nothing to complain about

Life's been pretty good lately. I'm not entirely satisfied with my playing, but I do feel a renewed sense of why I'm pursuing it in the first place.

Work's not as hectic, so I'm not terribly stressed.

The only thing I haven't worked regularly into my schedule is reading and breaking (dancing, that is). I think that will come soon enough, though.

I'm also tired from staying up late with B, but I'm only occasionally tired due to that. We're really good at making sure we don't disturb the other when we're doing work. We're also really conscious about getting enough rest.

The thing that scares me once in a while is that this could end unexpectedly. The thought doesn't cross my mind frequently, but when it comes, it can bring me down.

It actually feels more like we've been dating for years and we have reached that comfortable stage where you feel settled and happy. What I wonder, though, is whether, in the absence of that intense romantic sweep that brings couples to think they are "in love", will we acknowledge that we're in it? You know what I mean?...

With someone you haven't known for a long time, you get the butterflies and the heart-flutter, and you think, "He's so perfect! I think I love him." In my case, I love having him around. I miss his presence when I don't fall asleep next to him; and feel strange when I don't see him first thing in the morning. He always wants to see me. In fact, we spend almost every night of the week together. I'd say, on average, 3 of 4 nights a week.

What am I trying to say here?...I worry that in the absence of the "butterflies", we won't recognize whether our feelings have grown. What if he decides to go after that feeling? What if it makes us think that what we have isn't enough?

I love holding him, though, and seeing him brings a smile to my face...a sense of calm.

I do realize that I'm over-thinking here, but these are the thoughts that cross my mind once in a while.

You want to know the truth though? I'm really, really happy. He makes me smile, giggle, and laugh. We kiss and hold each other often. We make sure that we don't lose sight of what's most important to us and that we spend all the time we need doing it. Literally, we spend our time together, doing what we need to do alone. It's not distracting. It may even be keeping us on track.

We're happy, and not all too scared anymore.

that baggage sure can be heavy

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I've got a bit of a cough and, as usual, I don't think I'm playing all that well.

Maybe it's because he didn't return the sentiment in the closing greeting, although I didn't care at first whether he did or not. Honestly, I don't really care about that.

When I have a good look at why, it's because today, I'm reminded that I can't lean on anyone, at least not consistently.

I'm not feeling great about my playing. I'm rather tired. Part of me wants to convince him to come out to my friend's birthday, but part of me doesn't care. (It's at a club, and I hate pretentious clubs myself.) I don't think I would want to be guilted into going somewhere I don't want to go.

So I have come to the conclusion that regardless how great everything is going right now, I'm the only person that can make myself feel good. Only I can improve my playing. Only I can make sure I get enough sleep. Only I can feel confident enough about our relationship so that I don't feel the need to test it.

This whole "only I" thing, though, just reminds me of how fleeting this can all be... that no matter what I put in, there are no guarantees.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the interminable seedling produced by that grain of hurt.

In a way, this is good. It means that I am perhaps feeling more about this than my mind perceives. I was worried that my feelings wouldn't grow. But it also reminds me of how all this can be taken away, and in the end, I have no control. If I have no control, then neither does he. He, too, has been so hurt before that he's unsure of his capacity to love deeply.

If I don't feel that grow in him, I'm going to find it hard to grow as well. But if there's no growth in me, then that will likely be an obstacle to his growth.

So I simply feel caught. And scared. And I want to run, but I want something to stop me.

i'm a sleepy head

I realize I haven't posted in a while. I've been pretty busy at work, dealing with crisis situations for a couple weeks, making my usual work load spill over into hours when I would normally be free. Things have calmed down now, but I'm still finding that my nights are busy.

I need the time to practice and phone and see people.

At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I would like to say that my heart has been calm through all of it.

I find that dating B doesn't make me lose focus. I haven't gotten lost in a euphoric haze, as I did when I first started dating A (i.e. my first boyfriend. I can't remember what letter I used to represent him.)

It feels like we've been dating forever. It has that settled, comfortable feeling despite being new.

I'm still noticing emotional challenges in myself, though. I'll cover that in another post, because my eyes are mad at me for not allowing them to rest.

Good night.

the difference one night can make

Simply. Strangely. Wonderfully.

I'm now dating B.

clutter

So much is occupying space in my head. So much so that I have little patience for people doing stupid things to screw themselves over.

I just don't want to do anything right now that I'm required to do. But I must practice. I'm always so drained. I just don't get it. It doesn't appear to me that I need to really pause. I've been able to handle the work and all its challenges, but I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

This weather's off, too, but at least it's sunny for the moment so that helps. It gives me a boost of energy somehow.

