no time to think

I thought that it's been longer since I last wrote. I'm pleasantly surprised.

I've been going through a tough time with stress lately, experiencing minor anxiety attacks. It's gotten to the point where I believe I really have to take many steps back and take time for myself or else I'll crack up.

I dealt with some pretty complicated shit that left me shaky and completely worn out. On good days, this job is still very good and fulfilling, but when it's bad, it's very, very difficult. I just wonder whether it's good for me, and whether I need to turn the helping hand onto myself.

My goals are somewhat on hold because of this job and the anxiety surrounding it --- so I guess really, it's time to think about changes.

I've been thinking about something else too...about taking things off my walls that remind me of the past. I'm still not entirely opening up to the thought of the future and for no good reason. Maybe there's something to what my dad said about throwing things out. I no longer wish for the past, but perhaps reminders on my walls keep me from freeing myself of the fear that it could all go wrong.

And as much as I think I've healed, and that I'm over things, I'm beginning to wonder whether I've actually been holding myself up for longer than necessary --- because I have a hard time letting go of what I see as my history. Shouldn't I just be okay with this 'history'? If I have to put things away, doesn't that mean I'm just stashing my 'issues' for another time?

But I'm beginning to see it from another perspective. Perhaps I am over all those feelings and stunted wishes, but I can't let go of the fear if I see things over and over again that say, "Things can be so good. And then they end."

Oh heal me now.

sick

That's what I am. Which means I'm home and have time to write.

It's been terribly stressful for me these past months. I'm really, really tired, and feel mentally and spiritually weak. On occasion, I feel quite shaky, dealing with crises, or trying to prevent them.

My work has trained my brain to see where pitfalls may lie. This may not seem so bad, but when the pitfalls can happen in human lives, I give so much importance to it. Perhaps more than necessary at any given time. It does feel like my brain is in overdrive, like when you're working out, and your muscles are in pain but you keep pushing just a bit more.

Well, I push because I have to. People need advise on how to deal with other people, whose lives are so very complex.

It's taking a real toll on me now though. I get sick more often and have minor anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my friends and family are really supportive, so I know I'll be fine.

Even as I sit here, surfing the net with the TV on, I have thoughts compelling me to do something productive. But today, it's not so hard for me to just tell myself to just veg.

B is so good through all this. Sometimes, I think he's too nice. And it pisses me off. Is that normal? So, I tried to figure out why this pisses me off, and I realized that it's because while I was single, I really gained strength from processing my moods and emotions. I need to feel that I can get out of this. So, I told him that and asked him not to worry if I shut the door and just want to stay there, alone, for a bit.

He's so good. So great. I want to be better for him. You know that Sarah McLaughlin song with the line, "I know I can love you much better than this"? Well, that makes me tear up. Because it's true. I need to get better for him, for my family, and most of all for myself, so I can do all these things. I need to put them first more, which I realize I don't as much, and in turn, I don't put myself first enough. Because by putting them first, it means that I'll actually hang out with my friends and call them more, which is so good for me. It means I'll go out and relax more instead of giving that up for all the tasks and duties in my day.

So, that's another resolve. And as I sit here, with my sick day, I feel it's at least possible.

a sense of purpose

Last evening, a co-worker of mine passed away. He wasn't terribly old, was a big man, who lived a full and varied life. He touched many places in my home and had a fond nickname for me.

I'm looking out my window right now, at the sky that's rising through those gradations of colour that I love so much. I've got quiet time to myself right now. Tomorrow and the rest of the week will be hectic.

Just before sitting down, I felt again that gray that makes me uneasy. That sense that my life just keeps going and I go through the motions without feeling ecstasy just being alive, the way I used to.

Perhaps I simply don't understand the purpose of my life. I help people, sure. And recently, I've been told how great I am, how supportive. Why do I feel somewhat bland?

I think of how much longer I have to live sometimes, and it scares me. Because in the upcoming years, there could be so much that will hurt me. But at the same time, I love being alive. I just don't look forward to the days with excitement, but rather with the thinking that I have so much to do despite being so tired.

And I think of my friend. He's gone. Soon, he'll be ash. So quickly. A once imposing form, reduced to a bowlful of dust. And the world goes on. I think it's this way that the world can just go on that's unsettling to me. I'm glad that it does so...many others deserve the chance...but I struggle with the fact that people pass on and are forgotten; that a life that was so important is no longer noticed.

I'm not sure what to do about this feeling. I hope that I'll feel more than this soon.

the pressure of self

I really wish I were more inspired to write these days.

