the reason I didn't is to be with someone I loved. And here again, I find myself waiting.

Is this bad for me? Which route will I regret more? Will it ever all come together?

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. In a grander sense. I wait for a natural solution to things without risking all of me. Maybe my life has just been a series of half-starts. I may say this is because I don't want to close any doors, but perhaps it is that I don't want to blame myself if any door locks behind me.

And suddenly, I'm not so sure what to do. I'm in this bland world all by myself and I don't know what to do with it. I want to get out. I know that I have the power to do this. Only I can change my own view.

I'm fully aware that my life is too short to be spent in sadness. I can make every future second count for something, even if it is just to make someone else smile.

I loved that line from the play, Time of Your Life: "In the time of your life, live, so that in that sweet time there shall be no death for you or for any life your life touches."

I didn't know then how difficult it would be to live by that.

What I don't understand is why this weakness in me is manifesting itself now. Well, I have a theory. It's because I've been separated from someone I loved dearly. And now that there isn't someone immediately there to fill the void, I find myself having to deal with everything on my own.

In truth, I haven't been on my own in a long time. A relationship that lasted almost five years WILL have its impact.

I have prayed for many things. My deepest wish, though I'm not sure that I have prayed for this, is that I learn to be happy on my own. I know, deep down, that this is the only way in which I can be strong again. It's only when I'm whole and know what to do with myself that I'll be able to love life, my family, my friends, other people, completely again.

I'm fighting everyday. It seems such a crybaby problem when people are dying and are experiencing tragedies so much greater than this.

But I wonder whether a personal tragedy, though small, might not be so great as a tsunami, an earthquake. I've never been one to believe that one's problems may be compared to another's. I've always been careful to remember that each person carries his/her own background and set of influences that compound one's reaction to a difficulty.

But, it's a new year. There is the possibility for good that comes with every second, and with it, the possibility for love and beauty. EVERY SECOND!! If I can smile in the next second, it's my duty to try.

It's just so hard right now. But I promise to try.

merry whateveritisthatyoucelebrate!

I celebrate Christmas. It's been up and down for me. I never used to be one to ascribe to the belief that the holidays are difficult. But here I am! I've joined the club.

Whatshisname and I are still good friends. He calls me, we hang out. I don't know exactly where this is going or if it'll go anywhere. You'd think it would be simple now. Boy meets girl, they like each other and give it a shot. Boys and girls, do not become friends with someone you could fall for, that is, if you can help it.

Anyway, as punishment for my being a coward and having someone else do the talking for me, I don't know what exactly was said during "the conversation" and 2 tellings of the story brought up different connotations.

That he likes me is still certain. He's been thinking of asking me out for as long as he has known me, pretty much. Those are the only things I am certain about. Is he still not sure about jumping into a relationship? Was that just my friend's interpretation? Or was that the reason he gave for not acting so far? Meaning that he's getting there.

Some friends say that I may not want to wait around, wasting my time. I'm not sure whether I want to give it up just yet.

There is one thing I know for sure. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy and absorbed in the things I do. I want to look up at the sky more and feel delight at that shade of blue. I want to be carried away by books and music like I once was. I want this dark hole that's in me and that keeps making itself felt when my mind finally clears of thoughts to be filled with happiness again.

And, since that's the only thing I can be sure of. I'll have to go with that.

here i am again

I find myself in that same emotional slump that I fall into almost every night. Tonight I feel it more acutely.

I just don't know what to do about him.

What is it that he's waiting for? Are his actions a way to make up for not being able to date me? Or are they a way of feeling out the situation, letting me know that he's trying to better himself so that one day we can be together?

I don't know which it is. I don't know what to do. He is incredibly important to me. And if I destroy anything, I couldn't ever forgive myself. I want to decide to just let this lie. To forget about it. Don't they say that if someone doesn't jump at the chance to have a relationship with you, it means they're just not interested in that way? Are there ever really any exceptions to that?

Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe it's crazy for me to even hope. What should I do? Talk to him about it. What, so that I can just get my heart trampled on? That must be what I believe to be the truth---that he simply doesn't want this. Otherwise, won't I have a more positive outlook? Wouldn't I take the care he seems to have shown toward me to mean something hopeful? Or am I just protecting myself by thinking negatively?

I no longer know. I have reached the end of my ability to decipher anything to do with this.

First and foremost, we are friends. But I find myself wondering whether to even call him or ask him to go out; just in case it brings on a conversation in which he makes it clear that this means nothing more to him than friendship.

But he has asked me to do stuff. But again, is it simply because he feels bad that he can't give me what I want? Or is it because he's showing me he likes me but needs time to work things out?

I'm so scared that in the time it takes for us to get to where I would like us to be, someone else will find her way into his heart. I'm so scared of that. Because I know how much it will hurt.

Above all, though, I want to remain his friend. But what do you do when it's so hard to be that? I'm afraid of losing that most of all.

So I need to come to a decision. Maybe I just need to let go. To stop thinking about this. I've made that decision repeatedly, and everytime, he does something that gives me hope. But again, maybe that's just friendship.

I need to just be his friend. It's just so hard. I'm suppressing feelings that, at the end of the night, make me cry.

