whee!

A day off for I am sick!! My throat is sore and I've got a good chest cough going.

But that's good, because I feel as though I need a day to regroup.

Man, I'm really having a hard time letting go. Fuck! This blog has gotten so boring with the stupid loop in my head. Ha ha! Somehow the loop begins to have break beats attached to them...awesome!

I'm also still addicted to the computer. I always think that I have to stop.

The good thing about today, though is that I played a couple songs on the piano that I'm thinking of performing sometime. Too bad I can't ask anyone who's going to read this to come check out the gig. That's what sucks about anonymity.

Funny, I have to be careful what to say regardless of whether people know who I am or not. I couldn't speak my mind all the time if I knew that certain people would read this. But, even now that no one knows who I am, I still have to watch that I don't reveal to much.

Oh, this cage, this pretty cage.

Sometimes I wish I didn't really care. Another bad thing is that I don't want people I work with to know this much about me. I do so wonder how other people do it.

More and more, I long to express myself freely, but I find that being brought up to keep private things private, it's really hard for me to do.

On a happier note, I've been keeping myself thoroughly busy, dancing, working, going out with the gals, meeting a few new interesting people here and there, immersing myself in various music scenes. Life really has been quite good. I am rather happy that I'm probably sick from being tired all the time, living life!

Still, the love life isn't going well. I just feel trapped. My brain feels trapped. There isn't anything more I could do to let him know that I really, really like him. Besides, he has already been told. So...he just doesn't like me enough, right? Or is he not saying anything for the same reasons I'm not? A strange stubbornness borne from fear. Fear of what? Fear of not knowing what may come of it.

It's really difficult. And, to be honest, I'm not interested in anyone else, though I have recently enjoyed meeting guys and getting enough attention to boost my ego and spirits. Even exchanged info with this one guy. Before giving it to him, though, I told him that I would really have to think about contacting him because I don't really meet guys at clubs. I just dance with them and talk to them.

I will make more of an effort to post. I do miss it.

uncertainty

I think that a large part of the lack of posts here is that I've been making more of an effort to stop thinking about the same issues all the time.

I do miss this blog, though.

I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.

But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.

Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.

I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.

Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.

I sure can be silly.

But even smart people need that, right?

But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.

I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.

So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.

my first post of the new year

Wow. It sure has been a long absence.

I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.

I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.

Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.

I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."

That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.

I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.

I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.

But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.

He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.

I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.

It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.

But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.

I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.

thoughts for the new year

Everytime I sit down to type, I don't feel like it anymore.

But I thought I would make an effort while I'm ripping CDs.

I haven't been very happy lately. I've been terribly short-tempered, particularly toward my mom who seems to want so badly to just hang out with me. Isn't it always the case that we hurt the ones we love most? It must be some strange way of punishing ourselves. That way, I can hate myself more for being such a bitch.

I extend my meanness toward my dad, who doesn't usually get the brunt of anything because he's such a quiet man. I do this because I don't want to let my mom feel that anyone escapes my bad mood---in a twisted way, I do this to be fair.

I've been watching more movies lately and immersing myself in books. I'm looking for words of wisdom; something to get me out of this mess.

I watched Garden State last night, and the main character began to feel again after coming off medication. The trouble is, that I'm not on medication, but I have felt numb for months now. The worst part, which is, perhaps, I can't tell, different from being medicated, is that I can feel my numbness.

I've lost a passion for many things. Nothing makes me happy or smile for any extended period of time. I know that I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes, I think that that's where that whole kind of thing starts. I wonder how it is people get that way. I have a family and friends who love me and look out for me, but a lot of the time, I feel lonely.

I sound depressed, don't I? Maybe I should be medicated. But, in truth, I haven't lost hope that I can get myself out of this. Nothing I've been through is so terrible that I can't get through it.

And there I go again. Mom interrupted me and I snapped at her. I could have just said I need a half hour. Fuck!

I watched Conan and that made me laugh. Watched Last Samurai...ICK! But, there was beauty in some scenes. Unfortunately, beauty that I don't feel is mine; that doesn't stick with me anymore.

How weak am I that I am like this without anything to blame it on?...no death, no abuse, no physical pain...What should happen to me if something bad does happen? I used to be called brave and strong. I'm neither of those things now.

