fractals

I discovered fractal designs on the net ages ago, and I've just found this fractals sight. So pretty!! See link on the right.

what is this place?

At times, I get tired of thinking and a sort of numbness sets in. It's a strange place between not thinking and not feeling, like an erased pencil sketch trace of both in the air, against a light blue backdrop. Why it's light blue, I don't know. I'm powerless in this place, but I need no power either, because no one has it over me here. It's a place of "to each one's own". I can't call for help. I don't want to. No one could reach me. I accept all, and though it doesn't feel right, I look on with unseeing curiosity. I contort my face towards its centre because that's what it does when I cry, but no tears come. What is there to cry for, anyway? I feel the flood of warm liquid to the path that reminds me of the source of tears, but no springs emerge; the hot pressure of thought and emotion mingled, cooled by the near vacuity of this place. I'm trapped by the space in which I am free to move. How do I free myself from an unlocked, unbounded cage?

not perfect

You can't make a perfect offering,
There's a crack in everything,
That's how the light comes in.

- Leonard Cohen

i can't mind read

god! sometimes i think he can see how good we are together and how well i know him, then other times, i think that the link to "therefore, we should give it a try" is missing. unless he's good at hiding it. as good as i am. i'm trying to be slightly more transparent, but maybe being really secretive means that it takes more than transparency.

angry, stressed, wanna hit something

I'm really rather stressed today. The funny thing is, my reaction to being stressed is to just back off and say, "There it is. There's nothing I can do." It's as though my mind has grown completely tired of worrying about things it can't change. It gives up and wonders why it should exert the effort to figure out how to fit in all the things it has to deal with in a day. Essentially, I give up. Or, I want to. I just want to go to bed.

Everytime I try to concentrate, my mind wants to stop. Tonight, though, it wasn't all my fault, I was memorizing stuff really efficiently, though internally doubting whether I could finish all tonight. Then, 3 people knock on my door. I can't turn them away, either.

I've made a decision to get back to work, rather abruptly. I can still get in a good hour.

I feel really lost today, though the space between each lost episode grows wider. I'm making true progress, I think. But I really miss him. I wonder whether he thinks about me. I wonder whether he is so blind to the connection we have...correction, had(?). What if he feels so changed by everything that when he gets back, he isn't the person I knew. Somehow, I doubt that, but it's a possibility. It's a small fear I have that the guy I knew no longer exists.

I woke up this morning thinking how just a few months ago, I was incredibly happy. I would look at the falling leaves and despite the clouds, I smiled because of the strength he brought me with IM or e-mail messages.

I backed off because I needed time to end the other, to be fair to myself and to that relationship. I didn't want to seem too eager, too excited to start something, though my heart would race in the mornings, looking forward to the next message.

I guess that's what I get for playing a "game". What would've happened if I hadn't backed off? If I decided that I didn't care that I seem really eager to talk, just as he did?

Ok. Going to work now before I get angrier at myself for not working.

i can find health in my nose!

mmm...

i can be mean sometimes

I was reading her blog. How the hell can he have gone out with her? I just don't understand it! I mean there are interests that are similar, but on the whole, she can sound rather shallow. To be fair, blogs can only show a certain side to a person, but I just can't seem to find the more substantial side. She sounds really annoying. Fine, fine. I know that a part of me is a bit angry and maybe I'm not being too objective. I do think I am, though, because I'm quite good at being objective. Even when I'm being hurt I can see the other side of things, perhaps to the detriment of the side of me that needs to be angry, even vicious. In this case, nonetheless, I'm only seeing a side which doesn't seem to fit the puzzle.

Was he just lonely? Finding a replacement?

So mind-boggling. So unlike him.

I know that dating is supposed to be about giving people a chance and discovering who fits. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll miss someone because I "know" right away that he's not right. Maybe I should just be giving everyone a chance.

This isn't my style, though. I don't think it's fair, just in case the other person is or becomes truly interested. How long is one supposed to keep at it just in case the person turns out to be the one?