Maybe I'm just too fragile for all of this right now? Maybe all this is too soon? But I want to be ready soon. I don't want to turn my head and find that it's too late. Time has already robbed me of too much and has hurt me too much.

I feel so frustrated, and so alone.

i want a day off

Sometimes, I want to get sick just so that I can get a day off and not have to lie about it.

I feel like I've written that already. I probably have already told someone that already.

And sometimes I wish I could break out of my normal, more silent nature to let the important people (ok, him) know that what they so admire in others lies within me too. That all the admirable miniatures glimpsed in others' words have been thought by my own mind before. That I, too, see things in my own unique way. That perhaps I, too, have written things that would surprise and impress and ring true.

But I can't. If I revealed all it would be for the wrong reasons, as if to say, "See, see, I can do that too. In fact I've done it before. Hey, hey, you! Look here!" It's so pathetic.

Sometimes I wonder what those closest to me would think of what I write here.

and yet i am still single

So the thing is, the reason I know he likes me is because a friend spoke to him about it. I was scared shitless. I figured he would think, 'awww...poor odd, she likes me and i don't like her. but that's ok, we're still friends.'

It turns out, he has liked me for as long as I've liked him. The problem seems to be fear. Fear of ruining something so good in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't rush this. I know I'm so scared myself. I know that I keep thinking that anything can happen between this revelation and its potentially wonderful conclusion.

He may decide that this isn't a good idea after all.

I now also have proof that it doesn't help me to know he feels the same way about me because I still wonder daily whether something has happened to change that. Though, deep inside, I know it hasn't changed.

I think that I was hurt deeply enough the last time that words aren't enough. I've heard words that mean so much one moment and then mean only memories the next. I place no trust in them.

This, of course, led me to think that perhaps I am not so prepared as I thought for another relationship.

Does this mean I shouldn't have one? I don't necessarily think so. Perhaps this just happens when you've been hurt too much already. You second-guess, you pull away, you're scared to look him in the eye too long because it makes you vulnerable and too exposed.

I want this. There isn't a question about it. But I know that I do things that perhaps betray how scared I am and so it's hard for either of us to get in the mood to talk about it.

But, I continue to have a great time with him. I think he knows I know that he knows and that I know that feels the same.

Now it's just a matter of time, right? Until we learn, perhaps, how to be more than friends and ease our way into things? I'm hoping so. It's like there's a delicate crystal between us and we're afraid to touch it in case it breaks and we can't put it back the same way.

I still feel helpless most of the time, though. I'm impatient even though I like things slow like this. I'm impatient for the time all falls into place. But I know I can't do anything to rush the most natural outcome.

It really sucks that I can't even enjoy this tentative, exciting dance. I danced this before and it ended with me being hurt. It's hard for me to enjoy what I know should be making me soar.

he likes me.

...

it sucks that i've gotten keeping a smile on my face down to an art. almost every night, i've cried. except for saturday and sunday night.

i know that it doesn't all have to do with this current situation. i know that a significant part of it has to do with picking at a scab that hasn't completely healed, even though what has caused the itch is different.

i'm just not so strong right now, i don't think. i don't take the thought of impending loss very well. so, naturally, i think "catastrophe" right away.

i don't get e-mails from him like i used to although he's around now. i do see him often enough, though. i guess it's a trade off. i wish i knew how much of this negative feeling comes from the fact that i expected it to be the same as before he left. a lot of it has to do with that, i bet.

i hate the sadness. i'm getting better at not letting it get me down all day. the effort it takes to keep everything at bay---enough so i can concentrate on work---is very tiring. i wish i didn't have to do this. how long is it going to take before i can truthfully say that i'm happy again?

i wish i had these answers. i wish that someone could tell me that in the end, he'll be there. i wish that leaving it up to fate, God, whatever you wanna call it, means that it'll all work out the way i want it to. but none of this can be guaranteed. it's the beauty of life, supposedly, all this drama. but sometimes, a lot lately, i get tired. really tired.

when something inside you dies

I haven't had inspiration from much lately. And it feels like too much work to find strength from within.

Maybe it's the weather? I'm not entirely sure.

Nothing gets me very excited. I think maybe I expected too much.

Most things are pretty bland lately. I've never been one to get really depressed but I suppose it could start with various triggers. I'm not saying that's where I'm at, but I do wonder why it is that something really feels like it has died in me. It feels like there's a dark place. Like I'm losing someone, some place, that I'll never get back. I hate letting go. It feels like giving up. I hate giving up. I hate just having to accept things that I'm not happy about. "Be true to who you are", they say, but what if being true to who you are doesn't seem to work for you?

I don't think there's anything essentially wrong with me. But there are certain things I cannot do. There are certain things that I cannot change.

And it's just dark and sad, and more often than I have in a while, I feel like crying.

i'm taking a poll of sorts

If any of you who might happen to read my post has told a friend that you have more than friendly feelings for him/her, I would appreciate it if you commented and let me know how it went. How long were you friends for? Was it reciprocated? How did you tell him/her? Did it work out? Not work out? Ruin the friendship? I really want to hear both sides of the tale. Any further insights or comments outside these questions would also be appreciated.

where am I now?