My earlier posts, though many times dramatic, were more interesting. Though, of course in those days, I lived with nostalgia and sadness. These days, I am certainly happier.

But truthfully, I'm just way busier, and I don't have the time to ponder like I used to. And I wonder whether this somehow disturbs my spirit.

Today, for instance, I find myself quite grumpy. It started last night. I was annoyed with him and rather mad, which he noticed. I really wanted him to come to bed with me as he's been staying up late recently, due to the internet or TV. He said he'd finish his food and have the will power to turn the TV off. When he didn't do it, it annoyed me, especially because I was so tired and irritable. He gave me kisses and kisses and I responded lightly.

He knew something was wrong, but I couldn't rationally determine why I should be pissed off. I immediately regretted it. He is so nice and helpful, and always thoughtful! I turned over and caressed his back as an apology and he said, "Thank you," in a soft, sincere tone.

I talked to him about it this morning. It seems so dumb that I should want him to go to bed earlier and to stop using the internet so much. It's his life. He works hard too.

But it's hard for me to see all this "free" time when I work all day. Then, I cook and/or eat, then practice until my brain falls out. Then I'm so damn tired but I really, really want to waste time and work on photos, or something utterly useless! But this fucking nagging "good girl" in me knows better. She knows that it's best to just go to bed, get enough rest, or else the next day will be horrible and more stressful.

But this afternoon, though under duress of hunger, no doubt, I fucking just want to screw off and not think of what I should do. I want to be able to have enough free time to do whatever the hell I fucking want.

Then, I'm angry at myself for being annoyed with him, for no entirely rational reason. And I hate that I did that. I'm not supposed to be that way...who am I? His mother?

I'm supposed to be working a bit now too. Am I? No. And this "good girl" whispers that I should really get going if I want to memorize more music after work.

There's just too much. And I don't understand why I should complain. I was on vacation for a month, damn it! But here I am, back for barely a month, and already I hate the confines of time and responsibility.

I wish I had more money. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard. Then I could just work on what means most to me...music, and pondering the world around me in order to make meaning out of everything.

Perhaps I'm in a bad mood, and sometimes feeling completely bleak, because in the absence of meaning, I just wonder if this is it. For decades more, this is it. I'm happy, I'm angry, I'm stressed, and I'll just go through it without being able to process, and before I know it, it'll all be over.

visiting a grave

I took long walk today at around 8 pm. I decided that it was so nice out and I haven't had a solitary walk in a while.

I breathed the city in as I haven't in months. Too bad about the drunk guy in the red shirt that said, "Hey, do you like to give massages?" Grrr...Shut the fuck up. I guess I could forgive him, hanging out with old friends who probably don't even remember him in the morning.

But the point of this story is that I took a walk down a familiar path. One that I haven't walked with intent since 2003? 2004?

What is it that made me dream of his name last night, on a sheet of paper that said, "NAME OF BOYRFRIEND:". I wrote his name down and obscured it with circular motions of my pen. He's not my boyfriend anymore. Lately, too, I've been wondering whether I'll see him on these streets.

I finally came to the old house I spent so much time in, looking happily tired and lived in, retaining cigarette and pot smoke. (I hate the smell of pot, grown stale in a room!) Someone else lives in that room now, though I can still feel the wooden floors under my feet and still have trouble lifting that window. My key probably still opens that front door, as I doubt they even bother to change the locks. I looked up at the porch were we danced the tango on a winter night and on a fresh spring day. Barbecues on the hibachi and forgotten brown bottles on the floor boards.

I wondered why I've thought of him lately. Maybe there's something happening in his life...maybe he's getting married. But it's not because I miss him, it's not for some longing. But I guess it's good to remember that it was good and real and true. So good that I'm still careful not to get carried away this time, as I recognize how much that hurt changed me and prevents me from free falling, from completely feeling the openness that comes with the world in full sun.

I once told a friend that I feel like there will always be a connection between us. So I wonder if there's something big happening now. I imagined myself bumping into him at this house.

"Hey! Good to see you", in an awkward way that tells nothing of the past.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Good. I'm so happy now and I love him. I love him so much, sometimes I think I love him more than I ever loved you. Or maybe it's just different this time."

For fear of looking like some crazy girl to the guys on the porch, I only walked by twice and headed home, picturing that room, where there was romance in abundance and a constant premonition, or maybe wonder, about whether it would last.

I wondered if this visit was a sign of a goodbye. A real and permanent goodbye and forward motion whose momentum will take me where I've never dreamed.

