I haven't had inspiration from much lately. And it feels like too much work to find strength from within.
Maybe it's the weather? I'm not entirely sure.
Nothing gets me very excited. I think maybe I expected too much.
Most things are pretty bland lately. I've never been one to get really depressed but I suppose it could start with various triggers. I'm not saying that's where I'm at, but I do wonder why it is that something really feels like it has died in me. It feels like there's a dark place. Like I'm losing someone, some place, that I'll never get back. I hate letting go. It feels like giving up. I hate giving up. I hate just having to accept things that I'm not happy about. "Be true to who you are", they say, but what if being true to who you are doesn't seem to work for you?
I don't think there's anything essentially wrong with me. But there are certain things I cannot do. There are certain things that I cannot change.
And it's just dark and sad, and more often than I have in a while, I feel like crying.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Thursday, October 21, 2004
i'm taking a poll of sorts
If any of you who might happen to read my post has told a friend that you have more than friendly feelings for him/her, I would appreciate it if you commented and let me know how it went. How long were you friends for? Was it reciprocated? How did you tell him/her? Did it work out? Not work out? Ruin the friendship? I really want to hear both sides of the tale. Any further insights or comments outside these questions would also be appreciated.
where am I now?
I often think, "Who am I?" nowadays. This isn't unusual, except that considering how old I am, many probably think I should be over this.
I do so many things that seem incongruent. They all make up who I am. The positive spin on this is that I AM this conglomeration of disjointed, jagged pieces. It's exciting and dynamic. The negative spin is that I truly don't know myself. That it's taking me a really long time to figure things out. But then, maybe it's just the case that those who say they've figured themselves out are somehow disillusioned and fooling themselves.
More and more, too, I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's the weather. It gets dark so soon. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get out of work. I've taken to going to a little chapel to pray/think during part of my lunch hour. Yes, can you believe I pray? I figure most people do even if they don't know it. I think even just talking out loud, yelling at life, enjoying life can be prayer. Wow, I sound Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that I've met a few too many righteous fanatics that I fear that saying such a thing as "I pray" will conjure up angry thoughts.
Nonetheless, I am sad more often than not.
I long for the carefree belief in who I am. The confidence in my intelligence and expertise that I used to feel most often. I know that it left when he left, as non-progressive as that sounds. But, really, I guess, such things happen no matter which important person leaves our lives. Anyway, that whole situation threw me into a state of i-have-no-idea. I'm still there. I don't know how any of this works. The struggle to keep it together bears down on me.
I'm realizing that the other no longer even sees this. That he may not even believe me when I complain that things aren't going well. On the outside, things look great. I can see that they're great. I don't have much to complain about. But feeling lost encompasses a lot of areas and emotions.
I'm also saddened that he used to be one of my best friends. Someone who seemed to understand that there was more to me than the smile and friendliness.
Change is inevitable, I know. I just hate having to just let it all go. Why am I always letting go? Why doesn't anyone feel like they're letting me go. I feel rather dispensable. I'm indispensable when it comes to my job and what I do for others then. But outside of what I do with my brain and hands, the part that is just me seems dispensable.
He didn't stay for me. No one, except my family and a few close friends, goes the extra mile for me. I've done that for people. I'm getting sick of doing it for people who then don't seem to even remember it. Ok, guys, that is. It's tiring.
Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be alone.
I do so many things that seem incongruent. They all make up who I am. The positive spin on this is that I AM this conglomeration of disjointed, jagged pieces. It's exciting and dynamic. The negative spin is that I truly don't know myself. That it's taking me a really long time to figure things out. But then, maybe it's just the case that those who say they've figured themselves out are somehow disillusioned and fooling themselves.
More and more, too, I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's the weather. It gets dark so soon. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get out of work. I've taken to going to a little chapel to pray/think during part of my lunch hour. Yes, can you believe I pray? I figure most people do even if they don't know it. I think even just talking out loud, yelling at life, enjoying life can be prayer. Wow, I sound Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that I've met a few too many righteous fanatics that I fear that saying such a thing as "I pray" will conjure up angry thoughts.
Nonetheless, I am sad more often than not.
I long for the carefree belief in who I am. The confidence in my intelligence and expertise that I used to feel most often. I know that it left when he left, as non-progressive as that sounds. But, really, I guess, such things happen no matter which important person leaves our lives. Anyway, that whole situation threw me into a state of i-have-no-idea. I'm still there. I don't know how any of this works. The struggle to keep it together bears down on me.
I'm realizing that the other no longer even sees this. That he may not even believe me when I complain that things aren't going well. On the outside, things look great. I can see that they're great. I don't have much to complain about. But feeling lost encompasses a lot of areas and emotions.
I'm also saddened that he used to be one of my best friends. Someone who seemed to understand that there was more to me than the smile and friendliness.
