thoughts

What is it about love that creates this stupid longing and the constant thinking anyway. I was thinking that it's really just like a mind habit after a while. Maybe the mind must always be preoccupied with something, and what better way to keep busy than to contemplate something that it can never really know the answer to.

There are people out there who are so obviously in unhealthy relationships, and yet they stay. There seems to be an addictive thing about it. Then came the sad question...is love and the search for it just a habit? Obviously, I don't really believe that, but there are times when the answer seems 'yes' and it's scary.

Think about it. It's a constant feeding into oneself of a mix of emotions. What a fun rollercoaster ride!---anger, jealousy, love, friendship, lust, etc. No wonder we want it so.

We love one, then, somehow, we get over it enough to start looking elsewhere. Which is not to say that a part of someone doesn't continue with us, but I marvel at the ability to continue when something supposedly meant so much. Once, I thought, 'This is it!' "I love you with all my heart, my soul...", and all such effusions. And then it's gone, and I carry on.

But then if it were an addiction, I would not have wanted it before knowing what it is, but I recall a time before all this in which I really felt alone and ready. Or, it could be a case of wanting to try something out that everybody says is so good. But if that were the case, I'd have tried smoking, or pot (Am I the last person who hasn't tried it? I keep turning it down at parties. I think it's coz of questionable sources, like, "eew, your mouth has been on that."), or any number of things.

I just wish the constant thinking didn't accompany it. And this restlessness, wanting to know the outcome. And the seeing someone whom you think is great, but who doesn't seem to see you in that way, but you won't know until you talk about it, but you can't talk about it, coz the fear is too great, but it could be really good, but you don't wanna look stupid, and you don't want it to affect the friendship, you know you have so much in common, and you already support each other, and it's all so logical, but maybe it's bad coz it's logical, but there WERE sparks, and everybody saw, and you're pretty sure you saw, and you wonder why he can't see it and if he'll ever see it and if he EVER saw it, and am I just being dumb? (he's being dumb), but really all you want is to be with him, but is it enough to be friends coz you can't bear to see him with someone else, and you wonder if he's attracted to you, or if the thought of kissing you grosses him out, and if you're like a sister, and then your mind hurts, and you feel like you've known him long enough to know you love him, but wonder if it's really love coz you've felt that before, but you feel so sure, and you search for clues in what he says, coz that's all you got right now, and does he think about you?, think the same thoughts, wish the same wishes, see the same sameness, think of past incredible moments, wonder what would happen if he mentioned it, wonder if you feel it too, and see how truly good it could be?

As usually occurs after I've blogged this stuff, my mind clears enough to think that I should really just freakin' do all kinds of fun things that I wanna do. Take photos, read a whole helluva lot, work on the site, etc. etc. There's SO MUCH to do!!! Youpee!!

I can already feel that it's going to be an awesome summer!

again

I can't compete. I really feel like I can't compete in something that isn't even a matter of competition. But that's how I feel. So lost, with so many questions---things that slipped off unseen, though I felt them go (or let go?). There's a crease between my eyebrows furrowed by thoughts. I want to stop asking those questions, waiting, mouth open, tongue dry, hoping that the drops that I watch form will not be a mere mirage. I'm still waiting. If I leave now, that drop may fall, wasted. But I wish someone would tell me whether all have left for the sun. That the mud is dry and cracked. And that I should find another place. But if told that and I go...what if I don't see the tiny, delicate leaves emerging from the one seed that managed to convince the last drop to stay?...right there in the very crack that leaves it exposed to the harshness of the sky...and then, what if it were to die?

anyone have any answers/ideas?

So...how do you know whether you have crossed the friend line with someone you're interested in, never to return to the other side?

The trouble with being friends is that you talk about really personal things that you don't tell anyone else, because you are close and trust each other. So how do you know whether you are seen as "the shoulder" or as "a special person", one who's breaking through barriers. Trust is really important in a relationship, but if you're interested in someone who also happens to be your friend, are there just certain things you shouldn't talk about? When is it a case of "I need your help" and when is it a case of "I can tell you want to know me, and I think I'm ready to have you know me"?

If anyone could shed some light on this whole thing, I would greatly appreciate it.

I was watching Everwood today, and once again it made me cry. I'm on the verge of tears a lot, maybe I'm PMSing. I tend to get more emotional. No...it's happened other times too. The whole Ephraim and Amy storyline, with the timing being off...UGH! So true, so true.

I randomly clicked on someone's blog today and found this. I really liked it.

"Wait for the boy who pursues you....the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical... The kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person.... Wait for the boy who will be your best friend... The person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day, no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile and when he smiles you know he needs you.... Wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and have no makeup on, but appreciates it when you get all dolled up for him.... Most of all, wait for the boy who will put you, at the center of his universe..."

just me

it has just occured to me that it kind of sucks not being able to immediately share my joy with anyone. one of my friends called, my mom called, so i've shared with them. but it's not the same as sharing it with someone who has seen me go up and down trying to accomplish something important. so, as i sit here in this bright, sunny room, i smile to myself and feel really happy and proud about it all. i close my eyes and take a deep breath.

