This past weekend, I received the most attention ever!
I was dancing at this club and a bartender, out of nowhere, walked up to me and gave me a bottle of water. Oh, if only this were the way guys hit on me all the time! It was just what I needed!
Then, my friends and I went out to eat. A rather handsome lad walked by me and with a gesture of his hand, directed the comment, "Beautiful", to me. When my order arrived, I realized that a table of guys was just staring. Soon, one of them passed a note that said, "Hey cutie, what's your name?" The problem with them, though, is that they stared the whole time and made me uncomfortable. Another note, grammatically incorrect, followed. If I had been in a bad mood, I'd have told them to look elsewhere. It became too much. No subtlety whatsoever.
There was a cute guy across from me though, who made eye contact every now and then. He even talked to me about my order. As he got up to leave, I did a bold thing...I looked him in the eye and nodded. He returned my gaze and kept it even as he walked towards the door. He turned around, as he couldn't help it if he didn't want to bump into anything, but before heading out, he caught my gaze again. Excellent eye connection!...one of those moments where everything around you fades for a few lengthy seconds.
And that's all that happened.
While this story doesn't include big romantic gestures, I would like to note that making obvious eye contact and smiling at a cute guy is not something I've done very much. This is quite a big step for me since my disappointents of late.
This was a much needed reminder that it's only a matter of time until I'm healed enough to welcome someone in. And that perhaps there might, in fact, still be someone out there that will get me.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
dear _______,
I guess I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and that I miss you. We are friends, and I can tell that you do love me somehow and that you do care. But you are impenetrable as ever. I know you haven't told me all that there is. I don't think that people can care about each other this way and be satisfied to call it a friendship.
Despite this, I leave room for my own foolish misinterpretations.
I wish that you would call me like you used to and that I would call you. Of course, we don't do this anymore. The time between calls just may get longer from now on. But you know the reason we did that right? Because we both wanted something from the other. Before I said anything, it was great living in that ambiguity. There's no real pain there. In fact, it was teeming with expectation.
I still don't understand how my saying something made us both step back... like I broke that fragile cup and everything spilled all over so that there's nothing for us to share. Why couldn't that expectation just explode over us as happiness? Was I really that mistaken?
When you look at me now, it's all so comfortable, but sometimes, I think we're aware, at the same time, of what happened. When I talk to you, I forget it all. But I leave you and it's not at all the same.
Our friendship wasn't ever really a friendship. If you're honest, I know you'll see that. That's why I don't get it at all. You returned everything just as much as I did. I think we just did it at the wrong times.
But if someday you happen to look at me and see something new, don't hesitate to tell me. No matter what obstacle there appears to be, just say it and let me decide what to do with it.
Because the truth is that I love you. And I can't help but think that maybe that's what scares you...because you're afraid that you can hurt me more than anyone can.
But I do love you. And now I have to put that aside so that someone else can come in. So that maybe I can love someone else. So that I can find someone who's not afraid to hurt me...who can see that I'm stronger than I seem. Someone who isn't going to be afraid to risk it all and who, because he risks losing me entirely, I'll never lose.
Love,
_____
Despite this, I leave room for my own foolish misinterpretations.
I wish that you would call me like you used to and that I would call you. Of course, we don't do this anymore. The time between calls just may get longer from now on. But you know the reason we did that right? Because we both wanted something from the other. Before I said anything, it was great living in that ambiguity. There's no real pain there. In fact, it was teeming with expectation.
I still don't understand how my saying something made us both step back... like I broke that fragile cup and everything spilled all over so that there's nothing for us to share. Why couldn't that expectation just explode over us as happiness? Was I really that mistaken?
When you look at me now, it's all so comfortable, but sometimes, I think we're aware, at the same time, of what happened. When I talk to you, I forget it all. But I leave you and it's not at all the same.
Our friendship wasn't ever really a friendship. If you're honest, I know you'll see that. That's why I don't get it at all. You returned everything just as much as I did. I think we just did it at the wrong times.
But if someday you happen to look at me and see something new, don't hesitate to tell me. No matter what obstacle there appears to be, just say it and let me decide what to do with it.
Because the truth is that I love you. And I can't help but think that maybe that's what scares you...because you're afraid that you can hurt me more than anyone can.
But I do love you. And now I have to put that aside so that someone else can come in. So that maybe I can love someone else. So that I can find someone who's not afraid to hurt me...who can see that I'm stronger than I seem. Someone who isn't going to be afraid to risk it all and who, because he risks losing me entirely, I'll never lose.
Love,
_____
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
hot apple cider
...makes me happy and reminds me of being cozy indoors with snow outside.
It also reminds me of my ex, though I'm drinking a different brand right now. In my head I remember the feeling of the slight smile on my lips, seeing the red packaging, him handing it to me and looking at me with a smile.
I like that the memories no longer pain me.
mmmm...
It also reminds me of my ex, though I'm drinking a different brand right now. In my head I remember the feeling of the slight smile on my lips, seeing the red packaging, him handing it to me and looking at me with a smile.
I like that the memories no longer pain me.
mmmm...
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
tired and sleepy
I really wanted to post today, but I spent time searching to see whether my blog is still listed on Blogarama and Blogwise. Somehow, I'm no longer on Blogarama.
Oh well.
Been much better lately, having done the things I love to do. Little by little, it will all come together. Introducing the optimistic me! Yes, it still exists.
What I need to do is ensure that I am not consumed by work, however. I'm just pretty new at this job, so I'm always anxious to be doing the right thing and not making hasty decisions.
I've also come to the conclusion that creativity is as essential to me as the air I breathe. I'm happiest when I can spend time doing it. I'm happiest when there's an audience for it because it's really the only way I can shut self-consciousness off. It's as though through art's guise, I can be excused from any shortcomings as the process of its creation is forgiving. Audiences might not always be so kind, but I think that for anyone who believes in the necessity of errors in the search for the right expression, there's even something about the rawest piece that allows a glimpse into the artist.
So, I've resolved that if my introverted nature can only come out through art in one form or another, then I have to do it. It's part of what's been missing all these years, as self-absorption (though I can also see how the creative process can lead to this) and emotional chaos have taken over too much.
Oh look, I've posted anyway.
G'night.
Oh well.
Been much better lately, having done the things I love to do. Little by little, it will all come together. Introducing the optimistic me! Yes, it still exists.
What I need to do is ensure that I am not consumed by work, however. I'm just pretty new at this job, so I'm always anxious to be doing the right thing and not making hasty decisions.
I've also come to the conclusion that creativity is as essential to me as the air I breathe. I'm happiest when I can spend time doing it. I'm happiest when there's an audience for it because it's really the only way I can shut self-consciousness off. It's as though through art's guise, I can be excused from any shortcomings as the process of its creation is forgiving. Audiences might not always be so kind, but I think that for anyone who believes in the necessity of errors in the search for the right expression, there's even something about the rawest piece that allows a glimpse into the artist.
So, I've resolved that if my introverted nature can only come out through art in one form or another, then I have to do it. It's part of what's been missing all these years, as self-absorption (though I can also see how the creative process can lead to this) and emotional chaos have taken over too much.
Oh look, I've posted anyway.
G'night.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
someday
someday i won't feel so lonely anymore, right? someday, someone will hold me again...someone will tell me i'm beautiful. someday, someone will want me again. someday, i'll feel sexy and he'll look at me with a hungry look that i've only ever seen once in my life. someday, i won't cry like this anymore. someday, someone will help me with the furniture and with the cooking. someday, someone will make me laugh, make me angry and kiss me afterwards. someday, it won't be such hard work. someday, i'll just be laughing all the time. someday, i'll want to make music again. someday, i won't have to push. someday, i'll know who i am, and i'll know because i won't even be thinking about it. someday, i'll have confidence again. someday, i'll believe that i don't go unnoticed. someday, my smile will mean something so completely unique to someone. someday, there'll be someone to sleep with and awake to. someday, i'll have naked breakfast with someone. someday, i'll share everything with someone. someday, i'll feel someone's body impossibly close to mine. someday, i'll be so lost in love i won't have room for anything else for a while, and when i'm no longer lost, i'll still be in love.
someday this will happen, right? because i can't continue to feel this sad all the time, right?
someday this will happen, right? because i can't continue to feel this sad all the time, right?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I feel restless and trapped. I wish that everything didn't feel so heavy. I feel like everything I do doesn't corectly represent who I am anymore or what I'm feeling. I sure wish something would make me ecstatically happy. Hell, even just a little bit happy would be good.
