still blue

I've been really run down lately. I've had a month and a half straight of work and piecing together things that people have torn apart. I'm tired.

My brain can't take anymore decision-making. I feel this tension inside. I wasn't doing so well today (That's funny I meant to say 'I was doing so well today. Interesting slip, that.). It started with a massage, lunch, a long bath, net surfing, then a piano concert.

I was walking with B and really enjoying the night. For the first time in a long time, I was all there, not with my brain tracing multiple paths in my head. I suggested that perhaps we could have a tea. He said perhaps I could call my friends to see what they're up to. But I didn't want to stay out later than I want. "So you just want a quick tea, then."

"Yup."

"I kinda want to do something, I just don't know what".

"Aww..now I feel bad. I just don't want to see people."

"That's okay. Don't feel bad. You feel bad too easily."

"Well. I didn't react the way I was supposed to. I feel mean not wanting to see anyone, but I see people everyday and have to solve their problems, whether I want to or not. I just don't want to see any more people."

"I guess that's the difference. I work alone, so I want company."

"I'd be just as happy alone. Why don't you call your friends. Call C, he called you today."

So he called C. And I immediately felt terrible for suggesting it, because what I really wanted to do was continue to hang out with him on this "date". But there it was, my own demise. And from that point on, I just wasn't as happy. I found it hard to respond to his little quips.

"So no coffee or tea then, huh?"

"No. I'd get there too late if I did."

"But you'll be late tonight anyway."

"Yeah, that's true."

I told him that wish I hadn't made the suggestions so quickly because I immediately knew that I wanted to hang out with just him. He said that he had already been thinking about hanging out with the guys anyway.

So we parted ways and he noticed a tear in my eye, which he wished wasn't there. But I said that it's okay. It's all my fault.

But I can't help feeling badly. I had the wrong idea about tonight. I thought that it was going to be just us. Though I can certainly see his side of it...our concert ended and we could do what ever we wanted. Plus I had already suggested this, adding that I'd just be as happy alone.

I wish I didn't react like the martyr. I think my mood was dampened a bit once this conversation started and it was all downhill from there.

I wish I weren't so moody, especially lately.

this little pill

So here I am, wondering whether I should just go ahead and use the Pill. The last time I used it for acne, I discovered that it made me pretty depressed. I felt like crying in the middle of the work day, though my job entailed advising anyone who walked in and my desk was the first thing anyone would see. So, I stopped taking it and my emotions returned to their usual even state.

Now, I'm wondering whether I should just take the plunge. Many women have, I know. It's this new Pill I'm thinking of taking, with drospirenone. I've been doing a lot of reading about it, as I did with the previous pill, as I'm fully aware that this will be completely voluntarily taken on my part. I'm not sick and I don't need medicine. It's not like this will help my health.

Despite the risks, though I have read that they are extremely rare, unless one has a propensity for them, I find myself really wanting to take it. The way I figure it, in a few years, it will be best for me not to take the Pill. This may be the only time that I can just enjoy sex and not worry about spacing children out, or my body not being able to take it.

What's the alternative? Well, I know they're out there...IUD, the Ring, condoms., etc. I don't want to keep something in my uterus. The idea makes me uncomfortable. Condoms break, it has happened to people I know. There is no way in hell I can get pregnant.

At the same time, old, well-ingrained words from my parents and from school tell me that I need to simply have self-control (or in reality, do everything but, if you know what I mean). On the other hand, I want to know what it's like to fully experience a relationship.

In the past, I never even considered this. I would get physical, but I was too worried that I would be heartbroken and the pain would be to great if I give all I have. Now, I have been heartbroken. I still feel the effects every now and again. Regardless of what I give physically, I know I will hurt deeply. Do I really want to live my life never knowing what it's like to take someone in completely?

I used to be this person who did what was "right". It was a very rigid "right" that I held to with regard to my own conduct. I didn't think less of people who thought and did things differently, I simply knew what I would and would not do.