I tried to glimpse it one more time and thought, "Goodbye. That's the last time." I can still see the world out those windows now, but at the same time, I can imagine a future that's far, far away from it; where I'll simply remember that in that house, I stood when I was young, and was smiled at, touched, and loved by dark eyes.

Goodbye. It's done, it's gone. I think I'm falling again and not so worried anymore. I'm beginning to picture the future once more and what age looks like on this second take. I think I might just laugh everyday... laugh, a lot more than cry.

why do i play?

I'm reading Bel Canto right now. And though it's not as good as it was made out to be, it certainly is a pretty well-told story, with humorous, insightful lines that remind me of Louis de Bernière.

I have just read this part about a character playing Chopin's Nocturne, Op. 2 #9. I've played that so many times that it has become as meaningless as Canon in D to me. Here was the piece though, telling a story, the pianist's touch becoming the caresses he only wishes he could give to his wife and children with love in his loneliness.

Is this why I play? Is this why I can't let it go? Is this why I feel no one really knows me until they've heard me play, in particular, play Chopin?

The greater question is, is this something I can and should base my career upon? Will I ever be satisfied with my level of playing such that I know I have told or shared a story well? Will enough people hear the story and think that it matters?

I really don't know. I tire of the thought of practicing so often at the end of long work days, work that I have always thought is transitional and simply needed to save money. Where do I have the most to give? Which route is more noble and important? I know that they are equally so. But I wonder whether I'm chasing something beyond me, that I will never really attain.

fear can get the better of you

I wish that I didn't feel so afraid and insecure.

Lately, I have found myself watchful of one of my best friends and B. They just seem to click so well together. A couple of memories irk me. One, the way he hugged her one day when we all went out before we were dating. Another when we were walking together after dumplings and he came up behind her and hugged her.

Now, he's a 'huggy' sort of guy. He hugs his girl friends. I had observed this of him before with mutual friends, these cuddly hugs. Not that he 'cuddly-hugged' my best friend.

But, oh, I don't know...I remember that there was a time I was afraid that my ex really was getting along with another of my best friends, then that fear passed.

It's just an uncomfortable feeling. B has never led me to think that he doesn't love me. In fact, he reminds me of it in ways big and small everyday. My friends have always loved my boyfriends. My best friend even, lets call her D, cried when A and I broke up.

So, I think it's just me for some reason being really afraid. The ex used to bring D cookies and joke around a lot during their overlapping shifts. I didn't feel weird about that, but I did with A and E's connection one wintry night when we frolicked about.

I just think that D is great and beautiful and fun and cute. Guys just seem to gravitate toward her. I'm not sure how long I can hold B's attention sometimes. I get really tired. I'm not always up for "fun" when he wants it because it's too late at night. I do worry that he'll wonder why he puts up with it. He says I'm great all the time and kisses me and holds me more than I've ever been kissed and held. Everything is pretty much perfect (with few minor upsets that are clarified very easily!) Yet here I am, incapable of holding my head high and just enjoying it.

I wish I could completely believe his words that say I'm wonderful. I have nothing to make me doubt it. I just have this tiny thought in my head that wonders when he'll grow tired of me.

still blue

I've been really run down lately. I've had a month and a half straight of work and piecing together things that people have torn apart. I'm tired.

My brain can't take anymore decision-making. I feel this tension inside. I wasn't doing so well today (That's funny I meant to say 'I was doing so well today. Interesting slip, that.). It started with a massage, lunch, a long bath, net surfing, then a piano concert.

I was walking with B and really enjoying the night. For the first time in a long time, I was all there, not with my brain tracing multiple paths in my head. I suggested that perhaps we could have a tea. He said perhaps I could call my friends to see what they're up to. But I didn't want to stay out later than I want. "So you just want a quick tea, then."

"Yup."

"I kinda want to do something, I just don't know what".

"Aww..now I feel bad. I just don't want to see people."

"That's okay. Don't feel bad. You feel bad too easily."

"Well. I didn't react the way I was supposed to. I feel mean not wanting to see anyone, but I see people everyday and have to solve their problems, whether I want to or not. I just don't want to see any more people."

"I guess that's the difference. I work alone, so I want company."

"I'd be just as happy alone. Why don't you call your friends. Call C, he called you today."

So he called C. And I immediately felt terrible for suggesting it, because what I really wanted to do was continue to hang out with him on this "date". But there it was, my own demise. And from that point on, I just wasn't as happy. I found it hard to respond to his little quips.

"So no coffee or tea then, huh?"

"No. I'd get there too late if I did."

"But you'll be late tonight anyway."

"Yeah, that's true."

