packing it in

...and up!

My last day of work was yesterday and my new job starts on Monday. I have moments when the reality of how great my life is hits me, when I think that really, I own the world. Leaving this job has left me with a healthy sense of my accomplishments, and of the fact that people actually did appreciate what I did for them; and beyond that, who I am. I have people really wanting me to have a house warming party so they could come and associate with me. Me! I didn't think I had extended myself enough for people to even care who I really am. I've written of some very dark moments in this blog. Many of those moments, I experienced here. I often thought that I was no longer myself, that I had grown tired of people, and I felt myself apologizing silently for not being better.

Whether I've grown so accustomed to pretending, or if people just forgave me for being human once in a while...I don't even know. But I feel truly blessed to be where I am right now. Sometimes, it's still not easy. I still second-guess myself, and I can scare myself sometimes, with thoughts of failure, and how fragile everything really is. We're all hanging on a thread, whether we know it or not...just look at all these people I've talked to, just like you and me, so "normal", and yet so broken. To me, nothing separates us but a moment of control that could slip away at any time. But the point is that sometimes, I'm still really scared that this will crash on me. This time, though, I'm taking the time to relish it.

I have been so touched by everyone's words of appreciation and the time they have taken to make my farewell party amazing. I can't get over it!! It makes me think I'm a pretty darn great person! Wow!!

Anyway, after getting sucked into watching The Two Coreys (I swear, TV is evil), I'm back to packing up. It's funny, I'm just taking things off walls and not even doing the usual one-last-look. I guess I'm really ready for the next thing!

And now Britney Spears is playing on Winamp, ooooh yeah, "get it, get it, (deep breathing), ....I'm a slaaaave for you...."

next chapter

B and I are moving in together. I've finally switched jobs to hopefully give me a fuller, less hectic life. We'll be building a beautiful life in a small house...we got a house in the city for such an awesome deal! There were rainbows along the way, literally. Sure, it's because we were having quite a bout of rain at the time, so one could say it's all coincidence, but I tend to see them as signs---signs that something better was coming up.

I usually see signs for the worse, so this time, I'll take them for the best. It'll be quiet. I'll play and he'll write. I look forward to my mind's rest and to deep breaths.

At first I didn't think my parents would like this whole arrangement too much. They're the conservative types. But, (and this is why the rainbows must have been a sign of divine intervention) they're all good with it. Me! Living with a boy that I'm not married to. My mind is blown.

I was stroking his face and hair while he lay on my lap. And I told him that I was glad I wrote that letter 3 years ago now. Wow! Three years ago. Such anguish and anxiety accompanied that letter. But I did know this could be really good and I'm glad I told him so.

And now I'm sleepy. In a way it's difficult to continue to keep this blog secret as I have to try and sneak time to do it, leading to fewer posts these days. Actually, no...it's because I've been busy living and not feeling like writing about it. Weird. But I'll keep coming back to this, I know it. For now, sweet dreams.