and yet i am still single

So the thing is, the reason I know he likes me is because a friend spoke to him about it. I was scared shitless. I figured he would think, 'awww...poor odd, she likes me and i don't like her. but that's ok, we're still friends.'

It turns out, he has liked me for as long as I've liked him. The problem seems to be fear. Fear of ruining something so good in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't rush this. I know I'm so scared myself. I know that I keep thinking that anything can happen between this revelation and its potentially wonderful conclusion.

He may decide that this isn't a good idea after all.

I now also have proof that it doesn't help me to know he feels the same way about me because I still wonder daily whether something has happened to change that. Though, deep inside, I know it hasn't changed.

I think that I was hurt deeply enough the last time that words aren't enough. I've heard words that mean so much one moment and then mean only memories the next. I place no trust in them.

This, of course, led me to think that perhaps I am not so prepared as I thought for another relationship.

Does this mean I shouldn't have one? I don't necessarily think so. Perhaps this just happens when you've been hurt too much already. You second-guess, you pull away, you're scared to look him in the eye too long because it makes you vulnerable and too exposed.

I want this. There isn't a question about it. But I know that I do things that perhaps betray how scared I am and so it's hard for either of us to get in the mood to talk about it.

But, I continue to have a great time with him. I think he knows I know that he knows and that I know that feels the same.

Now it's just a matter of time, right? Until we learn, perhaps, how to be more than friends and ease our way into things? I'm hoping so. It's like there's a delicate crystal between us and we're afraid to touch it in case it breaks and we can't put it back the same way.

I still feel helpless most of the time, though. I'm impatient even though I like things slow like this. I'm impatient for the time all falls into place. But I know I can't do anything to rush the most natural outcome.

It really sucks that I can't even enjoy this tentative, exciting dance. I danced this before and it ended with me being hurt. It's hard for me to enjoy what I know should be making me soar.