I often think, "Who am I?" nowadays. This isn't unusual, except that considering how old I am, many probably think I should be over this.

I do so many things that seem incongruent. They all make up who I am. The positive spin on this is that I AM this conglomeration of disjointed, jagged pieces. It's exciting and dynamic. The negative spin is that I truly don't know myself. That it's taking me a really long time to figure things out. But then, maybe it's just the case that those who say they've figured themselves out are somehow disillusioned and fooling themselves.

More and more, too, I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's the weather. It gets dark so soon. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get out of work. I've taken to going to a little chapel to pray/think during part of my lunch hour. Yes, can you believe I pray? I figure most people do even if they don't know it. I think even just talking out loud, yelling at life, enjoying life can be prayer. Wow, I sound Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that I've met a few too many righteous fanatics that I fear that saying such a thing as "I pray" will conjure up angry thoughts.

Nonetheless, I am sad more often than not.

I long for the carefree belief in who I am. The confidence in my intelligence and expertise that I used to feel most often. I know that it left when he left, as non-progressive as that sounds. But, really, I guess, such things happen no matter which important person leaves our lives. Anyway, that whole situation threw me into a state of i-have-no-idea. I'm still there. I don't know how any of this works. The struggle to keep it together bears down on me.

I'm realizing that the other no longer even sees this. That he may not even believe me when I complain that things aren't going well. On the outside, things look great. I can see that they're great. I don't have much to complain about. But feeling lost encompasses a lot of areas and emotions.

I'm also saddened that he used to be one of my best friends. Someone who seemed to understand that there was more to me than the smile and friendliness.

Change is inevitable, I know. I just hate having to just let it all go. Why am I always letting go? Why doesn't anyone feel like they're letting me go. I feel rather dispensable. I'm indispensable when it comes to my job and what I do for others then. But outside of what I do with my brain and hands, the part that is just me seems dispensable.

He didn't stay for me. No one, except my family and a few close friends, goes the extra mile for me. I've done that for people. I'm getting sick of doing it for people who then don't seem to even remember it. Ok, guys, that is. It's tiring.

Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be alone.

I don't think I'm any good to anybody right now. I'm moody and want to cry. The stupid part is that I know that I've made decisions or have allowed my thoughts to weigh down on me without concrete evidence. But, as I've mentioned before, I still have powers of perception, which, though they could be wrong, have been quite accurate in the past.

As a result, I'm not happy. I hate that only his voice or e-mail can turn my mood around. I don't think that's a good thing. At the same time, letting go of this means being COMPLETELY alone in that department. Not that I think it's a bad thing, because I've been that way before. It's just that added to this is the thought that he'll go to someone else.

I think that a mistrust of anyone new that comes along has settled in me. I don't want to go out with anyone. This only means that I'm not completely over the breakup, though I'm pretty much over him. And then I just get angry. Because I hate that in an indirect way, he still has power over me. It means that it really does take an obscene amount of time to get over someone you once loved deeply.

Its effect is scary and even emotionally debilitating. I do want to drown in something dark. Like the way it feels when you're asleep. But I don't really want to be asleep because I'm not consciously feeling myself heal. In a way, I want a controlled loss of feeling.

And so, it's no wonder that he can't possibly feel the same way about me now as he did before he left. The girl he met after a year isn't the same. She's quieter, more withdrawn, and content to watch the world, actively observe it, without stating her opinion on it. She's not quite sure where she stands on a lot of things---the loss of someone before threw everything up in the air. She doesn't laugh as loudly, jump around like a child, get excited very easily, or act silly very often. She does't know what to say to him because she wants so much for everything to be the way it was---fun and easy---but there seems to be too much to say that can't be said yet. She perceives that the result is undesirable. The projection of herself rather dim. She grows quiet in crowds and isn't sure how he takes this. She thinks the thoughts in his head go something like, "God this is pretty boring. What could we do that's exciting?" And, with a lack of ideas because she no longer brings out magical ideas in him, he opens a book, confirming the thoughts she conjectured were in his head.

She longs for him to know that she understands many of his thoughts and dreams, but hasn't found the right atmosphere or tone for such a conversation. They may never get to that point where they can talk that way again. She's saddened by this. Saddened and angered by the havoc that time wreaks and by the decay of even purportedly strong bonds.

She's frustrated by the helplessness that this knowledge brings. It's a crushing knowledge---that optimism doesn't yield lasting hope, that nothing that she played a part in creating lasts forever.

The pain is really hard to bear. She tries to keep it down. To remember that she's thankful for so many things. But sometimes, giving in to the enemy's grip seems her deserved fate. A punishment, of sorts, for allowing it to get close.

so what do you do...

...when you feel like your insides are empty? (It only took less than a minute.) ...when the slow sunset of realization pushes the strength out of you? And suddendly, I'm truly alone. I feel so lost and dumb. I cannot really write what happened. I think that if I did, no one would see definitive proof. But sometimes, you just know. The way you know that the present under the tree is the one you've been wanting all year long.

I want to get lost somewhere. Somewhere dark. Where I can close my eyes away from people. Where I can just drown in the absence, in the loss of feeling.

Once again, I'm the stupid one. Why is it that I never quite believe signs when they first grin deviously? I'm fooled by the fiendish lure.