I'm pacing quite a bit. I'm still awesome at putting on a show. To the outside world, my life is quite good. Work is good, my place is good. But I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm doing things that I want to be doing and yet I'm not happy. I feel incredibly alone.
I'm in search of something that will fill me. Nothing seems to lately. I'm fighting so hard not to let this feeling get to me. No one has done anything, nothing bad is happening to me. It's all just here around me, though.
What scares me most is just this glimmer of a thought...that I will never be as carefree as I once was. That no matter how good things are, I'm just not going to be able to move away from this. I'm just not sure what to do to help myself.
I'm going to keep trying to fight it though. I still believe that it's possible that I'll find some colour in everything again. I just wish I knew right now how to get there faster.
I'm pacing quite a bit. I'm still awesome at putting on a show. To the outside world, my life is quite good. Work is good, my place is good. But I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm doing things that I want to be doing and yet I'm not happy. I feel incredibly alone.
I'm in search of something that will fill me. Nothing seems to lately. I'm fighting so hard not to let this feeling get to me. No one has done anything, nothing bad is happening to me. It's all just here around me, though.
What scares me most is just this glimmer of a thought...that I will never be as carefree as I once was. That no matter how good things are, I'm just not going to be able to move away from this. I'm just not sure what to do to help myself.
I'm going to keep trying to fight it though. I still believe that it's possible that I'll find some colour in everything again. I just wish I knew right now how to get there faster.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
sleep
I've been feeling it for at least three weeks now. It's so hard to shake.
Perhaps more sleep will help, healthier eating. It's all chemicals, right? There are triggers, certainly, but the ability to cope all has to do with chemicals. I don't completely buy that, but it's worth a shot.
I've really been missing him and our friendship as it used to be. I feel like it's just not the same. This goes in waves, though. This is why I think I may just be extra emotional lately.
But I know that things are, in fact, different. I miss my best friend. Though I know it would have been harder on me in the end had I not brought the subject up, I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, at the right time.
I almost want to call him and tell him that all I want is for our friendship to be the same as it was, but I'm afraid he won't even know what the difference is, and that will hurt me more.
I want to ask him to visit more, to keep me company like he used to. This, I figure, is fair, as I see my other close friends at least once a week. I haven't seen him in three.
But again, I'm afraid it will all be taken the wrong way. I'm not denying that, obviously, there are still feelings there, but it's the truth that my aim is not to change his mind.
On the other hand, I don't know whether having him around more often will help me. Maybe what I need is distance. But how do you keep your distance while maintaining a friendship? I couldn't do it with my ex, so how could I do it now, with someone who has been even more of a friend to me to start?
And then there's the job. I want so much to do well in that. I don't want to screw up. And yet there are these little details that escape my attention. I don't want to seem incomptent, but I'm also so tired.
And then there's the music. I'm not spending nearly enough time on that as I should. It's just one thing after another. I'm very tired.
Sleep, yes, sleep. That's what I'll do for now.
Perhaps more sleep will help, healthier eating. It's all chemicals, right? There are triggers, certainly, but the ability to cope all has to do with chemicals. I don't completely buy that, but it's worth a shot.
I've really been missing him and our friendship as it used to be. I feel like it's just not the same. This goes in waves, though. This is why I think I may just be extra emotional lately.
But I know that things are, in fact, different. I miss my best friend. Though I know it would have been harder on me in the end had I not brought the subject up, I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, at the right time.
I almost want to call him and tell him that all I want is for our friendship to be the same as it was, but I'm afraid he won't even know what the difference is, and that will hurt me more.
I want to ask him to visit more, to keep me company like he used to. This, I figure, is fair, as I see my other close friends at least once a week. I haven't seen him in three.
But again, I'm afraid it will all be taken the wrong way. I'm not denying that, obviously, there are still feelings there, but it's the truth that my aim is not to change his mind.
On the other hand, I don't know whether having him around more often will help me. Maybe what I need is distance. But how do you keep your distance while maintaining a friendship? I couldn't do it with my ex, so how could I do it now, with someone who has been even more of a friend to me to start?
And then there's the job. I want so much to do well in that. I don't want to screw up. And yet there are these little details that escape my attention. I don't want to seem incomptent, but I'm also so tired.
And then there's the music. I'm not spending nearly enough time on that as I should. It's just one thing after another. I'm very tired.
Sleep, yes, sleep. That's what I'll do for now.
Monday, October 03, 2005
ups and downs
The day after my birthday, I felt really low.
My friends left and suddenly, the loneliness hit. He was there. He gave me a present "with love".
Why the hell would he write that? Why now? Because now he feels comfortable?...no risk of my thinking it means more than friendship? Or is he trying to tell me something, something of the blanks that needed to be filled, something about why none of this makes sense?
The good news is that we're still really good friends. My telling him didn't ruin our friendship. I'm sooo happy about that.
But sometimes, it just all becomes too much. The window's slowly sliding down. I don't know whether I should let it down slowly or just go right ahead and slam it shut.
I really shouldn't even be wondering about any of this. He gave me the answer...not a good idea, remember? So why should I keep hoping and wondering whether my closing the door completely will end up being a mistake. It's really no longer my responsibility. It will not even be my fault.
But saying "with love" really irks me. Never before has he said anything like that, so why the hell now? It angered me, as sweet as it was. Who ever thought "love" could make you sad or angry?
God, my writing sucks lately. Partly, there hasn't been as much inspiration and I always feel like I haven't got much time to blog...so much to do.
There are times when all I want to do is call him. I miss the way we were so much. The way we used to laugh all the time! Now, there's enough to talk about, but it never feels as light-hearted as it used to.
You know what I wish?...I wish he'd change his mind. I wish he meant what he wrote in a whole other sense. I hope that he thinks of me often and that at least sometimes, he thinks about how good it might be. Because I do and I remember how good it felt when he held me to comfort me, or when he caught me while play-fighting.
But this is all getting so old. I half-wish I could just shake it off and find someone new.
My friends left and suddenly, the loneliness hit. He was there. He gave me a present "with love".
Why the hell would he write that? Why now? Because now he feels comfortable?...no risk of my thinking it means more than friendship? Or is he trying to tell me something, something of the blanks that needed to be filled, something about why none of this makes sense?
The good news is that we're still really good friends. My telling him didn't ruin our friendship. I'm sooo happy about that.
But sometimes, it just all becomes too much. The window's slowly sliding down. I don't know whether I should let it down slowly or just go right ahead and slam it shut.
I really shouldn't even be wondering about any of this. He gave me the answer...not a good idea, remember? So why should I keep hoping and wondering whether my closing the door completely will end up being a mistake. It's really no longer my responsibility. It will not even be my fault.
But saying "with love" really irks me. Never before has he said anything like that, so why the hell now? It angered me, as sweet as it was. Who ever thought "love" could make you sad or angry?
God, my writing sucks lately. Partly, there hasn't been as much inspiration and I always feel like I haven't got much time to blog...so much to do.
There are times when all I want to do is call him. I miss the way we were so much. The way we used to laugh all the time! Now, there's enough to talk about, but it never feels as light-hearted as it used to.
You know what I wish?...I wish he'd change his mind. I wish he meant what he wrote in a whole other sense. I hope that he thinks of me often and that at least sometimes, he thinks about how good it might be. Because I do and I remember how good it felt when he held me to comfort me, or when he caught me while play-fighting.
But this is all getting so old. I half-wish I could just shake it off and find someone new.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
the road to being happy
I realize that I'm enjoying doing things by myself. I say over and over again that I don't want my happiness to be completed by someone else.
I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish, unfettered by pressures to do something for someone else.
