I love playing with my recently acquired digital camera. I can't believe how warm the days are, being in the second week of October. My aim was to put up a pic that was more representative of me somehow. This seemed like the most accurate representation from the number of pics I took yesterday. I had a few options...full colour, accent on the blossoms, or accent on the wood colour. Obviously, I picked this last.

It's got a feel of nostalgia in the shades of gray against the muted colour of the wood. Hmmm...part of me doesn't really want to explain why this feels like the right one to post right now. But, to say just a bit, I do always have a keen sense that everything slips away very, very quickly. I think that because of this knowledge, I'm always grateful for every passing moment. For every not-so-happy moment, too, I know that it, too, will pass. It's not that every present moment is tainted by its passing. On the contrary, I think I see it more fully in that the past is already inherent in it. It contains the elements that make my life richer.

And for all this, I'm truly thankful.

ever wonder what your eyes say?

I was looking into his eyes today (blech! that sounds clichéd) and he told me that I was making funny faces. I asked, "What kind?"

"Like, you're worried that you're so happy."

I had to pause to see if that was true. It was, in a way. I was searching for a clue in his eyes, trying to see whether he's at all concerned that I might be feeling more than he's ready for.

He notices the slightest shift in my expression. And I mean just a tiny eye-movement that I don't think anyone can notice. He amazes me and there are times when he wants to hold me so tight, so that somehow he can absorb me.

Ahhh...the honeymoon period...

We're so lucky. We tell each other that all the time. It's as if all the hurt was worth it and it's our turn.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moods, but we're happy the other is there.

Man, I'm gushing! It's soooo good!

And yet tonight, we're doing things separately. He's hanging out with friends and I'm seeing a classical concert by myself. I like that we still do this!

~end of gushing~

"You make me very, very happy," he said with almost imperceptible emotion as he looked down at his food. I didn't know then how happy he truly felt until he later told me that he almost cried.

I was pretty stressed out from working so much that I couldn't feel happiness to the depth he was feeling it. I also began to think that perhaps I'm more jaded than I thought. That deep down, I'm more emotionally guarded.

But there are times when I want to tell him I love him. Maybe I've grown past the initial realization and now I'm just watching him catch up.

I love it when he smiles so big, like he just can't get over the fact that I'm smiling at him. I want to keep making him that happy.

greetings!

I can't believe it has only been a month since I last posted. It feels like a lot longer.

I've been really busy once again, as prep for the school year takes up all of my days and the greater part of my nights.

I've done quite a bit in this past month, though part of me had wondered what I had actually done all summer. Looking back, I realize that I've managed to do a lot and have had an awesome time.

I went to Florida for a couple of weeks, spent some time at the lake, and took a few afternoons off. So in the end, I'm actually quite satisfied.

Things with B are going really, really well. A couple of nights ago, I opened my eyes drowsily to see him looking at me. I couldn't tell what the look in his eyes was, exactly, because I didn't really open my eyes much, but I could sense the gentleness about his face. I don't know how much time passed before I felt three light kisses on my forehead. I woke up to kisses at various intervals that night.

I have, for the most part, forgotten my fear. There's still a tidbit in me that reminds me that anything can happen to change this, but I find myself just relishing how lucky I am. And of course, the fact that I'm obviously smarter because I always knew this would be a good thing.

I think I should be able to post more frequently after the first couple of weeks of September. Until then, I'm going to be pretty damn busy training staff.

Don't really know how to end this post, except to say that I'm really content...no, happy.

yet another challenge

My mom asked me last week what we're going to do about the religion of the children. What? Isn't it a little too soon?

She figured it might be worth exploring before I get too emotionally involved. But I explained that unless there is emotional involvement, there really won't be any chance to work anything out.

Anyway, thruth is, B and I talked about our religious differences and how it might affect children. I'm Catholic. I'm not hardcore about it, but I do go to church every Sunday. I'm not the best at fasting and abstinence...I have been known to eat meat on Fridays during Lent. I disagree with the Church's stance on many issues, homosexuality, divorce, etc...

But I value the opportunity my parents gave me to believe in God. This faith waivers all the time. I felt it most during my second year of university, as I took philosophy courses that I hoped would logically convince me of the existence of God. None of it worked. All I know is that part of me does believe, another doesn't. I get the same feeling turning my mind to faith as I do when I try to analyze the feeling of "love". The object of thought vanishes and I grasp at traces.

