thoughts for the new year

Everytime I sit down to type, I don't feel like it anymore.

But I thought I would make an effort while I'm ripping CDs.

I haven't been very happy lately. I've been terribly short-tempered, particularly toward my mom who seems to want so badly to just hang out with me. Isn't it always the case that we hurt the ones we love most? It must be some strange way of punishing ourselves. That way, I can hate myself more for being such a bitch.

I extend my meanness toward my dad, who doesn't usually get the brunt of anything because he's such a quiet man. I do this because I don't want to let my mom feel that anyone escapes my bad mood---in a twisted way, I do this to be fair.

I've been watching more movies lately and immersing myself in books. I'm looking for words of wisdom; something to get me out of this mess.

I watched Garden State last night, and the main character began to feel again after coming off medication. The trouble is, that I'm not on medication, but I have felt numb for months now. The worst part, which is, perhaps, I can't tell, different from being medicated, is that I can feel my numbness.

I've lost a passion for many things. Nothing makes me happy or smile for any extended period of time. I know that I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes, I think that that's where that whole kind of thing starts. I wonder how it is people get that way. I have a family and friends who love me and look out for me, but a lot of the time, I feel lonely.

I sound depressed, don't I? Maybe I should be medicated. But, in truth, I haven't lost hope that I can get myself out of this. Nothing I've been through is so terrible that I can't get through it.

And there I go again. Mom interrupted me and I snapped at her. I could have just said I need a half hour. Fuck!

I watched Conan and that made me laugh. Watched Last Samurai...ICK! But, there was beauty in some scenes. Unfortunately, beauty that I don't feel is mine; that doesn't stick with me anymore.

How weak am I that I am like this without anything to blame it on?...no death, no abuse, no physical pain...What should happen to me if something bad does happen? I used to be called brave and strong. I'm neither of those things now.

I'm trying my best stop this and leave it behind for the new year. At midnight, I will toast to my family. I will hug them and kiss them and mean every act. And then there will be no special phone call to greet me, nor will there be anyone for me to call.

Everything is temporary. But I want so much for something to mean something that doesn't have to have meaning.

I want my job to have meaning. I want something to be mine. I want to believe in the good I do for all those people that I help, though in usually small ways, everyday. But it's like I don't have the conviction to believe in what I do for them. I really need this "strength of conviction" that I seem to have lost somehow.

Is it in the loss of independence? I do feel trapped. As though this is it. I've barely started my new job and already I know it's not my place. But that place I want to be seems so distant. I don't have the money to pursue my own dreams. At the same time, I know that I have never invested ALL that I could in its pursuit. The stupid part is that I know part of the reason I didn't is to be with someone I loved. And here again, I find myself waiting.

Is this bad for me? Which route will I regret more? Will it ever all come together?

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. In a grander sense. I wait for a natural solution to things without risking all of me. Maybe my life has just been a series of half-starts. I may say this is because I don't want to close any doors, but perhaps it is that I don't want to blame myself if any door locks behind me.

And suddenly, I'm not so sure what to do. I'm in this bland world all by myself and I don't know what to do with it. I want to get out. I know that I have the power to do this. Only I can change my own view.

I'm fully aware that my life is too short to be spent in sadness. I can make every future second count for something, even if it is just to make someone else smile.

I loved that line from the play, Time of Your Life: "In the time of your life, live, so that in that sweet time there shall be no death for you or for any life your life touches."

I didn't know then how difficult it would be to live by that.

What I don't understand is why this weakness in me is manifesting itself now. Well, I have a theory. It's because I've been separated from someone I loved dearly. And now that there isn't someone immediately there to fill the void, I find myself having to deal with everything on my own.

In truth, I haven't been on my own in a long time. A relationship that lasted almost five years WILL have its impact.

I have prayed for many things. My deepest wish, though I'm not sure that I have prayed for this, is that I learn to be happy on my own. I know, deep down, that this is the only way in which I can be strong again. It's only when I'm whole and know what to do with myself that I'll be able to love life, my family, my friends, other people, completely again.

I'm fighting everyday. It seems such a crybaby problem when people are dying and are experiencing tragedies so much greater than this.

But I wonder whether a personal tragedy, though small, might not be so great as a tsunami, an earthquake. I've never been one to believe that one's problems may be compared to another's. I've always been careful to remember that each person carries his/her own background and set of influences that compound one's reaction to a difficulty.

But, it's a new year. There is the possibility for good that comes with every second, and with it, the possibility for love and beauty. EVERY SECOND!! If I can smile in the next second, it's my duty to try.

It's just so hard right now. But I promise to try.