And now I just want to cry, but tears aren't going to come. Not freely. My family would hear. Someone would see me and ask if I'm okay.

I don't want to be asked if I'm ok. I want to be left alone. I really just want to get lost. To lose all senses. But drinking won't solve it. I would feel the numbness.

I'm not quite sure what to do.

The rational part of me, the one that always looks at the brighter side of things, says that everything will be ok. That all may not, in fact, be lost. That I don't really have any concrete facts to support my so-called knowledge. And if it turns out I'm right, it could only be for the better. That there's someone out there who will know me better than anyone. Whom I won't have to work so hard at winner over---whom I won't even have to win over!

But I don't believe any of this right now. I see people and buildings and sunlight around me, but no one with me.

I don't quite know what to do about it, though I've been through it before. I know this will all pass again. I just wish I wouldn't have to live like this, watching things pass.

my moment of weakness

Nothing has happened though he's been back for a couple of weeks now. I don't know how much longer I can take this waiting. We're friends. That's obvious. We care. That's obvious. But I can see him being attracted to someone else and then deciding he'd like to try that out instead. I care. I care sooo much. Friends think something will happen. We're obviously really close and special to each other. But what if nothing ever does. I CANNOT just tell him how I feel when I don't have an indication of what he feels. Part of the problem, I think, is that we're both the same in that we're able not to let on about what we really feel. So, basically, we're screwed. Actually, I'm screwed. I know I'm being stubborn. I should be grown up about this. Talk about it with him. But I'm not going to. Besides, if he's interested, and we're alone enough times, won't he eventually do it? It's not like he's never asked anyone out before, so why the hell can't he just ask me out? I hate this. It's this circular maze with no exit. I hate it. Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention I hate this? Did I mention I'm fucked?! I'm starting to think I'm gonna be screwed over again. That I'm feeling a lot for someone, AGAIN, and it won't be returned the same way.

But wait, odd, that just means that you haven't found the right guy.

But he feels like the right guy.

But you got over the other one, you'll get over this one too, and someone special will come your way and it'll be just right.

But I don't want anyone else!!!

You might. You never know who will come along.

I want him to come along.

Uh huh.

And I sit in my room in near-tears.

something new?

there's nothing to stop us now
and in the darkness
all i wanted to do was sit in silence with you

don't we talk because we're scared?
because we know what would happen if we did
because we could
and we're so close
and what if we did
and see what's on the other side

i just want to be in darkness and silence

i'm just saying

The sun surrounded you, and though I could barely see your face, I knew it was you. The way your hair and body were branded by the sun into my eyes. It was the moment I had waited for---your return.

I said a few things, just as though you hadn't been away, and suddently remembered that I needed to hug you. The setting was different from the picture in my mind, my approach less hurried, and less anxious than I had projected. My smile was nowhere as big, and I didn't jump into your arms.

Instead, I walked toward you with outstretched arms and a smile that, I hope, let you know that I was, in the simplest way, happy to see you again. You lifted me off my feet, as my arms encircled your neck. I wonder how you looked when you hugged me and spun me around, 360. I know our eyes met, as I wrapped both my legs to your right, for whatever-the-hell-reason. I suppose it was a sudden playfulness reminiscent of the time before you left. Don't remember what you said exactly, maybe, "How are you?"

It was kind of awkward. You commented on my hair, my shoes, and I, on your sun-kissed skin. Conversation didn't flow, but we were definitely happy to see each other again, in a strange, uneasy way. I couldn't look you in the eye, for a while. I don't think you could look me in the eye, either. I recall you averting them quite a bit at first.

We played a bit, as though reminding the other that that's what we used to do. I wonder if they noticed.

And everytime our eyes met thereafter, everything else, everyone else, blurred around me. You were looking right at me, only me.

Please tell me I'm not alone.

settling in

Finally have the net at home!! Still, it's really hard to blog when my family is up here a lot. It's nice because they really miss me, my brothers included.

Let's see...I'm decorating my room, started a new job (I got a job my first try!! Totally by chance coz a friend showed me a posting. I'm seriously lucky. I didn't even have to do the whole job search thing!!) It's a good job, too, right up my alley. Just challenging enough to keep me from being bored, but not too much that I have to worry about it at night.

And...he's back. I'm seeing him tomorrow with a bunch of friends for the first time. I'm excited, naturally. Though part of me wonders how he's changed in a year. How I've changed.

Ok...so I had all these other thoughts all typed out. Then Blogger screwed up. Now I don't want to retype coz I'm no longer in the mood to replicate. Bah!

Off to unpack. Got lotsa stuff...shites!!

eep!

no e-mail at home. only office. no blog ops. eep!

i want you to know

I want you to know that I don't dream of doing those things because I can't. There's too much for me to do here, too many people to help, and too many people I love that I can't let suffer.

I want you to know that I stay, not because I am not adventurous, but because I find adventure in the small, familiar places that form my home.

I hear of the great things that people do, of the magnificent sights I may never see, and think that perhaps you find me uninteresting, without dreams, perhaps without wonder for the greater world beyond.