I told him that wish I hadn't made the suggestions so quickly because I immediately knew that I wanted to hang out with just him. He said that he had already been thinking about hanging out with the guys anyway.

So we parted ways and he noticed a tear in my eye, which he wished wasn't there. But I said that it's okay. It's all my fault.

But I can't help feeling badly. I had the wrong idea about tonight. I thought that it was going to be just us. Though I can certainly see his side of it...our concert ended and we could do what ever we wanted. Plus I had already suggested this, adding that I'd just be as happy alone.

I wish I didn't react like the martyr. I think my mood was dampened a bit once this conversation started and it was all downhill from there.

I wish I weren't so moody, especially lately.

this little pill

So here I am, wondering whether I should just go ahead and use the Pill. The last time I used it for acne, I discovered that it made me pretty depressed. I felt like crying in the middle of the work day, though my job entailed advising anyone who walked in and my desk was the first thing anyone would see. So, I stopped taking it and my emotions returned to their usual even state.

Now, I'm wondering whether I should just take the plunge. Many women have, I know. It's this new Pill I'm thinking of taking, with drospirenone. I've been doing a lot of reading about it, as I did with the previous pill, as I'm fully aware that this will be completely voluntarily taken on my part. I'm not sick and I don't need medicine. It's not like this will help my health.

Despite the risks, though I have read that they are extremely rare, unless one has a propensity for them, I find myself really wanting to take it. The way I figure it, in a few years, it will be best for me not to take the Pill. This may be the only time that I can just enjoy sex and not worry about spacing children out, or my body not being able to take it.

What's the alternative? Well, I know they're out there...IUD, the Ring, condoms., etc. I don't want to keep something in my uterus. The idea makes me uncomfortable. Condoms break, it has happened to people I know. There is no way in hell I can get pregnant.

At the same time, old, well-ingrained words from my parents and from school tell me that I need to simply have self-control (or in reality, do everything but, if you know what I mean). On the other hand, I want to know what it's like to fully experience a relationship.

In the past, I never even considered this. I would get physical, but I was too worried that I would be heartbroken and the pain would be to great if I give all I have. Now, I have been heartbroken. I still feel the effects every now and again. Regardless of what I give physically, I know I will hurt deeply. Do I really want to live my life never knowing what it's like to take someone in completely?

I used to be this person who did what was "right". It was a very rigid "right" that I held to with regard to my own conduct. I didn't think less of people who thought and did things differently, I simply knew what I would and would not do.

Here I am, grown up and making my own decisions, and it's really difficult. I liked the younger person that I was that had clearly drawn lines around her. She was happy and people always knew she would do the "right" thing.

I still like the person I am and the various facets I have discovered, and my ability to change. But, the person I am now has smudged lines about. I understand people and complications more, but it doesn't bring me closer to what I should do.

Faced with the decision to alter my body, the way it naturally works, so drastically, I'm not sure which is the right way.

I love having my period on time every month. I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my ability to have healthy children, should that opportunity arise. The doctor assures me that I'm not predisposed to any fertility complications later on. But I do worry that so much is still unknown about the Pill, despite it being so widely and intensively studied. For example, with this pill I'm considering, one child was born with esophagial atresia, though a causal relationship with this pill is unknown. Thirteen other children were just fine, so I'm probably over-worrying. But there's always the "what if?"

So, I will keep thinking and weighing the pros and cons. One may argue that for me simply not to have sex is unrealistic. But, seriously, if you knew me, you'd know that I could do it. So the real question is whether I want to, whether I'm ready for the more intense part of this relationship. Is this worth changing my body for? Is it worth risking the adverse, though rarely experienced, effects of synthetic hormones? What am I missing here? Anything? Deep down, I know that even if I choose not to do this, my relationship will not suffer. There aren't any pressures put upon me, and yet, here I am, with a real want to experience.

There is no one else to do this for but me. The trouble is, I, too, will be fully responsible for all that happens to my body.

little girl

This always happens before I leave my family home...we get snippy with each other. I realize that this is because my parents are going to miss me, especially because it usually takes some time before I go home again. So, they're sensitive, and I'm sensitive, because I know they want me to stay longer, but I can't. I hate the feeling that I'm making them less than happy.

But before leaving yesterday, I got really pissed off at my dad. You see, I don't drive very often. So, everytime there's no one else able to drive, or as soon as there's a car situation to sort out, such that someone needs to go somewhere, but obviously, I would need to drive, my dad pulls out the "but you haven't driven in a while card." We're not talking highway driving here, we're talking 10, 15 minutes in the burbs. Seriously. I'm not stupid. I haven't forgotten how to drive. I can still make judgements about whether to change lanes or not.

