round 'n' round

Sometimes, even when you know that there will not be a conclusion to your thoughts. You go there anyway. Play the scene in your head, wonder about what was thought, or think up hypothetical conversations. How did that smile look? Did you see me differently? Did you discover something else?

And some things have no end...bass, and notes, and drums, and footwork, and sweat...and this vast stretch and this deep breath.

oh the toothache i'm getting

It makes me smile.

He left me this message. Jazz. Fucking good jazz. No words, just the music. It made me smile and take in the sun out my window.

I've been thinking that I sure wish I'd come up and see that there's a message from him. And there it was.

He's such a good friend.

been working like a hound dog

It's taking all my energy, physically and mentally, to keep stress at bay. I've exercised my right to delegate a bit...funny how I didn't think of it right away.

My friends are either falling in love or not being successful at finding it. I find it hard to keep in touch and make room for quality conversation, targeting those who need it most first. There are still a couple of dear friends that I haven't contacted in ages!

I can't wait until this busy time is over. I need a massage!

An interesting thing...I find that fighting to keep the stress level down, though a very useful coping mechanism, is actually harder work than just diving in and tackling tasks.

Now I'm off to unwind. And then, to sleep.

silence

Ever have those moments when suddenly you grow quiet? You're fine and having fun in this really calm way, but you become really aware that you are significantly less talkative than you were earlier.

That happened to me tonight and it sucks when someone notices...actually, it only sucks when there are people you don't know very well around. I probably just came off as this strange girl.

Oh well. First impressions will be as they may be.

My ex is now dating someone else. He told me because he thought I should know. Why? Because he thinks I'm waiting for him? No, I think it's more because there is a connection between us that will always be there. We were truly happy. There was romance, passion, and friendship. We even created together. Music and literature played a big role in our connection.

I marvel at the coming together of people and the way that their separation changes them forever. People have a need to touch and come together, but pulling them apart has such terrible effects that I almost wonder whether we were truly meant to get that close. Or, we are, and we're simply meant to hurt, too. Yeah, yeah, get close, real close...oh, but by the way, it's gonna hurt like hell to come apart, so, um, don't know if you you really wanna do that.

Ok...really sleepy now. I feel babbling coming on, so I'll spare you.

change

I have come to realize that I do this strange thing. Lately, for some reason, guys come up to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I have to say I feel strange writing that because it may sound like I'm showing off. But, to be honest, I write about this because it's all new to me. It's really, really flattering! Though I hate to follow through on this thought, I think that my past disappointments have, in a way, made me wonder what exactly it is about me that empowers guys to go away. Seriously, I think that I give them the confidence to go and follow their dreams and leave me alone.

So anyway, back to this strange thing I do...I come home and look in the mirror and try to figure out what angle they see me from and I try to see if I can find what they see. Most times, I think, 'Huh, I do look pretty good tonight.' But of course, I also see the flaws, which I figure most people probably don't even notice despite them being so obvious to me.

I've also been wondering what it is about me lately that catches their attention. You must understand, I can blend in quite well. I might as well be the wall. My friends have always been the ones to turn heads. For a couple of years now, I acknowledge that I've gone out with a dark shade around me. I recall thinking about someone all the time to the extent that I made myself invisible.

But today, as I was looking out my window while drinking coffee and following snowflake paths with my eyes, I found myself quite content. More and more, I'm relishing the freedom of enjoying where I am right now. I look around my apartment and I think, 'Damn! I've got a pretty awesome setup here." I thoroughly enjoy the fact that it's all me right now. My time, my money, my space to move, to think.

I now understand the willful arrest I had put myself under. I don't regret it, but allowing myself the mischief of unbounded thoughts and unbridled possibility takes getting used to after all this time.

There were always things I couldn't do because of my parents' concerns. Then there were my own concerns around losing people. Now, my parents are supportive and the people that mean the most will never be lost. Nothing can stop me now.

I've also taken to listening to music as soon as I wake up again. For some reason, I stopped doing that. I've looked around more and have taken in the sky in a way that I had forgotten---a way that makes me smile. Oh, and that's another thing, I find that I now have a smile on my lips rather than an an expression that says, 'You better not come the fuck near me because you have no idea how much I don't even want to acknowledge that you're coming my way.'

I've had my own space for so long and yet I'm finding that only now am I occupying it so as to take it in. I'm literally breathing more freely. I don't even know if I can describe it well...

I've made room.

muscle

I assembled a rather complicated coffee table today. It took me three hours. I discovered my mistake rather late in the game, but luckily it wasn't that difficult to take pieces apart. Somehow, I managed to keep my patience.

There it is! Done!

While I was screwing in some plastic contraption with tremendous effort (whose purpose I cannot ascertain because it's somewhere under the swivel top), I had to smile at the thought that this would, in the past, have been a typically male task. In fact, the boys in the family would have been doing this were I still living at home. But there I was, with a sheen of sweat and muscular exertion, doing it all by myself. I was very tempted to call him, especially because more strength would have made pushing things together much, much easier; but I rather liked the idea of completing this project that ended up being way more challenging than I thought.

And now I will attempt to regain a normal sleep pattern. Having only gotten 5 hours last night, I think I should fall asleep rather quickly.

I think I'll bring some Either/Or to bed, just in case.

G'night.

a new year!

So obviously, this pic doesn't have anything to do with my post. Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite so obvious.

Haven't felt much like posting lately. And then I did feel like it about a half hour ago and now I sense I'm running out of steam.

I've had a great break this Christmas. It was relaxed and full of food and drink.

Overall, I'd say I feel pretty good about 2005. I'm looking forward to a clearer head this coming year. I've actually felt pretty happy, for the most part, lately. Naturally, the holiday blues hit momentarily.

I simply had to marvel at how hard it is to get over the last guy. I think it's because he's an awesome person and we're still good friends. I have managed to move forward, though, even giving my number to a guy who suggested we do something over the break. I missed the call, though, and there wasn't a message, so of course, I didn't call back.

Part of me doesn't want to try anything with this guy because I would only be doing it to help myself get used to dating. I feel like a bit of a jerk going on dates when I know I want nothing more right now than a few fun nights...light-hearted and full of good food. Is that terrible? The thing is, I know this guy a little. I think that perhaps if I didn't know the guy at all this would be easier. That way, even if he thinks I'm a jerk, it's no big deal because I'll never have to see him again.

But then, I keep thinking, maybe I'm not being such a jerk, dating when I'm not ready for anything serious. I mean, people date for various reasons, right? Not the least of which is getting to know someone new. I just haven't ever dated for the hell of it. Yes, I am rather inexperienced in this regard as I've only gone out with someone I already knew I liked very, very, very much.

I figure that someone just might surprise me when I'm out on one of these "what the hell" dates. I'm thinking about this a lot because I don't want to just use someone to help me believe once more in the possibility of being loved. It's just that, if my heart isn't completely open to something long-term, I'm afraid to disappoint someone who's out there looking for just that.

It sure is funny what loss does to you. I think I'm feeling a rather potent dose and it's not wearing off too quickly. I conjecture that this has to do with the fact that the two people overlapped and no one situation was allowed the room to resolve in comfort.

Once in a while, just when I think it's safe enough to breathe deeply, a strand of memory rises with the intake.