My parents are worried about his being an atheist. He doesn't discount the possibility of a god, in the sense that anything is possible, but he doesn't believe it himself.

My parents worry that it will become more convenient for me to just drop my faith and all its obligations. I assured my mom that it's too ingrained in me. I don't even feel the inconvenience of scheduling things around Church, for example.

I'm worried that they'll never warm up to him completely because in their view, he brings with him the possibility that I won't be married in a church, the possibility that my kids won't be baptized. They are very nice to him, there's no doubt about that. But I wonder what barriers might be there naturally when their daughter's soul is in jeopardy.

I hope I find a priest that, should it ever come to marriage, will see the challenge we face. My mom explained that it's not a real marriage unless both parties believe in the sacrament. The way I see it, I can't see how a benevolent God could deny His blessing to someone who wants it. I don't understand why religion divides when it's supposed to help us live harmoniously. Ironically, "catholic" means "universal". Universal division? Exclusivity? Do I want to be married by a Church that doesn't recognize that there's a diversity of people in the world, and inevitably, good comes even from those who don't have institutional faith?

What good is a faith that only grows within, in the company only of those who share it? If anything, it should inform relations with those who don't have it. It should lead to understanding and inclusivity, not to convert others, but to give one the strength to deal intelligently with the challenges brought about by differences. If this means a modification of beliefs for the sake a genuine union, then why not?

I understand why the Church requires belief from both candidates for marriage. If one doesn't believe, what good is it? But God knows we live in the world. In all its glorious differences.

I nonetheless maintain the hope that, as many times before, my parents will soon see why they don't have to fear differences. Credit to them, they have many times before readjusted their view, their beliefs, because I argued so persistently against them.

Still, I want them to take B in, without reserve. He is such a genuine, kind, and thoughtful person. It hurts me to think that they won't see all of that no matter how beautiful he is, how happy he makes me, and how being with him makes me thrive.

not a question of love

I've been thinking with frustraion about sex lately.

I'm not at the point of being ready yet. Surprise! I've known him for so long and yet I waver.

I used to want to wait until marriage, but years have made me revise this credo. I want to know that someone really, truly loves me before doing that. I thought long and hard about why that is. Is it because, after years of Catholic upbringing, I think it's a sin? No. Most definitely not. I began to ask myself why, then, why wait?

I took the Pill for a little bit a couple of years ago, for another purpose entirely. Suddenly, I knew that I would have sex, given the right guy, and an opportunity that felt right. I realized that the reason behind my wanting to be married first is that I'm afraid of unwanted pregnancy and having to raise a child on my own. Being on the Pill, I found an incredible sense of freedom. So, it wasn't a moral issue, it was fear. I determined that as long as I have someone that I trust loves me, I would have fewer qualms.

I had to get off the Pill, though, because it changed my mood dramatically. As it wasn't imperative that I be on it, I discontinued its use.

I've been thinking about getting back on it, but I have many concerns about its short- and long-term effects. I've done much reading on the subject, even prior to first taking them. I know that the chance of side-effects is low. I'm concerned, however, that in some women, pregnancy may not occur until 6 months to a year after discontinuing the Pill. What if I get off the Pill and I find that it takes longer for me? What if by the time its effects wear off, I'm at an age when the risk of having birth defects is higher?

I was reading the product description on Tricyclen Lo in Jane a couple of weeks ago. One of the health risks that increases with the use of the Pill lasts for 10 years after discontinuing its use. Now, this information was based on studies done with women who used a higher formulation of hormones. Unfortunately, there's no information on the effects of the currently available lower doses.

Point is, is it worth changing my body that drastically? I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, but I'm not sure even she will know what its effects on me will be.

I know there are other forms of birth control. But what if that fails? There's emergency contraception, but that doesn't even prevent conception 100%.

To be honest, I don't know whether I'm blowing these fears out of proportion because of the way I've been brought up. I do know that I'm a logical, reasonable woman. I know that I've done many things that have gone against my upbringing, inciting hurtful arguments with my parents.