It really angers me because I know that someday, I will have to drive whether I like it or not, and that someday will be under the same not-driving-in-a while condition.

I don't know why that is, exactly. An outsider might say it's because girls were generally driven around in my dad's day. It is perhaps true. But part of me doesn't believe this, because both my parents have always raised me to believe that I can do absolutely anything I want, that I can achieve anything.

Basically, I don't get it. And I become so unbelievably angry sometimes that I want to punch something. Especially because there's this irrational fear that I'm going to get into an accident. Especially becuase there was never an issue with my brothers driving. Though, they say, the reason for this is because they drove my parents around as practice. I did that too, of course, while I lived at home. Then I get, "But that was a long time ago." I grit my teeth so hard, they threaten to pop out of my mouth.

Anyway, the point of all this is that, as I told my dad, I was sure glad to leave yesterday. Though we didn't have arguments throughout the holidays, the last couple of days did try my patience sometimes. There's only so much of the little girl treatment that I can take. I don't like having to wait until someone can drive me somewhere. I don't like not being able to get up and leave whenever I want (wasn't an issue this time, though). Don't like keeping my mom up until I come home. I then don't like the ensuing argument that would inevitably come up that basically suggests that I don't care that I'm making them worried and keeping them up. Man, all those reasons that let me know it was time to move out are rushing back!

But really, I loved Christmas. I love my family. And part of me didn't want to leave. My parents are so much more than the picture I've given above. I don't want to give off the wrong impression. They gave up literally everything for me and my brothers. They have shown me strength that I rarely see in the people around me. And they will always be there, no matter how much I provoke them with "unconventional, 'free-thinking' ideas". But you know what, I feel free to express these ideas, and we argue heatedly. That's what I love...They bug the hell out of me sometimes, but we give and take words with passion.

Still, I'm not a little girl anymore. Funny how they forget.

i miss Christmas

I'm back at my place, and oddly, it seems a bit too familiar. Already, I dread the call of stress---I've got that tense feeling I get, like when I'm avoiding a call that I know will come through the line.

A new year...I'm definitely at a different place now. Who would have thought, a year ago, that B and I would be together? I had pretty much given up hope, though I obviously didn't want to let it go. But there he was with me on New Year's Eve. I was surrounded by family and friends. It has definitely been the best New Year's in a while.

What do I hope for this year? That I find time to relax, so that I can fully enjoy all the great things that are happening in my life. Part of me isn't quite basking in the glow of it all because I know that it can all fall apart. I don't want to look away, to grow complacent, just in case I miss the signs. I want to be able to prevent anything from going bad. This year, that's my goal. I want to divide work and play even better and not care so much that someone might think that I'm not doing enough at my job. I want to just be able to say, "Oh well, that's the best I can do for you" and not feel like I've let someone down. I have found that if I'm not able to say this, the people I love the most will feel it a lot more. And really, they are the ones I'm most accountable to, the ones who have been there and will continue to be there, no matter what happens with work.

All this goes hand in hand with letting go. I've been too watchful and therefore too tense. But when I've thought about it, I really do have everything I could want. It's not perfect, there are things to strive for, but there isn't anything I want.

Sometimes I wonder, whether in the sadness and struggle of the previous years, I have forgotten how to simply let things be. I need to remember to trust myself and to be confident that I'll know what to do with whatever situation comes my way. To be honest, there are still periods when I just can't seem to get excited about anything; like I've gotten used to a stillness that I have now come to recognize as a kind of "oh well" state of being.

But I no longer want to just let all this good around me keep passing by, nor any of the not-so-good. I desperately want to just feel all the good feelings without that veil of scepticism. I want to believe, once again, that life can be good and impossibly wonderful, and that I can feel impossibly lucky and happy again.

So that's my aim for the new year. I think everyone around me will be better for it too.

now it's late

Geez. I've been trying to connect with this new Google thing. But I'm blogging on my Palm, which I think made things take a bit longer.

It's pretty comfy, though, blogging from my bed.

I really don't have too much to say now, unfortunately. I'm pretty sleepy. I'll be getting up in about 7 hours to go to lunch with B's family.

Too bad, because prior to this sleepy-headedness, I'm sure I had some blogging ideas.

Still really happy. I think I'm finally allowing myself to get carried away. I get these swells of feeling every once in a while...that feeling of falling, though more carefully this time. I'm feeling it, though, despite my fears. Oh yeah, you better believe they're still there, lurking in the background. But lately, I can't stop looking at him, in this wide-eyed way that I haven't allowed myself.

