persistence

Too much of it equals annoying.

He called four times yesterday and sent me a couple of e-mails. Too much, I tell you. I'm torn between going the subtle route, as technically, everything he has said can be interpreted as something a friend would say. Though crazy calling is a whole other issue.

I picked up the last phone call, not knowing it was him. He kept trying to get me to call him back, but I told him I'd be busy all night.

I decided not to call him back today either. I just don't feel like it. Plus, I hate that I feel pressured to call in case he starts to think I'm mean. I don't even call my very best friends back if I don't feel like talking, unless of course I know they're dealing with something and really need to talk. Besides, if I don't want to call someone, I have every right not to call that person!

Obviously I feel bad. I mean he has tried to contact me A LOT. In fact, I was going to push myself into calling and clarifying the whole thing even if I really just didn't have time to deal with this right now. Then I stopped and realized that...hey, wait a second, who says anyone gets to push me into a phone call or into hanging out?

Screw that yo!

And now I'm sleepy. I think staring into a computer all day is taking its toll on my eyes.

three points connected to make an enclosed figure

Me, him, his friend.

I've been asked out by his best friend. Shit! I'm avoiding the e-mail in which he told me he tried calling me a few times and do I wanna do something sometime and will he get through if he tries calling again?

I alluded to this in one of my entries..."the warm look". Oh no!

I'm really not interested. I've thought about it, picturing whether I could see a cuddle, a kiss, dating. Nothing. I was so flattered by his gaze, especially because I haven't had something that sincere in a long time. But I just can't do it. I'm not interested in him at all.

I can't even talk to...what was I calling him? "B". I can't talk to B because C may not even be talking to him about it. But if I put off answering C for too long, or if I at all seem mean, then I'll be the bitch that hurt his friend.

So, really, it comes down to making references to "friendship" that I hope will not be overlooked.

Seriously, I didn't want this right now. I'm enjoying alone time!!

spring will be here soon, i think

This colour combo matches my mood better these days.

He gave me a beach. In a microwaveable container...sand and shells with the shimmer of water for waves. These were the best shells he could find for that purpose, he said.

I had jokingly asked for one before he left, knowing that it's obviously impossible. It's so sweet and thoughtful and makes me happy. I wish this could mean something. But, of course, we're just good friends, as he decided.

distraction

I have not had any luck getting down to house work today. There's a huge pile of dishes in my sink and, due to a lack of space therein, the dishes...no, I'm onto the bowls now...have decided to spread out onto the kitchen counters and my dining table.

There are a million things I want to do. I did a few of them today...read an issue of Newsweek I've been wanting to read, took some photos, watched reruns of "So You Think You Can Dance" at a friend's house, did 2 loads of laundry, went to church. Still, I want to clean up, but that just seems so boring right about now...Got Mos Def playing right now. Maybe if I dance around, shake my booty, so to speak, while doing dishes, I'll become motivated.

I have determined that there are simply too many things I'm interested in doing that I never feel I've accomplished enough in my day. Looking at my list above, though, I guess I didn't do too badly for getting up at 11:30.

Too bad I've got to go to work tomorrow.

flip the switch

I walked out of someone's room after rehearsing a song and as I walked down the stairs, I had a distinct feeling that something had changed. I could almost smell the scent of a new book's page being turned...You know, that smell that wafts upward when you're reading in a warm room in the summer.

I've been on the upswing this past week. I've smiled to myself a lot with the knowledge that I have a feeling of ownership over my playing...that it's all in my hands. I wasn't going to play for anyone, nor for any evaluation. It was all for me. I thought for a second that I would play for my family and friends who had been there all along for me, but I couldn't get away from the truth...I wasn't playing for any of them.

I walked onto the stage with a smile on my face. There was a rare clarity of mind as I heard the music and saw the keys. Before and after playing I saw the faces of the people that I currently share my life with. I wasn't alone, but I was by myself doing what only I could do.

I also had someone look at me differently yesterday. There was a warmth about the look and though it made me look away because it isn't anything I'm ready to handle, it does make me think of what I could have when I am fully ready.

There's momentum building up and it may very well place me where I'm meant to rest awhile. Like atop some calm plateau with a sunny view...hills and treetops...and the freedom of breath once again.

day of wrath

I've been spilling things...splashes of chai as I stir, paper falling off my scanner into the hard-to-reach corner between the wall and my desk. I started to rinse the conditioner off my hair when I had meant to leave it in for a few minutes. The condensation off the aluminum foil covering the chicken spilled onto the floor as soon as lifted it off the baking pan. Something melted onto my burner...cling wrap? Who the hell knows? It had melted and I could just smell it. I couldn't play the sonata perfectly and as I was playing it at my best for the first time, all 3 of my phones kept ringing...GRRRRRRRRR!!

Little things, little prickly things.