Here I am, grown up and making my own decisions, and it's really difficult. I liked the younger person that I was that had clearly drawn lines around her. She was happy and people always knew she would do the "right" thing.

I still like the person I am and the various facets I have discovered, and my ability to change. But, the person I am now has smudged lines about. I understand people and complications more, but it doesn't bring me closer to what I should do.

Faced with the decision to alter my body, the way it naturally works, so drastically, I'm not sure which is the right way.

I love having my period on time every month. I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my ability to have healthy children, should that opportunity arise. The doctor assures me that I'm not predisposed to any fertility complications later on. But I do worry that so much is still unknown about the Pill, despite it being so widely and intensively studied. For example, with this pill I'm considering, one child was born with esophagial atresia, though a causal relationship with this pill is unknown. Thirteen other children were just fine, so I'm probably over-worrying. But there's always the "what if?"

So, I will keep thinking and weighing the pros and cons. One may argue that for me simply not to have sex is unrealistic. But, seriously, if you knew me, you'd know that I could do it. So the real question is whether I want to, whether I'm ready for the more intense part of this relationship. Is this worth changing my body for? Is it worth risking the adverse, though rarely experienced, effects of synthetic hormones? What am I missing here? Anything? Deep down, I know that even if I choose not to do this, my relationship will not suffer. There aren't any pressures put upon me, and yet, here I am, with a real want to experience.

There is no one else to do this for but me. The trouble is, I, too, will be fully responsible for all that happens to my body.

little girl

This always happens before I leave my family home...we get snippy with each other. I realize that this is because my parents are going to miss me, especially because it usually takes some time before I go home again. So, they're sensitive, and I'm sensitive, because I know they want me to stay longer, but I can't. I hate the feeling that I'm making them less than happy.

But before leaving yesterday, I got really pissed off at my dad. You see, I don't drive very often. So, everytime there's no one else able to drive, or as soon as there's a car situation to sort out, such that someone needs to go somewhere, but obviously, I would need to drive, my dad pulls out the "but you haven't driven in a while card." We're not talking highway driving here, we're talking 10, 15 minutes in the burbs. Seriously. I'm not stupid. I haven't forgotten how to drive. I can still make judgements about whether to change lanes or not.

It really angers me because I know that someday, I will have to drive whether I like it or not, and that someday will be under the same not-driving-in-a while condition.

I don't know why that is, exactly. An outsider might say it's because girls were generally driven around in my dad's day. It is perhaps true. But part of me doesn't believe this, because both my parents have always raised me to believe that I can do absolutely anything I want, that I can achieve anything.

Basically, I don't get it. And I become so unbelievably angry sometimes that I want to punch something. Especially because there's this irrational fear that I'm going to get into an accident. Especially becuase there was never an issue with my brothers driving. Though, they say, the reason for this is because they drove my parents around as practice. I did that too, of course, while I lived at home. Then I get, "But that was a long time ago." I grit my teeth so hard, they threaten to pop out of my mouth.

Anyway, the point of all this is that, as I told my dad, I was sure glad to leave yesterday. Though we didn't have arguments throughout the holidays, the last couple of days did try my patience sometimes. There's only so much of the little girl treatment that I can take. I don't like having to wait until someone can drive me somewhere. I don't like not being able to get up and leave whenever I want (wasn't an issue this time, though). Don't like keeping my mom up until I come home. I then don't like the ensuing argument that would inevitably come up that basically suggests that I don't care that I'm making them worried and keeping them up. Man, all those reasons that let me know it was time to move out are rushing back!

But really, I loved Christmas. I love my family. And part of me didn't want to leave. My parents are so much more than the picture I've given above. I don't want to give off the wrong impression. They gave up literally everything for me and my brothers. They have shown me strength that I rarely see in the people around me. And they will always be there, no matter how much I provoke them with "unconventional, 'free-thinking' ideas". But you know what, I feel free to express these ideas, and we argue heatedly. That's what I love...They bug the hell out of me sometimes, but we give and take words with passion.

