...when you feel like your insides are empty? (It only took less than a minute.) ...when the slow sunset of realization pushes the strength out of you? And suddendly, I'm truly alone. I feel so lost and dumb. I cannot really write what happened. I think that if I did, no one would see definitive proof. But sometimes, you just know. The way you know that the present under the tree is the one you've been wanting all year long.
I want to get lost somewhere. Somewhere dark. Where I can close my eyes away from people. Where I can just drown in the absence, in the loss of feeling.
Once again, I'm the stupid one. Why is it that I never quite believe signs when they first grin deviously? I'm fooled by the fiendish lure.
And now I just want to cry, but tears aren't going to come. Not freely. My family would hear. Someone would see me and ask if I'm okay.
I don't want to be asked if I'm ok. I want to be left alone. I really just want to get lost. To lose all senses. But drinking won't solve it. I would feel the numbness.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
The rational part of me, the one that always looks at the brighter side of things, says that everything will be ok. That all may not, in fact, be lost. That I don't really have any concrete facts to support my so-called knowledge. And if it turns out I'm right, it could only be for the better. That there's someone out there who will know me better than anyone. Whom I won't have to work so hard at winner over---whom I won't even have to win over!
But I don't believe any of this right now. I see people and buildings and sunlight around me, but no one with me.
I don't quite know what to do about it, though I've been through it before. I know this will all pass again. I just wish I wouldn't have to live like this, watching things pass.
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