I'm trying my best stop this and leave it behind for the new year. At midnight, I will toast to my family. I will hug them and kiss them and mean every act. And then there will be no special phone call to greet me, nor will there be anyone for me to call.

Everything is temporary. But I want so much for something to mean something that doesn't have to have meaning.

I want my job to have meaning. I want something to be mine. I want to believe in the good I do for all those people that I help, though in usually small ways, everyday. But it's like I don't have the conviction to believe in what I do for them. I really need this "strength of conviction" that I seem to have lost somehow.

Is it in the loss of independence? I do feel trapped. As though this is it. I've barely started my new job and already I know it's not my place. But that place I want to be seems so distant. I don't have the money to pursue my own dreams. At the same time, I know that I have never invested ALL that I could in its pursuit. The stupid part is that I know part of the reason I didn't is to be with someone I loved. And here again, I find myself waiting.

Is this bad for me? Which route will I regret more? Will it ever all come together?

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. In a grander sense. I wait for a natural solution to things without risking all of me. Maybe my life has just been a series of half-starts. I may say this is because I don't want to close any doors, but perhaps it is that I don't want to blame myself if any door locks behind me.

And suddenly, I'm not so sure what to do. I'm in this bland world all by myself and I don't know what to do with it. I want to get out. I know that I have the power to do this. Only I can change my own view.

I'm fully aware that my life is too short to be spent in sadness. I can make every future second count for something, even if it is just to make someone else smile.

I loved that line from the play, Time of Your Life: "In the time of your life, live, so that in that sweet time there shall be no death for you or for any life your life touches."

I didn't know then how difficult it would be to live by that.

What I don't understand is why this weakness in me is manifesting itself now. Well, I have a theory. It's because I've been separated from someone I loved dearly. And now that there isn't someone immediately there to fill the void, I find myself having to deal with everything on my own.

In truth, I haven't been on my own in a long time. A relationship that lasted almost five years WILL have its impact.

I have prayed for many things. My deepest wish, though I'm not sure that I have prayed for this, is that I learn to be happy on my own. I know, deep down, that this is the only way in which I can be strong again. It's only when I'm whole and know what to do with myself that I'll be able to love life, my family, my friends, other people, completely again.

I'm fighting everyday. It seems such a crybaby problem when people are dying and are experiencing tragedies so much greater than this.

But I wonder whether a personal tragedy, though small, might not be so great as a tsunami, an earthquake. I've never been one to believe that one's problems may be compared to another's. I've always been careful to remember that each person carries his/her own background and set of influences that compound one's reaction to a difficulty.

But, it's a new year. There is the possibility for good that comes with every second, and with it, the possibility for love and beauty. EVERY SECOND!! If I can smile in the next second, it's my duty to try.

It's just so hard right now. But I promise to try.

merry whateveritisthatyoucelebrate!

I celebrate Christmas. It's been up and down for me. I never used to be one to ascribe to the belief that the holidays are difficult. But here I am! I've joined the club.

Whatshisname and I are still good friends. He calls me, we hang out. I don't know exactly where this is going or if it'll go anywhere. You'd think it would be simple now. Boy meets girl, they like each other and give it a shot. Boys and girls, do not become friends with someone you could fall for, that is, if you can help it.

Anyway, as punishment for my being a coward and having someone else do the talking for me, I don't know what exactly was said during "the conversation" and 2 tellings of the story brought up different connotations.

That he likes me is still certain. He's been thinking of asking me out for as long as he has known me, pretty much. Those are the only things I am certain about. Is he still not sure about jumping into a relationship? Was that just my friend's interpretation? Or was that the reason he gave for not acting so far? Meaning that he's getting there.

Some friends say that I may not want to wait around, wasting my time. I'm not sure whether I want to give it up just yet.

There is one thing I know for sure. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy and absorbed in the things I do. I want to look up at the sky more and feel delight at that shade of blue. I want to be carried away by books and music like I once was. I want this dark hole that's in me and that keeps making itself felt when my mind finally clears of thoughts to be filled with happiness again.

And, since that's the only thing I can be sure of. I'll have to go with that.

here i am again

I find myself in that same emotional slump that I fall into almost every night. Tonight I feel it more acutely.