I don't know, I don't know. Don't know which philosophy to adopt. The one that says just keep dating, or the one that feels more me---wait until true interest comes and date only then. I'm sticking to the latter. I wonder if anything will change that. Right now I doubt it. If that's not my inclination, then I'd be dishonest to myself and to him.

down

I feel tired and defeated. Like time and circumstance have robbed me of something truly wonderful. And it's the most hopeless, helpless feeling.

ramble ramble

This blog's been kinda boring later. Sorry to the very few who actually read it. Thanks, though. I just wanted to know what it would be like to have a blog 'coz so many people have one. If you can imagine, I haven't told anyone I have a blog. I figure I'd just see what comes out of it. Could be good for testing ideas, so feel free to comment. I'm quite a private person, so I don't fill in details. Interpret the way you want, ask questions,whatever.

Another school year is coming to a close and I'm graduating! I'm leaving people behind, some of whom I barely know, especially the new faces this year. I wish I could've known them better and learned their stories. That's my regret for the year. Or, half-regret. I really needed time to regroup after everything that happened last year. So, I took what only I could give myself---more time for me to reflect, cry, crumble, build myself up. I tried hard to be there for everyone, though, and for those who came to me for help or a listening ear, I think I was there. People are truly amazing. Even those much younger than myself. Hearing new ideas and seeing their optimism translated into energy helps me remember that I am capable of so much. I've become afraid to commit. Really, I think I've just needed rest from all the go-go-go activity of early university.

So, another chapter is ending. I realized that so much can happen in a few months, let alone a year! So, much. The gravity of this for me cannot possibly be transcribed. In a way, it makes me think that anything is possible. There have been events that I never thought would happen, or at least not for a very, very long time, that have materialized. This makes the future incredibly exciting. This means that even things I get down about could turn out to be dreams realized in the end.

As far as the love interest goes, for those who wonder about that...

We're still friends. I think things feel comfortable and familiar again. I started corresponding in a more honest way, and I think that at the very least, that has made me feel like some questions and thoughts are out of the way. Sadly, though, not thoughts about my feelings...not directly, anyway. But c'mon, it would take an idiot...or, a very good friend who would never assume anything...not to figure it out. Time will tell, time will tell. You can't rush things or else it won't feel natural. That could spell the end of everything, including friendship.

There's so much that I'm going to miss, so much that I wish I could've done, but, no real regrets (of course, I've just contradicted myself). That's ok, though. If I didn't have the "wish I could've" list, there would be a space in my life. I'm good with having it filled with that.

I wonder who's reading this. Hey, whoever reads this, leave me a comment, a thought, even just a 'hello'. Curious to know, vaguely, who might be taking a look. Do you come here because you sense stuff in common? Just wondering.

Good night all! Very, very tired and out of it tonight. I aim to wake up early to practice. Sweetest of dreams!

city wandering

It's an incredibly warm night. Dinner at Everest. I don't know about that pickled Tibetan salad, though. It sure did stink somethin' awful. A little on the bland side, but rather interesting...not palate-tickling enough. A night out with the girls sure can be fun, though. Noticed the cute bartender. It's strange...scratch that...not strange, but different...looking at a cute guy and knowing that I have nothing stopping me from flirting. Not that I do. I mean, he'd have to make the first move. I'm too chicken.

As much as I'm good not kissing him, I think it might be strange kissing someone else.

Anyway. The night is beautiful, the streets slick after the drizzle. People were actually out on the patios! A walk in clubland sure can be fun. The things people wear! Honestly, if you can't walk in stilettos, don't wear them. It's just not hot that way! We weren't dressed for clubland. Wonder what all those guys checking us out were thinking. Maybe something like..."Oh!" (look us up and down), then, dissapointedly, "oh." Ha ha! Yeah that's right! We're a great looking bunch of girls, though. And smart, witty, and funny. Woe on the man that misses us!

ARRRGGH!!

I fucking suck. Give me time and I'll waste it. I guarantee it! How is it 11:45 already? I pay my bills, have breakfast and poof! gone! I was supposed to practice. There goes the time I would've been in class! And who the hell needs 9 hours of sleep?! I could've done with seven, but the fucking snooze button's too easy to press.

Bye

anyone?

if anyone reads the poem below, please do comment. i don't write much poetry and haven't done so in years, so i'd appreciate feedback. good, bad, suggestions, i don't care...anything's acceptable.

is it the spring influence?

