nothing to complain about

Life's been pretty good lately. I'm not entirely satisfied with my playing, but I do feel a renewed sense of why I'm pursuing it in the first place.

Work's not as hectic, so I'm not terribly stressed.

The only thing I haven't worked regularly into my schedule is reading and breaking (dancing, that is). I think that will come soon enough, though.

I'm also tired from staying up late with B, but I'm only occasionally tired due to that. We're really good at making sure we don't disturb the other when we're doing work. We're also really conscious about getting enough rest.

The thing that scares me once in a while is that this could end unexpectedly. The thought doesn't cross my mind frequently, but when it comes, it can bring me down.

It actually feels more like we've been dating for years and we have reached that comfortable stage where you feel settled and happy. What I wonder, though, is whether, in the absence of that intense romantic sweep that brings couples to think they are "in love", will we acknowledge that we're in it? You know what I mean?...

With someone you haven't known for a long time, you get the butterflies and the heart-flutter, and you think, "He's so perfect! I think I love him." In my case, I love having him around. I miss his presence when I don't fall asleep next to him; and feel strange when I don't see him first thing in the morning. He always wants to see me. In fact, we spend almost every night of the week together. I'd say, on average, 3 of 4 nights a week.

What am I trying to say here?...I worry that in the absence of the "butterflies", we won't recognize whether our feelings have grown. What if he decides to go after that feeling? What if it makes us think that what we have isn't enough?

I love holding him, though, and seeing him brings a smile to my face...a sense of calm.

I do realize that I'm over-thinking here, but these are the thoughts that cross my mind once in a while.

You want to know the truth though? I'm really, really happy. He makes me smile, giggle, and laugh. We kiss and hold each other often. We make sure that we don't lose sight of what's most important to us and that we spend all the time we need doing it. Literally, we spend our time together, doing what we need to do alone. It's not distracting. It may even be keeping us on track.

We're happy, and not all too scared anymore.

that baggage sure can be heavy

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I've got a bit of a cough and, as usual, I don't think I'm playing all that well.

Maybe it's because he didn't return the sentiment in the closing greeting, although I didn't care at first whether he did or not. Honestly, I don't really care about that.

When I have a good look at why, it's because today, I'm reminded that I can't lean on anyone, at least not consistently.

I'm not feeling great about my playing. I'm rather tired. Part of me wants to convince him to come out to my friend's birthday, but part of me doesn't care. (It's at a club, and I hate pretentious clubs myself.) I don't think I would want to be guilted into going somewhere I don't want to go.

So I have come to the conclusion that regardless how great everything is going right now, I'm the only person that can make myself feel good. Only I can improve my playing. Only I can make sure I get enough sleep. Only I can feel confident enough about our relationship so that I don't feel the need to test it.

This whole "only I" thing, though, just reminds me of how fleeting this can all be... that no matter what I put in, there are no guarantees.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the interminable seedling produced by that grain of hurt.

In a way, this is good. It means that I am perhaps feeling more about this than my mind perceives. I was worried that my feelings wouldn't grow. But it also reminds me of how all this can be taken away, and in the end, I have no control. If I have no control, then neither does he. He, too, has been so hurt before that he's unsure of his capacity to love deeply.

If I don't feel that grow in him, I'm going to find it hard to grow as well. But if there's no growth in me, then that will likely be an obstacle to his growth.

So I simply feel caught. And scared. And I want to run, but I want something to stop me.

i'm a sleepy head

I realize I haven't posted in a while. I've been pretty busy at work, dealing with crisis situations for a couple weeks, making my usual work load spill over into hours when I would normally be free. Things have calmed down now, but I'm still finding that my nights are busy.

I need the time to practice and phone and see people.

At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I would like to say that my heart has been calm through all of it.

I find that dating B doesn't make me lose focus. I haven't gotten lost in a euphoric haze, as I did when I first started dating A (i.e. my first boyfriend. I can't remember what letter I used to represent him.)

It feels like we've been dating forever. It has that settled, comfortable feeling despite being new.

I'm still noticing emotional challenges in myself, though. I'll cover that in another post, because my eyes are mad at me for not allowing them to rest.

Good night.