I just don't know what to do about him.

What is it that he's waiting for? Are his actions a way to make up for not being able to date me? Or are they a way of feeling out the situation, letting me know that he's trying to better himself so that one day we can be together?

I don't know which it is. I don't know what to do. He is incredibly important to me. And if I destroy anything, I couldn't ever forgive myself. I want to decide to just let this lie. To forget about it. Don't they say that if someone doesn't jump at the chance to have a relationship with you, it means they're just not interested in that way? Are there ever really any exceptions to that?

Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe it's crazy for me to even hope. What should I do? Talk to him about it. What, so that I can just get my heart trampled on? That must be what I believe to be the truth---that he simply doesn't want this. Otherwise, won't I have a more positive outlook? Wouldn't I take the care he seems to have shown toward me to mean something hopeful? Or am I just protecting myself by thinking negatively?

I no longer know. I have reached the end of my ability to decipher anything to do with this.

First and foremost, we are friends. But I find myself wondering whether to even call him or ask him to go out; just in case it brings on a conversation in which he makes it clear that this means nothing more to him than friendship.

But he has asked me to do stuff. But again, is it simply because he feels bad that he can't give me what I want? Or is it because he's showing me he likes me but needs time to work things out?

I'm so scared that in the time it takes for us to get to where I would like us to be, someone else will find her way into his heart. I'm so scared of that. Because I know how much it will hurt.

Above all, though, I want to remain his friend. But what do you do when it's so hard to be that? I'm afraid of losing that most of all.

So I need to come to a decision. Maybe I just need to let go. To stop thinking about this. I've made that decision repeatedly, and everytime, he does something that gives me hope. But again, maybe that's just friendship.

I need to just be his friend. It's just so hard. I'm suppressing feelings that, at the end of the night, make me cry.

Maybe I'm just too fragile for all of this right now? Maybe all this is too soon? But I want to be ready soon. I don't want to turn my head and find that it's too late. Time has already robbed me of too much and has hurt me too much.

I feel so frustrated, and so alone.

i want a day off

Sometimes, I want to get sick just so that I can get a day off and not have to lie about it.

I feel like I've written that already. I probably have already told someone that already.

And sometimes I wish I could break out of my normal, more silent nature to let the important people (ok, him) know that what they so admire in others lies within me too. That all the admirable miniatures glimpsed in others' words have been thought by my own mind before. That I, too, see things in my own unique way. That perhaps I, too, have written things that would surprise and impress and ring true.

But I can't. If I revealed all it would be for the wrong reasons, as if to say, "See, see, I can do that too. In fact I've done it before. Hey, hey, you! Look here!" It's so pathetic.

Sometimes I wonder what those closest to me would think of what I write here.

and yet i am still single

So the thing is, the reason I know he likes me is because a friend spoke to him about it. I was scared shitless. I figured he would think, 'awww...poor odd, she likes me and i don't like her. but that's ok, we're still friends.'

It turns out, he has liked me for as long as I've liked him. The problem seems to be fear. Fear of ruining something so good in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't rush this. I know I'm so scared myself. I know that I keep thinking that anything can happen between this revelation and its potentially wonderful conclusion.

He may decide that this isn't a good idea after all.

I now also have proof that it doesn't help me to know he feels the same way about me because I still wonder daily whether something has happened to change that. Though, deep inside, I know it hasn't changed.

I think that I was hurt deeply enough the last time that words aren't enough. I've heard words that mean so much one moment and then mean only memories the next. I place no trust in them.

This, of course, led me to think that perhaps I am not so prepared as I thought for another relationship.

Does this mean I shouldn't have one? I don't necessarily think so. Perhaps this just happens when you've been hurt too much already. You second-guess, you pull away, you're scared to look him in the eye too long because it makes you vulnerable and too exposed.

I want this. There isn't a question about it. But I know that I do things that perhaps betray how scared I am and so it's hard for either of us to get in the mood to talk about it.

But, I continue to have a great time with him. I think he knows I know that he knows and that I know that feels the same.

Now it's just a matter of time, right? Until we learn, perhaps, how to be more than friends and ease our way into things? I'm hoping so. It's like there's a delicate crystal between us and we're afraid to touch it in case it breaks and we can't put it back the same way.