Change is inevitable, I know. I just hate having to just let it all go. Why am I always letting go? Why doesn't anyone feel like they're letting me go. I feel rather dispensable. I'm indispensable when it comes to my job and what I do for others then. But outside of what I do with my brain and hands, the part that is just me seems dispensable.
He didn't stay for me. No one, except my family and a few close friends, goes the extra mile for me. I've done that for people. I'm getting sick of doing it for people who then don't seem to even remember it. Ok, guys, that is. It's tiring.
Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be alone.
Monday, October 11, 2004
I don't think I'm any good to anybody right now. I'm moody and want to cry. The stupid part is that I know that I've made decisions or have allowed my thoughts to weigh down on me without concrete evidence. But, as I've mentioned before, I still have powers of perception, which, though they could be wrong, have been quite accurate in the past.
As a result, I'm not happy. I hate that only his voice or e-mail can turn my mood around. I don't think that's a good thing. At the same time, letting go of this means being COMPLETELY alone in that department. Not that I think it's a bad thing, because I've been that way before. It's just that added to this is the thought that he'll go to someone else.
I think that a mistrust of anyone new that comes along has settled in me. I don't want to go out with anyone. This only means that I'm not completely over the breakup, though I'm pretty much over him. And then I just get angry. Because I hate that in an indirect way, he still has power over me. It means that it really does take an obscene amount of time to get over someone you once loved deeply.
Its effect is scary and even emotionally debilitating. I do want to drown in something dark. Like the way it feels when you're asleep. But I don't really want to be asleep because I'm not consciously feeling myself heal. In a way, I want a controlled loss of feeling.
And so, it's no wonder that he can't possibly feel the same way about me now as he did before he left. The girl he met after a year isn't the same. She's quieter, more withdrawn, and content to watch the world, actively observe it, without stating her opinion on it. She's not quite sure where she stands on a lot of things---the loss of someone before threw everything up in the air. She doesn't laugh as loudly, jump around like a child, get excited very easily, or act silly very often. She does't know what to say to him because she wants so much for everything to be the way it was---fun and easy---but there seems to be too much to say that can't be said yet. She perceives that the result is undesirable. The projection of herself rather dim. She grows quiet in crowds and isn't sure how he takes this. She thinks the thoughts in his head go something like, "God this is pretty boring. What could we do that's exciting?" And, with a lack of ideas because she no longer brings out magical ideas in him, he opens a book, confirming the thoughts she conjectured were in his head.
She longs for him to know that she understands many of his thoughts and dreams, but hasn't found the right atmosphere or tone for such a conversation. They may never get to that point where they can talk that way again. She's saddened by this. Saddened and angered by the havoc that time wreaks and by the decay of even purportedly strong bonds.
She's frustrated by the helplessness that this knowledge brings. It's a crushing knowledge---that optimism doesn't yield lasting hope, that nothing that she played a part in creating lasts forever.
The pain is really hard to bear. She tries to keep it down. To remember that she's thankful for so many things. But sometimes, giving in to the enemy's grip seems her deserved fate. A punishment, of sorts, for allowing it to get close.
As a result, I'm not happy. I hate that only his voice or e-mail can turn my mood around. I don't think that's a good thing. At the same time, letting go of this means being COMPLETELY alone in that department. Not that I think it's a bad thing, because I've been that way before. It's just that added to this is the thought that he'll go to someone else.
I think that a mistrust of anyone new that comes along has settled in me. I don't want to go out with anyone. This only means that I'm not completely over the breakup, though I'm pretty much over him. And then I just get angry. Because I hate that in an indirect way, he still has power over me. It means that it really does take an obscene amount of time to get over someone you once loved deeply.
Its effect is scary and even emotionally debilitating. I do want to drown in something dark. Like the way it feels when you're asleep. But I don't really want to be asleep because I'm not consciously feeling myself heal. In a way, I want a controlled loss of feeling.
And so, it's no wonder that he can't possibly feel the same way about me now as he did before he left. The girl he met after a year isn't the same. She's quieter, more withdrawn, and content to watch the world, actively observe it, without stating her opinion on it. She's not quite sure where she stands on a lot of things---the loss of someone before threw everything up in the air. She doesn't laugh as loudly, jump around like a child, get excited very easily, or act silly very often. She does't know what to say to him because she wants so much for everything to be the way it was---fun and easy---but there seems to be too much to say that can't be said yet. She perceives that the result is undesirable. The projection of herself rather dim. She grows quiet in crowds and isn't sure how he takes this. She thinks the thoughts in his head go something like, "God this is pretty boring. What could we do that's exciting?" And, with a lack of ideas because she no longer brings out magical ideas in him, he opens a book, confirming the thoughts she conjectured were in his head.
