finally home

I'm all settled in, well almost, 3 boxes to go.

We have this miracle of a home. We currently feel like the happiest people in the world. We got such a great deal on a house rental, it's crazy! No neighbours to worry about...seriously, I don't understand how it is that we got so lucky. Rent's $625 each + utilities. It's such a crazy steal.

I thought my parents would just die if they ever even heard the suggestion that we'd live together. Surprisingly, the most that I got was a heave of breath from my mom. I had been bracing myself for no-speaking-for-months, anger at him for influencing me, admonitions about sin. But no, my family loves the place.

Just goes to show you that sometimes, you can underestimate the understanding of your parents.

Now if only I can get hyped to play piano. I need a push if I'm going to make it into this Masters. I need to practice my ass off. But, for example, I mopped the floor and did dishes tonight. Yes, these are necessary, but I could've left them for him; or left them for tomorrow.

My mind is new to this scene of peace, which is perhaps why I'm slow to push myself into a tizzy once again. My mind leaps forward to anticipate some catastrophe where there is none. Sometimes, I hear a preemptive frequency that signals an emergency call and my heart moves forward in my chest. It's amazing what years of being alert for the worst does to your brain, amazing the deprogramming of muscles that must take place.

This is a much needed change for me, I realize even more. I had become anxious, looping my own fatalistic thoughts. I was tired all the time. I couldn't enjoy anything. And now I can take my time---where am I rushing to anyway?

It's funny thinking back to the anguish in my earliest posts. I couldn't have pictured this seeming perfection. I know the grief may come again (though I'm trying not to think the worst), but I vow to take the time to enjoy this.

Peace and love and freedom.

packing it in

...and up!

My last day of work was yesterday and my new job starts on Monday. I have moments when the reality of how great my life is hits me, when I think that really, I own the world. Leaving this job has left me with a healthy sense of my accomplishments, and of the fact that people actually did appreciate what I did for them; and beyond that, who I am. I have people really wanting me to have a house warming party so they could come and associate with me. Me! I didn't think I had extended myself enough for people to even care who I really am. I've written of some very dark moments in this blog. Many of those moments, I experienced here. I often thought that I was no longer myself, that I had grown tired of people, and I felt myself apologizing silently for not being better.

Whether I've grown so accustomed to pretending, or if people just forgave me for being human once in a while...I don't even know. But I feel truly blessed to be where I am right now. Sometimes, it's still not easy. I still second-guess myself, and I can scare myself sometimes, with thoughts of failure, and how fragile everything really is. We're all hanging on a thread, whether we know it or not...just look at all these people I've talked to, just like you and me, so "normal", and yet so broken. To me, nothing separates us but a moment of control that could slip away at any time. But the point is that sometimes, I'm still really scared that this will crash on me. This time, though, I'm taking the time to relish it.

I have been so touched by everyone's words of appreciation and the time they have taken to make my farewell party amazing. I can't get over it!! It makes me think I'm a pretty darn great person! Wow!!

Anyway, after getting sucked into watching The Two Coreys (I swear, TV is evil), I'm back to packing up. It's funny, I'm just taking things off walls and not even doing the usual one-last-look. I guess I'm really ready for the next thing!

And now Britney Spears is playing on Winamp, ooooh yeah, "get it, get it, (deep breathing), ....I'm a slaaaave for you...."

next chapter

B and I are moving in together. I've finally switched jobs to hopefully give me a fuller, less hectic life. We'll be building a beautiful life in a small house...we got a house in the city for such an awesome deal! There were rainbows along the way, literally. Sure, it's because we were having quite a bout of rain at the time, so one could say it's all coincidence, but I tend to see them as signs---signs that something better was coming up.

I usually see signs for the worse, so this time, I'll take them for the best. It'll be quiet. I'll play and he'll write. I look forward to my mind's rest and to deep breaths.

At first I didn't think my parents would like this whole arrangement too much. They're the conservative types. But, (and this is why the rainbows must have been a sign of divine intervention) they're all good with it. Me! Living with a boy that I'm not married to. My mind is blown.

I was stroking his face and hair while he lay on my lap. And I told him that I was glad I wrote that letter 3 years ago now. Wow! Three years ago. Such anguish and anxiety accompanied that letter. But I did know this could be really good and I'm glad I told him so.

And now I'm sleepy. In a way it's difficult to continue to keep this blog secret as I have to try and sneak time to do it, leading to fewer posts these days. Actually, no...it's because I've been busy living and not feeling like writing about it. Weird. But I'll keep coming back to this, I know it. For now, sweet dreams.

clarity of memory

So strange, but this morning, lying in bed and closing my eyes, I remember in detail our old house...textures and everything. It was so vivid that it was an effort for me to think of the layout of our current house.

I suppose it's because I really did spend more time there than here, as my mom pointed out. It's apparent to me that she sees it as a bit of a disappointment. She had this vision that this new house would be one in which I spend a lot of time, but I went away to university, so timing wasn't right. I wonder if this is the source of some regret that she somehow blames herself for. Then, I feel anger because somehow this disappointment is directed at me.