Overall, I am pretty happy. It's really hard, though, not having someone close to share it with. I remember that I felt like this just before I met and eventually fell for my first love.
I'm beginning to think that happiness can't be separated from people. I wouldn't be happy if my friends weren't around, my family.
So basically, I'm wondering how realistic it is to think that I can be completely happy without someone who really knows me; without someone who can share intimately in the ups and downs on the road to happiness.
In the meantime, I'll just have to closely approximate that, I suppose.
I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish, unfettered by pressures to do something for someone else.
Overall, I am pretty happy. It's really hard, though, not having someone close to share it with. I remember that I felt like this just before I met and eventually fell for my first love.
I'm beginning to think that happiness can't be separated from people. I wouldn't be happy if my friends weren't around, my family.
So basically, I'm wondering how realistic it is to think that I can be completely happy without someone who really knows me; without someone who can share intimately in the ups and downs on the road to happiness.
In the meantime, I'll just have to closely approximate that, I suppose.
Friday, August 05, 2005
starting a new life
Got back recently from a trip to the U.S. of A. Had an awesome time.
I haven't been writing much lately coz I've started a new job and moved to my own apartment in the city. God, I love the city.
I'm finding that I haven't been thinking about him much at all, though occasionally, I do miss him. He's away too, for now.
I was sitting at lunch today, looking at the sky and thinking that I wanted most of all to be happy by myself, even before having him in my life. Perhaps this is all for the best, because that was my first priority anyway. :)
Hope I haven't lost all my readers. I didn't realize that it's been almost a month since I've last posted.
K, where are you? I clicked on your link, but it's been deactivated somehow. I sure hope you haven't stopped blogging. I loved reading your site.
I haven't been writing much lately coz I've started a new job and moved to my own apartment in the city. God, I love the city.
I'm finding that I haven't been thinking about him much at all, though occasionally, I do miss him. He's away too, for now.
I was sitting at lunch today, looking at the sky and thinking that I wanted most of all to be happy by myself, even before having him in my life. Perhaps this is all for the best, because that was my first priority anyway. :)
Hope I haven't lost all my readers. I didn't realize that it's been almost a month since I've last posted.
K, where are you? I clicked on your link, but it's been deactivated somehow. I sure hope you haven't stopped blogging. I loved reading your site.
Monday, July 11, 2005
something different
I spoke to him for a bit today.
I had this suspicion that he went to this battle and didn't call me. I was going to call him, but I thought, I really need to stay home, organize, do laundry. Really, I would only go to see him. So...forget it. Turns out he did go and he asked me today if I went.
Weird. Because he usually calls to see if I'm going. Or, I'd call to see whether he's going. None of that happened.
Last week too, we pretended not to see each other at the library. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I know I saw him.
Damn it. We have to get past this. I really hope it's a phase because it really saddens me. Really, really, saddens me.
I had this suspicion that he went to this battle and didn't call me. I was going to call him, but I thought, I really need to stay home, organize, do laundry. Really, I would only go to see him. So...forget it. Turns out he did go and he asked me today if I went.
Weird. Because he usually calls to see if I'm going. Or, I'd call to see whether he's going. None of that happened.
Last week too, we pretended not to see each other at the library. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I know I saw him.
Damn it. We have to get past this. I really hope it's a phase because it really saddens me. Really, really, saddens me.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
A MESSAGE
(Coldplay)
my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes up
you don't have to be alone
your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it's so hard to see clearly
you don't have to be on your own
you don't have to be on your own
and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i get that message home
my song is love
my song is love unknown
and i'm on fire for you clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be on your own
and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i'm nothing on my own
got to get that message home
and i'm not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it until it's much too late
on a platform i'm gonna stand and say
that i'm nothing on my own [well, i know i'm somethin']
and i love you, please come home
my song is love, is love unknown
and i've got to get that message home
I love you, don't you see. Not in a consuming kind of way in which I lose myself and what I'm about, but just plain love. I don't want you to feel the same way about me as you did about her. I should be loved differently. I like you with all your indecision, with all your issues, with all your fears, and with that stubborn door to your heart. I want to dance this awkward dance. I want to teach you how to move me until you're not afraid to lead. (Don't you know you already know how to move me?) I just want to see what the music does to us.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
distance
Today, when I woke up, I immediately thought, "I miss him."
Strange, because he hasn't gone anywhere. He's a phone call away. Less than a half hour ago, my cell rang, but I didn't pick up in time. I Googled the number and I found out that it came from a payphone right next to where he works. I thought the number looked familiar. The call came in just after he would normally finish work.
I wish I hadn't missed the call. I wish he had left a message. I know it's him. He has done this before and none of my friends are around there.
But what did I think would happen? Nothing. Though part of me is wishing that he called to chat. That he has thought things through and has changed his mind.
Funny how not thinking about someone all the time makes them seem distant. But I guess we both thought of each other today.
Strange, because he hasn't gone anywhere. He's a phone call away. Less than a half hour ago, my cell rang, but I didn't pick up in time. I Googled the number and I found out that it came from a payphone right next to where he works. I thought the number looked familiar. The call came in just after he would normally finish work.
I wish I hadn't missed the call. I wish he had left a message. I know it's him. He has done this before and none of my friends are around there.
But what did I think would happen? Nothing. Though part of me is wishing that he called to chat. That he has thought things through and has changed his mind.
Funny how not thinking about someone all the time makes them seem distant. But I guess we both thought of each other today.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
i wonder
I wrote this in response to a comment on my previous post: Why do some people want to hold on to something that has hurt them before?
He was hurt by X. So hurt, that even now, four years later, he still had to compare what he feels about me to how he felt about her, which led him to decide that it's not a good idea.
It's as though he heard something he didn't like in what I said about relationships and it stuck there. He has mentioned to me several times that she really messed him up. His view of dating relationships as finite (and in fact with the last two that he's been interested in, he figured things wouldn't last), before giving them a chance, tells me that he's scared.
So it seems that when he heard me say that I want someone who's not going to think "this is gonna end" he translated it to "she wants something that's going to last forever with me". Who wouldn't want to find something that lasts? But no one thinks right away that this is what's in front of them.
Sometimes I wonder whether he's convincing himself that I have high expectations so that he won't have to get involved and potentially hurt himself. He has expressed that he's not ready to get his heart broken.
But why, why hang on?
I certainly don't feel about him the way I felt about my ex. Why does he need to compare? Different people = different situations = different feelings. At least that's the way I see it.
The upside to this whole thing is that I'm sleeping more soundly. So soundly that I have lots of trouble getting up. I concentrate more on books I'm reading because thoughts of what I should do about him don't tease my brain away from the words.
I was riding in the car with my brother from the station today and he joked that I'm pining over...well, let's call him B. He has no idea what I've done. He didn't think I would deal well with rejection, so he didn't think I should ask him out. The truth is, I wasn't pining at all. I was thinking about the situation, but I was feeling calm, taking in the impossible brilliance and softness of the sunlit clouds, while feeling the undercurrent of the absence of anticipation.
I do miss the tension of the unknown with regard to B. I miss the mutual feeling.
Because despite what he said, I know what I know. I know that we both felt something at the same time for quite some time. I have to trust that I'm a smart woman. It takes me a while to believe it when a connection occurs. I put my emotions through a rigorous test to weed out falsity. But time has had its way.
I knew when he left for a year that I might never get my chance. I thought that if I got to him now, while we're both single, I could beat time as it races to fill empty spaces.
More and more, I'm learning how tricky time is. It'll have its way. When you think you're ahead, it's simply because you didn't see it pass. Or maybe you took the wrong route after all. Or maybe I just had a false start.
He was hurt by X. So hurt, that even now, four years later, he still had to compare what he feels about me to how he felt about her, which led him to decide that it's not a good idea.
It's as though he heard something he didn't like in what I said about relationships and it stuck there. He has mentioned to me several times that she really messed him up. His view of dating relationships as finite (and in fact with the last two that he's been interested in, he figured things wouldn't last), before giving them a chance, tells me that he's scared.