Still, I'm not a little girl anymore. Funny how they forget.

i miss Christmas

I'm back at my place, and oddly, it seems a bit too familiar. Already, I dread the call of stress---I've got that tense feeling I get, like when I'm avoiding a call that I know will come through the line.

A new year...I'm definitely at a different place now. Who would have thought, a year ago, that B and I would be together? I had pretty much given up hope, though I obviously didn't want to let it go. But there he was with me on New Year's Eve. I was surrounded by family and friends. It has definitely been the best New Year's in a while.

What do I hope for this year? That I find time to relax, so that I can fully enjoy all the great things that are happening in my life. Part of me isn't quite basking in the glow of it all because I know that it can all fall apart. I don't want to look away, to grow complacent, just in case I miss the signs. I want to be able to prevent anything from going bad. This year, that's my goal. I want to divide work and play even better and not care so much that someone might think that I'm not doing enough at my job. I want to just be able to say, "Oh well, that's the best I can do for you" and not feel like I've let someone down. I have found that if I'm not able to say this, the people I love the most will feel it a lot more. And really, they are the ones I'm most accountable to, the ones who have been there and will continue to be there, no matter what happens with work.

All this goes hand in hand with letting go. I've been too watchful and therefore too tense. But when I've thought about it, I really do have everything I could want. It's not perfect, there are things to strive for, but there isn't anything I want.

Sometimes I wonder, whether in the sadness and struggle of the previous years, I have forgotten how to simply let things be. I need to remember to trust myself and to be confident that I'll know what to do with whatever situation comes my way. To be honest, there are still periods when I just can't seem to get excited about anything; like I've gotten used to a stillness that I have now come to recognize as a kind of "oh well" state of being.

But I no longer want to just let all this good around me keep passing by, nor any of the not-so-good. I desperately want to just feel all the good feelings without that veil of scepticism. I want to believe, once again, that life can be good and impossibly wonderful, and that I can feel impossibly lucky and happy again.

So that's my aim for the new year. I think everyone around me will be better for it too.

now it's late

Geez. I've been trying to connect with this new Google thing. But I'm blogging on my Palm, which I think made things take a bit longer.

It's pretty comfy, though, blogging from my bed.

I really don't have too much to say now, unfortunately. I'm pretty sleepy. I'll be getting up in about 7 hours to go to lunch with B's family.

Too bad, because prior to this sleepy-headedness, I'm sure I had some blogging ideas.

Still really happy. I think I'm finally allowing myself to get carried away. I get these swells of feeling every once in a while...that feeling of falling, though more carefully this time. I'm feeling it, though, despite my fears. Oh yeah, you better believe they're still there, lurking in the background. But lately, I can't stop looking at him, in this wide-eyed way that I haven't allowed myself.

Soon there will be a reflection of the year, I'm sure of it.

Hmmm....I wonder whether I'll like this new blogger setup.

always busy

I realize that I don't post too often. Basically, I work 9 to 5 then play the piano for a couple hours, eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed. Once in a while, I do something active, like go to a drop-in dance class or run on the treadmill.

There doesn't seem to be much time for anything else. And by anything else, I mean something that could be seen as useless...like watching TV, surfing the net, blogging. I do think I lack thinking time. Something that blogging and being on my on own affords me.

B is over a lot. He'll do his thing while I practice, and it's actually a great motivator for both of us to be creative---an accountability of sorts---We do our individual work together and then hang out for a bit at around 11 at night, then go to bed.

I've actually been really stressed out lately. I'm stressed about being stressed.

Let me explain.

