savouring

My cheeks feel flushed, my face feels bright, and there's a nervous delight radiating from my core.  Anticipation is a wild and wonderful thing.

Stay tuned for the roller coaster dip and the slower, thrilling ascent...

happens all the time

Soon as I think 'That's it. I give up!' I hear from him. He writes me about something small, something he remembered to ask about. I keep wanting to shake him off, but I can't seem to do it.

In a perfect world, he would have, all this time, been telling me that he almost asked so and so out, but wasn't interested enough, because he was hinting that he's interested in me. He did not let go of my hand after helping me across ice late one night, until I let go, because he wanted to keep holding it. He held my gaze as I walked to the elevator before my trip last year because he was trying to tell me that he couldn't bear the thought of me being with him. He didn't want to lose touch because he cherishes the same secret hope that I do.

But the world's not perfect. All I know is that I'm on a nauseating roller coaster ride. But once in a while, I take a deep breath and I feel fine, so I open my eyes and see the vast, beautiful world of unknowns stretching into the bright horizon. My head is thrown back against the force to which I've submitted myself and I'm exhilarated by the loss of control and the brief, repeated flashes of where I could find myself.

a poem

Candy wrapper crinkle
wheel-crushed drops
car-swept sighs
transparent streaks
slick streets
eye reflection reflected
tear drop      rain drop
splash sparkle
sprayed mist
so that I can’t see
that you can’t see

one of those nights

It's one of those nights in which the fact that I'm moving to the 'burbs really feels like my life is ending. My parents were strict, so I envision arguments, or me, keeping quiet, seething inside. So tonight, when my mom asked me where I went, the you're-just-checking-up-on-me-aren't-you slant to the question was all I could think of. She may truly just have been curious, but whenever she asks about my later-night whereabouts I can't help thinking that she's making sure I wasn't getting drunk or anything. Oh, don't get me wrong, she knows I drink. I've been sick drunk in front of her before and she wasn't mad or anything. Still, I hate that. I'm really not a little girl anymore. But I think that she forgets. I haven't lived at home for YEARS!! God, get over it!!

I love my parents. Soooo very much! Just some nights, I feel suffocated.

Also...who the hell meets people in the 'burbs where you can't even walk to a coffee shop. Well, you can, but it's not like downtown. It'll take at least 15 mins. from my house. I can't call my friends at 10:30 pm and say, "hey, let's go for coffee". If I do, someone will have to take their car and there'll be lots of driving.

Oh, boo hoo. Listen to me rant about such stupid, piddly problems. It's such a fucking small problem!! But if you knew how strict they were and what a good kid I was and still am, and despite this, how they just can't bear not to know where I am, you'd understand.

I take it as a particular insult when I think of how old I am, the things I've been through, the things I've helped people through, and the responsibilities I've had (we're talking lives!!)... GRRRR!!

Ok. I better stop, I'm working myself into an uglier, mangled pit. And also, I think of the people reading this, who, not fully knowing what I'm necessarily worrying about, will not feel an ounce of pity. I don't blame them. But you have NO IDEA! Honestly.

somewhat stable

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted.

Don't know why.  Just haven't felt like writing.  Partly, I'm really busy.  I'm moving from this apartment soon.  Oddly enough, I'm getting used to the thought of this chapter of my life ending.  I used to have a really bleak outlook on what life is going to be like after this.  Thing is, I've decided to move back to my parents' place for a year.  Yikes!!  But it shouldn't be that bad.  My life as I know it will only end if I allow it to.  My friends are kind of scared for me (those who understand how strict my parents were).  Others in my family have assured me, however, that that's all in the past.  I think I'm ready to brave whatever arguments come my way. 

A number of thoughts have caused this.  I need to save money, for one thing, especially if I plan on pursuing a Master's.  I figure, too, that I can rent a better apartment the year after.  I also feel like I need to help my family out,  allowing my brothers to live a bit more independently.  It's their turn. 