So it seems that when he heard me say that I want someone who's not going to think "this is gonna end" he translated it to "she wants something that's going to last forever with me". Who wouldn't want to find something that lasts? But no one thinks right away that this is what's in front of them.
Sometimes I wonder whether he's convincing himself that I have high expectations so that he won't have to get involved and potentially hurt himself. He has expressed that he's not ready to get his heart broken.
But why, why hang on?
I certainly don't feel about him the way I felt about my ex. Why does he need to compare? Different people = different situations = different feelings. At least that's the way I see it.
The upside to this whole thing is that I'm sleeping more soundly. So soundly that I have lots of trouble getting up. I concentrate more on books I'm reading because thoughts of what I should do about him don't tease my brain away from the words.
I was riding in the car with my brother from the station today and he joked that I'm pining over...well, let's call him B. He has no idea what I've done. He didn't think I would deal well with rejection, so he didn't think I should ask him out. The truth is, I wasn't pining at all. I was thinking about the situation, but I was feeling calm, taking in the impossible brilliance and softness of the sunlit clouds, while feeling the undercurrent of the absence of anticipation.
I do miss the tension of the unknown with regard to B. I miss the mutual feeling.
Because despite what he said, I know what I know. I know that we both felt something at the same time for quite some time. I have to trust that I'm a smart woman. It takes me a while to believe it when a connection occurs. I put my emotions through a rigorous test to weed out falsity. But time has had its way.
I knew when he left for a year that I might never get my chance. I thought that if I got to him now, while we're both single, I could beat time as it races to fill empty spaces.
More and more, I'm learning how tricky time is. It'll have its way. When you think you're ahead, it's simply because you didn't see it pass. Or maybe you took the wrong route after all. Or maybe I just had a false start.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
the long-awaited update
The response went like this:
'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.
Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.
You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'
He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.
That was the heart-cracking response.
Wow, how to explain how I feel...
Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.
Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.
I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.
The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.
I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!
I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.
I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.
That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.
reminiscing
"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."
I had written that back in March 2004.
The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.
Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.
Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.
At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.
For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.
'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.
Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.
You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'
He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.
That was the heart-cracking response.
Wow, how to explain how I feel...
Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.
Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.
I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.
The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.
I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!
I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.
I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.
That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.
reminiscing
"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."
I had written that back in March 2004.
The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.
Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.
Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.
At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.
For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
well now i've done it!
...in writing.
I couldn't do it in person, absolutely couldn't!! We're writing people anyway, so I thought it would be ok.
Now I must check e-mail in case he has written something to me. I had asked that he e-mail just so I know it has been read.
I'm scared.
But I don't regret anything. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having done what I never thought I would do. This comes at a really good time in my life. I've been so happy lately because of a new job that will soon make my living conditions so much more suitable to my lifestyle.
I figured that if I were ever gonna do this, now's the time. I'm not going to him with a need for anything. I'm going to have work to keep me busy...fulfilling work. I just hope he's in a good place too.
I'm so nervous. He's my best friend. I'm so scared that now I've gone and ruined everything. The night before the hand-off, I cried because I missed what would now be changed forever.
I'm so incredibly scared that he won't be in my life anymore. There were two things that it came down to:
1) I really wanted to go through with it, not because I wanted to be with him (because, of course, this isn't guaranteed), but because I just wanted him to know. It's good to know, I figure, that someone cares about you so much. He should know that. I have no expectations, whatsoever. I just want him to know.
2) No matter what, it's of the utmost importance that we remain friends.
All this then led me to wonder how much I actually want a relationship with him. I mean, if friendship is the bottom line that I want for all time, why do this? ...Because I do want more, but perhaps the truth is, I care about him so unconditionally, that this is no longer the focus of this whole thing.
I find that I can't even hope for something that has to do with him just as much as it has to do with me. What I mean is, I don't want something that he doesn't want.
Especially after my last relationship, I want someone who wants me equally. I can no longer yearn for something just for me when it comes to this. He has to meet me half way.
I'm now going to check my e-mail. I'm scared silly. He's precious to me. I need him in my life because taking him away will leave a gap. It's a need that's not essential to my being, but it's there anyway. Needs can be replaced by other needs, kind of like how when your hungry, water will make you full for a while. If I can't get food from one place, I'll get it from another. I know this is true. But I want him to fulfill it---that need for a companion who knows me better than anyone else---proof in another that I exist in a very particular way.
All in all, I'm glad that I decided something and acted on it. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't just been handed to me as an opportunity to simply say 'yes' to, if I wanted. Instead, I'm handing him the opportunity, creating it, really. And that's quite fulfilling.
I find that I do feel stronger, and that, I'll never regret.
I couldn't do it in person, absolutely couldn't!! We're writing people anyway, so I thought it would be ok.
Now I must check e-mail in case he has written something to me. I had asked that he e-mail just so I know it has been read.
I'm scared.
But I don't regret anything. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having done what I never thought I would do. This comes at a really good time in my life. I've been so happy lately because of a new job that will soon make my living conditions so much more suitable to my lifestyle.
I figured that if I were ever gonna do this, now's the time. I'm not going to him with a need for anything. I'm going to have work to keep me busy...fulfilling work. I just hope he's in a good place too.
I'm so nervous. He's my best friend. I'm so scared that now I've gone and ruined everything. The night before the hand-off, I cried because I missed what would now be changed forever.
I'm so incredibly scared that he won't be in my life anymore. There were two things that it came down to:
1) I really wanted to go through with it, not because I wanted to be with him (because, of course, this isn't guaranteed), but because I just wanted him to know. It's good to know, I figure, that someone cares about you so much. He should know that. I have no expectations, whatsoever. I just want him to know.
2) No matter what, it's of the utmost importance that we remain friends.
All this then led me to wonder how much I actually want a relationship with him. I mean, if friendship is the bottom line that I want for all time, why do this? ...Because I do want more, but perhaps the truth is, I care about him so unconditionally, that this is no longer the focus of this whole thing.
I find that I can't even hope for something that has to do with him just as much as it has to do with me. What I mean is, I don't want something that he doesn't want.
Especially after my last relationship, I want someone who wants me equally. I can no longer yearn for something just for me when it comes to this. He has to meet me half way.
I'm now going to check my e-mail. I'm scared silly. He's precious to me. I need him in my life because taking him away will leave a gap. It's a need that's not essential to my being, but it's there anyway. Needs can be replaced by other needs, kind of like how when your hungry, water will make you full for a while. If I can't get food from one place, I'll get it from another. I know this is true. But I want him to fulfill it---that need for a companion who knows me better than anyone else---proof in another that I exist in a very particular way.
All in all, I'm glad that I decided something and acted on it. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't just been handed to me as an opportunity to simply say 'yes' to, if I wanted. Instead, I'm handing him the opportunity, creating it, really. And that's quite fulfilling.
I find that I do feel stronger, and that, I'll never regret.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
return
Eep! The Ex, let's call him "X", is back for a month-long visit. He seems upset that I hadn't returned any of his e-mails. He pointed out it's been 2 years, with a hint of the implication that I should be over it and be friends already. Fuck. That made me angry. I'm sorry, but friendship after a break-up can't be pushed! He had been calling all the shots..."I'll come back after a year", "I want to keep travelling", "I still really care about you", "I want to be friends". Yeah. All you. It hurt that he really didn't get what his leaving did to me. To expect me to just be friends already seems to me such a haughty, presumptuous demand!
I had explained my need for space for an undetermined amount of time. I told him that maybe I'm one of those people who just can't be friends. I'm not sure. I hate that it makes me upset. He even said, "Well, I'm trying to be friends, it's up to you." So apparently, it'll be my fault if we're no longer friends. Great. He can't be blamed for anything. Oh, but wait, um, I'm sorry, you didn't reciprocate my efforts to communicate in order to remain together despite the distance. Technically, you did nothing wrong, merely pursuing your dreams. I can't blame you for that. I don't think I would do it either. But don't push the friendship agenda on me. That's not what I wanted, so don't make me take it. I want to ... someday, but not with it shoved in my face like this. You can't call all the shots---"I've got to go, sorry", "I'm gonna be your friend now". Oh man, it pisses me off!