I think of all the people who are going through so much more and who endure nonetheless; and then there's me, with my comfortable life, tired from a day's work. I'm such a wimp.

Hmmm...and obviously I don't go very easy on myself. I should really work harder on that.

What? More hard work? Argh!

persistence

Too much of it equals annoying.

He called four times yesterday and sent me a couple of e-mails. Too much, I tell you. I'm torn between going the subtle route, as technically, everything he has said can be interpreted as something a friend would say. Though crazy calling is a whole other issue.

I picked up the last phone call, not knowing it was him. He kept trying to get me to call him back, but I told him I'd be busy all night.

I decided not to call him back today either. I just don't feel like it. Plus, I hate that I feel pressured to call in case he starts to think I'm mean. I don't even call my very best friends back if I don't feel like talking, unless of course I know they're dealing with something and really need to talk. Besides, if I don't want to call someone, I have every right not to call that person!

Obviously I feel bad. I mean he has tried to contact me A LOT. In fact, I was going to push myself into calling and clarifying the whole thing even if I really just didn't have time to deal with this right now. Then I stopped and realized that...hey, wait a second, who says anyone gets to push me into a phone call or into hanging out?

Screw that yo!

And now I'm sleepy. I think staring into a computer all day is taking its toll on my eyes.

three points connected to make an enclosed figure

Me, him, his friend.

I've been asked out by his best friend. Shit! I'm avoiding the e-mail in which he told me he tried calling me a few times and do I wanna do something sometime and will he get through if he tries calling again?

I alluded to this in one of my entries..."the warm look". Oh no!

I'm really not interested. I've thought about it, picturing whether I could see a cuddle, a kiss, dating. Nothing. I was so flattered by his gaze, especially because I haven't had something that sincere in a long time. But I just can't do it. I'm not interested in him at all.

I can't even talk to...what was I calling him? "B". I can't talk to B because C may not even be talking to him about it. But if I put off answering C for too long, or if I at all seem mean, then I'll be the bitch that hurt his friend.

So, really, it comes down to making references to "friendship" that I hope will not be overlooked.

Seriously, I didn't want this right now. I'm enjoying alone time!!

spring will be here soon, i think

This colour combo matches my mood better these days.

He gave me a beach. In a microwaveable container...sand and shells with the shimmer of water for waves. These were the best shells he could find for that purpose, he said.

I had jokingly asked for one before he left, knowing that it's obviously impossible. It's so sweet and thoughtful and makes me happy. I wish this could mean something. But, of course, we're just good friends, as he decided.

distraction

I have not had any luck getting down to house work today. There's a huge pile of dishes in my sink and, due to a lack of space therein, the dishes...no, I'm onto the bowls now...have decided to spread out onto the kitchen counters and my dining table.

There are a million things I want to do. I did a few of them today...read an issue of Newsweek I've been wanting to read, took some photos, watched reruns of "So You Think You Can Dance" at a friend's house, did 2 loads of laundry, went to church. Still, I want to clean up, but that just seems so boring right about now...Got Mos Def playing right now. Maybe if I dance around, shake my booty, so to speak, while doing dishes, I'll become motivated.

I have determined that there are simply too many things I'm interested in doing that I never feel I've accomplished enough in my day. Looking at my list above, though, I guess I didn't do too badly for getting up at 11:30.

Too bad I've got to go to work tomorrow.

flip the switch

I walked out of someone's room after rehearsing a song and as I walked down the stairs, I had a distinct feeling that something had changed. I could almost smell the scent of a new book's page being turned...You know, that smell that wafts upward when you're reading in a warm room in the summer.

I've been on the upswing this past week. I've smiled to myself a lot with the knowledge that I have a feeling of ownership over my playing...that it's all in my hands. I wasn't going to play for anyone, nor for any evaluation. It was all for me. I thought for a second that I would play for my family and friends who had been there all along for me, but I couldn't get away from the truth...I wasn't playing for any of them.

I walked onto the stage with a smile on my face. There was a rare clarity of mind as I heard the music and saw the keys. Before and after playing I saw the faces of the people that I currently share my life with. I wasn't alone, but I was by myself doing what only I could do.

I also had someone look at me differently yesterday. There was a warmth about the look and though it made me look away because it isn't anything I'm ready to handle, it does make me think of what I could have when I am fully ready.