And it pains me to think that might be the case, because, I'm sure if I were in your shoes, I would travel far and do things fearlessly...like dancing in Argentina, with my eyes closed to the world, diving into the sea, and climbing peaks in gusty winds.

I want you to understand that my thoughts are not plain. I am simply content to be where I am, with those I know. You are not more sophisticated than me, though, admittedly, I sometimes think that I don't compare. That perhaps my intellect does not hold up to things you know.

But I, too, know things that you don't know. I've seen things you've never seen, and will probably never see, things that people travel far and wide in order grasp. Well, they happened to me, everyday. These are not novel to me. The poor man building houses from nothing, communities coming together in the hot sun, laughing and forgetting their poverty. And yet you think I don't know, or that I am so unlike those who seek these situations out in order to become grounded. Don't forget that there's more to me. That these experiences were closer than you know. That I don't have to seek them out. That I lived close to it and spoke with them. The lessons are more a part of me than they are for those who can really only have a cursory glance at them.

So don't think I don't know, don't care, don't make a difference. I'm simply content, because these have grounded me and we've gone through it and have risen out of it.

under pressure

It's so weird. I realize that I haven't blogged in a while. I'm feeling the pressure. I feel like if I don't write something, I'll lose my readers. This, despite starting the blog not thinking anyonewould read it.

My life has just been busy. I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things, but other prospects are looking bright. Like, hopefully, a slightly challenging new job. Who knows, who knows what the future will bring. It's amazing what can happen in a short period of time, if you think about it. Where will I be a year from now? What will I be doing? What new plans will I be making?

A couple of my friends have been seeing some action on the dating scene. As for me, I haven't. Thankfully, I haven't been worrying about it. Maybe it's because he's coming home soon. But the feeling of expectation isn't really the same with regard to that anymore.

I'm also finding that I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea of smiling at guys when I go out. I've actually done it and received smiles back. I have found myself eyeing guys, making eye contact, even! These sound like small things, but after the break-up, this is a noticeable change. I like it. I'm feeling more free, less scared, though a little bit hesitant.

Things can only get better. Hmmm...I wonder how many spelling and grammatical errors I have made so far. I won't be rereading this post before publishing, or after, for editing.

There it is. As I've typed. No looking back.

music for a rainy day

Chopin Nocturne Op. 9, No.1

For the first time in months, I felt like playing. I think it's the result of something a girl at practice said on the walk home. She loves to dance. She knows that there are people with ten times the technique she does, but it only makes her want to work harder.

I used to be that way. I would work and I would win. Well, not always, but most of the time. I was cocky. Well, maybe just more self-assured and confident in my abilities. But then things happened, and I lost motivation. My energy was spent thinking---deciphering puzzles and brain twisters.

Today, with the view of the rooftops and skyline that I love, and raindrops occasionally tapping on my window, I played. I haven't played that in a long time, having learned it 12 years ago. (Holy shit!) I've played it occasionally, grudgingly satisfying my mom's request to play it again.

My fingers, defying faded memory, hesitatingly touched the keys. Old lovers, reunited in a cloudy haze, recalling how to touch, where to touch. It was frustrating, wanting to satisfy myself, to hear the response I wanted to hear coaxed, enticed by my fingertips. My emotion imposed, creating emotions in sympathy.

It was far from perfect. I knew how to apply pressure to different parts, creating the sound I wanted, but overall, it was lackluster. I wasn't disappointed, because I enjoyed the moment and the mass of abstraction surrounding me. Certain notes cried out in heart-wrenching oscillations soothed by calm lullabies.

It's just frustrating not being able to satisfy what creation demands, and in turn being left unsated. Thankfully, today, this merely left me looking forward to the next time, a challenge mischievously smiling.

savouring

My cheeks feel flushed, my face feels bright, and there's a nervous delight radiating from my core.  Anticipation is a wild and wonderful thing.

Stay tuned for the roller coaster dip and the slower, thrilling ascent...

happens all the time

Soon as I think 'That's it. I give up!' I hear from him. He writes me about something small, something he remembered to ask about. I keep wanting to shake him off, but I can't seem to do it.

In a perfect world, he would have, all this time, been telling me that he almost asked so and so out, but wasn't interested enough, because he was hinting that he's interested in me. He did not let go of my hand after helping me across ice late one night, until I let go, because he wanted to keep holding it. He held my gaze as I walked to the elevator before my trip last year because he was trying to tell me that he couldn't bear the thought of me being with him. He didn't want to lose touch because he cherishes the same secret hope that I do.

But the world's not perfect. All I know is that I'm on a nauseating roller coaster ride. But once in a while, I take a deep breath and I feel fine, so I open my eyes and see the vast, beautiful world of unknowns stretching into the bright horizon. My head is thrown back against the force to which I've submitted myself and I'm exhilarated by the loss of control and the brief, repeated flashes of where I could find myself.

a poem

Candy wrapper crinkle
wheel-crushed drops
car-swept sighs
transparent streaks
slick streets
eye reflection reflected
tear drop      rain drop
splash sparkle
sprayed mist
so that I can’t see
that you can’t see

one of those nights

It's one of those nights in which the fact that I'm moving to the 'burbs really feels like my life is ending. My parents were strict, so I envision arguments, or me, keeping quiet, seething inside. So tonight, when my mom asked me where I went, the you're-just-checking-up-on-me-aren't-you slant to the question was all I could think of. She may truly just have been curious, but whenever she asks about my later-night whereabouts I can't help thinking that she's making sure I wasn't getting drunk or anything. Oh, don't get me wrong, she knows I drink. I've been sick drunk in front of her before and she wasn't mad or anything. Still, I hate that. I'm really not a little girl anymore. But I think that she forgets. I haven't lived at home for YEARS!! God, get over it!!