Why does it upset me like this? I hate that. I want it to just slide over me.
But it upsets me because I cannot believe he has the nerve to be upset over it...to expect friendship. It shows me how much he doesn't understand my side of it at all. I know that his response to the break-up was different. In my experience, guys seem to be able to heal pretty quickly. Or, the more objective statement, is that guys deal with it differently. But at the very least, respect what I decide to do and don't get upset by it.
As one of my best friends wondered, why the hell does he feel the need to be friends with me anyway? What's the point? Let it go. I know that cutting a person off hurts, but break-ups hurt. I find myself half smirking because I'm glad I'm hurting him by not sharing my life, but the other half, it may actually be more than half, feels truly bad that I'm hurting him by not being his friend.
For some reason, his not understanding me with regard to this hurts me. I believe it's because my life had, to a great extent, included him in every aspect. HIM! A guy who couldn't really understand my emotions---who can't, even past the end. He got me in a lot of ways, but not the heart of me. And it saddens me, because I gave a lot of myself and I can't get his acceptance of how I need to deal with this, at the very least.
Then there's the other one. I called him twice. He may not have gotten the message the second time because I gave his mom the impression I would call him. But the first time, I said, "Give me a call if you get a chance." He e-mailed instead, after I e-mailed a little message. That's supposed to replace a return call?
Who the hell am I kidding, he doesn't care either. What's that book called? "He's just not that into you"? Maybe it's time I face facts and forget it altogher.
I had explained my need for space for an undetermined amount of time. I told him that maybe I'm one of those people who just can't be friends. I'm not sure. I hate that it makes me upset. He even said, "Well, I'm trying to be friends, it's up to you." So apparently, it'll be my fault if we're no longer friends. Great. He can't be blamed for anything. Oh, but wait, um, I'm sorry, you didn't reciprocate my efforts to communicate in order to remain together despite the distance. Technically, you did nothing wrong, merely pursuing your dreams. I can't blame you for that. I don't think I would do it either. But don't push the friendship agenda on me. That's not what I wanted, so don't make me take it. I want to ... someday, but not with it shoved in my face like this. You can't call all the shots---"I've got to go, sorry", "I'm gonna be your friend now". Oh man, it pisses me off!
Why does it upset me like this? I hate that. I want it to just slide over me.
But it upsets me because I cannot believe he has the nerve to be upset over it...to expect friendship. It shows me how much he doesn't understand my side of it at all. I know that his response to the break-up was different. In my experience, guys seem to be able to heal pretty quickly. Or, the more objective statement, is that guys deal with it differently. But at the very least, respect what I decide to do and don't get upset by it.
As one of my best friends wondered, why the hell does he feel the need to be friends with me anyway? What's the point? Let it go. I know that cutting a person off hurts, but break-ups hurt. I find myself half smirking because I'm glad I'm hurting him by not sharing my life, but the other half, it may actually be more than half, feels truly bad that I'm hurting him by not being his friend.
For some reason, his not understanding me with regard to this hurts me. I believe it's because my life had, to a great extent, included him in every aspect. HIM! A guy who couldn't really understand my emotions---who can't, even past the end. He got me in a lot of ways, but not the heart of me. And it saddens me, because I gave a lot of myself and I can't get his acceptance of how I need to deal with this, at the very least.
Then there's the other one. I called him twice. He may not have gotten the message the second time because I gave his mom the impression I would call him. But the first time, I said, "Give me a call if you get a chance." He e-mailed instead, after I e-mailed a little message. That's supposed to replace a return call?
Who the hell am I kidding, he doesn't care either. What's that book called? "He's just not that into you"? Maybe it's time I face facts and forget it altogher.
Monday, May 30, 2005
we had a magical time
...except that one of my best friends was with us and at times I felt like they had more of a connection than we two had that day. You know how there are little touches here and there, like how you say something while lightly touching the other's elbow? Well, that's what was happening, but not with me. Man, was I ever jealous about the elbow thing.
I was feeling myself withdraw as we sat for pints, but luckily, I was having such a good time overall that the feeling didn't take over. Later in the night, I was teaching him a dance and I loved the way he held me, the way he was looking at me. At times, across the table, I'd catch his eye.
I still have no idea. I am no doubt frustrating my readers. I'm sorry.
At the end of the night, I definitely felt like we were getting closer, after we were left alone. It was a creeping in of warmth, so subtle that I almost doubt it. Unfortunately, I had to leave so suddenly coz I had to be picked up from the subway. I can't help but wonder what would've happened. I can't help but ask why God let it happen that way.
It's so weird how I felt strange writing "God" just then. I felt like I'd alienate people who read this somehow. But that's what I thought. I guess, deep down, I still believe that there's a purpose for everything...God, destiny, a grand order.
I really want him in my life. Is it that something continues to stop us because there's still a bit of hesitation? Lately, it's been feeling like we're getting closer to something. I really, really hope that this works out. Please, oh please.
I was feeling myself withdraw as we sat for pints, but luckily, I was having such a good time overall that the feeling didn't take over. Later in the night, I was teaching him a dance and I loved the way he held me, the way he was looking at me. At times, across the table, I'd catch his eye.
I still have no idea. I am no doubt frustrating my readers. I'm sorry.
At the end of the night, I definitely felt like we were getting closer, after we were left alone. It was a creeping in of warmth, so subtle that I almost doubt it. Unfortunately, I had to leave so suddenly coz I had to be picked up from the subway. I can't help but wonder what would've happened. I can't help but ask why God let it happen that way.
It's so weird how I felt strange writing "God" just then. I felt like I'd alienate people who read this somehow. But that's what I thought. I guess, deep down, I still believe that there's a purpose for everything...God, destiny, a grand order.
I really want him in my life. Is it that something continues to stop us because there's still a bit of hesitation? Lately, it's been feeling like we're getting closer to something. I really, really hope that this works out. Please, oh please.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
collide
We went out a few nights ago. I kept searching and searching for signs. I can't believe how dejected I felt when he mentioned this girl friend of his that I believe he became close to while he was away. I had to fight hard to shake it off. After all, he has liked me all this time, she's just a friend. But I'm so insecure about this whole thing. It's stupid. I can have guy friends. He can have girl friends. It's just that he's not with me right now. Not yet sure whether he ever will be.
I successfully shook it off though, and I was fine after the show.
We had a wonderful time at the pub. Recalling the night with a friend, I realized how great it really was. We talked about those strange things that people on dates talk about...obscure observations that we share a mutual understanding about. You know, those things that you say because you know it triggers something in the other; because you know it attracts them. Except that I didn't know I was doing it until after replaying it in my head the night after. I also barely noticed he was doing it until the replay.
If it were a real date, it was a damn good one, ensuring a next. But we were just hanging out as friends. And a next time is assured.
At the start of the evening, as we ate, I was looking at his face thinking, "This guy? Seriously? What do you see in him? Can you really see yourself with him?" The thing is, it doesn't matter what my answers are to these questions. I was just seeing him there, in front of me. I didn't need to answer them, in fact, I forgot the questions in very little time. I just know how I feel. Period. The end.
Incidentally, I found myself looking at his lips, wondering how kissing them would work. It's been ages since I've kissed someone.
I successfully shook it off though, and I was fine after the show.
We had a wonderful time at the pub. Recalling the night with a friend, I realized how great it really was. We talked about those strange things that people on dates talk about...obscure observations that we share a mutual understanding about. You know, those things that you say because you know it triggers something in the other; because you know it attracts them. Except that I didn't know I was doing it until after replaying it in my head the night after. I also barely noticed he was doing it until the replay.
If it were a real date, it was a damn good one, ensuring a next. But we were just hanging out as friends. And a next time is assured.
At the start of the evening, as we ate, I was looking at his face thinking, "This guy? Seriously? What do you see in him? Can you really see yourself with him?" The thing is, it doesn't matter what my answers are to these questions. I was just seeing him there, in front of me. I didn't need to answer them, in fact, I forgot the questions in very little time. I just know how I feel. Period. The end.