I come home with a list of tasks that I need to complete for the night. B suggests something fun to do. I think I can do it, but realize that I can't, because I'll have to go to bed soon. So, a movie that starts at 11 p.m., for instance, is pretty much out of the question. I would much rather read to clear my head of the day's thoughts. Then, I feel bad, because I can't hang out with him. Suddenly, the pressure of one task after another, with no time to just sit and think, really weighs down on me. I don't want B to have to experience me this way. (And it has been happening quite a bit recently.) So, I get even more stressed out because I'm worried that he'll someday get tired of this emotional business, and there really isn't anything I can do about it.

But he says that he doesn't mind at all; the degree to which I make him happy outweighs any moments he spends dealing with my stress.

I think a lot of this has to do with adjusting to the fact that there's another person here all the time. I can't hide how I'm feeling. I used to be able to, but I no longer see the point. Like me for who I am and all my emotions, I say. But I am always aware of what my effect is on others. This gets to me sometimes, actually. I am so incredibly self-aware in most cases that I'm always analyzing what impact I may be having on others. And it causes quite a bit of tension in my head. It's really quite tangible.

So, I'm practicing letting the worry go. I'm trying to put myself out there in the way I act and in what I say, with much forethought, and with no fear of having to defend myself.

And that's hard for me. I always want to see all sides before speaking. I'm careful to cultivate tone and impression. Frankly, it's stressful. A part of me wants to say "Fuck it. You worry about how you perceive me. This is how I'm coming off, whether you like it or not".

Those who know me well would say that there really isn't much danger in my being negatively provocative. I'm a really nice and thoughtful person.

Yeah, I guess I am, but I'm that way because I'm constantly thinking of how others might feel about something I say or do. And I just want a break from thinking. I really, really do. I want to stop being the one that makes sure everything goes smoothly for others (yup, that's part of my job). I feel like just sitting back and having someone else grapple with things. The only thing is, you can bet that I'll be called in anyway to see what help I can offer.

To be proactive or reactive?

A bit of both...a balance. That's what I'm trying to achieve.

listless

I kinda feel like I've used that as a title already.

Well, I officially have nothing to complain about. Life is pretty much near-perfect, though not without its everyday small challenges. It has made me realize that there is no reason for me to feel unhappy, no reason for me to lack the energy or any desire to do things.

All this leads me to think that maybe I have a mild case of depression. In the past I always had something to attribute it to. But perhaps I felt more emotional strain because this has always been with me?

You know those little self-diagnosis tests that tell you whether you may be depressed. Well, in the past, I have qualified. I'm still able to push myself to do what I need to do, but in an almost zombie-like manner. I can still put up an act and smile through it all when in front of people.

I can't seem to match B's enthusiasm sometimes, and I feel terrible. I must be somewhat difficult to cheer up right now.

Or maybe it's just a case of the blahs due to the shortened daylight hours. I don't know. I'm just surprised by this little discovery that I still feel down when I have no rational reason to feel that way. Moods are moods, but this has been going on for at least 3 weeks now.

I'm still hoping I can fight it off. We'll see.

I love playing with my recently acquired digital camera. I can't believe how warm the days are, being in the second week of October. My aim was to put up a pic that was more representative of me somehow. This seemed like the most accurate representation from the number of pics I took yesterday. I had a few options...full colour, accent on the blossoms, or accent on the wood colour. Obviously, I picked this last.

It's got a feel of nostalgia in the shades of gray against the muted colour of the wood. Hmmm...part of me doesn't really want to explain why this feels like the right one to post right now. But, to say just a bit, I do always have a keen sense that everything slips away very, very quickly. I think that because of this knowledge, I'm always grateful for every passing moment. For every not-so-happy moment, too, I know that it, too, will pass. It's not that every present moment is tainted by its passing. On the contrary, I think I see it more fully in that the past is already inherent in it. It contains the elements that make my life richer.

And for all this, I'm truly thankful.

ever wonder what your eyes say?

I was looking into his eyes today (blech! that sounds clichéd) and he told me that I was making funny faces. I asked, "What kind?"