There's also the thought that my parents are getting older and I've spent years away from home.  Perhaps this will be the last time I'll be spending a longer stretch of time with them.  I know they're really happy to have me home, though only for a year.  I'll see them smile, laugh, argue, and can kiss them good night every night like I used to.  That'll be good.  It's one of those things that I know I'll cherish when they're no longer as strong as they are, and most especially when they pass away.  They have YEARS before that will happen.  They're not that old.  But once in a while, I get that lump in my throat when death flashes its dark grin at me.

I have a good friend who reminds me that friends move away, but in the end are always there and kind of do come back to each other.  You know how it is...you won't talk for a while, then you find yourselves closer than you ever were.  Incidentally, I've noticed that certain friends are closer at different times in my life.

Moving sure will be a pain, though.  And I'm not too deluded to think that I won't feel like my independence has been compromised.  That's life for you.  I'm taking a deep breath and taking what comes.  Who knows, I could be mere weeks away from something wonderfully unexpected.  But then again, it could be years.

Good night!

Oh wow! Font colours and such!

strength

My friend's mom says that I am "feisty". I take this as an immense compliment, because this is what I strive for.

Unfortunately, being "feisty" requires a lot of work. It requires you to:
- remind yourself that you are worth waiting for
- remember that the respect you expect of others is justified as long as you give them equal respect
- take a look at the good things in your life regularly
- be ok with not finding a life-long romantic/intellectual sparring partner
- keep discovering things about yourself
- keep discovering things outside of yourself
- allow yourself not be strong without berating yourself for faltering (I find this to be the hardest of all!!)
- accept yourself
- change what you don't like and can change
- overcome stupid fears
- hmmm...I suppose it also requires you to express your feelings no matter how difficult this may be
- stick up for yourself or, alternatively, know when to call it quits
- accept what life throws at you and get up and deal with it

This means that I have to try not to get poked in my heart when I don't hear from him. It hasn't even been that long. I have close friends that I don't hear from in months and yet this doesn't seem to bother me. But perhaps it also means that I recognize my share in not communicating.

But when are you supposed to make the efforts at communication with someone you're interested in and when are you supposed to leave it up to him? Especially when you're friends?

Ah, yes, the age-old When Harry Met Sally Question. I'm at an impasse.

harumpf!

What if I said, "I've sent you real mail and you haven't replied, so I give up. Your turn." Would that be mean? Pushy? I've sent real mail, though it was quite some time ago. Three weeks, maybe? Does that still count? How about I write, "How about YOU send me real mail, and I'LL reply." Hmmm...what to do.

this sums things up in a most confusing, wonderful way

THE SCIENTIST

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh what a rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

I'm going back to the start

- Coldplay

I'm better now - Vive le Canada!

I have finally gotten over the cold. I still have phlegm that insists on cozying up to the sides of my throat.

I have had an awesome long weekend with the girlfriends. Nothing too wild; though in recounting the number of nights we stayed out really late to a co-worker, I realized that we did do our share of partying. Only one night of actual drunkenness and co-requisite behaviour. I actually enthusiastically made a really ditzy remark to a friend's cop friend... "pretend we've been doing bad things". That really wasn't what I meant. I was simply mulling over what a normal guy would be like as a cop. I mean, how his whole demeanour would change. Oy! Trust alcohol to twist your brain and tongue at the same time.

The time away was great! I really have to save more money and do it more often. It cleared my head a bit and allowed me to think of what's really important to me right now.

The last night we were out, a somewhat strange, though more recently characteristic thing, happened. I was right in there with the conversation, enjoying the beautiful night with the peeps, when I completely mellowed out. I sat there, not contributing much to the conversation and found myself being rather introspective. It may have been because I was tired (we had had a long day of hiking), but this is becoming a more common occurrence. I fall silent and I'm comfortable with it at the time, not really caring to force words out of my mouth. Then, I think about it and I wonder whether I'm passing up the chance to completely involve myself in the present. Anyway, the night ended with me wishing that I could keep the energy up, as though I had wasted part of my time away.

Not a bad thing entirely, but a bit uncharacteristic and more resembling the way I was in high school. I'm not sure if I like it. Guess it's just the way it is.