I feel rather happy, or content. Not sure why. Nothing has really changed. It's warmer, but there's still a chill in the air. Regardless, I feel like I've got the energy to be productive for a change.

I feel a closeness to the one past. That's not surprising. It's interesting, though, seeing the type of love change. I feel a connection and a comfort with the thought of him, with hints of nostalgia and a definite smile. Already, the idea of physical intimacy is gently being eroded by time. I'm okay with that. It is strange. There was a time when I couldn't imagine life without him. And yet, here I am---happy, even. And I wonder what it would be like to kiss him again. There would be something of a strangeness to it, I think. Like something unknown had been inserted between us and we'd be kissing through that. It would be more like an observant kiss, relating the past to the present. I think we may actually be able to be friends someday.

And the possible other feels comfortable, yet distant. I think the distance has to do not just with place but with quality of communication, which is still pretty good, and quite constant, but has a different feel---familiar, but maybe lacking a degree of substance. And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it.

a poem

coalesce


a snowflake kissed my lip
surprising precision

force of nature and time
steady step and upward gaze

fate and free will conspire

cold perfected symmetry
made abstract
in the warmth of ecstasy's sigh

things that make me happy

This blog makes it sound like all I ever think about is this guy crap. Really, that's not all there is to me. So, here's a list of things that make me happy.

- the sky, especially at dusk, when the different gradations of colour transform red orange to midnight blue
- the way babies' fingers curl around my finger by instinct, as part of their desire to learn, it seems
- the smile of a child who finds something in my face to smile about
- puffy, marshmallow clouds
- that particular azure of the sky on a sunny, balmy, cloudless day
- making people understand a piece of music through the way i play it
- delicious, juicy, poetry (e.g. Pablo Neruda)
- random thoughts
- homestarrunner cartoons
- my family!
- my friends!
- the knowledge of what passion feels like
- montreal smoked meat
- watching gilmore girls with my family
- stream-of-consciousness-type conversations with friends
- dancing when no one is watching, including headbanging
- COFFEE!
- a bubbly bath
- scented candles
- Chopin
- singing
- overcoming stupid fears, like breaking in front of people
- the violin
- knowing that someone has processed what i've said and was helped by it
- discovering the everyday magic that people see in seemingly mundane things
- sitting in a pub with friends
- "first nice day"
- good memories
- my dad's cute puns
- the way my mom and dad hold hands in the mall, the way my mom hugs my dad on the couch, the way they argue about petty things (just like school kids), the way my dad follows my mom upstairs when she's upset and kisses his (and our) way back into her good graces
- that photo of my mom and dad a few Christmasses ago, looking into each other's eyes (my mom a little shyly and my dad playfully), about to kiss
- the way my friends are ALWAYS, ALWAYS there for me
- the weirdness of my friends
- gloomy bear
- taking photos
- Amelie
- the thought of falling in love
- a really, really good book
- free time
- learning
- plants, flowers
- the way my flowering plants are in bloom again---even my 4-year old chrysanthemum (and you thought they were once-only plants from the grocery store!)
- the way my aunt pees her pants if she laughs too hard
- laughing 'til my tummy hurts
- cute stuffed animals
- mind-boggling music
- puzzles
- sunshine
- the moon (and a special place in my heart for a just-before-full moon)
- tori amos
- contemporary piano music
- performing
- confusing people
- getting dressed up for a night on the town
- putting on make-up (which doesn't take me very long at all)
- feeling good
- miss vickie's jalapeno, and sweet chili and sour cream chips
- new electronics
- getting fun e-mails
- the thought of going to europe
- good talks with my brothers
- thai food
- a nice, plump, red, juicy tomato
- seeing someone genuinely having a great time
- hearing taiko drumming
- the feel of a really velvety blood red rose
- glimpses of what it feels like not to care what people think
- that wonderful space where your mind is clear and it seems like your inner sense of feeling is all you've got to go on, a sort of lightness of being
- the way it feels when i believe God has given me a special gift
- Lindt orange chocolate
- being happily drunk, that slightly "swimmy" feeling your head gets
- foot baths
- jasmine and its smell
- hiking way up, up
- those rare moments when i feel like i'm the shit
- the intimate warmth you feel when a special body gets to that specific point of closeness to yours, before contact
- "darkness" - a word i use to describe all those inexplicable feelings or places where it seems only your soul or mind exists
- dark red, sweet, small, perfect strawberries like those that once grew in a small section of the backyard of our old house
- my cousin joe
- people who are really comfortable with themselves
- generosity
- being genuinely appreciated
- cognac
- carefree laughter and energy on a spring day (hell, any day!)
- the impenetrable green of leaves backlit by sunlight
- stars
- shooting stars
- the thought of being up among the highest peaks in the mountains of maolin, taiwan
- the smell of newly published books
- the smell of just-out-of-the-washer-and-dryer clothes
- "mud" - as in crushed, chocolate birthday cake
- the surge of energy, especially when able to use it by jumping or hitting something (not in anger) for the sheer force of being alive
- yellow freesias
- a very ripe black plum, its juices dripping from my lips and running down my arm