I love my parents. Soooo very much! Just some nights, I feel suffocated.

Also...who the hell meets people in the 'burbs where you can't even walk to a coffee shop. Well, you can, but it's not like downtown. It'll take at least 15 mins. from my house. I can't call my friends at 10:30 pm and say, "hey, let's go for coffee". If I do, someone will have to take their car and there'll be lots of driving.

Oh, boo hoo. Listen to me rant about such stupid, piddly problems. It's such a fucking small problem!! But if you knew how strict they were and what a good kid I was and still am, and despite this, how they just can't bear not to know where I am, you'd understand.

I take it as a particular insult when I think of how old I am, the things I've been through, the things I've helped people through, and the responsibilities I've had (we're talking lives!!)... GRRRR!!

Ok. I better stop, I'm working myself into an uglier, mangled pit. And also, I think of the people reading this, who, not fully knowing what I'm necessarily worrying about, will not feel an ounce of pity. I don't blame them. But you have NO IDEA! Honestly.

somewhat stable

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted.

Don't know why.  Just haven't felt like writing.  Partly, I'm really busy.  I'm moving from this apartment soon.  Oddly enough, I'm getting used to the thought of this chapter of my life ending.  I used to have a really bleak outlook on what life is going to be like after this.  Thing is, I've decided to move back to my parents' place for a year.  Yikes!!  But it shouldn't be that bad.  My life as I know it will only end if I allow it to.  My friends are kind of scared for me (those who understand how strict my parents were).  Others in my family have assured me, however, that that's all in the past.  I think I'm ready to brave whatever arguments come my way. 

A number of thoughts have caused this.  I need to save money, for one thing, especially if I plan on pursuing a Master's.  I figure, too, that I can rent a better apartment the year after.  I also feel like I need to help my family out,  allowing my brothers to live a bit more independently.  It's their turn. 

There's also the thought that my parents are getting older and I've spent years away from home.  Perhaps this will be the last time I'll be spending a longer stretch of time with them.  I know they're really happy to have me home, though only for a year.  I'll see them smile, laugh, argue, and can kiss them good night every night like I used to.  That'll be good.  It's one of those things that I know I'll cherish when they're no longer as strong as they are, and most especially when they pass away.  They have YEARS before that will happen.  They're not that old.  But once in a while, I get that lump in my throat when death flashes its dark grin at me.

I have a good friend who reminds me that friends move away, but in the end are always there and kind of do come back to each other.  You know how it is...you won't talk for a while, then you find yourselves closer than you ever were.  Incidentally, I've noticed that certain friends are closer at different times in my life.

Moving sure will be a pain, though.  And I'm not too deluded to think that I won't feel like my independence has been compromised.  That's life for you.  I'm taking a deep breath and taking what comes.  Who knows, I could be mere weeks away from something wonderfully unexpected.  But then again, it could be years.

Good night!

Oh wow! Font colours and such!

strength

My friend's mom says that I am "feisty". I take this as an immense compliment, because this is what I strive for.

Unfortunately, being "feisty" requires a lot of work. It requires you to:
- remind yourself that you are worth waiting for
- remember that the respect you expect of others is justified as long as you give them equal respect
- take a look at the good things in your life regularly
- be ok with not finding a life-long romantic/intellectual sparring partner
- keep discovering things about yourself
- keep discovering things outside of yourself
- allow yourself not be strong without berating yourself for faltering (I find this to be the hardest of all!!)
- accept yourself
- change what you don't like and can change
- overcome stupid fears
- hmmm...I suppose it also requires you to express your feelings no matter how difficult this may be
- stick up for yourself or, alternatively, know when to call it quits
- accept what life throws at you and get up and deal with it

This means that I have to try not to get poked in my heart when I don't hear from him. It hasn't even been that long. I have close friends that I don't hear from in months and yet this doesn't seem to bother me. But perhaps it also means that I recognize my share in not communicating.

But when are you supposed to make the efforts at communication with someone you're interested in and when are you supposed to leave it up to him? Especially when you're friends?

Ah, yes, the age-old When Harry Met Sally Question. I'm at an impasse.

harumpf!

What if I said, "I've sent you real mail and you haven't replied, so I give up. Your turn." Would that be mean? Pushy? I've sent real mail, though it was quite some time ago. Three weeks, maybe? Does that still count? How about I write, "How about YOU send me real mail, and I'LL reply." Hmmm...what to do.

this sums things up in a most confusing, wonderful way

THE SCIENTIST

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh what a rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

I'm going back to the start

- Coldplay

I'm better now - Vive le Canada!

I have finally gotten over the cold. I still have phlegm that insists on cozying up to the sides of my throat.

