ouch! my hip!

I must seriously be getting old, because my right hip area hurts. When I sit in a chair for too long, my lower back hurts. Now, I know people younger than me experience this, like my brother and my boyfriend, but I have never, ever, ever, been in pain from doing everyday things. My doctor says my constant headaches can also be caused by my body changing, nay, aging. Yeesh!

Sleepy now, but wishing to write. I think I have to start not thinking of the worst case scenario. I need to practice taking things as they come. Mind you, my job makes me think through to the worst in order to prevent it from happening. It works well at determining a proactive approach, but the mind habit it creates is awful.

Since I spent so much unfruitful time on facebook, I am now tired and not able to write more. Well, maybe a few thoughts jotted down...

- life is full of uncertainties that are most exciting (which also means a bit scary)
- I never feel that I'm settled --- always in transition
- "We'll figure it out" --- sure sounds lovingly long-term! And so does, "Well, I'm sure that I love you", in response
- I still like being alone
- I marvel at the person I've become, as I am asked for my opinion by some really important people, who also believe that I could really "climb the ladder", if only I'd choose to climb.
- the hold that music has on me will always be there
- if I had more money, many things would be easier
- I wouldn't trade my dreams and simplicity of being for all the money in the world (unless I could really benefit someone I care about --- life and death sort of thing --- and only if it doesn't harm others)
- sometimes I feel lost and sometimes I think I'm pretty damn awesome --- this can happen in the span of an hour!
- I love sleep.

Good night.

impossible

I can't believe anyone would even suggest that I add more duties to my job. Seriously, am I supposed to work 24/7? I work overtime a lot as it is. The operation is going so well, so why does anyone want to change it?

I do think that we're pushed and pushed and money is offered as the incentive. But money doesn't do it for me. I value balance above all, because without it, there will also be no sanity. As though a higher salary means that somehow I can do it all! I'm beginning to see how it is people end up with high paying jobs, lots of stress, and no real relationships. Then, they get trapped into thinking that their life is their work and their work is their life, so god forbid they should lose their jobs! They'll lose their lives as well. Then you get people retiring that no longer know what to do with themselves and feel useless, not even enjoying their own company.

Well, I refuse. I refuse to live for work. I refuse to create more clutter in my life that obscures what's most important...the symbiotic, strengthening relationships that I form with those that mean the most to me.

So go ahead and tell me I have to do more and offer me more money. I'll just say no and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

some time to myself

I'm saddened by the lack of motivation to write these days.

What's been going on? Well, work, work, and work again. I've been doing okay, except for the occasional difficult case, emotions and all. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a job, but it's terribly difficult cutting off anyway.

I'm afraid that one of my staff no longer thinks I care to support him in his difficulty and that he'll start acting up like he did in the beginning of the year. There's already a bit of evidence of that. I'm hoping he'll remain professional.

A great job opportunity is before me too. They really seem to want me to stay and are trying to keep me. But it's hard, when I value creativity (and sanity!) most. I could earn lots of money, wipe out my student debt, and save for some real estate. Man, I better make it or else I may regret this one. No, not true. I think this is draining me.

I'm once again at a crossroads. I sense I'm about to pick up and start a new phase in my life. It's exciting and scary, as these things usually go. Where will I live? Where will I work? Will I be successful at it? I'm gonna miss this place. It's truly my home. It's been my home for 6 years. But it's also starting to make me feel cloistered. I don't want to step out my door for fear of what I might encounter, i.e. for fear that I'll have to work when I don't want to. Despite the reminders in my head that each case is an opportunity and not merely a task, I no longer feel satisfied. Nor do I feel altruistic.

My best friend's getting married. That's another thing that's up. I'll be doing the maid of honour thing. Hope it's not too expensive, but I'm not holding my breath. It made me cry to be asked. We've know each other since we were kids, but I didn't know whether she thought of me as a best friend anymore since we're so busy these days. I'm glad she did. I love her so much and wish her all the happiness in the world!

Okay, losing steam with this post now. So, later!