That's what I am. Which means I'm home and have time to write.
It's been terribly stressful for me these past months. I'm really, really tired, and feel mentally and spiritually weak. On occasion, I feel quite shaky, dealing with crises, or trying to prevent them.
My work has trained my brain to see where pitfalls may lie. This may not seem so bad, but when the pitfalls can happen in human lives, I give so much importance to it. Perhaps more than necessary at any given time. It does feel like my brain is in overdrive, like when you're working out, and your muscles are in pain but you keep pushing just a bit more.
Well, I push because I have to. People need advise on how to deal with other people, whose lives are so very complex.
It's taking a real toll on me now though. I get sick more often and have minor anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my friends and family are really supportive, so I know I'll be fine.
Even as I sit here, surfing the net with the TV on, I have thoughts compelling me to do something productive. But today, it's not so hard for me to just tell myself to just veg.
B is so good through all this. Sometimes, I think he's too nice. And it pisses me off. Is that normal? So, I tried to figure out why this pisses me off, and I realized that it's because while I was single, I really gained strength from processing my moods and emotions. I need to feel that I can get out of this. So, I told him that and asked him not to worry if I shut the door and just want to stay there, alone, for a bit.
He's so good. So great. I want to be better for him. You know that Sarah McLaughlin song with the line, "I know I can love you much better than this"? Well, that makes me tear up. Because it's true. I need to get better for him, for my family, and most of all for myself, so I can do all these things. I need to put them first more, which I realize I don't as much, and in turn, I don't put myself first enough. Because by putting them first, it means that I'll actually hang out with my friends and call them more, which is so good for me. It means I'll go out and relax more instead of giving that up for all the tasks and duties in my day.
So, that's another resolve. And as I sit here, with my sick day, I feel it's at least possible.
