I spoke to him for a bit today.
I had this suspicion that he went to this battle and didn't call me. I was going to call him, but I thought, I really need to stay home, organize, do laundry. Really, I would only go to see him. So...forget it. Turns out he did go and he asked me today if I went.
Weird. Because he usually calls to see if I'm going. Or, I'd call to see whether he's going. None of that happened.
Last week too, we pretended not to see each other at the library. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I know I saw him.
Damn it. We have to get past this. I really hope it's a phase because it really saddens me. Really, really, saddens me.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Sunday, July 10, 2005
A MESSAGE
(Coldplay)
my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes up
you don't have to be alone
your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it's so hard to see clearly
you don't have to be on your own
you don't have to be on your own
and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i get that message home
my song is love
my song is love unknown
and i'm on fire for you clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be on your own
and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i'm nothing on my own
got to get that message home
and i'm not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it until it's much too late
on a platform i'm gonna stand and say
that i'm nothing on my own [well, i know i'm somethin']
and i love you, please come home
my song is love, is love unknown
and i've got to get that message home
I love you, don't you see. Not in a consuming kind of way in which I lose myself and what I'm about, but just plain love. I don't want you to feel the same way about me as you did about her. I should be loved differently. I like you with all your indecision, with all your issues, with all your fears, and with that stubborn door to your heart. I want to dance this awkward dance. I want to teach you how to move me until you're not afraid to lead. (Don't you know you already know how to move me?) I just want to see what the music does to us.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
distance
Today, when I woke up, I immediately thought, "I miss him."
Strange, because he hasn't gone anywhere. He's a phone call away. Less than a half hour ago, my cell rang, but I didn't pick up in time. I Googled the number and I found out that it came from a payphone right next to where he works. I thought the number looked familiar. The call came in just after he would normally finish work.
I wish I hadn't missed the call. I wish he had left a message. I know it's him. He has done this before and none of my friends are around there.
But what did I think would happen? Nothing. Though part of me is wishing that he called to chat. That he has thought things through and has changed his mind.
Funny how not thinking about someone all the time makes them seem distant. But I guess we both thought of each other today.
Strange, because he hasn't gone anywhere. He's a phone call away. Less than a half hour ago, my cell rang, but I didn't pick up in time. I Googled the number and I found out that it came from a payphone right next to where he works. I thought the number looked familiar. The call came in just after he would normally finish work.
I wish I hadn't missed the call. I wish he had left a message. I know it's him. He has done this before and none of my friends are around there.
But what did I think would happen? Nothing. Though part of me is wishing that he called to chat. That he has thought things through and has changed his mind.
Funny how not thinking about someone all the time makes them seem distant. But I guess we both thought of each other today.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
i wonder
I wrote this in response to a comment on my previous post: Why do some people want to hold on to something that has hurt them before?
He was hurt by X. So hurt, that even now, four years later, he still had to compare what he feels about me to how he felt about her, which led him to decide that it's not a good idea.
It's as though he heard something he didn't like in what I said about relationships and it stuck there. He has mentioned to me several times that she really messed him up. His view of dating relationships as finite (and in fact with the last two that he's been interested in, he figured things wouldn't last), before giving them a chance, tells me that he's scared.
So it seems that when he heard me say that I want someone who's not going to think "this is gonna end" he translated it to "she wants something that's going to last forever with me". Who wouldn't want to find something that lasts? But no one thinks right away that this is what's in front of them.
Sometimes I wonder whether he's convincing himself that I have high expectations so that he won't have to get involved and potentially hurt himself. He has expressed that he's not ready to get his heart broken.
But why, why hang on?
I certainly don't feel about him the way I felt about my ex. Why does he need to compare? Different people = different situations = different feelings. At least that's the way I see it.
The upside to this whole thing is that I'm sleeping more soundly. So soundly that I have lots of trouble getting up. I concentrate more on books I'm reading because thoughts of what I should do about him don't tease my brain away from the words.
I was riding in the car with my brother from the station today and he joked that I'm pining over...well, let's call him B. He has no idea what I've done. He didn't think I would deal well with rejection, so he didn't think I should ask him out. The truth is, I wasn't pining at all. I was thinking about the situation, but I was feeling calm, taking in the impossible brilliance and softness of the sunlit clouds, while feeling the undercurrent of the absence of anticipation.
I do miss the tension of the unknown with regard to B. I miss the mutual feeling.
Because despite what he said, I know what I know. I know that we both felt something at the same time for quite some time. I have to trust that I'm a smart woman. It takes me a while to believe it when a connection occurs. I put my emotions through a rigorous test to weed out falsity. But time has had its way.
I knew when he left for a year that I might never get my chance. I thought that if I got to him now, while we're both single, I could beat time as it races to fill empty spaces.
More and more, I'm learning how tricky time is. It'll have its way. When you think you're ahead, it's simply because you didn't see it pass. Or maybe you took the wrong route after all. Or maybe I just had a false start.
He was hurt by X. So hurt, that even now, four years later, he still had to compare what he feels about me to how he felt about her, which led him to decide that it's not a good idea.
It's as though he heard something he didn't like in what I said about relationships and it stuck there. He has mentioned to me several times that she really messed him up. His view of dating relationships as finite (and in fact with the last two that he's been interested in, he figured things wouldn't last), before giving them a chance, tells me that he's scared.
So it seems that when he heard me say that I want someone who's not going to think "this is gonna end" he translated it to "she wants something that's going to last forever with me". Who wouldn't want to find something that lasts? But no one thinks right away that this is what's in front of them.
Sometimes I wonder whether he's convincing himself that I have high expectations so that he won't have to get involved and potentially hurt himself. He has expressed that he's not ready to get his heart broken.
But why, why hang on?
I certainly don't feel about him the way I felt about my ex. Why does he need to compare? Different people = different situations = different feelings. At least that's the way I see it.
The upside to this whole thing is that I'm sleeping more soundly. So soundly that I have lots of trouble getting up. I concentrate more on books I'm reading because thoughts of what I should do about him don't tease my brain away from the words.
I was riding in the car with my brother from the station today and he joked that I'm pining over...well, let's call him B. He has no idea what I've done. He didn't think I would deal well with rejection, so he didn't think I should ask him out. The truth is, I wasn't pining at all. I was thinking about the situation, but I was feeling calm, taking in the impossible brilliance and softness of the sunlit clouds, while feeling the undercurrent of the absence of anticipation.
I do miss the tension of the unknown with regard to B. I miss the mutual feeling.
Because despite what he said, I know what I know. I know that we both felt something at the same time for quite some time. I have to trust that I'm a smart woman. It takes me a while to believe it when a connection occurs. I put my emotions through a rigorous test to weed out falsity. But time has had its way.
I knew when he left for a year that I might never get my chance. I thought that if I got to him now, while we're both single, I could beat time as it races to fill empty spaces.
More and more, I'm learning how tricky time is. It'll have its way. When you think you're ahead, it's simply because you didn't see it pass. Or maybe you took the wrong route after all. Or maybe I just had a false start.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
the long-awaited update
The response went like this:
'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.
Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.
You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'
He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.
That was the heart-cracking response.
Wow, how to explain how I feel...
Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.
Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.
I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.
The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.
I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!
I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.
I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.
That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.
reminiscing
"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."
I had written that back in March 2004.
The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.
Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.
Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.
At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.
For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.
'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.
Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.
You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'
He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.
That was the heart-cracking response.
Wow, how to explain how I feel...
Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.
Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.
I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.
The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.
I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!
I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.
I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.
That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.
reminiscing
"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."
I had written that back in March 2004.
The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.
Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.
Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.
At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.
For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.
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