happy easter

Though I now struggle to keep believing that there is a God who listens to me, that is out to make sure I'm ok, I have to admit that in church today, I was clinging to certain messages that things will all work out. When I was younger, I would pray and no longer worry about anything. I once declared to my mom that I am not worried about anything at all.

Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.

It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.

It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:

a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.

b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.

In reality, it's probably a mix of both.

But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?

I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.

i feel as though i must apologize

...though it strikes me as somewhat odd. I didn't start this blog so that I could write for others, but I've appreciated the visits and the feedback that let me know I'm not alone.

I'm still sorting through a lot of things. Not everything is where I want it to be. But I'm having a great time with my girlfriends, and there are days when I feel closer to something wonderful. In those moments I glimpse the independent woman I know I will be. Independent enough to love without fear of losing, independent enough to risk with hope.

nothing much new

Everytime I decide to write here, it's because I'm feeling really strongly about the topic that always comes up here...my love life. I feel badly about this because readers get a really one-sided view. I sound like a broken reacord. Basically, this blog is like the conversations I have with my friends minus the info about all the other stuff in my life. Yes, I do have other thoughts, but I did get this blog listed under the Dating and Relationships section of the Blogscanada directory, so at the very least, it fills that little niche.

I'm just getting over being sick. I know that in a way, I made myself sick. I mean, I milked it for all it was worth, including days off, because I needed a lot of thinking time. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of SAD. I really didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did get out of bed to ponder a lot.

I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and be really, really excited about going out into the world. So, I'm going to get really detailed and practical about what I want to change and how to get there---the career I want, the apartment (maybe condo?) that I want...

The only part I feel no control over is my love life. And I know that therapists, counsellors, etc. will say that this is something I have control over. But seriously, I was brought up in a very conservative household. I never adhered to conservative beliefs, but I find that habits with regard to saying how I feel in this department are very hard to overcome. Girls just don't tell boys how they feel. The man makes the first move. I don't actually believe in this. I greatly admire women who take charge in this department (and in many other areas of their lives) and go for what they want. I have asked for raises, negotiated hours, stood my ground when I haven't agreed with higher-ups, but I cannot, CANNOT tell him how much I feel about him. I don't understand it. I feel so caged in. It's insane. I just cannot face the possibility that despite how he feels about me, it's just not something he wants to pursue.

So, I either confront this or let it go. I'm discovering more and more that I can do neither. He's here. He's in my life. As soon as I decide not to do anything, he picks up the slack, as though reading my mind, as though knowing I want him to initiate phone calls, meetings, communications. How can I let go of someone who just seems to know? But best friends know. None of this means that his feelings for me are growing. It just means that he cares as a really, really good friend.

My reaction is to just try not to think about it. I'm hoping that my head will clear enough for me to know what to do if I just back off for a while. But like I said, it's as if he has read my mind. He's there as if on cue.

I'm trying to decide just to let it go. I feel as though, with time, I will become convinced of the futility of this wait. But I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get to this point, he'll come around and let go of whatever it is that makes him uncertain.

That's another reason I can't just tell him how I feel...I already know he isn't sure about asking me out to due some mystery reason.

The strong woman in me says, "Well, you don't need a man who doesn't know that he wants you. You want someone who wants you 100%."

But the one who knows him says. Well, if he's not completely ready, I understand. I mean, he's been through a lot. He doesn't want to ruin something so good now. Friendship can last forever, but we all know relationships don't always.

And then I realize that I'm once again in the all-too-familiar mind-trap. "Welcome" says my friend the dark wall in my head.