I still feel helpless most of the time, though. I'm impatient even though I like things slow like this. I'm impatient for the time all falls into place. But I know I can't do anything to rush the most natural outcome.

It really sucks that I can't even enjoy this tentative, exciting dance. I danced this before and it ended with me being hurt. It's hard for me to enjoy what I know should be making me soar.

he likes me.

...

it sucks that i've gotten keeping a smile on my face down to an art. almost every night, i've cried. except for saturday and sunday night.

i know that it doesn't all have to do with this current situation. i know that a significant part of it has to do with picking at a scab that hasn't completely healed, even though what has caused the itch is different.

i'm just not so strong right now, i don't think. i don't take the thought of impending loss very well. so, naturally, i think "catastrophe" right away.

i don't get e-mails from him like i used to although he's around now. i do see him often enough, though. i guess it's a trade off. i wish i knew how much of this negative feeling comes from the fact that i expected it to be the same as before he left. a lot of it has to do with that, i bet.

i hate the sadness. i'm getting better at not letting it get me down all day. the effort it takes to keep everything at bay---enough so i can concentrate on work---is very tiring. i wish i didn't have to do this. how long is it going to take before i can truthfully say that i'm happy again?

i wish i had these answers. i wish that someone could tell me that in the end, he'll be there. i wish that leaving it up to fate, God, whatever you wanna call it, means that it'll all work out the way i want it to. but none of this can be guaranteed. it's the beauty of life, supposedly, all this drama. but sometimes, a lot lately, i get tired. really tired.

when something inside you dies

I haven't had inspiration from much lately. And it feels like too much work to find strength from within.

Maybe it's the weather? I'm not entirely sure.

Nothing gets me very excited. I think maybe I expected too much.

Most things are pretty bland lately. I've never been one to get really depressed but I suppose it could start with various triggers. I'm not saying that's where I'm at, but I do wonder why it is that something really feels like it has died in me. It feels like there's a dark place. Like I'm losing someone, some place, that I'll never get back. I hate letting go. It feels like giving up. I hate giving up. I hate just having to accept things that I'm not happy about. "Be true to who you are", they say, but what if being true to who you are doesn't seem to work for you?

I don't think there's anything essentially wrong with me. But there are certain things I cannot do. There are certain things that I cannot change.

And it's just dark and sad, and more often than I have in a while, I feel like crying.

i'm taking a poll of sorts

If any of you who might happen to read my post has told a friend that you have more than friendly feelings for him/her, I would appreciate it if you commented and let me know how it went. How long were you friends for? Was it reciprocated? How did you tell him/her? Did it work out? Not work out? Ruin the friendship? I really want to hear both sides of the tale. Any further insights or comments outside these questions would also be appreciated.

where am I now?

I often think, "Who am I?" nowadays. This isn't unusual, except that considering how old I am, many probably think I should be over this.

I do so many things that seem incongruent. They all make up who I am. The positive spin on this is that I AM this conglomeration of disjointed, jagged pieces. It's exciting and dynamic. The negative spin is that I truly don't know myself. That it's taking me a really long time to figure things out. But then, maybe it's just the case that those who say they've figured themselves out are somehow disillusioned and fooling themselves.

More and more, too, I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's the weather. It gets dark so soon. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get out of work. I've taken to going to a little chapel to pray/think during part of my lunch hour. Yes, can you believe I pray? I figure most people do even if they don't know it. I think even just talking out loud, yelling at life, enjoying life can be prayer. Wow, I sound Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that I've met a few too many righteous fanatics that I fear that saying such a thing as "I pray" will conjure up angry thoughts.

Nonetheless, I am sad more often than not.

I long for the carefree belief in who I am. The confidence in my intelligence and expertise that I used to feel most often. I know that it left when he left, as non-progressive as that sounds. But, really, I guess, such things happen no matter which important person leaves our lives. Anyway, that whole situation threw me into a state of i-have-no-idea. I'm still there. I don't know how any of this works. The struggle to keep it together bears down on me.

I'm realizing that the other no longer even sees this. That he may not even believe me when I complain that things aren't going well. On the outside, things look great. I can see that they're great. I don't have much to complain about. But feeling lost encompasses a lot of areas and emotions.