I have had an awesome long weekend with the girlfriends. Nothing too wild; though in recounting the number of nights we stayed out really late to a co-worker, I realized that we did do our share of partying. Only one night of actual drunkenness and co-requisite behaviour. I actually enthusiastically made a really ditzy remark to a friend's cop friend... "pretend we've been doing bad things". That really wasn't what I meant. I was simply mulling over what a normal guy would be like as a cop. I mean, how his whole demeanour would change. Oy! Trust alcohol to twist your brain and tongue at the same time.

The time away was great! I really have to save more money and do it more often. It cleared my head a bit and allowed me to think of what's really important to me right now.

The last night we were out, a somewhat strange, though more recently characteristic thing, happened. I was right in there with the conversation, enjoying the beautiful night with the peeps, when I completely mellowed out. I sat there, not contributing much to the conversation and found myself being rather introspective. It may have been because I was tired (we had had a long day of hiking), but this is becoming a more common occurrence. I fall silent and I'm comfortable with it at the time, not really caring to force words out of my mouth. Then, I think about it and I wonder whether I'm passing up the chance to completely involve myself in the present. Anyway, the night ended with me wishing that I could keep the energy up, as though I had wasted part of my time away.

Not a bad thing entirely, but a bit uncharacteristic and more resembling the way I was in high school. I'm not sure if I like it. Guess it's just the way it is.

"hnggghhhhhhh" - that's me blowing my nose

It certainly feels strange that I haven't blogged in a while. It's a constant "to do" thought in my head.

I've been sick. I'm still sick. Ugh! Can someone heal me now?

I thought I might have something interesting to post, but it turns out I'm too sleepy to write.

I will say, however, that clubs are such a good place to feel the big arms of loneliness wrap around you. It's a dark, suffocating embrace. First I thought it was my mood. I had a better time this past weekend, but when I got home, the same feeling came over me. I had been fighting it the whole night, and I was successful. I walked through my door and it followed me in.

oui!

when someone knows you so well...

...it's hard to figure out when things changed. How is it that love changes? That's part of his power---his knowledge of why I do things. And I guess mine is my ability to make him react.

I realized today that despite my knowing that things have changed, I haven't accepted it all as I thought I had. There seems to be a lingering denial. I've had glimpses of this, with the softly-lit scenes that flit about in my head on very, very rare occasions. Today, though, that hit home.

This explains why I actually dread it when someone seems to be really interested in talking to me. I know that I could be missing out on wonderful friendships. But it's obviously a defense mechanism. I don't want to get even remotely close to the possibility of dating someone. OH WOW!! I just wrote that. I'm so not ready.

I don't even check guys out yet. When I have done so, it was because I reminded myself that there are probably cute guys in [insert place here]. Mostly, if I seem to catch someone's eye, I avert my gaze and I want to become as inconspicuous as possible. Don't get me wrong, it's not like guys are always checking me out. Nuh uh. Basically, in the few instances that someone starts to take notice, I want them to go away.

Yeah...that's pretty messed up. But I think it all just has to do with my not being ready for anything right now.

It's kind of upsetting. And if I didn't have to go out after work today, I would've just sat here and had a good cry. I still feel one coming on, but I have to eat. So it looks like I'll be able to divert my attention elsewhere for a might longer.

ahhh...

Ok. Much better now. I think I just needed a work out. Practice was AWEsome! I'm beginning not to be so self-conscious. I improved a wee bit today too.

I can now also scratch 2 things off my to-do list. Wunderbar!!



And the lightning crashed upon a tree---split it in two, right down its centre. And the flower wept and feared the worst. The sky lit up once more. It revealed a nook at the tree's base from which emerged a wide-eyed chipmunk, wondering why it survived and where it would go.

gah!!

You know it's bad when you blog multiple times a day. Well, that's what it means for me, anyway.

I've got a million things I'd like to get done, but I can't seem to do them. I'm going to practice, so that's one important thing down, but I also need to:

- think of an article topic
- finish the application
- get started on new pieces
- call my teacher
- put photos up
- fold my clothes and put them in drawers
- go to the bookstore, w/c I forgot to do today
- shop for a friend's wedding gift
- read lots and lots

I get annoyed when I don't get reading time. Yes, yes, prioritize, make up a schedule. I have convinced others of the virtue of such an undertaking. I have found it an excellent tool. Lately it's like I've got ADD, though. I start something and remember that I have to do another, then I start that and nothing's finished!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

There is a very simple solution to this, ladies and gentlemen, and dogs, let's not forget the dogs...finish one thing before starting the next. And make a prioritized list of tasks, crossing off each one as they are completed. In this manner, you will be satisfied because you have completed something. Above all, be realistic and schedule breaks. You are not a super human.

mixed emotions

I'm getting that confused jumble of thoughts in my head. It only leads to one place...the thought that I'm not quite sure how to present myself to others, not sure which side to show.

I think it's a consequence of being brought up to keep private things private. I can talk to anybody, chat it up, but do I really say anything about myself? Only very few people know me intimately, even among my close group of girl friends. People wouldn't call me shy, but I've been told a number of times that it's hard for them to see who I am.

