"hnggghhhhhhh" - that's me blowing my nose

It certainly feels strange that I haven't blogged in a while. It's a constant "to do" thought in my head.

I've been sick. I'm still sick. Ugh! Can someone heal me now?

I thought I might have something interesting to post, but it turns out I'm too sleepy to write.

I will say, however, that clubs are such a good place to feel the big arms of loneliness wrap around you. It's a dark, suffocating embrace. First I thought it was my mood. I had a better time this past weekend, but when I got home, the same feeling came over me. I had been fighting it the whole night, and I was successful. I walked through my door and it followed me in.

oui!

when someone knows you so well...

...it's hard to figure out when things changed. How is it that love changes? That's part of his power---his knowledge of why I do things. And I guess mine is my ability to make him react.

I realized today that despite my knowing that things have changed, I haven't accepted it all as I thought I had. There seems to be a lingering denial. I've had glimpses of this, with the softly-lit scenes that flit about in my head on very, very rare occasions. Today, though, that hit home.

This explains why I actually dread it when someone seems to be really interested in talking to me. I know that I could be missing out on wonderful friendships. But it's obviously a defense mechanism. I don't want to get even remotely close to the possibility of dating someone. OH WOW!! I just wrote that. I'm so not ready.

I don't even check guys out yet. When I have done so, it was because I reminded myself that there are probably cute guys in [insert place here]. Mostly, if I seem to catch someone's eye, I avert my gaze and I want to become as inconspicuous as possible. Don't get me wrong, it's not like guys are always checking me out. Nuh uh. Basically, in the few instances that someone starts to take notice, I want them to go away.

Yeah...that's pretty messed up. But I think it all just has to do with my not being ready for anything right now.

It's kind of upsetting. And if I didn't have to go out after work today, I would've just sat here and had a good cry. I still feel one coming on, but I have to eat. So it looks like I'll be able to divert my attention elsewhere for a might longer.

ahhh...

Ok. Much better now. I think I just needed a work out. Practice was AWEsome! I'm beginning not to be so self-conscious. I improved a wee bit today too.

I can now also scratch 2 things off my to-do list. Wunderbar!!



And the lightning crashed upon a tree---split it in two, right down its centre. And the flower wept and feared the worst. The sky lit up once more. It revealed a nook at the tree's base from which emerged a wide-eyed chipmunk, wondering why it survived and where it would go.

gah!!

You know it's bad when you blog multiple times a day. Well, that's what it means for me, anyway.

I've got a million things I'd like to get done, but I can't seem to do them. I'm going to practice, so that's one important thing down, but I also need to:

- think of an article topic
- finish the application
- get started on new pieces
- call my teacher
- put photos up
- fold my clothes and put them in drawers
- go to the bookstore, w/c I forgot to do today
- shop for a friend's wedding gift
- read lots and lots

I get annoyed when I don't get reading time. Yes, yes, prioritize, make up a schedule. I have convinced others of the virtue of such an undertaking. I have found it an excellent tool. Lately it's like I've got ADD, though. I start something and remember that I have to do another, then I start that and nothing's finished!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

There is a very simple solution to this, ladies and gentlemen, and dogs, let's not forget the dogs...finish one thing before starting the next. And make a prioritized list of tasks, crossing off each one as they are completed. In this manner, you will be satisfied because you have completed something. Above all, be realistic and schedule breaks. You are not a super human.

mixed emotions

I'm getting that confused jumble of thoughts in my head. It only leads to one place...the thought that I'm not quite sure how to present myself to others, not sure which side to show.

I think it's a consequence of being brought up to keep private things private. I can talk to anybody, chat it up, but do I really say anything about myself? Only very few people know me intimately, even among my close group of girl friends. People wouldn't call me shy, but I've been told a number of times that it's hard for them to see who I am.

I truly envy those people who can just write or say anything. They seem to get involved in interesting, in-depth conversations. It's not like I haven't, but I contribute very generalized comments, using such pronouns as "we" or "one" in conversations that make me dig deeper into my thoughts and analyze my values more closely.

What am I afraid of? I'm pretty sure, though this isn't definitive, that I'm afraid that people will laugh, think I'm dumb, think I'm narrow-minded. The latter is the worst thought. Because I know that there are probably ideals that I fight to hang onto that may seem conservative to most, particularly with regard to sex. I fear that if I vocalize them, people will get the wrong idea; think that I can no longer understand them. It's just so hard to convey the intricate fibres of thoughts that linger around the more visible threads in my mind---the fibres that allow me to understand completely where other people are coming from because the very same thoughts challenge me all the time.

