where am I now?

I often think, "Who am I?" nowadays. This isn't unusual, except that considering how old I am, many probably think I should be over this.

I do so many things that seem incongruent. They all make up who I am. The positive spin on this is that I AM this conglomeration of disjointed, jagged pieces. It's exciting and dynamic. The negative spin is that I truly don't know myself. That it's taking me a really long time to figure things out. But then, maybe it's just the case that those who say they've figured themselves out are somehow disillusioned and fooling themselves.

More and more, too, I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's the weather. It gets dark so soon. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get out of work. I've taken to going to a little chapel to pray/think during part of my lunch hour. Yes, can you believe I pray? I figure most people do even if they don't know it. I think even just talking out loud, yelling at life, enjoying life can be prayer. Wow, I sound Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that I've met a few too many righteous fanatics that I fear that saying such a thing as "I pray" will conjure up angry thoughts.

Nonetheless, I am sad more often than not.

I long for the carefree belief in who I am. The confidence in my intelligence and expertise that I used to feel most often. I know that it left when he left, as non-progressive as that sounds. But, really, I guess, such things happen no matter which important person leaves our lives. Anyway, that whole situation threw me into a state of i-have-no-idea. I'm still there. I don't know how any of this works. The struggle to keep it together bears down on me.

I'm realizing that the other no longer even sees this. That he may not even believe me when I complain that things aren't going well. On the outside, things look great. I can see that they're great. I don't have much to complain about. But feeling lost encompasses a lot of areas and emotions.

I'm also saddened that he used to be one of my best friends. Someone who seemed to understand that there was more to me than the smile and friendliness.

Change is inevitable, I know. I just hate having to just let it all go. Why am I always letting go? Why doesn't anyone feel like they're letting me go. I feel rather dispensable. I'm indispensable when it comes to my job and what I do for others then. But outside of what I do with my brain and hands, the part that is just me seems dispensable.

He didn't stay for me. No one, except my family and a few close friends, goes the extra mile for me. I've done that for people. I'm getting sick of doing it for people who then don't seem to even remember it. Ok, guys, that is. It's tiring.

Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be alone.