my first post of the new year

Wow. It sure has been a long absence.

I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.

I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.

Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.

I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."

That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.

I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.

I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.

But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.

He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.

I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.

It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.

But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.

I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.