Soon there will be a reflection of the year, I'm sure of it.

Hmmm....I wonder whether I'll like this new blogger setup.

always busy

I realize that I don't post too often. Basically, I work 9 to 5 then play the piano for a couple hours, eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed. Once in a while, I do something active, like go to a drop-in dance class or run on the treadmill.

There doesn't seem to be much time for anything else. And by anything else, I mean something that could be seen as useless...like watching TV, surfing the net, blogging. I do think I lack thinking time. Something that blogging and being on my on own affords me.

B is over a lot. He'll do his thing while I practice, and it's actually a great motivator for both of us to be creative---an accountability of sorts---We do our individual work together and then hang out for a bit at around 11 at night, then go to bed.

I've actually been really stressed out lately. I'm stressed about being stressed.

Let me explain.

I come home with a list of tasks that I need to complete for the night. B suggests something fun to do. I think I can do it, but realize that I can't, because I'll have to go to bed soon. So, a movie that starts at 11 p.m., for instance, is pretty much out of the question. I would much rather read to clear my head of the day's thoughts. Then, I feel bad, because I can't hang out with him. Suddenly, the pressure of one task after another, with no time to just sit and think, really weighs down on me. I don't want B to have to experience me this way. (And it has been happening quite a bit recently.) So, I get even more stressed out because I'm worried that he'll someday get tired of this emotional business, and there really isn't anything I can do about it.

But he says that he doesn't mind at all; the degree to which I make him happy outweighs any moments he spends dealing with my stress.

I think a lot of this has to do with adjusting to the fact that there's another person here all the time. I can't hide how I'm feeling. I used to be able to, but I no longer see the point. Like me for who I am and all my emotions, I say. But I am always aware of what my effect is on others. This gets to me sometimes, actually. I am so incredibly self-aware in most cases that I'm always analyzing what impact I may be having on others. And it causes quite a bit of tension in my head. It's really quite tangible.

So, I'm practicing letting the worry go. I'm trying to put myself out there in the way I act and in what I say, with much forethought, and with no fear of having to defend myself.

And that's hard for me. I always want to see all sides before speaking. I'm careful to cultivate tone and impression. Frankly, it's stressful. A part of me wants to say "Fuck it. You worry about how you perceive me. This is how I'm coming off, whether you like it or not".

Those who know me well would say that there really isn't much danger in my being negatively provocative. I'm a really nice and thoughtful person.

Yeah, I guess I am, but I'm that way because I'm constantly thinking of how others might feel about something I say or do. And I just want a break from thinking. I really, really do. I want to stop being the one that makes sure everything goes smoothly for others (yup, that's part of my job). I feel like just sitting back and having someone else grapple with things. The only thing is, you can bet that I'll be called in anyway to see what help I can offer.

To be proactive or reactive?

A bit of both...a balance. That's what I'm trying to achieve.

listless

I kinda feel like I've used that as a title already.

Well, I officially have nothing to complain about. Life is pretty much near-perfect, though not without its everyday small challenges. It has made me realize that there is no reason for me to feel unhappy, no reason for me to lack the energy or any desire to do things.

All this leads me to think that maybe I have a mild case of depression. In the past I always had something to attribute it to. But perhaps I felt more emotional strain because this has always been with me?

You know those little self-diagnosis tests that tell you whether you may be depressed. Well, in the past, I have qualified. I'm still able to push myself to do what I need to do, but in an almost zombie-like manner. I can still put up an act and smile through it all when in front of people.

I can't seem to match B's enthusiasm sometimes, and I feel terrible. I must be somewhat difficult to cheer up right now.

Or maybe it's just a case of the blahs due to the shortened daylight hours. I don't know. I'm just surprised by this little discovery that I still feel down when I have no rational reason to feel that way. Moods are moods, but this has been going on for at least 3 weeks now.

I'm still hoping I can fight it off. We'll see.

I love playing with my recently acquired digital camera. I can't believe how warm the days are, being in the second week of October. My aim was to put up a pic that was more representative of me somehow. This seemed like the most accurate representation from the number of pics I took yesterday. I had a few options...full colour, accent on the blossoms, or accent on the wood colour. Obviously, I picked this last.

It's got a feel of nostalgia in the shades of gray against the muted colour of the wood. Hmmm...part of me doesn't really want to explain why this feels like the right one to post right now. But, to say just a bit, I do always have a keen sense that everything slips away very, very quickly. I think that because of this knowledge, I'm always grateful for every passing moment. For every not-so-happy moment, too, I know that it, too, will pass. It's not that every present moment is tainted by its passing. On the contrary, I think I see it more fully in that the past is already inherent in it. It contains the elements that make my life richer.