I know I'll talk to him about all this. He already knows my concerns through being my friend for years. Regardless of how much we talk about it, though, it will still be my decision and my decision alone. I feel the weight of that responsibility. No matter how much he may understand and empathize, it will still be my body. If something messes up, it will be my baby, my guilt, my worry, my embarassment, my strength.

With all the information available to me, I couldn't at all stomach it should I be confronted with the worst possible scenario...the decision to keep a baby or abort. I already know what my strong inclination is---keep the baby. I could not in any way plead ignorance to the consequences of a decision that I have every opportunity to make with a clear mind and open eyes. But, what if I couldn't possibly raise a child? What then? I don't want to bring up a child in an atmosphere of fear, stress, uncertainty, and with a less-than-probable chance of having a father around.

You know what I wish? That I could feel as sexually free as many, many women I know. They have sex with abandon, it seems. They weather the pregnancy scare and perhaps deem it worth nights of passion. I wish that, like so many women before me, I could just get that prescription, take the Pill, express myself freely.

The only thing that will make me feel that way, it seems, is having a partner who will assure me that he'll be there. Someone who isn't going to take off before the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

I know that even in marriage nothing is guaranteed. What more outside of it, with no assurance of love and the hopeful, maybe even idealistic, vision of "'til death do us part'", though the vision may someday be obscured?

nothing to complain about

Life's been pretty good lately. I'm not entirely satisfied with my playing, but I do feel a renewed sense of why I'm pursuing it in the first place.

Work's not as hectic, so I'm not terribly stressed.

The only thing I haven't worked regularly into my schedule is reading and breaking (dancing, that is). I think that will come soon enough, though.

I'm also tired from staying up late with B, but I'm only occasionally tired due to that. We're really good at making sure we don't disturb the other when we're doing work. We're also really conscious about getting enough rest.

The thing that scares me once in a while is that this could end unexpectedly. The thought doesn't cross my mind frequently, but when it comes, it can bring me down.

It actually feels more like we've been dating for years and we have reached that comfortable stage where you feel settled and happy. What I wonder, though, is whether, in the absence of that intense romantic sweep that brings couples to think they are "in love", will we acknowledge that we're in it? You know what I mean?...

With someone you haven't known for a long time, you get the butterflies and the heart-flutter, and you think, "He's so perfect! I think I love him." In my case, I love having him around. I miss his presence when I don't fall asleep next to him; and feel strange when I don't see him first thing in the morning. He always wants to see me. In fact, we spend almost every night of the week together. I'd say, on average, 3 of 4 nights a week.

What am I trying to say here?...I worry that in the absence of the "butterflies", we won't recognize whether our feelings have grown. What if he decides to go after that feeling? What if it makes us think that what we have isn't enough?

I love holding him, though, and seeing him brings a smile to my face...a sense of calm.

I do realize that I'm over-thinking here, but these are the thoughts that cross my mind once in a while.

You want to know the truth though? I'm really, really happy. He makes me smile, giggle, and laugh. We kiss and hold each other often. We make sure that we don't lose sight of what's most important to us and that we spend all the time we need doing it. Literally, we spend our time together, doing what we need to do alone. It's not distracting. It may even be keeping us on track.

We're happy, and not all too scared anymore.

that baggage sure can be heavy

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I've got a bit of a cough and, as usual, I don't think I'm playing all that well.

Maybe it's because he didn't return the sentiment in the closing greeting, although I didn't care at first whether he did or not. Honestly, I don't really care about that.

When I have a good look at why, it's because today, I'm reminded that I can't lean on anyone, at least not consistently.

I'm not feeling great about my playing. I'm rather tired. Part of me wants to convince him to come out to my friend's birthday, but part of me doesn't care. (It's at a club, and I hate pretentious clubs myself.) I don't think I would want to be guilted into going somewhere I don't want to go.

So I have come to the conclusion that regardless how great everything is going right now, I'm the only person that can make myself feel good. Only I can improve my playing. Only I can make sure I get enough sleep. Only I can feel confident enough about our relationship so that I don't feel the need to test it.

This whole "only I" thing, though, just reminds me of how fleeting this can all be... that no matter what I put in, there are no guarantees.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the interminable seedling produced by that grain of hurt.