That was fun!! I think I'll add to this list if more things come to mind.

hmmm...maybe that's why...

I've just had some friends over. We were reading something he wrote and we laughed about how super ridiculous and melodramatic everything sounded. It dawned on us that this was not the guy we knew and loved. He had changed. I attributed it to his being stuck in his head too much, confined to his own box. Maybe that's why he seems so distant and things don't feel the same. But maybe we're being unjust. I think I've gotten caught up, too, in his inner world, through this limited medium. It took our laughter over the elementary qualities of some of his lines to make me realize that.

Wonder what he'll be like when he gets back.

sunshine doesn't help

I feel like he doesn't see me, though he once did. I'm sure of it.

Did you forget how connected we were before you left? The way we'd laugh before knowing the joke only to find out that it was the same one? We both knew that the sky held more secrets than people knew and that behind the laughter and ease, there were details we could see but were not allowed to know. How soon you've forgotten the care we so naturally took to make sure the other wasn't sad. Spring was when we were talking, pushing each other playfully. Have you already forgotten that we ran to each other because we knew we'd understand?

And now you don't see me. You've forgotten it all and have gotten caught up in a momentary connection that even you knew couldn't be sustained. And now you're searching for someone to know you in the depth of darkness. But you see, you have to want to know the other's darkness too, not just want them to know yours. If only one is searching, you may bump into the other, but she'll have her back turned, or her profile to you. Look for the one who's willing to see you in all the convoluted, chaotic ways that you are---the one who wants you to turn around and to look into your eyes and speak mutely in order to breathe and feel that darkness.

must stop

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep going on the internet, wasting time. I should be practicing. Sometimes, I don't even have anything in particular to look at on the net, but I stare anyway. It's as if I'm searching for some kind of answer and I expect it to jump out at me somehow. As if this will link me to some omniscient being, a sage, who will enlighten me.

easier said than done

I've got to let them both go, I was thinking today in the library. One of them I have. The other not yet, because of all the "but maybes". I can't change anything right now though, so I keep guessing motives and I can't know yet.

C.S. Lewis was saying that maybe God can't help people who are screaming, so desperate. It's like trying to help a drowning person who's panicking too much to be able to grasp the branch being held out. "Knock and it shall be opened" doesn't work if you come to the door yelling, kicking, and screaming. Would you open a door to someone who sounds so angry and downright scary? I wouldn't.

He has a point. Whenever I let go, that is, stop thinking, observe the life around me enough to enjoy it, good things seem to happen to me. Coincidence? Who knows.

i like being drunk

DRUNK AS DRUNK

Drunk as drunk on turpentine
From your open kisses,
Your wet body wedged
Between my wet body and the strake
Of our boat that is made out of flowers,
Feasted, we guide it -- our fingers
Like tallows adorned with yellow metal --
Over the sky's hot rim,
The day's last breath in our sails.

Pinned by the sun between solstice
And equinox, drowzy and tangled together
We drifted for months and woke
With the bitter taste of land on our lips,
Eyelids all sticky, and we longed for lime
And the sound of a rope
Lowering a bucket down its well. Then,
We came by night to the Fortunate Isles,
And lay like fish
Under the net of our kisses.

- Pablo Neruda (transl. by W.S. Merwin)