The fact that I didn't want to wait until I was married to move out because of the rules of the house has been difficult to explain. And it's more than just the rules. She also keeps wanting me to come back, or at least this was a very evident goal for a long time that I can't even take any gestures of help as sincere.

For some reason, every time I come home, I feel some kind of anger. And today, I realize that I am mad at my mom. Or maybe frustrated that I can do nothing to change her mind that she's not to blame for creating rules that I hated and rebelled against. She believed she was doing her best. My dad was behind these rules, too. And I'm angry for her making me feel like I have to assure her she's not to blame. She's constantly trying to make it up by serving us all, though we don't need it. I realize now that this is why I push her away when I can see all she wants is to make conversation and see what's up. She gets pretty excited to have me around. But somehow, I want her to get it through her head that she can stop trying to please me and make me feel loved, because I already know I'm loved and I was raised well. But no matter what, I'm never going to live here again. I chose my life the only sure way I knew.

I hate feeling angry, and as I become even more self-aware, perhaps to my detriment, I've been searching for the source of it. I always figure that if I can get to the root, I can deal with it or accept it. And today, as these thoughts took shape I got more and more worked up. And I realized they were true.

And so it is that we hurt most the ones we love.

ouch! my hip!

I must seriously be getting old, because my right hip area hurts. When I sit in a chair for too long, my lower back hurts. Now, I know people younger than me experience this, like my brother and my boyfriend, but I have never, ever, ever, been in pain from doing everyday things. My doctor says my constant headaches can also be caused by my body changing, nay, aging. Yeesh!

Sleepy now, but wishing to write. I think I have to start not thinking of the worst case scenario. I need to practice taking things as they come. Mind you, my job makes me think through to the worst in order to prevent it from happening. It works well at determining a proactive approach, but the mind habit it creates is awful.

Since I spent so much unfruitful time on facebook, I am now tired and not able to write more. Well, maybe a few thoughts jotted down...

- life is full of uncertainties that are most exciting (which also means a bit scary)
- I never feel that I'm settled --- always in transition
- "We'll figure it out" --- sure sounds lovingly long-term! And so does, "Well, I'm sure that I love you", in response
- I still like being alone
- I marvel at the person I've become, as I am asked for my opinion by some really important people, who also believe that I could really "climb the ladder", if only I'd choose to climb.
- the hold that music has on me will always be there
- if I had more money, many things would be easier
- I wouldn't trade my dreams and simplicity of being for all the money in the world (unless I could really benefit someone I care about --- life and death sort of thing --- and only if it doesn't harm others)
- sometimes I feel lost and sometimes I think I'm pretty damn awesome --- this can happen in the span of an hour!
- I love sleep.

Good night.

impossible

I can't believe anyone would even suggest that I add more duties to my job. Seriously, am I supposed to work 24/7? I work overtime a lot as it is. The operation is going so well, so why does anyone want to change it?

I do think that we're pushed and pushed and money is offered as the incentive. But money doesn't do it for me. I value balance above all, because without it, there will also be no sanity. As though a higher salary means that somehow I can do it all! I'm beginning to see how it is people end up with high paying jobs, lots of stress, and no real relationships. Then, they get trapped into thinking that their life is their work and their work is their life, so god forbid they should lose their jobs! They'll lose their lives as well. Then you get people retiring that no longer know what to do with themselves and feel useless, not even enjoying their own company.

Well, I refuse. I refuse to live for work. I refuse to create more clutter in my life that obscures what's most important...the symbiotic, strengthening relationships that I form with those that mean the most to me.

So go ahead and tell me I have to do more and offer me more money. I'll just say no and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

some time to myself

I'm saddened by the lack of motivation to write these days.

What's been going on? Well, work, work, and work again. I've been doing okay, except for the occasional difficult case, emotions and all. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a job, but it's terribly difficult cutting off anyway.

I'm afraid that one of my staff no longer thinks I care to support him in his difficulty and that he'll start acting up like he did in the beginning of the year. There's already a bit of evidence of that. I'm hoping he'll remain professional.

A great job opportunity is before me too. They really seem to want me to stay and are trying to keep me. But it's hard, when I value creativity (and sanity!) most. I could earn lots of money, wipe out my student debt, and save for some real estate. Man, I better make it or else I may regret this one. No, not true. I think this is draining me.

I'm once again at a crossroads. I sense I'm about to pick up and start a new phase in my life. It's exciting and scary, as these things usually go. Where will I live? Where will I work? Will I be successful at it? I'm gonna miss this place. It's truly my home. It's been my home for 6 years. But it's also starting to make me feel cloistered. I don't want to step out my door for fear of what I might encounter, i.e. for fear that I'll have to work when I don't want to. Despite the reminders in my head that each case is an opportunity and not merely a task, I no longer feel satisfied. Nor do I feel altruistic.

My best friend's getting married. That's another thing that's up. I'll be doing the maid of honour thing. Hope it's not too expensive, but I'm not holding my breath. It made me cry to be asked. We've know each other since we were kids, but I didn't know whether she thought of me as a best friend anymore since we're so busy these days. I'm glad she did. I love her so much and wish her all the happiness in the world!

Okay, losing steam with this post now. So, later!