And for all this, I'm truly thankful.

ever wonder what your eyes say?

I was looking into his eyes today (blech! that sounds clichéd) and he told me that I was making funny faces. I asked, "What kind?"

"Like, you're worried that you're so happy."

I had to pause to see if that was true. It was, in a way. I was searching for a clue in his eyes, trying to see whether he's at all concerned that I might be feeling more than he's ready for.

He notices the slightest shift in my expression. And I mean just a tiny eye-movement that I don't think anyone can notice. He amazes me and there are times when he wants to hold me so tight, so that somehow he can absorb me.

Ahhh...the honeymoon period...

We're so lucky. We tell each other that all the time. It's as if all the hurt was worth it and it's our turn.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moods, but we're happy the other is there.

Man, I'm gushing! It's soooo good!

And yet tonight, we're doing things separately. He's hanging out with friends and I'm seeing a classical concert by myself. I like that we still do this!

~end of gushing~

"You make me very, very happy," he said with almost imperceptible emotion as he looked down at his food. I didn't know then how happy he truly felt until he later told me that he almost cried.

I was pretty stressed out from working so much that I couldn't feel happiness to the depth he was feeling it. I also began to think that perhaps I'm more jaded than I thought. That deep down, I'm more emotionally guarded.

But there are times when I want to tell him I love him. Maybe I've grown past the initial realization and now I'm just watching him catch up.

I love it when he smiles so big, like he just can't get over the fact that I'm smiling at him. I want to keep making him that happy.

greetings!

I can't believe it has only been a month since I last posted. It feels like a lot longer.

I've been really busy once again, as prep for the school year takes up all of my days and the greater part of my nights.

I've done quite a bit in this past month, though part of me had wondered what I had actually done all summer. Looking back, I realize that I've managed to do a lot and have had an awesome time.

I went to Florida for a couple of weeks, spent some time at the lake, and took a few afternoons off. So in the end, I'm actually quite satisfied.

Things with B are going really, really well. A couple of nights ago, I opened my eyes drowsily to see him looking at me. I couldn't tell what the look in his eyes was, exactly, because I didn't really open my eyes much, but I could sense the gentleness about his face. I don't know how much time passed before I felt three light kisses on my forehead. I woke up to kisses at various intervals that night.

I have, for the most part, forgotten my fear. There's still a tidbit in me that reminds me that anything can happen to change this, but I find myself just relishing how lucky I am. And of course, the fact that I'm obviously smarter because I always knew this would be a good thing.

I think I should be able to post more frequently after the first couple of weeks of September. Until then, I'm going to be pretty damn busy training staff.

Don't really know how to end this post, except to say that I'm really content...no, happy.

yet another challenge

My mom asked me last week what we're going to do about the religion of the children. What? Isn't it a little too soon?

She figured it might be worth exploring before I get too emotionally involved. But I explained that unless there is emotional involvement, there really won't be any chance to work anything out.

Anyway, thruth is, B and I talked about our religious differences and how it might affect children. I'm Catholic. I'm not hardcore about it, but I do go to church every Sunday. I'm not the best at fasting and abstinence...I have been known to eat meat on Fridays during Lent. I disagree with the Church's stance on many issues, homosexuality, divorce, etc...

But I value the opportunity my parents gave me to believe in God. This faith waivers all the time. I felt it most during my second year of university, as I took philosophy courses that I hoped would logically convince me of the existence of God. None of it worked. All I know is that part of me does believe, another doesn't. I get the same feeling turning my mind to faith as I do when I try to analyze the feeling of "love". The object of thought vanishes and I grasp at traces.

My parents are worried about his being an atheist. He doesn't discount the possibility of a god, in the sense that anything is possible, but he doesn't believe it himself.

My parents worry that it will become more convenient for me to just drop my faith and all its obligations. I assured my mom that it's too ingrained in me. I don't even feel the inconvenience of scheduling things around Church, for example.

I'm worried that they'll never warm up to him completely because in their view, he brings with him the possibility that I won't be married in a church, the possibility that my kids won't be baptized. They are very nice to him, there's no doubt about that. But I wonder what barriers might be there naturally when their daughter's soul is in jeopardy.