...and it's just me in this big, wide, open space...and i'm smiling and free...

i see the light!

haaaaaaa...long sigh of relief. things went well. it's funny that after the stress is lifted things seem brighter. it's all a mind trick, isn't it? if i can coach myself through the harder days successfully, i'd be alright. but seriously, once again, there isn't anything significantly different in my life, except that i've completed yet another exam---THE exam! i wish i could somehow harness this energy and save it for a more trying time. or, if i can emulate all that i feel today---openness, calm, brightness, etc.---at a worse time, then i can work my way out of any boggy mire. it's definitely an art.

this is the highlight of my day

I got the fractal images to appear. I think they will stay there.

Apart from that...

In my head, I was throwing things. First, I thought I would throw fragile things, but I thought that would be too easy and that I needed sturdier, breakable objects so that I could throw them REALLY, REALLY hard and they would hit the brick buildings I was walking past and shatter with a LOUD, LOUD blast into innumerable shards.

i pledge my love to thee

In the depth of your darkness I find life. You wake my tired limbs and coax my mind into cognition. As numbness begins its delicate, opportunistic descent into the space gradually revealed by the hesitant, though imminent, departure of sentience, the force of your magnetism repels it with scathing dissent. For a few more moments, the world is tactile. I taste you...delightful, bittersweet. Your heat threatens to consume me from within, leaving a molten, metaphysical path that is my secret proof of your searing caress. My lotus eyes awake, belying the ephemeral fantasies that flit unseen. Sadly, our union is transient, and too hastily replaced by memory's sweet indolence. I am abandoned, defenseless, against night's restless fury. Defeated, I submit, and deliver my last conscious breath---a sacrifice at the altar of a vindictive wakefulness. Oh, hot, delicious, addictive coffee, only you can fill my fatigued body such sweet chaos!

is this what i'm meant to do?

I thought I could commit my life to the study of music. But, if I'm having such a hard time focusing on it right now and I can't relish the lines, am I mistaken? But maybe this happens everytime something becomes work and not a pastime. Am I meant to spend hours alone in a room doing this? The reward of playing something beautifully and having it mean something to others certainly makes it all worth it. I just have to figure out how essential it is to who I am. And even as I write that I know that the answer is: IT'S ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL.

I hope this lack of motivation stops soon. Jury's next week!

version 2

snowflake kiss


cold perfected symmetry
made abstract
in the warmth of ecstasy's sigh

there goes time again

It's mighty late. I always have patience for the internet, though. I think it's something of an addiction.

But that aside...

Sometimes, my secrecy hurts. I hate having people read what I've written. When I hand essays in, I cut them off. I get them back and I don't even look at the comments. I'm scared to commit to the words, or to have the words commit to me. I don't understand why this scares me so. Others put their lives out there and are free.

I think it has to do with words being undeniable. Music, being more intangible, seems safer. Fewer can decode it. I offer an explanation of myself through it, but I can affirm or deny its manner of receipt, or float in between. It's as though sending it out into open space subjects it to the subtle and imperceptible infiltration of...well, anything, really...dust particles, perfume, leaves, skin cells, light, time. With all that interferes with the part of me that's sent out with music, I can be assured that I will be indistinguishable.

It occurs to me that what I want is for people to pay attention. It all sounds so egotistical. But I want people to take the time to figure out the puzzle, picking up pieces here and there. I think that I do that with others. Maybe I'm feeling that people want it all upfront. We've become impatient (even I am guilty of that). I want someone to ask the questions. Come to think of it, hardly anybody asks me why I chose a certain piece of music. I suppose that's part of the veil.

The down side to all of this is that even people closest to me don't really know about all the strange things that go through my head. They're not aware of my writing style, and I will likely never know whether they think something I've written is good, bad, effective. I won't get feedback from them, and I won't get a response to my innermost thoughts. I will never know whether something I have said, with care, makes them cringe or sparks their imagination. They won't know how I feel the world.

observations

I'm discovering that a strange thing is happening. I started this blog because some people I know have one and I wanted to know what it feels like to have people read my thoughts. I don't mention any names, and sometimes, things may be vague and up to interpretation.

I'm learning a bit about html, too, as a result.

The thing that I'm finding is that I want people to read stuff here. I don't claim that they'll find it interesting, but the thought that someone in the great wide world will read my thoughts, maybe someone across the diameter of the globe from me, is amazing!!

My thought at getting my first comment was, "I can't believe someone actually read my blog!!" And then I'd get return visits and therefore more comments.

A really strange thought, too, is that I could cross paths with people who know some of what I'm thinking and I would never know. I'm not even sure how to describe what I feel about that. That person I lock eyes with for a millisecond, walking down the street, could know some of my deepest thoughts. He/she may even have talked to me about it.

WEIRD!

why?

Why don't the images always appear? Is it some weird thing with the site I've put them on? I've only seen it here once.

