...

it sucks that i've gotten keeping a smile on my face down to an art. almost every night, i've cried. except for saturday and sunday night.

i know that it doesn't all have to do with this current situation. i know that a significant part of it has to do with picking at a scab that hasn't completely healed, even though what has caused the itch is different.

i'm just not so strong right now, i don't think. i don't take the thought of impending loss very well. so, naturally, i think "catastrophe" right away.

i don't get e-mails from him like i used to although he's around now. i do see him often enough, though. i guess it's a trade off. i wish i knew how much of this negative feeling comes from the fact that i expected it to be the same as before he left. a lot of it has to do with that, i bet.

i hate the sadness. i'm getting better at not letting it get me down all day. the effort it takes to keep everything at bay---enough so i can concentrate on work---is very tiring. i wish i didn't have to do this. how long is it going to take before i can truthfully say that i'm happy again?

i wish i had these answers. i wish that someone could tell me that in the end, he'll be there. i wish that leaving it up to fate, God, whatever you wanna call it, means that it'll all work out the way i want it to. but none of this can be guaranteed. it's the beauty of life, supposedly, all this drama. but sometimes, a lot lately, i get tired. really tired.