sometimes, the feeling...

Having a baby really knocks things out of you. It really can feel like pieces of yourself have scattered and you'll never get them back. Maybe that's actually the case, or maybe they just stray temporarily. I don't know. I'll let you know if I find out. 

There's so much that I can't do right now. And yet so much that is new that I can do. 

I'm just having one of those days wherein I feel completely unoriginal, unprovocative, and rather intellectually blank. Who am I even trying to be? No one, actually. For the most part, I'm too tired to care. 

But I can tell that I'm not feeling good about myself, because I worry that my partner finds someone in his office more interesting, prettier, more amazing generally. Why? I feel like in contrast to me, she is capable of so much more while B works his ass off at home everyday because I seem not to be able to do it myself. Sure, I'm the only one who can breastfeed and put the baby to bed, but she does this too and seems to accomplish much more. She seems like wonder woman---a baby, various projects. I seem like a wimp by comparison. I don't even wear make-up anymore. My old clothes still don't fit right (not since the delivery), but we're in school right now, and I don't think I should spend money. This used to be a bit of a point of pride---there are graver issues in the world (refugee crisis anyone?). But today,  I just feel smaller than I already am, more ragged than I look in the mirror, and terribly uncreative.

Nothing like insecurity to breed jealousy, right? Yeah well, there's my honest post about all this. And I'm sick right now and haven't slept enough. So everything is many things seem negative.