I hope I find a priest that, should it ever come to marriage, will see the challenge we face. My mom explained that it's not a real marriage unless both parties believe in the sacrament. The way I see it, I can't see how a benevolent God could deny His blessing to someone who wants it. I don't understand why religion divides when it's supposed to help us live harmoniously. Ironically, "catholic" means "universal". Universal division? Exclusivity? Do I want to be married by a Church that doesn't recognize that there's a diversity of people in the world, and inevitably, good comes even from those who don't have institutional faith?

What good is a faith that only grows within, in the company only of those who share it? If anything, it should inform relations with those who don't have it. It should lead to understanding and inclusivity, not to convert others, but to give one the strength to deal intelligently with the challenges brought about by differences. If this means a modification of beliefs for the sake a genuine union, then why not?

I understand why the Church requires belief from both candidates for marriage. If one doesn't believe, what good is it? But God knows we live in the world. In all its glorious differences.

I nonetheless maintain the hope that, as many times before, my parents will soon see why they don't have to fear differences. Credit to them, they have many times before readjusted their view, their beliefs, because I argued so persistently against them.

Still, I want them to take B in, without reserve. He is such a genuine, kind, and thoughtful person. It hurts me to think that they won't see all of that no matter how beautiful he is, how happy he makes me, and how being with him makes me thrive.

not a question of love

I've been thinking with frustraion about sex lately.

I'm not at the point of being ready yet. Surprise! I've known him for so long and yet I waver.

I used to want to wait until marriage, but years have made me revise this credo. I want to know that someone really, truly loves me before doing that. I thought long and hard about why that is. Is it because, after years of Catholic upbringing, I think it's a sin? No. Most definitely not. I began to ask myself why, then, why wait?

I took the Pill for a little bit a couple of years ago, for another purpose entirely. Suddenly, I knew that I would have sex, given the right guy, and an opportunity that felt right. I realized that the reason behind my wanting to be married first is that I'm afraid of unwanted pregnancy and having to raise a child on my own. Being on the Pill, I found an incredible sense of freedom. So, it wasn't a moral issue, it was fear. I determined that as long as I have someone that I trust loves me, I would have fewer qualms.

I had to get off the Pill, though, because it changed my mood dramatically. As it wasn't imperative that I be on it, I discontinued its use.

I've been thinking about getting back on it, but I have many concerns about its short- and long-term effects. I've done much reading on the subject, even prior to first taking them. I know that the chance of side-effects is low. I'm concerned, however, that in some women, pregnancy may not occur until 6 months to a year after discontinuing the Pill. What if I get off the Pill and I find that it takes longer for me? What if by the time its effects wear off, I'm at an age when the risk of having birth defects is higher?

I was reading the product description on Tricyclen Lo in Jane a couple of weeks ago. One of the health risks that increases with the use of the Pill lasts for 10 years after discontinuing its use. Now, this information was based on studies done with women who used a higher formulation of hormones. Unfortunately, there's no information on the effects of the currently available lower doses.

Point is, is it worth changing my body that drastically? I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, but I'm not sure even she will know what its effects on me will be.

I know there are other forms of birth control. But what if that fails? There's emergency contraception, but that doesn't even prevent conception 100%.

To be honest, I don't know whether I'm blowing these fears out of proportion because of the way I've been brought up. I do know that I'm a logical, reasonable woman. I know that I've done many things that have gone against my upbringing, inciting hurtful arguments with my parents.

I know I'll talk to him about all this. He already knows my concerns through being my friend for years. Regardless of how much we talk about it, though, it will still be my decision and my decision alone. I feel the weight of that responsibility. No matter how much he may understand and empathize, it will still be my body. If something messes up, it will be my baby, my guilt, my worry, my embarassment, my strength.

With all the information available to me, I couldn't at all stomach it should I be confronted with the worst possible scenario...the decision to keep a baby or abort. I already know what my strong inclination is---keep the baby. I could not in any way plead ignorance to the consequences of a decision that I have every opportunity to make with a clear mind and open eyes. But, what if I couldn't possibly raise a child? What then? I don't want to bring up a child in an atmosphere of fear, stress, uncertainty, and with a less-than-probable chance of having a father around.

You know what I wish? That I could feel as sexually free as many, many women I know. They have sex with abandon, it seems. They weather the pregnancy scare and perhaps deem it worth nights of passion. I wish that, like so many women before me, I could just get that prescription, take the Pill, express myself freely.

The only thing that will make me feel that way, it seems, is having a partner who will assure me that he'll be there. Someone who isn't going to take off before the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

I know that even in marriage nothing is guaranteed. What more outside of it, with no assurance of love and the hopeful, maybe even idealistic, vision of "'til death do us part'", though the vision may someday be obscured?