What is it about love that creates this stupid longing and the constant thinking anyway. I was thinking that it's really just like a mind habit after a while. Maybe the mind must always be preoccupied with something, and what better way to keep busy than to contemplate something that it can never really know the answer to.
There are people out there who are so obviously in unhealthy relationships, and yet they stay. There seems to be an addictive thing about it. Then came the sad question...is love and the search for it just a habit? Obviously, I don't really believe that, but there are times when the answer seems 'yes' and it's scary.
Think about it. It's a constant feeding into oneself of a mix of emotions. What a fun rollercoaster ride!---anger, jealousy, love, friendship, lust, etc. No wonder we want it so.
We love one, then, somehow, we get over it enough to start looking elsewhere. Which is not to say that a part of someone doesn't continue with us, but I marvel at the ability to continue when something supposedly meant so much. Once, I thought, 'This is it!' "I love you with all my heart, my soul...", and all such effusions. And then it's gone, and I carry on.
But then if it were an addiction, I would not have wanted it before knowing what it is, but I recall a time before all this in which I really felt alone and ready. Or, it could be a case of wanting to try something out that everybody says is so good. But if that were the case, I'd have tried smoking, or pot (Am I the last person who hasn't tried it? I keep turning it down at parties. I think it's coz of questionable sources, like, "eew, your mouth has been on that."), or any number of things.
I just wish the constant thinking didn't accompany it. And this restlessness, wanting to know the outcome. And the seeing someone whom you think is great, but who doesn't seem to see you in that way, but you won't know until you talk about it, but you can't talk about it, coz the fear is too great, but it could be really good, but you don't wanna look stupid, and you don't want it to affect the friendship, you know you have so much in common, and you already support each other, and it's all so logical, but maybe it's bad coz it's logical, but there WERE sparks, and everybody saw, and you're pretty sure you saw, and you wonder why he can't see it and if he'll ever see it and if he EVER saw it, and am I just being dumb? (he's being dumb), but really all you want is to be with him, but is it enough to be friends coz you can't bear to see him with someone else, and you wonder if he's attracted to you, or if the thought of kissing you grosses him out, and if you're like a sister, and then your mind hurts, and you feel like you've known him long enough to know you love him, but wonder if it's really love coz you've felt that before, but you feel so sure, and you search for clues in what he says, coz that's all you got right now, and does he think about you?, think the same thoughts, wish the same wishes, see the same sameness, think of past incredible moments, wonder what would happen if he mentioned it, wonder if you feel it too, and see how truly good it could be?
As usually occurs after I've blogged this stuff, my mind clears enough to think that I should really just freakin' do all kinds of fun things that I wanna do. Take photos, read a whole helluva lot, work on the site, etc. etc. There's SO MUCH to do!!! Youpee!!
I can already feel that it's going to be an awesome summer!
