Some people don't like to hear religious talk, but there's gonna be some to follow. Oh well, whatever.
I've just returned from church and the priest was talking about the image of Jesus as the Shepherd. He knows his sheep and his sheep know his voice.
God knows me through and through and this thought really made me want to cry today. It reminded me that I don't need to be specific, that I need not be scared, that everything that's happening has a reason behind it, even if I don't grasp it. I don't think I could be called incredibly religious, though I work at having faith all the time. And I don't find it easy. I suppose there's something a little sad about God being the only one who knows me through and through, but it honestly helps. I think we all have parts of ourselves that we don't share with anyone else and it's comforting to know that there's something out there (God to me, something spiritual to others, whatever it may be) that I am who I am with.
Religion as a comfort really bothers me. Like it's what people turn to in time of need and it serves no other purpose. It's not true for me. It serves as a source of constant challenge and a backdrop against which I throw all kinds of difficult questions and "sins". There are so many things that the Church believes in that I do not. I am fully aware that humans are behind it, and though they are supposed to be blessed by God, and therefore enlightened, I'm not naive. I know that they, too, are capable of screwing up and being mean and hurtful. I've had one-on-one experience with that. As a result, while I expect a lot from the religious, I am not surprised by the hypocrisy of some (or many?).
I am also incredibly embarrassed by those who would call themselves Christian, and yet, look down on those who aren't. Let's face it, many are born into a religion, or into none at all. They are not to be faulted. I can't even call it a fault. I know so many atheists and agnostics who are so much more accepting, open-minded, generous, thoughtful, genuine, etc., than some Christians I know. I am no better than they are. If God is the Judge of all, and this is what Christians are called to believe, then none of us should judge others, but rather try to understand all. I don't recall God saying that we should force people to believe, though, leading by example and helping people see God is desired. Personally, I don't care what people do as long as they do what they believe to be right by themselves and by others.
Back to the shepherd image...
The priest also mentioned the shepherd who breaks the legs of the lamb who had gone too far astray, or who repeatedly went astray so that he could pick it up and carry it. Such a horrid image! What cruel person would ever do that? But then I thought that that's certainly how I feel now. I feel terribly broken and traumatized (ok, not to the point of psychosis) by the experience of pain. I don't want to hurt again. But maybe I've been broken because I need time out from the world, from the way my life was going. Maybe I need to rediscover who I am and determine my own path. Maybe others in my life need time to themselves too in order to appreciate to a greater extent themselves, and how their lives merge with others.
There was a time when my life was going so smoothly. It was magical. A friend called it "the charmed life". She still believes this is true. I was always thankful for everything, but there was a part of me that doubted how long it would last. I couldn't believe that good things could continually happen to me and that, certainly, bad was sure to follow. The inevitability of this scared me. At times I think this was my mistake, and such a great loss of faith. Perhaps I am now being challenged to see the good signs in my life. To be completely grateful by not thinking that it will go away; to stop denying that God is sending me answers to my prayers (and believe me, I continually see direct answers, but the skeptic in me refuses to accept it as such).
Perhaps the overall lesson is not to second-guess, not to question the good and think, 'why me?', unless it is to think that I am lucky and I should try to help other people, and not to think negatively.
Now, this is not to say that I'm automatically not going to question, that I'm going to be blinded by faith. But I hope that it gives me strength and that I take it as the challenge that it's supposed to be. And also to trust that things will work out for the best. Because if I think otherwise, then there really isn't a point to anything.
Religion or no religion, I have to think that I can create my own good, that there is a reason for everything, but the reason need not be self-serving. The outcome need not be self-serving either. It's not all about me.
