little girl

This always happens before I leave my family home...we get snippy with each other. I realize that this is because my parents are going to miss me, especially because it usually takes some time before I go home again. So, they're sensitive, and I'm sensitive, because I know they want me to stay longer, but I can't. I hate the feeling that I'm making them less than happy.

But before leaving yesterday, I got really pissed off at my dad. You see, I don't drive very often. So, everytime there's no one else able to drive, or as soon as there's a car situation to sort out, such that someone needs to go somewhere, but obviously, I would need to drive, my dad pulls out the "but you haven't driven in a while card." We're not talking highway driving here, we're talking 10, 15 minutes in the burbs. Seriously. I'm not stupid. I haven't forgotten how to drive. I can still make judgements about whether to change lanes or not.

It really angers me because I know that someday, I will have to drive whether I like it or not, and that someday will be under the same not-driving-in-a while condition.

I don't know why that is, exactly. An outsider might say it's because girls were generally driven around in my dad's day. It is perhaps true. But part of me doesn't believe this, because both my parents have always raised me to believe that I can do absolutely anything I want, that I can achieve anything.

Basically, I don't get it. And I become so unbelievably angry sometimes that I want to punch something. Especially because there's this irrational fear that I'm going to get into an accident. Especially becuase there was never an issue with my brothers driving. Though, they say, the reason for this is because they drove my parents around as practice. I did that too, of course, while I lived at home. Then I get, "But that was a long time ago." I grit my teeth so hard, they threaten to pop out of my mouth.

Anyway, the point of all this is that, as I told my dad, I was sure glad to leave yesterday. Though we didn't have arguments throughout the holidays, the last couple of days did try my patience sometimes. There's only so much of the little girl treatment that I can take. I don't like having to wait until someone can drive me somewhere. I don't like not being able to get up and leave whenever I want (wasn't an issue this time, though). Don't like keeping my mom up until I come home. I then don't like the ensuing argument that would inevitably come up that basically suggests that I don't care that I'm making them worried and keeping them up. Man, all those reasons that let me know it was time to move out are rushing back!

But really, I loved Christmas. I love my family. And part of me didn't want to leave. My parents are so much more than the picture I've given above. I don't want to give off the wrong impression. They gave up literally everything for me and my brothers. They have shown me strength that I rarely see in the people around me. And they will always be there, no matter how much I provoke them with "unconventional, 'free-thinking' ideas". But you know what, I feel free to express these ideas, and we argue heatedly. That's what I love...They bug the hell out of me sometimes, but we give and take words with passion.

Still, I'm not a little girl anymore. Funny how they forget.

i miss Christmas

I'm back at my place, and oddly, it seems a bit too familiar. Already, I dread the call of stress---I've got that tense feeling I get, like when I'm avoiding a call that I know will come through the line.

A new year...I'm definitely at a different place now. Who would have thought, a year ago, that B and I would be together? I had pretty much given up hope, though I obviously didn't want to let it go. But there he was with me on New Year's Eve. I was surrounded by family and friends. It has definitely been the best New Year's in a while.

What do I hope for this year? That I find time to relax, so that I can fully enjoy all the great things that are happening in my life. Part of me isn't quite basking in the glow of it all because I know that it can all fall apart. I don't want to look away, to grow complacent, just in case I miss the signs. I want to be able to prevent anything from going bad. This year, that's my goal. I want to divide work and play even better and not care so much that someone might think that I'm not doing enough at my job. I want to just be able to say, "Oh well, that's the best I can do for you" and not feel like I've let someone down. I have found that if I'm not able to say this, the people I love the most will feel it a lot more. And really, they are the ones I'm most accountable to, the ones who have been there and will continue to be there, no matter what happens with work.

All this goes hand in hand with letting go. I've been too watchful and therefore too tense. But when I've thought about it, I really do have everything I could want. It's not perfect, there are things to strive for, but there isn't anything I want.

Sometimes I wonder, whether in the sadness and struggle of the previous years, I have forgotten how to simply let things be. I need to remember to trust myself and to be confident that I'll know what to do with whatever situation comes my way. To be honest, there are still periods when I just can't seem to get excited about anything; like I've gotten used to a stillness that I have now come to recognize as a kind of "oh well" state of being.

But I no longer want to just let all this good around me keep passing by, nor any of the not-so-good. I desperately want to just feel all the good feelings without that veil of scepticism. I want to believe, once again, that life can be good and impossibly wonderful, and that I can feel impossibly lucky and happy again.

So that's my aim for the new year. I think everyone around me will be better for it too.