My heart beats fast everytime I think of the possibility of something I've wanted for so long. It appears unreachable, yet possible all at once, and my heart races. I swear, my blood pressure goes up so high.
I'm reading C.S. Lewis' s A Grief Observed. He is surprised to no longer know a man he hadn't seen in 10 years, though he had no reason for thinking that the "facts" he remembered regarding this man were false:
"I had known all these things once and I met them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years."
That's how I feel now. Regardless of the beauty I recall in the moments we shared, I can't imagine him feeling the same after all the time has passed. And yet I feel it. And I feel it's possible of him.
The hardest thing to deal with is the void. The absence of someone who knows you---who sees past the smile that comes so easily. So that you don't have to explain everything from the beginning. So that someone understands that you're not all right. I feel like I have to convince people that I'm not always happy; that complications make my brain go round and round. It truly is a whirlpool.
It's funny how we shield ourselves from love and yet want it so badly. When confronted with the possibiliy, we want to be sure we won't be rejected. And yet, it seems stupid. Why be afraid of something so beautiful? Because we feel awkward when it's not reciprocated. I don't understand, necessarily, why that is. I mean, that if it doesn't go quite right, we get all weird. It's just love.