There's momentum building up and it may very well place me where I'm meant to rest awhile. Like atop some calm plateau with a sunny view...hills and treetops...and the freedom of breath once again.

day of wrath

I've been spilling things...splashes of chai as I stir, paper falling off my scanner into the hard-to-reach corner between the wall and my desk. I started to rinse the conditioner off my hair when I had meant to leave it in for a few minutes. The condensation off the aluminum foil covering the chicken spilled onto the floor as soon as lifted it off the baking pan. Something melted onto my burner...cling wrap? Who the hell knows? It had melted and I could just smell it. I couldn't play the sonata perfectly and as I was playing it at my best for the first time, all 3 of my phones kept ringing...GRRRRRRRRR!!

Little things, little prickly things.

song of the day

COLLIDE
(Howie Day)

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Just a little something I took while on the train last summer.

I've been relishing a couple of days off. I've cleaned my place completely...talk about a tiring task!

I've been rather content, actually. I spent some time with my family and a lot of time by myself. I find that I'm not even thinking about him and we've been really comfortable around each other lately. I see and feel glimpses of the way we were a long time ago.

I feel as though I'm getting to the last stages of having the door open. My arm's getting tired. No, that's not it. More like I've got other things to do, so if he wants to come in, he'll just have to open the door...before I lock it, that is. Otherwise, he'll have to knock, and if I'm having a party, I may not hear him. This is a good thing! But I can't stand the thought of him not being there for the rest of my life. I'm worried that having people between us, i.e other people we become emotionally involved with, will eventually lead us to drift apart. I've been scared of this for a while and nothing has come of it, so perhaps this won't even come to pass. I'm really quite happy with the way our friendship is right now.

Mostly, I find that I can't even bring myself to think about him. There's nothing more to think and nothing more to say. Part of the reason, I think, is because I know I can still count on him to be there for me. I've come to realize that I really, really needed to know that. Maybe I was afraid all along that all this will end our friendship. I had to do a lot of self-convincing.

I've been feeling a deeper sense of calm than I've known in a while and as a result, I even have creative urges coming through naturally once again.

It's all very exciting for me...a taste of that feeling I usually only get in the spring. Could it be that I'm actually starting to experience happiness with myself? Oh my!!

Lovin' it.

round 'n' round

Sometimes, even when you know that there will not be a conclusion to your thoughts. You go there anyway. Play the scene in your head, wonder about what was thought, or think up hypothetical conversations. How did that smile look? Did you see me differently? Did you discover something else?

And some things have no end...bass, and notes, and drums, and footwork, and sweat...and this vast stretch and this deep breath.

oh the toothache i'm getting

It makes me smile.

He left me this message. Jazz. Fucking good jazz. No words, just the music. It made me smile and take in the sun out my window.

I've been thinking that I sure wish I'd come up and see that there's a message from him. And there it was.

He's such a good friend.

been working like a hound dog

It's taking all my energy, physically and mentally, to keep stress at bay. I've exercised my right to delegate a bit...funny how I didn't think of it right away.

My friends are either falling in love or not being successful at finding it. I find it hard to keep in touch and make room for quality conversation, targeting those who need it most first. There are still a couple of dear friends that I haven't contacted in ages!

I can't wait until this busy time is over. I need a massage!

An interesting thing...I find that fighting to keep the stress level down, though a very useful coping mechanism, is actually harder work than just diving in and tackling tasks.

Now I'm off to unwind. And then, to sleep.

silence

Ever have those moments when suddenly you grow quiet? You're fine and having fun in this really calm way, but you become really aware that you are significantly less talkative than you were earlier.

That happened to me tonight and it sucks when someone notices...actually, it only sucks when there are people you don't know very well around. I probably just came off as this strange girl.

Oh well. First impressions will be as they may be.

My ex is now dating someone else. He told me because he thought I should know. Why? Because he thinks I'm waiting for him? No, I think it's more because there is a connection between us that will always be there. We were truly happy. There was romance, passion, and friendship. We even created together. Music and literature played a big role in our connection.

I marvel at the coming together of people and the way that their separation changes them forever. People have a need to touch and come together, but pulling them apart has such terrible effects that I almost wonder whether we were truly meant to get that close. Or, we are, and we're simply meant to hurt, too. Yeah, yeah, get close, real close...oh, but by the way, it's gonna hurt like hell to come apart, so, um, don't know if you you really wanna do that.

Ok...really sleepy now. I feel babbling coming on, so I'll spare you.

change

I have come to realize that I do this strange thing. Lately, for some reason, guys come up to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I have to say I feel strange writing that because it may sound like I'm showing off. But, to be honest, I write about this because it's all new to me. It's really, really flattering! Though I hate to follow through on this thought, I think that my past disappointments have, in a way, made me wonder what exactly it is about me that empowers guys to go away. Seriously, I think that I give them the confidence to go and follow their dreams and leave me alone.

