...it's hard to figure out when things changed. How is it that love changes? That's part of his power---his knowledge of why I do things. And I guess mine is my ability to make him react.
I realized today that despite my knowing that things have changed, I haven't accepted it all as I thought I had. There seems to be a lingering denial. I've had glimpses of this, with the softly-lit scenes that flit about in my head on very, very rare occasions. Today, though, that hit home.
This explains why I actually dread it when someone seems to be really interested in talking to me. I know that I could be missing out on wonderful friendships. But it's obviously a defense mechanism. I don't want to get even remotely close to the possibility of dating someone. OH WOW!! I just wrote that. I'm so not ready.
I don't even check guys out yet. When I have done so, it was because I reminded myself that there are probably cute guys in [insert place here]. Mostly, if I seem to catch someone's eye, I avert my gaze and I want to become as inconspicuous as possible. Don't get me wrong, it's not like guys are always checking me out. Nuh uh. Basically, in the few instances that someone starts to take notice, I want them to go away.
Yeah...that's pretty messed up. But I think it all just has to do with my not being ready for anything right now.
It's kind of upsetting. And if I didn't have to go out after work today, I would've just sat here and had a good cry. I still feel one coming on, but I have to eat. So it looks like I'll be able to divert my attention elsewhere for a might longer.
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