Incidentally, I found myself looking at his lips, wondering how kissing them would work. It's been ages since I've kissed someone.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
update?
I haven't told him yet. Haven't changed my mind though.
Like I've mentioned, I've got a specific plan for the whole thing. Of course, I know the plan may not really work out. If I happen to spit the words out before I thought I would, I'm good with that too.
This week has been great though. You know how sometimes you have those convesations that are familiar, but just a tad hesitant? That's what it was like. Interesting and slightly sweet. He called so many times, unexpectedly this week, with invitations to go out, too. Things are looking good.
I could be writing the opposite in a week, but for now, man, is it awesome!! I sure hope things remain this way. I've gotten quite giddy on occasion. I'm enjoying it immensely while it lasts.
Like I've mentioned, I've got a specific plan for the whole thing. Of course, I know the plan may not really work out. If I happen to spit the words out before I thought I would, I'm good with that too.
This week has been great though. You know how sometimes you have those convesations that are familiar, but just a tad hesitant? That's what it was like. Interesting and slightly sweet. He called so many times, unexpectedly this week, with invitations to go out, too. Things are looking good.
I could be writing the opposite in a week, but for now, man, is it awesome!! I sure hope things remain this way. I've gotten quite giddy on occasion. I'm enjoying it immensely while it lasts.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
i can't believe i still haven't changed my mind
I'm gonna do it...gonna tell him.
We were hanging out a few days ago. There he was, cute as always. Laughing his head off over words. It was great! And I kept thinking, "I'm crossing that line. He has no idea. This could all end. And he has no idea what's coming."
And it seems almost impossible that he will reciprocate. I haven't seen any indication of it lately.
Since making the decision, though, I haven't worried about it as much. It's nice having control of something. Knowing something is coming is better than wondering what life will bring.
I still think about whether I should change my mind, though. Look at all that will change! Could be for something even better. But it could also not be. It could be weird. It may never be the same.
We sat there, free of tension. It was simply nice. And I wondered whether he was thinking of me at all in that way as he spoke. I wondered, when we alluded to the night he told a friend how he feels about me, whether he recalled their conversation in a flash, just as it flashed in my head. It was funny. We were talking about this guy and whether or not he was in this commercial. He didn't believe he was but I said that he actually admitted it. He didn't hear this because he was out talking to our friend while I was talking to the guy. Just as he told me he didn't know about the admission, I realized why and we both looked down at the menus.
I also sent him an e-mail with something funny, but sexual in it. I do this with my friends all the time, but have been careful not to do this to him. I think I may have scared him...no clever quip returned.
Oh man, the things coming to him, and he has no idea. I sure hope I'm not making a mistake. I wish I could read his actions more, but I know I can't really know what he's thinking. We've been steering clear of this topic for 3 years almost, I'm sure we've become good at not being obvious.
Here's hoping that I don't turn back. So far, I haven't changed my mind and it's almost 2 wks since I've made the decision. I haven't acted because there's a rather specific timing involved.
We were hanging out a few days ago. There he was, cute as always. Laughing his head off over words. It was great! And I kept thinking, "I'm crossing that line. He has no idea. This could all end. And he has no idea what's coming."
And it seems almost impossible that he will reciprocate. I haven't seen any indication of it lately.
Since making the decision, though, I haven't worried about it as much. It's nice having control of something. Knowing something is coming is better than wondering what life will bring.
I still think about whether I should change my mind, though. Look at all that will change! Could be for something even better. But it could also not be. It could be weird. It may never be the same.
We sat there, free of tension. It was simply nice. And I wondered whether he was thinking of me at all in that way as he spoke. I wondered, when we alluded to the night he told a friend how he feels about me, whether he recalled their conversation in a flash, just as it flashed in my head. It was funny. We were talking about this guy and whether or not he was in this commercial. He didn't believe he was but I said that he actually admitted it. He didn't hear this because he was out talking to our friend while I was talking to the guy. Just as he told me he didn't know about the admission, I realized why and we both looked down at the menus.
I also sent him an e-mail with something funny, but sexual in it. I do this with my friends all the time, but have been careful not to do this to him. I think I may have scared him...no clever quip returned.
Oh man, the things coming to him, and he has no idea. I sure hope I'm not making a mistake. I wish I could read his actions more, but I know I can't really know what he's thinking. We've been steering clear of this topic for 3 years almost, I'm sure we've become good at not being obvious.
Here's hoping that I don't turn back. So far, I haven't changed my mind and it's almost 2 wks since I've made the decision. I haven't acted because there's a rather specific timing involved.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
a rainy morning..well, afternoon now
sitting in my room. listen to harry connick jr.'s "come by me" cd. haven't listened to that guy in a while.
such the drama with my mom this morning. she's stressing herself out and i got frustrated. my tone went up. shouldn't do that. she's the sweetest thing ever. all's good now. i apologized and explained my frustration.
hmm...mr. connick's putting me in a calmer mood. reminds me of calmer days of day-dreaming.
strange that i should be quite content today, a rainy day. normally, i'd feel all depressed. nice.
such the drama with my mom this morning. she's stressing herself out and i got frustrated. my tone went up. shouldn't do that. she's the sweetest thing ever. all's good now. i apologized and explained my frustration.
hmm...mr. connick's putting me in a calmer mood. reminds me of calmer days of day-dreaming.
strange that i should be quite content today, a rainy day. normally, i'd feel all depressed. nice.
something strange
Monday, April 18, 2005
make a choice
sometimes i feel like i'm getting really close to deciding to tell him. today, i felt myself getting nervous in anticipation of the next time i see him. will i tell him? i wish i knew. i can decide to then change my mind at the last second.
i just don't want life to pass me by, without my having any say in it.
i just don't want life to pass me by, without my having any say in it.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
this is really pathetic
ok. this is really pissing me off now. just when i vow to just keep going, to look on the bright side of things; just when i'm feeling pretty good, he has to go and seem like he cares, and then just when excitement creeps up, he says something that makes me go, "what the hell? so, it's like you care and then now you're all nonchalant."
like fuck, seriously, if you're gonna care, care. follow through, damn it! i care sooo much and you say you do too. and then, due to some strange train of thought, no doubt, it's like you've gotten scared again, or uncertain. fuck!
i want so much to just be able to let this go. i don't know how. maybe i'll get so fed up (and more frequently, i feel this way) and i'll drop it. and say 'fuck you' to all your pseudo-caring.
it's just so hard to shake off! i want this to stop. the feelings, i mean. i don't want to care so much. why do i?
i no longer understand why it's not simple. people like each other and go out. why is it easier to go out with someone you don't even like and may not even be all too interested in? i just don't get it!! it doesn't make sense AT ALL!! you see someone in some random place, he gives you his no., you give him yours, you call and off you go in a date. with someone you don't even like. then the one guy that you deeply care about and who really cares about you can't be the same person you go out with. NO SENSE!!
but i can't shake it because i feel like i haven't done much either, not having initiated THE conversation. but why me? why me when he supposedly isn't sure. will our talking clarify my doubts and his doubts. there will always be doubt. why does this doubt have to take over in this case?
like fuck, seriously, if you're gonna care, care. follow through, damn it! i care sooo much and you say you do too. and then, due to some strange train of thought, no doubt, it's like you've gotten scared again, or uncertain. fuck!
i want so much to just be able to let this go. i don't know how. maybe i'll get so fed up (and more frequently, i feel this way) and i'll drop it. and say 'fuck you' to all your pseudo-caring.
it's just so hard to shake off! i want this to stop. the feelings, i mean. i don't want to care so much. why do i?
i no longer understand why it's not simple. people like each other and go out. why is it easier to go out with someone you don't even like and may not even be all too interested in? i just don't get it!! it doesn't make sense AT ALL!! you see someone in some random place, he gives you his no., you give him yours, you call and off you go in a date. with someone you don't even like. then the one guy that you deeply care about and who really cares about you can't be the same person you go out with. NO SENSE!!
but i can't shake it because i feel like i haven't done much either, not having initiated THE conversation. but why me? why me when he supposedly isn't sure. will our talking clarify my doubts and his doubts. there will always be doubt. why does this doubt have to take over in this case?