She longs for him to know that she understands many of his thoughts and dreams, but hasn't found the right atmosphere or tone for such a conversation. They may never get to that point where they can talk that way again. She's saddened by this. Saddened and angered by the havoc that time wreaks and by the decay of even purportedly strong bonds.
She's frustrated by the helplessness that this knowledge brings. It's a crushing knowledge---that optimism doesn't yield lasting hope, that nothing that she played a part in creating lasts forever.
The pain is really hard to bear. She tries to keep it down. To remember that she's thankful for so many things. But sometimes, giving in to the enemy's grip seems her deserved fate. A punishment, of sorts, for allowing it to get close.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
so what do you do...
...when you feel like your insides are empty? (It only took less than a minute.) ...when the slow sunset of realization pushes the strength out of you? And suddendly, I'm truly alone. I feel so lost and dumb. I cannot really write what happened. I think that if I did, no one would see definitive proof. But sometimes, you just know. The way you know that the present under the tree is the one you've been wanting all year long.
I want to get lost somewhere. Somewhere dark. Where I can close my eyes away from people. Where I can just drown in the absence, in the loss of feeling.
Once again, I'm the stupid one. Why is it that I never quite believe signs when they first grin deviously? I'm fooled by the fiendish lure.
And now I just want to cry, but tears aren't going to come. Not freely. My family would hear. Someone would see me and ask if I'm okay.
I don't want to be asked if I'm ok. I want to be left alone. I really just want to get lost. To lose all senses. But drinking won't solve it. I would feel the numbness.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
The rational part of me, the one that always looks at the brighter side of things, says that everything will be ok. That all may not, in fact, be lost. That I don't really have any concrete facts to support my so-called knowledge. And if it turns out I'm right, it could only be for the better. That there's someone out there who will know me better than anyone. Whom I won't have to work so hard at winner over---whom I won't even have to win over!
But I don't believe any of this right now. I see people and buildings and sunlight around me, but no one with me.
I don't quite know what to do about it, though I've been through it before. I know this will all pass again. I just wish I wouldn't have to live like this, watching things pass.
I want to get lost somewhere. Somewhere dark. Where I can close my eyes away from people. Where I can just drown in the absence, in the loss of feeling.
Once again, I'm the stupid one. Why is it that I never quite believe signs when they first grin deviously? I'm fooled by the fiendish lure.
And now I just want to cry, but tears aren't going to come. Not freely. My family would hear. Someone would see me and ask if I'm okay.
I don't want to be asked if I'm ok. I want to be left alone. I really just want to get lost. To lose all senses. But drinking won't solve it. I would feel the numbness.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
The rational part of me, the one that always looks at the brighter side of things, says that everything will be ok. That all may not, in fact, be lost. That I don't really have any concrete facts to support my so-called knowledge. And if it turns out I'm right, it could only be for the better. That there's someone out there who will know me better than anyone. Whom I won't have to work so hard at winner over---whom I won't even have to win over!
But I don't believe any of this right now. I see people and buildings and sunlight around me, but no one with me.
I don't quite know what to do about it, though I've been through it before. I know this will all pass again. I just wish I wouldn't have to live like this, watching things pass.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
my moment of weakness
Nothing has happened though he's been back for a couple of weeks now. I don't know how much longer I can take this waiting. We're friends. That's obvious. We care. That's obvious. But I can see him being attracted to someone else and then deciding he'd like to try that out instead. I care. I care sooo much. Friends think something will happen. We're obviously really close and special to each other. But what if nothing ever does. I CANNOT just tell him how I feel when I don't have an indication of what he feels. Part of the problem, I think, is that we're both the same in that we're able not to let on about what we really feel. So, basically, we're screwed. Actually, I'm screwed. I know I'm being stubborn. I should be grown up about this. Talk about it with him. But I'm not going to. Besides, if he's interested, and we're alone enough times, won't he eventually do it? It's not like he's never asked anyone out before, so why the hell can't he just ask me out? I hate this. It's this circular maze with no exit. I hate it. Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention I hate this? Did I mention I'm fucked?! I'm starting to think I'm gonna be screwed over again. That I'm feeling a lot for someone, AGAIN, and it won't be returned the same way.
But wait, odd, that just means that you haven't found the right guy.
But he feels like the right guy.
But you got over the other one, you'll get over this one too, and someone special will come your way and it'll be just right.
But I don't want anyone else!!!
You might. You never know who will come along.
I want him to come along.
Uh huh.
And I sit in my room in near-tears.
But wait, odd, that just means that you haven't found the right guy.
But he feels like the right guy.
But you got over the other one, you'll get over this one too, and someone special will come your way and it'll be just right.
But I don't want anyone else!!!
You might. You never know who will come along.
I want him to come along.
Uh huh.
And I sit in my room in near-tears.
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