"Like, you're worried that you're so happy."

I had to pause to see if that was true. It was, in a way. I was searching for a clue in his eyes, trying to see whether he's at all concerned that I might be feeling more than he's ready for.

He notices the slightest shift in my expression. And I mean just a tiny eye-movement that I don't think anyone can notice. He amazes me and there are times when he wants to hold me so tight, so that somehow he can absorb me.

Ahhh...the honeymoon period...

We're so lucky. We tell each other that all the time. It's as if all the hurt was worth it and it's our turn.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moods, but we're happy the other is there.

Man, I'm gushing! It's soooo good!

And yet tonight, we're doing things separately. He's hanging out with friends and I'm seeing a classical concert by myself. I like that we still do this!

~end of gushing~

"You make me very, very happy," he said with almost imperceptible emotion as he looked down at his food. I didn't know then how happy he truly felt until he later told me that he almost cried.

I was pretty stressed out from working so much that I couldn't feel happiness to the depth he was feeling it. I also began to think that perhaps I'm more jaded than I thought. That deep down, I'm more emotionally guarded.

But there are times when I want to tell him I love him. Maybe I've grown past the initial realization and now I'm just watching him catch up.

I love it when he smiles so big, like he just can't get over the fact that I'm smiling at him. I want to keep making him that happy.

greetings!

I can't believe it has only been a month since I last posted. It feels like a lot longer.

I've been really busy once again, as prep for the school year takes up all of my days and the greater part of my nights.

I've done quite a bit in this past month, though part of me had wondered what I had actually done all summer. Looking back, I realize that I've managed to do a lot and have had an awesome time.

I went to Florida for a couple of weeks, spent some time at the lake, and took a few afternoons off. So in the end, I'm actually quite satisfied.

Things with B are going really, really well. A couple of nights ago, I opened my eyes drowsily to see him looking at me. I couldn't tell what the look in his eyes was, exactly, because I didn't really open my eyes much, but I could sense the gentleness about his face. I don't know how much time passed before I felt three light kisses on my forehead. I woke up to kisses at various intervals that night.

I have, for the most part, forgotten my fear. There's still a tidbit in me that reminds me that anything can happen to change this, but I find myself just relishing how lucky I am. And of course, the fact that I'm obviously smarter because I always knew this would be a good thing.

I think I should be able to post more frequently after the first couple of weeks of September. Until then, I'm going to be pretty damn busy training staff.

Don't really know how to end this post, except to say that I'm really content...no, happy.

yet another challenge

My mom asked me last week what we're going to do about the religion of the children. What? Isn't it a little too soon?

She figured it might be worth exploring before I get too emotionally involved. But I explained that unless there is emotional involvement, there really won't be any chance to work anything out.

Anyway, thruth is, B and I talked about our religious differences and how it might affect children. I'm Catholic. I'm not hardcore about it, but I do go to church every Sunday. I'm not the best at fasting and abstinence...I have been known to eat meat on Fridays during Lent. I disagree with the Church's stance on many issues, homosexuality, divorce, etc...

But I value the opportunity my parents gave me to believe in God. This faith waivers all the time. I felt it most during my second year of university, as I took philosophy courses that I hoped would logically convince me of the existence of God. None of it worked. All I know is that part of me does believe, another doesn't. I get the same feeling turning my mind to faith as I do when I try to analyze the feeling of "love". The object of thought vanishes and I grasp at traces.

My parents are worried about his being an atheist. He doesn't discount the possibility of a god, in the sense that anything is possible, but he doesn't believe it himself.

My parents worry that it will become more convenient for me to just drop my faith and all its obligations. I assured my mom that it's too ingrained in me. I don't even feel the inconvenience of scheduling things around Church, for example.

I'm worried that they'll never warm up to him completely because in their view, he brings with him the possibility that I won't be married in a church, the possibility that my kids won't be baptized. They are very nice to him, there's no doubt about that. But I wonder what barriers might be there naturally when their daughter's soul is in jeopardy.

