whee!

A day off for I am sick!! My throat is sore and I've got a good chest cough going.

But that's good, because I feel as though I need a day to regroup.

Man, I'm really having a hard time letting go. Fuck! This blog has gotten so boring with the stupid loop in my head. Ha ha! Somehow the loop begins to have break beats attached to them...awesome!

I'm also still addicted to the computer. I always think that I have to stop.

The good thing about today, though is that I played a couple songs on the piano that I'm thinking of performing sometime. Too bad I can't ask anyone who's going to read this to come check out the gig. That's what sucks about anonymity.

Funny, I have to be careful what to say regardless of whether people know who I am or not. I couldn't speak my mind all the time if I knew that certain people would read this. But, even now that no one knows who I am, I still have to watch that I don't reveal to much.

Oh, this cage, this pretty cage.

Sometimes I wish I didn't really care. Another bad thing is that I don't want people I work with to know this much about me. I do so wonder how other people do it.

More and more, I long to express myself freely, but I find that being brought up to keep private things private, it's really hard for me to do.

On a happier note, I've been keeping myself thoroughly busy, dancing, working, going out with the gals, meeting a few new interesting people here and there, immersing myself in various music scenes. Life really has been quite good. I am rather happy that I'm probably sick from being tired all the time, living life!

Still, the love life isn't going well. I just feel trapped. My brain feels trapped. There isn't anything more I could do to let him know that I really, really like him. Besides, he has already been told. So...he just doesn't like me enough, right? Or is he not saying anything for the same reasons I'm not? A strange stubbornness borne from fear. Fear of what? Fear of not knowing what may come of it.

It's really difficult. And, to be honest, I'm not interested in anyone else, though I have recently enjoyed meeting guys and getting enough attention to boost my ego and spirits. Even exchanged info with this one guy. Before giving it to him, though, I told him that I would really have to think about contacting him because I don't really meet guys at clubs. I just dance with them and talk to them.

I will make more of an effort to post. I do miss it.

uncertainty

I think that a large part of the lack of posts here is that I've been making more of an effort to stop thinking about the same issues all the time.

I do miss this blog, though.

I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.

But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.

Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.

I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.

Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.

I sure can be silly.

But even smart people need that, right?

But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.

I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.

So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.

my first post of the new year

Wow. It sure has been a long absence.

I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.

I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.

Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.

I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."

That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.

I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.

I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.

But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.

He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.

I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.

It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.

But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.

I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.