telling myself it's okay

Once again, I find myself wishing I were more vocal in class, feeling that I have ideas that count for something, but I hesitate...am I wrong? What if I am?  I should really think about this. 

There's someone in my class that is just so good at articulating bright ideas succinctly, without any fear of being challenged.  I'm exactly the opposite.  I'm better now, I say more, but I continue to wonder where my motivations lie.  Do I speak to challenge? To bring up a point for discussion?  Or do I do it out of an expectation?  And this is the crux...What do I really want to do here?  Speak, think, stay silent.  Do I want my thoughts verified, validated? Do I want to seem smart?  Do I just want to contribute?  I really don't know.  It's probably a mix of all of these. But speaking out is still something that goes against so much of my personality.  I like to think and write, and only when comfortable, speak.  I realize that I have a voice and an opportunity, and it feels like shirking obligation not to use it.  But I also feel that there is pressure most people don't realize they are placing on those of us who are naturally introverted, or simply different in social situations.  That more vocal people are privileged by nature of being most readily heard and therefore seen.  And we're not always good at making the quieter ones more comfortable, and I don't blame anyone for that---it's hard to know how to respond to near silence.

So...do I accept who I am and simply take my time until I feel comfortable and ready?  Or, do I push to be heard and seen---and what for, anyway?  Do I disadvantage anyone by my silence?  Or maybe I disadvantage people by forcing something that doesn't feel right? And yet I have come so far by being just what I am, so where do I go from here?

Teaching Dissonances

I've been really lucky recently. I've had new music opportunities come up that I've never expected, one of which is the opportunity to teach an adult student who has experience in composition, but not much formal training. I gather that this student will not want the usual conservatory style approach with it's emphasis on a canon and technique. It makes me wonder if I'm up to the challenge of organizing a very different form of music teaching --- one that is more collaborative, rather than a top-down, expert-student setup.

And I do think I'm up for it, though I'm a bit scared. What would happen if I were no longer to present myself as The Teacher. To me this signals a loss of control. The potential to be overridden due to some perceived inexperience on my part. I'm okay with being wrong, but if because someone doesn't think I know what I'm talking about, it's a whole other issue. But what's so bad about not knowing, anyway? It would mean that I'm open to possibilities, open to seeing what someone else's exercise of power and authority might be like.

I've always been a quiet person, painfully aware that there is an expectation that I speak and contribute. It has always been a challenge for me to feel that I don't want to speak and yet am being pushed to do so. To not speak has been pinpointed with a negative connotation. I am seen as less assertive, and maybe accepting to the point of submission. I worry that if I abandon the role of The Teacher, that I might be seen as a fraud, rather than as a facilitator.

I suppose that being open only works if the potential "receiver" of openness wants it, and is equally open to something unknown or undetermined.

Grad School Dissonances

I cannot believe how long it has been! I've now lost all my old readers, no doubt. What can I say...life has been busy and I guess I haven't had the need to expres myself anonymously. But somehow today, I feel like it.

Yes, I'm in grad school. In a PhD program and it's an interesting thing. I absolutely hate class discussion, but now find myself interjecting. Just today, though I had 2 instances of opposing opinions to what I said. And I didn't offer any further explanation for my original opinion. I don't like making rebuttals. It's already one thing for me to have progressed so far as to speak without overthinking what I'm going to say. Now I am faced with disagreement, which is why I like to overthink in the first place---so I can work out all the possible sides before opening my mouth.

I also realize that part of the problem is that somewhere ingrained in me is a need to have the right answer---get the perfect mark. Though I know this isn't healthy. It's taking so much effort to undo in my own actions.

Okay. That's all for now as I've gotta go get my practice room.

P.S. I never changed my background, and yet my blog has a new one. What the hell?