I truly envy those people who can just write or say anything. They seem to get involved in interesting, in-depth conversations. It's not like I haven't, but I contribute very generalized comments, using such pronouns as "we" or "one" in conversations that make me dig deeper into my thoughts and analyze my values more closely.

What am I afraid of? I'm pretty sure, though this isn't definitive, that I'm afraid that people will laugh, think I'm dumb, think I'm narrow-minded. The latter is the worst thought. Because I know that there are probably ideals that I fight to hang onto that may seem conservative to most, particularly with regard to sex. I fear that if I vocalize them, people will get the wrong idea; think that I can no longer understand them. It's just so hard to convey the intricate fibres of thoughts that linger around the more visible threads in my mind---the fibres that allow me to understand completely where other people are coming from because the very same thoughts challenge me all the time.

Anyway, I envy those who, as a result of their openness, seem so incredibly interesting and get interesting feedback in return.

Hmmm...I think I require adjustment. I'm not sure how, though.

sleepy

I get cranky when I'm sleepy and talking to my parents. It's so horrible. They're on the phone and all I can think of is, 'oh no, I must get off the phone. I'm soooo sleepy..."uh huh. yup. oh well. uh huh. ok, I have to sleep now".

Then I feel mean, coz I don't talk to them for too long as it is.

Also...sometimes I think that I don't want to write anything here because I don't want to bore the few people who read my blog. But then, I remember that the reason I started this whole thing was really for me to have some place to write without really caring if anyone reads it or not. It's funny how, once you know people read stuff, you take them into account. Well, at least I seem to, though I'm trying not to. Not coz I don't care, but I wanna keep it honest. Well, as honest as I can be without giving away too much of my life in case someone I know comes across this.


I'm grumpy. G'night.

a squirrel inquiry

You know, speaking of squirrels, despite there being so many, I don't know what squirrel poop looks like. Any idea?

squirrel on high

I just remembered that I saw the strangest squirrel behaviour ever. I saw this squirrel whose tail was rotating like a propeller. It made jerky, compulsive movements under a parked car and eventually came to rest (I don't even know how) on its side, just beside the wheel, in plain view. It lay there for a good minute, breathing heavily. It didn't move when I stood to look at it, except for eyes that looked downward to look at me. They weren't even curious eyes, wondering why I was there. It was too intent on lying there, recovering from the burst of energy that I'm pretty sure caused a loud thumping sound that first made me take notice of it. I swear, I thought someone had thrown the squirrel down. Then I figured it had taken drugs and was jumping up and down under the car.

After the self-absorbed, unseeing look it gave me, I moved away, suddenly fearing that it was rabid and would attack me. I've never been so scared of a squirrel in my life.

wish

You know what I wish for most right now? That he would just come home. I really have given up, as in I no longer expect anything. I don't expect e-mails or phone calls, or funny stuff relayed.

I haven't written about this lately, or blogged too frequently, because I'm truly having an awesome summer so far!! It's been a good balance between thinking time and doing time, me time and other people time. So, it has become easier for me to distance myself from the situation.

I still really miss him though. And he has NO idea. Someone commented sometime ago that I should just tell him. I can't right now. He's not here. So, it's hard to tell whether there might be a hint of anything he felt before. But the fact that I don't know doesn't bug me too much now.

I wish he'd just come home. And I wish a thousand other beautiful things, though wistfully, and without much hope. I no longer really chase after it like I used to, that is, to the extent that unspoken emotions can "chase".

All that happened to change the way I look at it is that I got tired of the push and pull of emotions. It wasn't good for me---the thinking, analyzing. Thankfully, there's a limit to how much trouble I will allow myself to go through. If I have to work so hard and always feel like I don't get anything out of it, then it can't all be good. Maybe that just means it's not right. Period. The end.

So that's why I gave up. That's why I don't get the tingly feeling I used to get when he'd say something even remotely sweet. I just take them as they are...words on a page, meaning nothing more than the most basic implications of language in context, with no imposed connotations.

Still, I wish he were here.

For those who read this...how are you guys doing? What's life like on your side of the world? I hope all is well and the world is full of colour for you! If any of you have blogs, I'd be happy to take a peek, if you'll let me. If not, that's cool too.

reaching out

installation by Andrew Wright

Installation art hasn't really sparked much interest in me, but this did. There's something disturbing to me about the hands reaching out. I imagine running my hands across their fingertips, not allowing them to grasp my hand, and I imagine that it would feel like cold, fleshy stubs, writhing, wriggling, feeling like thick worm heads, longing to be held by warmth. Then, another scenario...teasing the hands I pass by making contact with the length of fingers, with palms, maybe holding hands every now and then. What would I feel? Caresses, fingers tickling my palm, a flick, a pinch, a clap.

Most disturbing would be desperate clutches at my hand. I would feel an urgent cry for help that comes from a mouthless, body-less being. It has nothing but two hands that need to express and to be understood. I try understanding, asking questions, but these don't help. They can't hear! They communicate with touch and gesture and nothing more. The hands create various languages but I can't understand. Soon, the grasp is one of angry frustration. Scared, I wrest my hand free. I look back and it still signals for me. I can't help. What am I leaving behind? From what does it need to be freed?

For more info on this artist, visit this site.