Monday, April 11, 2005
scared of not thinking
I've been so busy at work lately that I fortunately have not had much time to think. I know I posted not too long ago about thinking about things again, but I really don't do it much during the day.
As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.
And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.
Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.
I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.
But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.
I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.
I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.
Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.
And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?
As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.
And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.
Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.
I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.
But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.
I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.
I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.
Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.
And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?
Saturday, April 09, 2005
another side of me
I like taking pics. This is one of them. More and more I'm seeing amazing photoblogs. I just might create a new link in the sidebar for a few favorites. You can click to enlarge this one.
out again
Went out again last night. Out to a club. More and more I'm thinking I might drop the whole scene. I'm not a big clubber. I mean, I like to dance, but I don't go to pick up. But, my girlfriends really like to dance and they're so much fun to be with, that I don't mind going.
Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.
Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.
The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.
Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.
So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.
So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.
It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.
Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.
Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.
The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.
Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.
So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.
So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.
It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
checking in
sleepy. must sleep, but eyes attached to the net.
funny how spring brings a renewed hope. but then, a fear, too, in case the hope never materializes.
but my is it ever beautiful out. it's a strange phenomenon...the way light can make everything seem better, the way it can make your mind feel free. maybe it just illuminates everything and we become distracted.
how great and bright life can be.
well, this is a pretty haphazard post. but i just felt like posting without much to say.
oh where, oh where will life take me...
funny how spring brings a renewed hope. but then, a fear, too, in case the hope never materializes.
but my is it ever beautiful out. it's a strange phenomenon...the way light can make everything seem better, the way it can make your mind feel free. maybe it just illuminates everything and we become distracted.
how great and bright life can be.
well, this is a pretty haphazard post. but i just felt like posting without much to say.
oh where, oh where will life take me...
Monday, April 04, 2005
why, oh why, do i go to clubs?!
I've been going clubbing almost every weekend lately. It's been a lot of fun, going out with the girls, looking good (oh yeah, we know it!).
I don't go to pick up. I finally decided to try exchanging info with this one guy who didn't talk to me at all except for telling me that I'm really pretty (oh the flattery!). I was honest. I told him I would have to think about contacting him. He e-mailed and I realized I didn't want to go out with him. Or anybody for that matter.
My friends are scared that I'm stuck on the guy I keep going on and on about in this blog. Truth is, this is true. I always think that if someone comes along that makes me think about him a few times, I just might be lured away. You know, it's that whole idea that if I'm not getting what I need, eventually, I'll turn to someone else. I sure hope this is true.
Anyway, I have to say that I CANNOT stand it when guys think they can just grab your ass because you're at a club. Seriously people, wait until we at least make eye contact that seems to say, "come hither." It really, really angered me.
Not every guy is like this, of course. I've had guys just dance with me...no touching I didn't want. I liked that. One night though, holy shit, there was a hand sliding up my thigh 2 minutes into the club.
So why do I go? Who the hell knows. Well...the attention has to be part of it. It's an ego boost knowing I can turn heads, but then I think that for the most part, the guys that do notice just want a quick fix. This is the way it has seemed from my perspective. Sorry for the sweeping generalization. It's like they just want to stick things up things. Ugh!
This past weekend really made me irritated, though. I hate how those hoity-toity clubs aren't even tactful about letting in the people they obviously think belong to their "clientele". You know, you're standing in the supposed guest line and then you see 50 people chit chat with the bouncer and in they go! All this when the club's supposed to be at capacity. GRRRR....!
Really, though, I'm this close to never setting foot in those dressier clubs. Give me a place where I can wear sneaks!!
I don't go to pick up. I finally decided to try exchanging info with this one guy who didn't talk to me at all except for telling me that I'm really pretty (oh the flattery!). I was honest. I told him I would have to think about contacting him. He e-mailed and I realized I didn't want to go out with him. Or anybody for that matter.
My friends are scared that I'm stuck on the guy I keep going on and on about in this blog. Truth is, this is true. I always think that if someone comes along that makes me think about him a few times, I just might be lured away. You know, it's that whole idea that if I'm not getting what I need, eventually, I'll turn to someone else. I sure hope this is true.
Anyway, I have to say that I CANNOT stand it when guys think they can just grab your ass because you're at a club. Seriously people, wait until we at least make eye contact that seems to say, "come hither." It really, really angered me.
Not every guy is like this, of course. I've had guys just dance with me...no touching I didn't want. I liked that. One night though, holy shit, there was a hand sliding up my thigh 2 minutes into the club.
So why do I go? Who the hell knows. Well...the attention has to be part of it. It's an ego boost knowing I can turn heads, but then I think that for the most part, the guys that do notice just want a quick fix. This is the way it has seemed from my perspective. Sorry for the sweeping generalization. It's like they just want to stick things up things. Ugh!
This past weekend really made me irritated, though. I hate how those hoity-toity clubs aren't even tactful about letting in the people they obviously think belong to their "clientele". You know, you're standing in the supposed guest line and then you see 50 people chit chat with the bouncer and in they go! All this when the club's supposed to be at capacity. GRRRR....!
Really, though, I'm this close to never setting foot in those dressier clubs. Give me a place where I can wear sneaks!!
Sunday, March 27, 2005
happy easter
Though I now struggle to keep believing that there is a God who listens to me, that is out to make sure I'm ok, I have to admit that in church today, I was clinging to certain messages that things will all work out. When I was younger, I would pray and no longer worry about anything. I once declared to my mom that I am not worried about anything at all.
Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.
It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.
It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:
a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.
b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.
In reality, it's probably a mix of both.
But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?
I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.
Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.
It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.
It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:
a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.
b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.
In reality, it's probably a mix of both.
But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?
I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.
Monday, March 21, 2005
i feel as though i must apologize
...though it strikes me as somewhat odd. I didn't start this blog so that I could write for others, but I've appreciated the visits and the feedback that let me know I'm not alone.
I'm still sorting through a lot of things. Not everything is where I want it to be. But I'm having a great time with my girlfriends, and there are days when I feel closer to something wonderful. In those moments I glimpse the independent woman I know I will be. Independent enough to love without fear of losing, independent enough to risk with hope.
I'm still sorting through a lot of things. Not everything is where I want it to be. But I'm having a great time with my girlfriends, and there are days when I feel closer to something wonderful. In those moments I glimpse the independent woman I know I will be. Independent enough to love without fear of losing, independent enough to risk with hope.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
nothing much new
Everytime I decide to write here, it's because I'm feeling really strongly about the topic that always comes up here...my love life. I feel badly about this because readers get a really one-sided view. I sound like a broken reacord. Basically, this blog is like the conversations I have with my friends minus the info about all the other stuff in my life. Yes, I do have other thoughts, but I did get this blog listed under the Dating and Relationships section of the Blogscanada directory, so at the very least, it fills that little niche.
I'm just getting over being sick. I know that in a way, I made myself sick. I mean, I milked it for all it was worth, including days off, because I needed a lot of thinking time. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of SAD. I really didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did get out of bed to ponder a lot.
I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and be really, really excited about going out into the world. So, I'm going to get really detailed and practical about what I want to change and how to get there---the career I want, the apartment (maybe condo?) that I want...
The only part I feel no control over is my love life. And I know that therapists, counsellors, etc. will say that this is something I have control over. But seriously, I was brought up in a very conservative household. I never adhered to conservative beliefs, but I find that habits with regard to saying how I feel in this department are very hard to overcome. Girls just don't tell boys how they feel. The man makes the first move. I don't actually believe in this. I greatly admire women who take charge in this department (and in many other areas of their lives) and go for what they want. I have asked for raises, negotiated hours, stood my ground when I haven't agreed with higher-ups, but I cannot, CANNOT tell him how much I feel about him. I don't understand it. I feel so caged in. It's insane. I just cannot face the possibility that despite how he feels about me, it's just not something he wants to pursue.
