uncertainty

I think that a large part of the lack of posts here is that I've been making more of an effort to stop thinking about the same issues all the time.

I do miss this blog, though.

I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.

But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.

Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.

I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.

Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.

I sure can be silly.

But even smart people need that, right?

But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.

I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.

So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.