i can't believe i still haven't changed my mind

I'm gonna do it...gonna tell him.

We were hanging out a few days ago. There he was, cute as always. Laughing his head off over words. It was great! And I kept thinking, "I'm crossing that line. He has no idea. This could all end. And he has no idea what's coming."

And it seems almost impossible that he will reciprocate. I haven't seen any indication of it lately.

Since making the decision, though, I haven't worried about it as much. It's nice having control of something. Knowing something is coming is better than wondering what life will bring.

I still think about whether I should change my mind, though. Look at all that will change! Could be for something even better. But it could also not be. It could be weird. It may never be the same.

We sat there, free of tension. It was simply nice. And I wondered whether he was thinking of me at all in that way as he spoke. I wondered, when we alluded to the night he told a friend how he feels about me, whether he recalled their conversation in a flash, just as it flashed in my head. It was funny. We were talking about this guy and whether or not he was in this commercial. He didn't believe he was but I said that he actually admitted it. He didn't hear this because he was out talking to our friend while I was talking to the guy. Just as he told me he didn't know about the admission, I realized why and we both looked down at the menus.

I also sent him an e-mail with something funny, but sexual in it. I do this with my friends all the time, but have been careful not to do this to him. I think I may have scared him...no clever quip returned.

Oh man, the things coming to him, and he has no idea. I sure hope I'm not making a mistake. I wish I could read his actions more, but I know I can't really know what he's thinking. We've been steering clear of this topic for 3 years almost, I'm sure we've become good at not being obvious.

Here's hoping that I don't turn back. So far, I haven't changed my mind and it's almost 2 wks since I've made the decision. I haven't acted because there's a rather specific timing involved.

a rainy morning..well, afternoon now

sitting in my room. listen to harry connick jr.'s "come by me" cd. haven't listened to that guy in a while.

such the drama with my mom this morning. she's stressing herself out and i got frustrated. my tone went up. shouldn't do that. she's the sweetest thing ever. all's good now. i apologized and explained my frustration.

hmm...mr. connick's putting me in a calmer mood. reminds me of calmer days of day-dreaming.

strange that i should be quite content today, a rainy day. normally, i'd feel all depressed. nice.

something strange

make a choice

sometimes i feel like i'm getting really close to deciding to tell him. today, i felt myself getting nervous in anticipation of the next time i see him. will i tell him? i wish i knew. i can decide to then change my mind at the last second.

i just don't want life to pass me by, without my having any say in it.

this is really pathetic

ok. this is really pissing me off now. just when i vow to just keep going, to look on the bright side of things; just when i'm feeling pretty good, he has to go and seem like he cares, and then just when excitement creeps up, he says something that makes me go, "what the hell? so, it's like you care and then now you're all nonchalant."

like fuck, seriously, if you're gonna care, care. follow through, damn it! i care sooo much and you say you do too. and then, due to some strange train of thought, no doubt, it's like you've gotten scared again, or uncertain. fuck!

i want so much to just be able to let this go. i don't know how. maybe i'll get so fed up (and more frequently, i feel this way) and i'll drop it. and say 'fuck you' to all your pseudo-caring.

it's just so hard to shake off! i want this to stop. the feelings, i mean. i don't want to care so much. why do i?

i no longer understand why it's not simple. people like each other and go out. why is it easier to go out with someone you don't even like and may not even be all too interested in? i just don't get it!! it doesn't make sense AT ALL!! you see someone in some random place, he gives you his no., you give him yours, you call and off you go in a date. with someone you don't even like. then the one guy that you deeply care about and who really cares about you can't be the same person you go out with. NO SENSE!!

but i can't shake it because i feel like i haven't done much either, not having initiated THE conversation. but why me? why me when he supposedly isn't sure. will our talking clarify my doubts and his doubts. there will always be doubt. why does this doubt have to take over in this case?

scared of not thinking

I've been so busy at work lately that I fortunately have not had much time to think. I know I posted not too long ago about thinking about things again, but I really don't do it much during the day.

As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.

And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.

Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.

I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.

But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.

I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.

I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.

Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.

And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?

another side of me

I like taking pics. This is one of them. More and more I'm seeing amazing photoblogs. I just might create a new link in the sidebar for a few favorites. You can click to enlarge this one.

out again

Went out again last night. Out to a club. More and more I'm thinking I might drop the whole scene. I'm not a big clubber. I mean, I like to dance, but I don't go to pick up. But, my girlfriends really like to dance and they're so much fun to be with, that I don't mind going.

Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.

Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.

The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.

Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.

So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.

So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.

It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.

checking in

sleepy. must sleep, but eyes attached to the net.

funny how spring brings a renewed hope. but then, a fear, too, in case the hope never materializes.

but my is it ever beautiful out. it's a strange phenomenon...the way light can make everything seem better, the way it can make your mind feel free. maybe it just illuminates everything and we become distracted.

how great and bright life can be.

well, this is a pretty haphazard post. but i just felt like posting without much to say.

oh where, oh where will life take me...

why, oh why, do i go to clubs?!

I've been going clubbing almost every weekend lately. It's been a lot of fun, going out with the girls, looking good (oh yeah, we know it!).

I don't go to pick up. I finally decided to try exchanging info with this one guy who didn't talk to me at all except for telling me that I'm really pretty (oh the flattery!). I was honest. I told him I would have to think about contacting him. He e-mailed and I realized I didn't want to go out with him. Or anybody for that matter.

My friends are scared that I'm stuck on the guy I keep going on and on about in this blog. Truth is, this is true. I always think that if someone comes along that makes me think about him a few times, I just might be lured away. You know, it's that whole idea that if I'm not getting what I need, eventually, I'll turn to someone else. I sure hope this is true.

Anyway, I have to say that I CANNOT stand it when guys think they can just grab your ass because you're at a club. Seriously people, wait until we at least make eye contact that seems to say, "come hither." It really, really angered me.

Not every guy is like this, of course. I've had guys just dance with me...no touching I didn't want. I liked that. One night though, holy shit, there was a hand sliding up my thigh 2 minutes into the club.

So why do I go? Who the hell knows. Well...the attention has to be part of it. It's an ego boost knowing I can turn heads, but then I think that for the most part, the guys that do notice just want a quick fix. This is the way it has seemed from my perspective. Sorry for the sweeping generalization. It's like they just want to stick things up things. Ugh!

This past weekend really made me irritated, though. I hate how those hoity-toity clubs aren't even tactful about letting in the people they obviously think belong to their "clientele". You know, you're standing in the supposed guest line and then you see 50 people chit chat with the bouncer and in they go! All this when the club's supposed to be at capacity. GRRRR....!

Really, though, I'm this close to never setting foot in those dressier clubs. Give me a place where I can wear sneaks!!