I'm also saddened that he used to be one of my best friends. Someone who seemed to understand that there was more to me than the smile and friendliness.

Change is inevitable, I know. I just hate having to just let it all go. Why am I always letting go? Why doesn't anyone feel like they're letting me go. I feel rather dispensable. I'm indispensable when it comes to my job and what I do for others then. But outside of what I do with my brain and hands, the part that is just me seems dispensable.

He didn't stay for me. No one, except my family and a few close friends, goes the extra mile for me. I've done that for people. I'm getting sick of doing it for people who then don't seem to even remember it. Ok, guys, that is. It's tiring.

Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be alone.

I don't think I'm any good to anybody right now. I'm moody and want to cry. The stupid part is that I know that I've made decisions or have allowed my thoughts to weigh down on me without concrete evidence. But, as I've mentioned before, I still have powers of perception, which, though they could be wrong, have been quite accurate in the past.

As a result, I'm not happy. I hate that only his voice or e-mail can turn my mood around. I don't think that's a good thing. At the same time, letting go of this means being COMPLETELY alone in that department. Not that I think it's a bad thing, because I've been that way before. It's just that added to this is the thought that he'll go to someone else.

I think that a mistrust of anyone new that comes along has settled in me. I don't want to go out with anyone. This only means that I'm not completely over the breakup, though I'm pretty much over him. And then I just get angry. Because I hate that in an indirect way, he still has power over me. It means that it really does take an obscene amount of time to get over someone you once loved deeply.

Its effect is scary and even emotionally debilitating. I do want to drown in something dark. Like the way it feels when you're asleep. But I don't really want to be asleep because I'm not consciously feeling myself heal. In a way, I want a controlled loss of feeling.

And so, it's no wonder that he can't possibly feel the same way about me now as he did before he left. The girl he met after a year isn't the same. She's quieter, more withdrawn, and content to watch the world, actively observe it, without stating her opinion on it. She's not quite sure where she stands on a lot of things---the loss of someone before threw everything up in the air. She doesn't laugh as loudly, jump around like a child, get excited very easily, or act silly very often. She does't know what to say to him because she wants so much for everything to be the way it was---fun and easy---but there seems to be too much to say that can't be said yet. She perceives that the result is undesirable. The projection of herself rather dim. She grows quiet in crowds and isn't sure how he takes this. She thinks the thoughts in his head go something like, "God this is pretty boring. What could we do that's exciting?" And, with a lack of ideas because she no longer brings out magical ideas in him, he opens a book, confirming the thoughts she conjectured were in his head.

She longs for him to know that she understands many of his thoughts and dreams, but hasn't found the right atmosphere or tone for such a conversation. They may never get to that point where they can talk that way again. She's saddened by this. Saddened and angered by the havoc that time wreaks and by the decay of even purportedly strong bonds.

She's frustrated by the helplessness that this knowledge brings. It's a crushing knowledge---that optimism doesn't yield lasting hope, that nothing that she played a part in creating lasts forever.

The pain is really hard to bear. She tries to keep it down. To remember that she's thankful for so many things. But sometimes, giving in to the enemy's grip seems her deserved fate. A punishment, of sorts, for allowing it to get close.

so what do you do...

...when you feel like your insides are empty? (It only took less than a minute.) ...when the slow sunset of realization pushes the strength out of you? And suddendly, I'm truly alone. I feel so lost and dumb. I cannot really write what happened. I think that if I did, no one would see definitive proof. But sometimes, you just know. The way you know that the present under the tree is the one you've been wanting all year long.

I want to get lost somewhere. Somewhere dark. Where I can close my eyes away from people. Where I can just drown in the absence, in the loss of feeling.

Once again, I'm the stupid one. Why is it that I never quite believe signs when they first grin deviously? I'm fooled by the fiendish lure.

And now I just want to cry, but tears aren't going to come. Not freely. My family would hear. Someone would see me and ask if I'm okay.

I don't want to be asked if I'm ok. I want to be left alone. I really just want to get lost. To lose all senses. But drinking won't solve it. I would feel the numbness.

I'm not quite sure what to do.

