someday

someday i won't feel so lonely anymore, right? someday, someone will hold me again...someone will tell me i'm beautiful. someday, someone will want me again. someday, i'll feel sexy and he'll look at me with a hungry look that i've only ever seen once in my life. someday, i won't cry like this anymore. someday, someone will help me with the furniture and with the cooking. someday, someone will make me laugh, make me angry and kiss me afterwards. someday, it won't be such hard work. someday, i'll just be laughing all the time. someday, i'll want to make music again. someday, i won't have to push. someday, i'll know who i am, and i'll know because i won't even be thinking about it. someday, i'll have confidence again. someday, i'll believe that i don't go unnoticed. someday, my smile will mean something so completely unique to someone. someday, there'll be someone to sleep with and awake to. someday, i'll have naked breakfast with someone. someday, i'll share everything with someone. someday, i'll feel someone's body impossibly close to mine. someday, i'll be so lost in love i won't have room for anything else for a while, and when i'm no longer lost, i'll still be in love.

someday this will happen, right? because i can't continue to feel this sad all the time, right?

I feel restless and trapped. I wish that everything didn't feel so heavy. I feel like everything I do doesn't corectly represent who I am anymore or what I'm feeling. I sure wish something would make me ecstatically happy. Hell, even just a little bit happy would be good.

I'm pacing quite a bit. I'm still awesome at putting on a show. To the outside world, my life is quite good. Work is good, my place is good. But I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm doing things that I want to be doing and yet I'm not happy. I feel incredibly alone.

I'm in search of something that will fill me. Nothing seems to lately. I'm fighting so hard not to let this feeling get to me. No one has done anything, nothing bad is happening to me. It's all just here around me, though.

What scares me most is just this glimmer of a thought...that I will never be as carefree as I once was. That no matter how good things are, I'm just not going to be able to move away from this. I'm just not sure what to do to help myself.

I'm going to keep trying to fight it though. I still believe that it's possible that I'll find some colour in everything again. I just wish I knew right now how to get there faster.

sleep

I've been feeling it for at least three weeks now. It's so hard to shake.

Perhaps more sleep will help, healthier eating. It's all chemicals, right? There are triggers, certainly, but the ability to cope all has to do with chemicals. I don't completely buy that, but it's worth a shot.

I've really been missing him and our friendship as it used to be. I feel like it's just not the same. This goes in waves, though. This is why I think I may just be extra emotional lately.

But I know that things are, in fact, different. I miss my best friend. Though I know it would have been harder on me in the end had I not brought the subject up, I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, at the right time.

I almost want to call him and tell him that all I want is for our friendship to be the same as it was, but I'm afraid he won't even know what the difference is, and that will hurt me more.

I want to ask him to visit more, to keep me company like he used to. This, I figure, is fair, as I see my other close friends at least once a week. I haven't seen him in three.

But again, I'm afraid it will all be taken the wrong way. I'm not denying that, obviously, there are still feelings there, but it's the truth that my aim is not to change his mind.

On the other hand, I don't know whether having him around more often will help me. Maybe what I need is distance. But how do you keep your distance while maintaining a friendship? I couldn't do it with my ex, so how could I do it now, with someone who has been even more of a friend to me to start?

And then there's the job. I want so much to do well in that. I don't want to screw up. And yet there are these little details that escape my attention. I don't want to seem incomptent, but I'm also so tired.

And then there's the music. I'm not spending nearly enough time on that as I should. It's just one thing after another. I'm very tired.

Sleep, yes, sleep. That's what I'll do for now.

ups and downs

The day after my birthday, I felt really low.

My friends left and suddenly, the loneliness hit. He was there. He gave me a present "with love".

Why the hell would he write that? Why now? Because now he feels comfortable?...no risk of my thinking it means more than friendship? Or is he trying to tell me something, something of the blanks that needed to be filled, something about why none of this makes sense?

The good news is that we're still really good friends. My telling him didn't ruin our friendship. I'm sooo happy about that.

But sometimes, it just all becomes too much. The window's slowly sliding down. I don't know whether I should let it down slowly or just go right ahead and slam it shut.

I really shouldn't even be wondering about any of this. He gave me the answer...not a good idea, remember? So why should I keep hoping and wondering whether my closing the door completely will end up being a mistake. It's really no longer my responsibility. It will not even be my fault.

But saying "with love" really irks me. Never before has he said anything like that, so why the hell now? It angered me, as sweet as it was. Who ever thought "love" could make you sad or angry?

God, my writing sucks lately. Partly, there hasn't been as much inspiration and I always feel like I haven't got much time to blog...so much to do.

There are times when all I want to do is call him. I miss the way we were so much. The way we used to laugh all the time! Now, there's enough to talk about, but it never feels as light-hearted as it used to.

You know what I wish?...I wish he'd change his mind. I wish he meant what he wrote in a whole other sense. I hope that he thinks of me often and that at least sometimes, he thinks about how good it might be. Because I do and I remember how good it felt when he held me to comfort me, or when he caught me while play-fighting.

But this is all getting so old. I half-wish I could just shake it off and find someone new.