I hope I find a priest that, should it ever come to marriage, will see the challenge we face. My mom explained that it's not a real marriage unless both parties believe in the sacrament. The way I see it, I can't see how a benevolent God could deny His blessing to someone who wants it. I don't understand why religion divides when it's supposed to help us live harmoniously. Ironically, "catholic" means "universal". Universal division? Exclusivity? Do I want to be married by a Church that doesn't recognize that there's a diversity of people in the world, and inevitably, good comes even from those who don't have institutional faith?

What good is a faith that only grows within, in the company only of those who share it? If anything, it should inform relations with those who don't have it. It should lead to understanding and inclusivity, not to convert others, but to give one the strength to deal intelligently with the challenges brought about by differences. If this means a modification of beliefs for the sake a genuine union, then why not?

I understand why the Church requires belief from both candidates for marriage. If one doesn't believe, what good is it? But God knows we live in the world. In all its glorious differences.

I nonetheless maintain the hope that, as many times before, my parents will soon see why they don't have to fear differences. Credit to them, they have many times before readjusted their view, their beliefs, because I argued so persistently against them.

Still, I want them to take B in, without reserve. He is such a genuine, kind, and thoughtful person. It hurts me to think that they won't see all of that no matter how beautiful he is, how happy he makes me, and how being with him makes me thrive.

not a question of love

I've been thinking with frustraion about sex lately.

I'm not at the point of being ready yet. Surprise! I've known him for so long and yet I waver.

I used to want to wait until marriage, but years have made me revise this credo. I want to know that someone really, truly loves me before doing that. I thought long and hard about why that is. Is it because, after years of Catholic upbringing, I think it's a sin? No. Most definitely not. I began to ask myself why, then, why wait?

I took the Pill for a little bit a couple of years ago, for another purpose entirely. Suddenly, I knew that I would have sex, given the right guy, and an opportunity that felt right. I realized that the reason behind my wanting to be married first is that I'm afraid of unwanted pregnancy and having to raise a child on my own. Being on the Pill, I found an incredible sense of freedom. So, it wasn't a moral issue, it was fear. I determined that as long as I have someone that I trust loves me, I would have fewer qualms.

I had to get off the Pill, though, because it changed my mood dramatically. As it wasn't imperative that I be on it, I discontinued its use.

I've been thinking about getting back on it, but I have many concerns about its short- and long-term effects. I've done much reading on the subject, even prior to first taking them. I know that the chance of side-effects is low. I'm concerned, however, that in some women, pregnancy may not occur until 6 months to a year after discontinuing the Pill. What if I get off the Pill and I find that it takes longer for me? What if by the time its effects wear off, I'm at an age when the risk of having birth defects is higher?

I was reading the product description on Tricyclen Lo in Jane a couple of weeks ago. One of the health risks that increases with the use of the Pill lasts for 10 years after discontinuing its use. Now, this information was based on studies done with women who used a higher formulation of hormones. Unfortunately, there's no information on the effects of the currently available lower doses.

Point is, is it worth changing my body that drastically? I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, but I'm not sure even she will know what its effects on me will be.

I know there are other forms of birth control. But what if that fails? There's emergency contraception, but that doesn't even prevent conception 100%.

To be honest, I don't know whether I'm blowing these fears out of proportion because of the way I've been brought up. I do know that I'm a logical, reasonable woman. I know that I've done many things that have gone against my upbringing, inciting hurtful arguments with my parents.

I know I'll talk to him about all this. He already knows my concerns through being my friend for years. Regardless of how much we talk about it, though, it will still be my decision and my decision alone. I feel the weight of that responsibility. No matter how much he may understand and empathize, it will still be my body. If something messes up, it will be my baby, my guilt, my worry, my embarassment, my strength.