Anyway, I envy those who, as a result of their openness, seem so incredibly interesting and get interesting feedback in return.

Hmmm...I think I require adjustment. I'm not sure how, though.

sleepy

I get cranky when I'm sleepy and talking to my parents. It's so horrible. They're on the phone and all I can think of is, 'oh no, I must get off the phone. I'm soooo sleepy..."uh huh. yup. oh well. uh huh. ok, I have to sleep now".

Then I feel mean, coz I don't talk to them for too long as it is.

Also...sometimes I think that I don't want to write anything here because I don't want to bore the few people who read my blog. But then, I remember that the reason I started this whole thing was really for me to have some place to write without really caring if anyone reads it or not. It's funny how, once you know people read stuff, you take them into account. Well, at least I seem to, though I'm trying not to. Not coz I don't care, but I wanna keep it honest. Well, as honest as I can be without giving away too much of my life in case someone I know comes across this.


I'm grumpy. G'night.

a squirrel inquiry

You know, speaking of squirrels, despite there being so many, I don't know what squirrel poop looks like. Any idea?

squirrel on high

I just remembered that I saw the strangest squirrel behaviour ever. I saw this squirrel whose tail was rotating like a propeller. It made jerky, compulsive movements under a parked car and eventually came to rest (I don't even know how) on its side, just beside the wheel, in plain view. It lay there for a good minute, breathing heavily. It didn't move when I stood to look at it, except for eyes that looked downward to look at me. They weren't even curious eyes, wondering why I was there. It was too intent on lying there, recovering from the burst of energy that I'm pretty sure caused a loud thumping sound that first made me take notice of it. I swear, I thought someone had thrown the squirrel down. Then I figured it had taken drugs and was jumping up and down under the car.

After the self-absorbed, unseeing look it gave me, I moved away, suddenly fearing that it was rabid and would attack me. I've never been so scared of a squirrel in my life.

wish

You know what I wish for most right now? That he would just come home. I really have given up, as in I no longer expect anything. I don't expect e-mails or phone calls, or funny stuff relayed.

I haven't written about this lately, or blogged too frequently, because I'm truly having an awesome summer so far!! It's been a good balance between thinking time and doing time, me time and other people time. So, it has become easier for me to distance myself from the situation.

I still really miss him though. And he has NO idea. Someone commented sometime ago that I should just tell him. I can't right now. He's not here. So, it's hard to tell whether there might be a hint of anything he felt before. But the fact that I don't know doesn't bug me too much now.

I wish he'd just come home. And I wish a thousand other beautiful things, though wistfully, and without much hope. I no longer really chase after it like I used to, that is, to the extent that unspoken emotions can "chase".

All that happened to change the way I look at it is that I got tired of the push and pull of emotions. It wasn't good for me---the thinking, analyzing. Thankfully, there's a limit to how much trouble I will allow myself to go through. If I have to work so hard and always feel like I don't get anything out of it, then it can't all be good. Maybe that just means it's not right. Period. The end.

So that's why I gave up. That's why I don't get the tingly feeling I used to get when he'd say something even remotely sweet. I just take them as they are...words on a page, meaning nothing more than the most basic implications of language in context, with no imposed connotations.

Still, I wish he were here.

For those who read this...how are you guys doing? What's life like on your side of the world? I hope all is well and the world is full of colour for you! If any of you have blogs, I'd be happy to take a peek, if you'll let me. If not, that's cool too.

reaching out

installation by Andrew Wright

Installation art hasn't really sparked much interest in me, but this did. There's something disturbing to me about the hands reaching out. I imagine running my hands across their fingertips, not allowing them to grasp my hand, and I imagine that it would feel like cold, fleshy stubs, writhing, wriggling, feeling like thick worm heads, longing to be held by warmth. Then, another scenario...teasing the hands I pass by making contact with the length of fingers, with palms, maybe holding hands every now and then. What would I feel? Caresses, fingers tickling my palm, a flick, a pinch, a clap.

Most disturbing would be desperate clutches at my hand. I would feel an urgent cry for help that comes from a mouthless, body-less being. It has nothing but two hands that need to express and to be understood. I try understanding, asking questions, but these don't help. They can't hear! They communicate with touch and gesture and nothing more. The hands create various languages but I can't understand. Soon, the grasp is one of angry frustration. Scared, I wrest my hand free. I look back and it still signals for me. I can't help. What am I leaving behind? From what does it need to be freed?

For more info on this artist, visit this site.