Anyway, there's a link on the right for anyone who's interested. They're awesome and kaleidoscope-y. I like kaleidoscopes. I really like the ones that make crazy images of everything around me.

fractal images, finally

firecracker

alien desert

i miss you

i miss you i miss you i miss you. i think this may make me sound weak, but honestly, i'm described as strong by most. but here, i choose to be weak. i miss you more than i have in a while. i wish you were here, listening to music, watching clips, laughing, reading together. i want to think of you and wonder why you did that really nice thing you did today, despite knowing why. i miss your hugs and hugging you. i miss late night visits and snacks and silliness. i miss hearing you say you'd like for me to keep you company. i miss you calling me and saying something that so obviously lets me know you care. i miss the door closing and the knock on my door that came so often that i knew it was you. i miss the small moments when i knew how you felt and i'm pretty sure you knew how i felt. i miss your energy. i miss how excited you get when you're hearing an awesome track. i miss your cooking. i miss your imagination and being closer to it than most. i miss how difficult you can be and then how you can admit to it later. i miss you on my couch. i miss that time we talked, heads close, on your bed and you asked me a question---it was so comfortable, simply nice. i had no thoughts, except what we were talking about at the time. i miss you spinning me around in the most incomprehensible dance ever. i miss cartoon e-mails and inside jokes. i miss making others feel like we had a loop only we two shared. i miss cooking for you. i miss the thoughtful things you did to make my day easier and brighter. i miss the sunlight in my room as we smiled. i miss how you told me i look good. i miss you looking good, looking tired, looking depressed, looking sleepy, being grumpy, being silly, looking thoughtful. i miss you writing essays. i miss you hugging me around my shoulders. i miss the extended looks we gave each other, jokingly, or for that special reason. i miss eating with you. i miss sponge bob with you. i miss walking with you. i miss feeling like we're falling.

i miss you. i miss you so much. i really want you here. and today, i didn't even picture whether i'd prefer him in that role, doing that. the thought came, but for the first time, i didn't care to put him in your place. i wanted you there. want you here. please be here.

i need you unnecessarily.

fractals

I discovered fractal designs on the net ages ago, and I've just found this fractals sight. So pretty!! See link on the right.

what is this place?

At times, I get tired of thinking and a sort of numbness sets in. It's a strange place between not thinking and not feeling, like an erased pencil sketch trace of both in the air, against a light blue backdrop. Why it's light blue, I don't know. I'm powerless in this place, but I need no power either, because no one has it over me here. It's a place of "to each one's own". I can't call for help. I don't want to. No one could reach me. I accept all, and though it doesn't feel right, I look on with unseeing curiosity. I contort my face towards its centre because that's what it does when I cry, but no tears come. What is there to cry for, anyway? I feel the flood of warm liquid to the path that reminds me of the source of tears, but no springs emerge; the hot pressure of thought and emotion mingled, cooled by the near vacuity of this place. I'm trapped by the space in which I am free to move. How do I free myself from an unlocked, unbounded cage?

not perfect

You can't make a perfect offering,
There's a crack in everything,
That's how the light comes in.

- Leonard Cohen

i can't mind read

god! sometimes i think he can see how good we are together and how well i know him, then other times, i think that the link to "therefore, we should give it a try" is missing. unless he's good at hiding it. as good as i am. i'm trying to be slightly more transparent, but maybe being really secretive means that it takes more than transparency.

angry, stressed, wanna hit something

I'm really rather stressed today. The funny thing is, my reaction to being stressed is to just back off and say, "There it is. There's nothing I can do." It's as though my mind has grown completely tired of worrying about things it can't change. It gives up and wonders why it should exert the effort to figure out how to fit in all the things it has to deal with in a day. Essentially, I give up. Or, I want to. I just want to go to bed.

Everytime I try to concentrate, my mind wants to stop. Tonight, though, it wasn't all my fault, I was memorizing stuff really efficiently, though internally doubting whether I could finish all tonight. Then, 3 people knock on my door. I can't turn them away, either.

I've made a decision to get back to work, rather abruptly. I can still get in a good hour.

I feel really lost today, though the space between each lost episode grows wider. I'm making true progress, I think. But I really miss him. I wonder whether he thinks about me. I wonder whether he is so blind to the connection we have...correction, had(?). What if he feels so changed by everything that when he gets back, he isn't the person I knew. Somehow, I doubt that, but it's a possibility. It's a small fear I have that the guy I knew no longer exists.

I woke up this morning thinking how just a few months ago, I was incredibly happy. I would look at the falling leaves and despite the clouds, I smiled because of the strength he brought me with IM or e-mail messages.

I backed off because I needed time to end the other, to be fair to myself and to that relationship. I didn't want to seem too eager, too excited to start something, though my heart would race in the mornings, looking forward to the next message.

I guess that's what I get for playing a "game". What would've happened if I hadn't backed off? If I decided that I didn't care that I seem really eager to talk, just as he did?

Ok. Going to work now before I get angrier at myself for not working.