here i am again

I find myself in that same emotional slump that I fall into almost every night. Tonight I feel it more acutely.

I just don't know what to do about him.

What is it that he's waiting for? Are his actions a way to make up for not being able to date me? Or are they a way of feeling out the situation, letting me know that he's trying to better himself so that one day we can be together?

I don't know which it is. I don't know what to do. He is incredibly important to me. And if I destroy anything, I couldn't ever forgive myself. I want to decide to just let this lie. To forget about it. Don't they say that if someone doesn't jump at the chance to have a relationship with you, it means they're just not interested in that way? Are there ever really any exceptions to that?

Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe it's crazy for me to even hope. What should I do? Talk to him about it. What, so that I can just get my heart trampled on? That must be what I believe to be the truth---that he simply doesn't want this. Otherwise, won't I have a more positive outlook? Wouldn't I take the care he seems to have shown toward me to mean something hopeful? Or am I just protecting myself by thinking negatively?

I no longer know. I have reached the end of my ability to decipher anything to do with this.

First and foremost, we are friends. But I find myself wondering whether to even call him or ask him to go out; just in case it brings on a conversation in which he makes it clear that this means nothing more to him than friendship.

But he has asked me to do stuff. But again, is it simply because he feels bad that he can't give me what I want? Or is it because he's showing me he likes me but needs time to work things out?

I'm so scared that in the time it takes for us to get to where I would like us to be, someone else will find her way into his heart. I'm so scared of that. Because I know how much it will hurt.

Above all, though, I want to remain his friend. But what do you do when it's so hard to be that? I'm afraid of losing that most of all.

So I need to come to a decision. Maybe I just need to let go. To stop thinking about this. I've made that decision repeatedly, and everytime, he does something that gives me hope. But again, maybe that's just friendship.

I need to just be his friend. It's just so hard. I'm suppressing feelings that, at the end of the night, make me cry.

Maybe I'm just too fragile for all of this right now? Maybe all this is too soon? But I want to be ready soon. I don't want to turn my head and find that it's too late. Time has already robbed me of too much and has hurt me too much.

I feel so frustrated, and so alone.