The rational part of me, the one that always looks at the brighter side of things, says that everything will be ok. That all may not, in fact, be lost. That I don't really have any concrete facts to support my so-called knowledge. And if it turns out I'm right, it could only be for the better. That there's someone out there who will know me better than anyone. Whom I won't have to work so hard at winner over---whom I won't even have to win over!

But I don't believe any of this right now. I see people and buildings and sunlight around me, but no one with me.

I don't quite know what to do about it, though I've been through it before. I know this will all pass again. I just wish I wouldn't have to live like this, watching things pass.

my moment of weakness

Nothing has happened though he's been back for a couple of weeks now. I don't know how much longer I can take this waiting. We're friends. That's obvious. We care. That's obvious. But I can see him being attracted to someone else and then deciding he'd like to try that out instead. I care. I care sooo much. Friends think something will happen. We're obviously really close and special to each other. But what if nothing ever does. I CANNOT just tell him how I feel when I don't have an indication of what he feels. Part of the problem, I think, is that we're both the same in that we're able not to let on about what we really feel. So, basically, we're screwed. Actually, I'm screwed. I know I'm being stubborn. I should be grown up about this. Talk about it with him. But I'm not going to. Besides, if he's interested, and we're alone enough times, won't he eventually do it? It's not like he's never asked anyone out before, so why the hell can't he just ask me out? I hate this. It's this circular maze with no exit. I hate it. Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention I hate this? Did I mention I'm fucked?! I'm starting to think I'm gonna be screwed over again. That I'm feeling a lot for someone, AGAIN, and it won't be returned the same way.

But wait, odd, that just means that you haven't found the right guy.

But he feels like the right guy.

But you got over the other one, you'll get over this one too, and someone special will come your way and it'll be just right.

But I don't want anyone else!!!

You might. You never know who will come along.

I want him to come along.

Uh huh.

And I sit in my room in near-tears.

something new?

there's nothing to stop us now
and in the darkness
all i wanted to do was sit in silence with you

don't we talk because we're scared?
because we know what would happen if we did
because we could
and we're so close
and what if we did
and see what's on the other side

i just want to be in darkness and silence

i'm just saying

The sun surrounded you, and though I could barely see your face, I knew it was you. The way your hair and body were branded by the sun into my eyes. It was the moment I had waited for---your return.

I said a few things, just as though you hadn't been away, and suddently remembered that I needed to hug you. The setting was different from the picture in my mind, my approach less hurried, and less anxious than I had projected. My smile was nowhere as big, and I didn't jump into your arms.

Instead, I walked toward you with outstretched arms and a smile that, I hope, let you know that I was, in the simplest way, happy to see you again. You lifted me off my feet, as my arms encircled your neck. I wonder how you looked when you hugged me and spun me around, 360. I know our eyes met, as I wrapped both my legs to your right, for whatever-the-hell-reason. I suppose it was a sudden playfulness reminiscent of the time before you left. Don't remember what you said exactly, maybe, "How are you?"

It was kind of awkward. You commented on my hair, my shoes, and I, on your sun-kissed skin. Conversation didn't flow, but we were definitely happy to see each other again, in a strange, uneasy way. I couldn't look you in the eye, for a while. I don't think you could look me in the eye, either. I recall you averting them quite a bit at first.

We played a bit, as though reminding the other that that's what we used to do. I wonder if they noticed.

And everytime our eyes met thereafter, everything else, everyone else, blurred around me. You were looking right at me, only me.

Please tell me I'm not alone.

settling in

Finally have the net at home!! Still, it's really hard to blog when my family is up here a lot. It's nice because they really miss me, my brothers included.

Let's see...I'm decorating my room, started a new job (I got a job my first try!! Totally by chance coz a friend showed me a posting. I'm seriously lucky. I didn't even have to do the whole job search thing!!) It's a good job, too, right up my alley. Just challenging enough to keep me from being bored, but not too much that I have to worry about it at night.

And...he's back. I'm seeing him tomorrow with a bunch of friends for the first time. I'm excited, naturally. Though part of me wonders how he's changed in a year. How I've changed.

Ok...so I had all these other thoughts all typed out. Then Blogger screwed up. Now I don't want to retype coz I'm no longer in the mood to replicate. Bah!

Off to unpack. Got lotsa stuff...shites!!

eep!

no e-mail at home. only office. no blog ops. eep!