In a way, this is good. It means that I am perhaps feeling more about this than my mind perceives. I was worried that my feelings wouldn't grow. But it also reminds me of how all this can be taken away, and in the end, I have no control. If I have no control, then neither does he. He, too, has been so hurt before that he's unsure of his capacity to love deeply.

If I don't feel that grow in him, I'm going to find it hard to grow as well. But if there's no growth in me, then that will likely be an obstacle to his growth.

So I simply feel caught. And scared. And I want to run, but I want something to stop me.

i'm a sleepy head

I realize I haven't posted in a while. I've been pretty busy at work, dealing with crisis situations for a couple weeks, making my usual work load spill over into hours when I would normally be free. Things have calmed down now, but I'm still finding that my nights are busy.

I need the time to practice and phone and see people.

At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I would like to say that my heart has been calm through all of it.

I find that dating B doesn't make me lose focus. I haven't gotten lost in a euphoric haze, as I did when I first started dating A (i.e. my first boyfriend. I can't remember what letter I used to represent him.)

It feels like we've been dating forever. It has that settled, comfortable feeling despite being new.

I'm still noticing emotional challenges in myself, though. I'll cover that in another post, because my eyes are mad at me for not allowing them to rest.

Good night.

the difference one night can make

Simply. Strangely. Wonderfully.

I'm now dating B.

clutter

So much is occupying space in my head. So much so that I have little patience for people doing stupid things to screw themselves over.

I just don't want to do anything right now that I'm required to do. But I must practice. I'm always so drained. I just don't get it. It doesn't appear to me that I need to really pause. I've been able to handle the work and all its challenges, but I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

This weather's off, too, but at least it's sunny for the moment so that helps. It gives me a boost of energy somehow.

I think of all the people who are going through so much more and who endure nonetheless; and then there's me, with my comfortable life, tired from a day's work. I'm such a wimp.

Hmmm...and obviously I don't go very easy on myself. I should really work harder on that.

What? More hard work? Argh!

persistence

Too much of it equals annoying.

He called four times yesterday and sent me a couple of e-mails. Too much, I tell you. I'm torn between going the subtle route, as technically, everything he has said can be interpreted as something a friend would say. Though crazy calling is a whole other issue.

I picked up the last phone call, not knowing it was him. He kept trying to get me to call him back, but I told him I'd be busy all night.

I decided not to call him back today either. I just don't feel like it. Plus, I hate that I feel pressured to call in case he starts to think I'm mean. I don't even call my very best friends back if I don't feel like talking, unless of course I know they're dealing with something and really need to talk. Besides, if I don't want to call someone, I have every right not to call that person!

Obviously I feel bad. I mean he has tried to contact me A LOT. In fact, I was going to push myself into calling and clarifying the whole thing even if I really just didn't have time to deal with this right now. Then I stopped and realized that...hey, wait a second, who says anyone gets to push me into a phone call or into hanging out?

Screw that yo!

And now I'm sleepy. I think staring into a computer all day is taking its toll on my eyes.

three points connected to make an enclosed figure

Me, him, his friend.

I've been asked out by his best friend. Shit! I'm avoiding the e-mail in which he told me he tried calling me a few times and do I wanna do something sometime and will he get through if he tries calling again?

I alluded to this in one of my entries..."the warm look". Oh no!

I'm really not interested. I've thought about it, picturing whether I could see a cuddle, a kiss, dating. Nothing. I was so flattered by his gaze, especially because I haven't had something that sincere in a long time. But I just can't do it. I'm not interested in him at all.

I can't even talk to...what was I calling him? "B". I can't talk to B because C may not even be talking to him about it. But if I put off answering C for too long, or if I at all seem mean, then I'll be the bitch that hurt his friend.

So, really, it comes down to making references to "friendship" that I hope will not be overlooked.

Seriously, I didn't want this right now. I'm enjoying alone time!!

spring will be here soon, i think

This colour combo matches my mood better these days.

He gave me a beach. In a microwaveable container...sand and shells with the shimmer of water for waves. These were the best shells he could find for that purpose, he said.

I had jokingly asked for one before he left, knowing that it's obviously impossible. It's so sweet and thoughtful and makes me happy. I wish this could mean something. But, of course, we're just good friends, as he decided.

distraction

I have not had any luck getting down to house work today. There's a huge pile of dishes in my sink and, due to a lack of space therein, the dishes...no, I'm onto the bowls now...have decided to spread out onto the kitchen counters and my dining table.