With all the information available to me, I couldn't at all stomach it should I be confronted with the worst possible scenario...the decision to keep a baby or abort. I already know what my strong inclination is---keep the baby. I could not in any way plead ignorance to the consequences of a decision that I have every opportunity to make with a clear mind and open eyes. But, what if I couldn't possibly raise a child? What then? I don't want to bring up a child in an atmosphere of fear, stress, uncertainty, and with a less-than-probable chance of having a father around.

You know what I wish? That I could feel as sexually free as many, many women I know. They have sex with abandon, it seems. They weather the pregnancy scare and perhaps deem it worth nights of passion. I wish that, like so many women before me, I could just get that prescription, take the Pill, express myself freely.

The only thing that will make me feel that way, it seems, is having a partner who will assure me that he'll be there. Someone who isn't going to take off before the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

I know that even in marriage nothing is guaranteed. What more outside of it, with no assurance of love and the hopeful, maybe even idealistic, vision of "'til death do us part'", though the vision may someday be obscured?

nothing to complain about

Life's been pretty good lately. I'm not entirely satisfied with my playing, but I do feel a renewed sense of why I'm pursuing it in the first place.

Work's not as hectic, so I'm not terribly stressed.

The only thing I haven't worked regularly into my schedule is reading and breaking (dancing, that is). I think that will come soon enough, though.

I'm also tired from staying up late with B, but I'm only occasionally tired due to that. We're really good at making sure we don't disturb the other when we're doing work. We're also really conscious about getting enough rest.

The thing that scares me once in a while is that this could end unexpectedly. The thought doesn't cross my mind frequently, but when it comes, it can bring me down.

It actually feels more like we've been dating for years and we have reached that comfortable stage where you feel settled and happy. What I wonder, though, is whether, in the absence of that intense romantic sweep that brings couples to think they are "in love", will we acknowledge that we're in it? You know what I mean?...

With someone you haven't known for a long time, you get the butterflies and the heart-flutter, and you think, "He's so perfect! I think I love him." In my case, I love having him around. I miss his presence when I don't fall asleep next to him; and feel strange when I don't see him first thing in the morning. He always wants to see me. In fact, we spend almost every night of the week together. I'd say, on average, 3 of 4 nights a week.

What am I trying to say here?...I worry that in the absence of the "butterflies", we won't recognize whether our feelings have grown. What if he decides to go after that feeling? What if it makes us think that what we have isn't enough?

I love holding him, though, and seeing him brings a smile to my face...a sense of calm.

I do realize that I'm over-thinking here, but these are the thoughts that cross my mind once in a while.

You want to know the truth though? I'm really, really happy. He makes me smile, giggle, and laugh. We kiss and hold each other often. We make sure that we don't lose sight of what's most important to us and that we spend all the time we need doing it. Literally, we spend our time together, doing what we need to do alone. It's not distracting. It may even be keeping us on track.

We're happy, and not all too scared anymore.

that baggage sure can be heavy

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I've got a bit of a cough and, as usual, I don't think I'm playing all that well.

Maybe it's because he didn't return the sentiment in the closing greeting, although I didn't care at first whether he did or not. Honestly, I don't really care about that.

When I have a good look at why, it's because today, I'm reminded that I can't lean on anyone, at least not consistently.

I'm not feeling great about my playing. I'm rather tired. Part of me wants to convince him to come out to my friend's birthday, but part of me doesn't care. (It's at a club, and I hate pretentious clubs myself.) I don't think I would want to be guilted into going somewhere I don't want to go.

So I have come to the conclusion that regardless how great everything is going right now, I'm the only person that can make myself feel good. Only I can improve my playing. Only I can make sure I get enough sleep. Only I can feel confident enough about our relationship so that I don't feel the need to test it.

This whole "only I" thing, though, just reminds me of how fleeting this can all be... that no matter what I put in, there are no guarantees.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the interminable seedling produced by that grain of hurt.