So anyway, back to this strange thing I do...I come home and look in the mirror and try to figure out what angle they see me from and I try to see if I can find what they see. Most times, I think, 'Huh, I do look pretty good tonight.' But of course, I also see the flaws, which I figure most people probably don't even notice despite them being so obvious to me.

I've also been wondering what it is about me lately that catches their attention. You must understand, I can blend in quite well. I might as well be the wall. My friends have always been the ones to turn heads. For a couple of years now, I acknowledge that I've gone out with a dark shade around me. I recall thinking about someone all the time to the extent that I made myself invisible.

But today, as I was looking out my window while drinking coffee and following snowflake paths with my eyes, I found myself quite content. More and more, I'm relishing the freedom of enjoying where I am right now. I look around my apartment and I think, 'Damn! I've got a pretty awesome setup here." I thoroughly enjoy the fact that it's all me right now. My time, my money, my space to move, to think.

I now understand the willful arrest I had put myself under. I don't regret it, but allowing myself the mischief of unbounded thoughts and unbridled possibility takes getting used to after all this time.

There were always things I couldn't do because of my parents' concerns. Then there were my own concerns around losing people. Now, my parents are supportive and the people that mean the most will never be lost. Nothing can stop me now.

I've also taken to listening to music as soon as I wake up again. For some reason, I stopped doing that. I've looked around more and have taken in the sky in a way that I had forgotten---a way that makes me smile. Oh, and that's another thing, I find that I now have a smile on my lips rather than an an expression that says, 'You better not come the fuck near me because you have no idea how much I don't even want to acknowledge that you're coming my way.'

I've had my own space for so long and yet I'm finding that only now am I occupying it so as to take it in. I'm literally breathing more freely. I don't even know if I can describe it well...

I've made room.

muscle

I assembled a rather complicated coffee table today. It took me three hours. I discovered my mistake rather late in the game, but luckily it wasn't that difficult to take pieces apart. Somehow, I managed to keep my patience.

There it is! Done!

While I was screwing in some plastic contraption with tremendous effort (whose purpose I cannot ascertain because it's somewhere under the swivel top), I had to smile at the thought that this would, in the past, have been a typically male task. In fact, the boys in the family would have been doing this were I still living at home. But there I was, with a sheen of sweat and muscular exertion, doing it all by myself. I was very tempted to call him, especially because more strength would have made pushing things together much, much easier; but I rather liked the idea of completing this project that ended up being way more challenging than I thought.

And now I will attempt to regain a normal sleep pattern. Having only gotten 5 hours last night, I think I should fall asleep rather quickly.

I think I'll bring some Either/Or to bed, just in case.

G'night.

a new year!

So obviously, this pic doesn't have anything to do with my post. Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite so obvious.

Haven't felt much like posting lately. And then I did feel like it about a half hour ago and now I sense I'm running out of steam.

I've had a great break this Christmas. It was relaxed and full of food and drink.

Overall, I'd say I feel pretty good about 2005. I'm looking forward to a clearer head this coming year. I've actually felt pretty happy, for the most part, lately. Naturally, the holiday blues hit momentarily.

I simply had to marvel at how hard it is to get over the last guy. I think it's because he's an awesome person and we're still good friends. I have managed to move forward, though, even giving my number to a guy who suggested we do something over the break. I missed the call, though, and there wasn't a message, so of course, I didn't call back.

Part of me doesn't want to try anything with this guy because I would only be doing it to help myself get used to dating. I feel like a bit of a jerk going on dates when I know I want nothing more right now than a few fun nights...light-hearted and full of good food. Is that terrible? The thing is, I know this guy a little. I think that perhaps if I didn't know the guy at all this would be easier. That way, even if he thinks I'm a jerk, it's no big deal because I'll never have to see him again.

But then, I keep thinking, maybe I'm not being such a jerk, dating when I'm not ready for anything serious. I mean, people date for various reasons, right? Not the least of which is getting to know someone new. I just haven't ever dated for the hell of it. Yes, I am rather inexperienced in this regard as I've only gone out with someone I already knew I liked very, very, very much.

I figure that someone just might surprise me when I'm out on one of these "what the hell" dates. I'm thinking about this a lot because I don't want to just use someone to help me believe once more in the possibility of being loved. It's just that, if my heart isn't completely open to something long-term, I'm afraid to disappoint someone who's out there looking for just that.

It sure is funny what loss does to you. I think I'm feeling a rather potent dose and it's not wearing off too quickly. I conjecture that this has to do with the fact that the two people overlapped and no one situation was allowed the room to resolve in comfort.

Once in a while, just when I think it's safe enough to breathe deeply, a strand of memory rises with the intake.