So, I either confront this or let it go. I'm discovering more and more that I can do neither. He's here. He's in my life. As soon as I decide not to do anything, he picks up the slack, as though reading my mind, as though knowing I want him to initiate phone calls, meetings, communications. How can I let go of someone who just seems to know? But best friends know. None of this means that his feelings for me are growing. It just means that he cares as a really, really good friend.
My reaction is to just try not to think about it. I'm hoping that my head will clear enough for me to know what to do if I just back off for a while. But like I said, it's as if he has read my mind. He's there as if on cue.
I'm trying to decide just to let it go. I feel as though, with time, I will become convinced of the futility of this wait. But I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get to this point, he'll come around and let go of whatever it is that makes him uncertain.
That's another reason I can't just tell him how I feel...I already know he isn't sure about asking me out to due some mystery reason.
The strong woman in me says, "Well, you don't need a man who doesn't know that he wants you. You want someone who wants you 100%."
But the one who knows him says. Well, if he's not completely ready, I understand. I mean, he's been through a lot. He doesn't want to ruin something so good now. Friendship can last forever, but we all know relationships don't always.
And then I realize that I'm once again in the all-too-familiar mind-trap. "Welcome" says my friend the dark wall in my head.
I'm just getting over being sick. I know that in a way, I made myself sick. I mean, I milked it for all it was worth, including days off, because I needed a lot of thinking time. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of SAD. I really didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did get out of bed to ponder a lot.
I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and be really, really excited about going out into the world. So, I'm going to get really detailed and practical about what I want to change and how to get there---the career I want, the apartment (maybe condo?) that I want...
The only part I feel no control over is my love life. And I know that therapists, counsellors, etc. will say that this is something I have control over. But seriously, I was brought up in a very conservative household. I never adhered to conservative beliefs, but I find that habits with regard to saying how I feel in this department are very hard to overcome. Girls just don't tell boys how they feel. The man makes the first move. I don't actually believe in this. I greatly admire women who take charge in this department (and in many other areas of their lives) and go for what they want. I have asked for raises, negotiated hours, stood my ground when I haven't agreed with higher-ups, but I cannot, CANNOT tell him how much I feel about him. I don't understand it. I feel so caged in. It's insane. I just cannot face the possibility that despite how he feels about me, it's just not something he wants to pursue.
So, I either confront this or let it go. I'm discovering more and more that I can do neither. He's here. He's in my life. As soon as I decide not to do anything, he picks up the slack, as though reading my mind, as though knowing I want him to initiate phone calls, meetings, communications. How can I let go of someone who just seems to know? But best friends know. None of this means that his feelings for me are growing. It just means that he cares as a really, really good friend.
My reaction is to just try not to think about it. I'm hoping that my head will clear enough for me to know what to do if I just back off for a while. But like I said, it's as if he has read my mind. He's there as if on cue.
I'm trying to decide just to let it go. I feel as though, with time, I will become convinced of the futility of this wait. But I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get to this point, he'll come around and let go of whatever it is that makes him uncertain.
That's another reason I can't just tell him how I feel...I already know he isn't sure about asking me out to due some mystery reason.
The strong woman in me says, "Well, you don't need a man who doesn't know that he wants you. You want someone who wants you 100%."
But the one who knows him says. Well, if he's not completely ready, I understand. I mean, he's been through a lot. He doesn't want to ruin something so good now. Friendship can last forever, but we all know relationships don't always.
And then I realize that I'm once again in the all-too-familiar mind-trap. "Welcome" says my friend the dark wall in my head.
Monday, February 28, 2005
whee!
A day off for I am sick!! My throat is sore and I've got a good chest cough going.
But that's good, because I feel as though I need a day to regroup.
Man, I'm really having a hard time letting go. Fuck! This blog has gotten so boring with the stupid loop in my head. Ha ha! Somehow the loop begins to have break beats attached to them...awesome!
I'm also still addicted to the computer. I always think that I have to stop.
The good thing about today, though is that I played a couple songs on the piano that I'm thinking of performing sometime. Too bad I can't ask anyone who's going to read this to come check out the gig. That's what sucks about anonymity.
Funny, I have to be careful what to say regardless of whether people know who I am or not. I couldn't speak my mind all the time if I knew that certain people would read this. But, even now that no one knows who I am, I still have to watch that I don't reveal to much.
Oh, this cage, this pretty cage.
Sometimes I wish I didn't really care. Another bad thing is that I don't want people I work with to know this much about me. I do so wonder how other people do it.
More and more, I long to express myself freely, but I find that being brought up to keep private things private, it's really hard for me to do.
On a happier note, I've been keeping myself thoroughly busy, dancing, working, going out with the gals, meeting a few new interesting people here and there, immersing myself in various music scenes. Life really has been quite good. I am rather happy that I'm probably sick from being tired all the time, living life!
Still, the love life isn't going well. I just feel trapped. My brain feels trapped. There isn't anything more I could do to let him know that I really, really like him. Besides, he has already been told. So...he just doesn't like me enough, right? Or is he not saying anything for the same reasons I'm not? A strange stubbornness borne from fear. Fear of what? Fear of not knowing what may come of it.
It's really difficult. And, to be honest, I'm not interested in anyone else, though I have recently enjoyed meeting guys and getting enough attention to boost my ego and spirits. Even exchanged info with this one guy. Before giving it to him, though, I told him that I would really have to think about contacting him because I don't really meet guys at clubs. I just dance with them and talk to them.
I will make more of an effort to post. I do miss it.
But that's good, because I feel as though I need a day to regroup.
Man, I'm really having a hard time letting go. Fuck! This blog has gotten so boring with the stupid loop in my head. Ha ha! Somehow the loop begins to have break beats attached to them...awesome!
I'm also still addicted to the computer. I always think that I have to stop.
The good thing about today, though is that I played a couple songs on the piano that I'm thinking of performing sometime. Too bad I can't ask anyone who's going to read this to come check out the gig. That's what sucks about anonymity.
Funny, I have to be careful what to say regardless of whether people know who I am or not. I couldn't speak my mind all the time if I knew that certain people would read this. But, even now that no one knows who I am, I still have to watch that I don't reveal to much.
Oh, this cage, this pretty cage.
Sometimes I wish I didn't really care. Another bad thing is that I don't want people I work with to know this much about me. I do so wonder how other people do it.
More and more, I long to express myself freely, but I find that being brought up to keep private things private, it's really hard for me to do.
On a happier note, I've been keeping myself thoroughly busy, dancing, working, going out with the gals, meeting a few new interesting people here and there, immersing myself in various music scenes. Life really has been quite good. I am rather happy that I'm probably sick from being tired all the time, living life!
Still, the love life isn't going well. I just feel trapped. My brain feels trapped. There isn't anything more I could do to let him know that I really, really like him. Besides, he has already been told. So...he just doesn't like me enough, right? Or is he not saying anything for the same reasons I'm not? A strange stubbornness borne from fear. Fear of what? Fear of not knowing what may come of it.
It's really difficult. And, to be honest, I'm not interested in anyone else, though I have recently enjoyed meeting guys and getting enough attention to boost my ego and spirits. Even exchanged info with this one guy. Before giving it to him, though, I told him that I would really have to think about contacting him because I don't really meet guys at clubs. I just dance with them and talk to them.
I will make more of an effort to post. I do miss it.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
uncertainty
I think that a large part of the lack of posts here is that I've been making more of an effort to stop thinking about the same issues all the time.
I do miss this blog, though.
I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.
But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.
Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.
I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.
Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.
I sure can be silly.
But even smart people need that, right?
But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.
I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.
So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.
I do miss this blog, though.
I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.
But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.
Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.
I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.
Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.
I sure can be silly.
But even smart people need that, right?
But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.
I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.
So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
my first post of the new year
Wow. It sure has been a long absence.
I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.
I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.
Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.
I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."
That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.
I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.
I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.
But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.
He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.
I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.
It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.
Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.
But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.
I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.
I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.
I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.
Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.
I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."
That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.
I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.
I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.
But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.
He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.
I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.
It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.
Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.
But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.
I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.
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