In a way, this is good. It means that I am perhaps feeling more about this than my mind perceives. I was worried that my feelings wouldn't grow. But it also reminds me of how all this can be taken away, and in the end, I have no control. If I have no control, then neither does he. He, too, has been so hurt before that he's unsure of his capacity to love deeply.

If I don't feel that grow in him, I'm going to find it hard to grow as well. But if there's no growth in me, then that will likely be an obstacle to his growth.

So I simply feel caught. And scared. And I want to run, but I want something to stop me.

i'm a sleepy head

I realize I haven't posted in a while. I've been pretty busy at work, dealing with crisis situations for a couple weeks, making my usual work load spill over into hours when I would normally be free. Things have calmed down now, but I'm still finding that my nights are busy.

I need the time to practice and phone and see people.

At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I would like to say that my heart has been calm through all of it.

I find that dating B doesn't make me lose focus. I haven't gotten lost in a euphoric haze, as I did when I first started dating A (i.e. my first boyfriend. I can't remember what letter I used to represent him.)

It feels like we've been dating forever. It has that settled, comfortable feeling despite being new.

I'm still noticing emotional challenges in myself, though. I'll cover that in another post, because my eyes are mad at me for not allowing them to rest.

Good night.

the difference one night can make

Simply. Strangely. Wonderfully.

I'm now dating B.

clutter

So much is occupying space in my head. So much so that I have little patience for people doing stupid things to screw themselves over.

I just don't want to do anything right now that I'm required to do. But I must practice. I'm always so drained. I just don't get it. It doesn't appear to me that I need to really pause. I've been able to handle the work and all its challenges, but I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

This weather's off, too, but at least it's sunny for the moment so that helps. It gives me a boost of energy somehow.

I think of all the people who are going through so much more and who endure nonetheless; and then there's me, with my comfortable life, tired from a day's work. I'm such a wimp.

Hmmm...and obviously I don't go very easy on myself. I should really work harder on that.

What? More hard work? Argh!

persistence

Too much of it equals annoying.

He called four times yesterday and sent me a couple of e-mails. Too much, I tell you. I'm torn between going the subtle route, as technically, everything he has said can be interpreted as something a friend would say. Though crazy calling is a whole other issue.

I picked up the last phone call, not knowing it was him. He kept trying to get me to call him back, but I told him I'd be busy all night.

I decided not to call him back today either. I just don't feel like it. Plus, I hate that I feel pressured to call in case he starts to think I'm mean. I don't even call my very best friends back if I don't feel like talking, unless of course I know they're dealing with something and really need to talk. Besides, if I don't want to call someone, I have every right not to call that person!

Obviously I feel bad. I mean he has tried to contact me A LOT. In fact, I was going to push myself into calling and clarifying the whole thing even if I really just didn't have time to deal with this right now. Then I stopped and realized that...hey, wait a second, who says anyone gets to push me into a phone call or into hanging out?

Screw that yo!

And now I'm sleepy. I think staring into a computer all day is taking its toll on my eyes.

three points connected to make an enclosed figure

Me, him, his friend.

I've been asked out by his best friend. Shit! I'm avoiding the e-mail in which he told me he tried calling me a few times and do I wanna do something sometime and will he get through if he tries calling again?

I alluded to this in one of my entries..."the warm look". Oh no!

I'm really not interested. I've thought about it, picturing whether I could see a cuddle, a kiss, dating. Nothing. I was so flattered by his gaze, especially because I haven't had something that sincere in a long time. But I just can't do it. I'm not interested in him at all.

I can't even talk to...what was I calling him? "B". I can't talk to B because C may not even be talking to him about it. But if I put off answering C for too long, or if I at all seem mean, then I'll be the bitch that hurt his friend.

So, really, it comes down to making references to "friendship" that I hope will not be overlooked.

Seriously, I didn't want this right now. I'm enjoying alone time!!