Went out again last night. Out to a club. More and more I'm thinking I might drop the whole scene. I'm not a big clubber. I mean, I like to dance, but I don't go to pick up. But, my girlfriends really like to dance and they're so much fun to be with, that I don't mind going.
Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.
Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.
The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.
Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.
So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.
So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.
It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.
1 comment:
There's something theraputic about loud music and dancing. To retreat inward and become absorbed in some dark, heavy music from Faithless or Sisters Of Mercy... Man, I'm giving myself away here, aren't I?
I used to go dancing a few years back. Now I just hang out with friends, play pool and observe others. The place I go plays hip hop and dancey techno and while I enjoy the music, I just can't get into the scene.
Anyhow, I sympathize with you. You think too much for your own good, you know it? I'm not judging you, though, because I do the same stuff.
So, here's to us (I tip my glass of orange juice to you) and a simpler life.
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