There are a million things I want to do. I did a few of them today...read an issue of Newsweek I've been wanting to read, took some photos, watched reruns of "So You Think You Can Dance" at a friend's house, did 2 loads of laundry, went to church. Still, I want to clean up, but that just seems so boring right about now...Got Mos Def playing right now. Maybe if I dance around, shake my booty, so to speak, while doing dishes, I'll become motivated.

I have determined that there are simply too many things I'm interested in doing that I never feel I've accomplished enough in my day. Looking at my list above, though, I guess I didn't do too badly for getting up at 11:30.

Too bad I've got to go to work tomorrow.

flip the switch

I walked out of someone's room after rehearsing a song and as I walked down the stairs, I had a distinct feeling that something had changed. I could almost smell the scent of a new book's page being turned...You know, that smell that wafts upward when you're reading in a warm room in the summer.

I've been on the upswing this past week. I've smiled to myself a lot with the knowledge that I have a feeling of ownership over my playing...that it's all in my hands. I wasn't going to play for anyone, nor for any evaluation. It was all for me. I thought for a second that I would play for my family and friends who had been there all along for me, but I couldn't get away from the truth...I wasn't playing for any of them.

I walked onto the stage with a smile on my face. There was a rare clarity of mind as I heard the music and saw the keys. Before and after playing I saw the faces of the people that I currently share my life with. I wasn't alone, but I was by myself doing what only I could do.

I also had someone look at me differently yesterday. There was a warmth about the look and though it made me look away because it isn't anything I'm ready to handle, it does make me think of what I could have when I am fully ready.

There's momentum building up and it may very well place me where I'm meant to rest awhile. Like atop some calm plateau with a sunny view...hills and treetops...and the freedom of breath once again.

day of wrath

I've been spilling things...splashes of chai as I stir, paper falling off my scanner into the hard-to-reach corner between the wall and my desk. I started to rinse the conditioner off my hair when I had meant to leave it in for a few minutes. The condensation off the aluminum foil covering the chicken spilled onto the floor as soon as lifted it off the baking pan. Something melted onto my burner...cling wrap? Who the hell knows? It had melted and I could just smell it. I couldn't play the sonata perfectly and as I was playing it at my best for the first time, all 3 of my phones kept ringing...GRRRRRRRRR!!

Little things, little prickly things.

song of the day

COLLIDE
(Howie Day)

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Just a little something I took while on the train last summer.

I've been relishing a couple of days off. I've cleaned my place completely...talk about a tiring task!

I've been rather content, actually. I spent some time with my family and a lot of time by myself. I find that I'm not even thinking about him and we've been really comfortable around each other lately. I see and feel glimpses of the way we were a long time ago.

I feel as though I'm getting to the last stages of having the door open. My arm's getting tired. No, that's not it. More like I've got other things to do, so if he wants to come in, he'll just have to open the door...before I lock it, that is. Otherwise, he'll have to knock, and if I'm having a party, I may not hear him. This is a good thing! But I can't stand the thought of him not being there for the rest of my life. I'm worried that having people between us, i.e other people we become emotionally involved with, will eventually lead us to drift apart. I've been scared of this for a while and nothing has come of it, so perhaps this won't even come to pass. I'm really quite happy with the way our friendship is right now.

Mostly, I find that I can't even bring myself to think about him. There's nothing more to think and nothing more to say. Part of the reason, I think, is because I know I can still count on him to be there for me. I've come to realize that I really, really needed to know that. Maybe I was afraid all along that all this will end our friendship. I had to do a lot of self-convincing.

I've been feeling a deeper sense of calm than I've known in a while and as a result, I even have creative urges coming through naturally once again.

It's all very exciting for me...a taste of that feeling I usually only get in the spring. Could it be that I'm actually starting to experience happiness with myself? Oh my!!

Lovin' it.

round 'n' round

Sometimes, even when you know that there will not be a conclusion to your thoughts. You go there anyway. Play the scene in your head, wonder about what was thought, or think up hypothetical conversations. How did that smile look? Did you see me differently? Did you discover something else?

And some things have no end...bass, and notes, and drums, and footwork, and sweat...and this vast stretch and this deep breath.