Just a little something I took while on the train last summer.

I've been relishing a couple of days off. I've cleaned my place completely...talk about a tiring task!

I've been rather content, actually. I spent some time with my family and a lot of time by myself. I find that I'm not even thinking about him and we've been really comfortable around each other lately. I see and feel glimpses of the way we were a long time ago.

I feel as though I'm getting to the last stages of having the door open. My arm's getting tired. No, that's not it. More like I've got other things to do, so if he wants to come in, he'll just have to open the door...before I lock it, that is. Otherwise, he'll have to knock, and if I'm having a party, I may not hear him. This is a good thing! But I can't stand the thought of him not being there for the rest of my life. I'm worried that having people between us, i.e other people we become emotionally involved with, will eventually lead us to drift apart. I've been scared of this for a while and nothing has come of it, so perhaps this won't even come to pass. I'm really quite happy with the way our friendship is right now.

Mostly, I find that I can't even bring myself to think about him. There's nothing more to think and nothing more to say. Part of the reason, I think, is because I know I can still count on him to be there for me. I've come to realize that I really, really needed to know that. Maybe I was afraid all along that all this will end our friendship. I had to do a lot of self-convincing.

I've been feeling a deeper sense of calm than I've known in a while and as a result, I even have creative urges coming through naturally once again.

It's all very exciting for me...a taste of that feeling I usually only get in the spring. Could it be that I'm actually starting to experience happiness with myself? Oh my!!

Lovin' it.

round 'n' round

Sometimes, even when you know that there will not be a conclusion to your thoughts. You go there anyway. Play the scene in your head, wonder about what was thought, or think up hypothetical conversations. How did that smile look? Did you see me differently? Did you discover something else?

And some things have no end...bass, and notes, and drums, and footwork, and sweat...and this vast stretch and this deep breath.

oh the toothache i'm getting

It makes me smile.

He left me this message. Jazz. Fucking good jazz. No words, just the music. It made me smile and take in the sun out my window.

I've been thinking that I sure wish I'd come up and see that there's a message from him. And there it was.

He's such a good friend.

been working like a hound dog

It's taking all my energy, physically and mentally, to keep stress at bay. I've exercised my right to delegate a bit...funny how I didn't think of it right away.

My friends are either falling in love or not being successful at finding it. I find it hard to keep in touch and make room for quality conversation, targeting those who need it most first. There are still a couple of dear friends that I haven't contacted in ages!

I can't wait until this busy time is over. I need a massage!

An interesting thing...I find that fighting to keep the stress level down, though a very useful coping mechanism, is actually harder work than just diving in and tackling tasks.

Now I'm off to unwind. And then, to sleep.

silence

Ever have those moments when suddenly you grow quiet? You're fine and having fun in this really calm way, but you become really aware that you are significantly less talkative than you were earlier.

That happened to me tonight and it sucks when someone notices...actually, it only sucks when there are people you don't know very well around. I probably just came off as this strange girl.

Oh well. First impressions will be as they may be.

My ex is now dating someone else. He told me because he thought I should know. Why? Because he thinks I'm waiting for him? No, I think it's more because there is a connection between us that will always be there. We were truly happy. There was romance, passion, and friendship. We even created together. Music and literature played a big role in our connection.

I marvel at the coming together of people and the way that their separation changes them forever. People have a need to touch and come together, but pulling them apart has such terrible effects that I almost wonder whether we were truly meant to get that close. Or, we are, and we're simply meant to hurt, too. Yeah, yeah, get close, real close...oh, but by the way, it's gonna hurt like hell to come apart, so, um, don't know if you you really wanna do that.

Ok...really sleepy now. I feel babbling coming on, so I'll spare you.

change

I have come to realize that I do this strange thing. Lately, for some reason, guys come up to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I have to say I feel strange writing that because it may sound like I'm showing off. But, to be honest, I write about this because it's all new to me. It's really, really flattering! Though I hate to follow through on this thought, I think that my past disappointments have, in a way, made me wonder what exactly it is about me that empowers guys to go away. Seriously, I think that I give them the confidence to go and follow their dreams and leave me alone.

So anyway, back to this strange thing I do...I come home and look in the mirror and try to figure out what angle they see me from and I try to see if I can find what they see. Most times, I think, 'Huh, I do look pretty good tonight.' But of course, I also see the flaws, which I figure most people probably don't even notice despite them being so obvious to me.

I've also been wondering what it is about me lately that catches their attention. You must understand, I can blend in quite well. I might as well be the wall. My friends have always been the ones to turn heads. For a couple of years now, I acknowledge that I've gone out with a dark shade around me. I recall thinking about someone all the time to the extent that I made myself invisible.

But today, as I was looking out my window while drinking coffee and following snowflake paths with my eyes, I found myself quite content. More and more, I'm relishing the freedom of enjoying where I am right now. I look around my apartment and I think, 'Damn! I've got a pretty awesome setup here." I thoroughly enjoy the fact that it's all me right now. My time, my money, my space to move, to think.

I now understand the willful arrest I had put myself under. I don't regret it, but allowing myself the mischief of unbounded thoughts and unbridled possibility takes getting used to after all this time.

There were always things I couldn't do because of my parents' concerns. Then there were my own concerns around losing people. Now, my parents are supportive and the people that mean the most will never be lost. Nothing can stop me now.

I've also taken to listening to music as soon as I wake up again. For some reason, I stopped doing that. I've looked around more and have taken in the sky in a way that I had forgotten---a way that makes me smile. Oh, and that's another thing, I find that I now have a smile on my lips rather than an an expression that says, 'You better not come the fuck near me because you have no idea how much I don't even want to acknowledge that you're coming my way.'

I've had my own space for so long and yet I'm finding that only now am I occupying it so as to take it in. I'm literally breathing more freely. I don't even know if I can describe it well...

I've made room.

muscle

I assembled a rather complicated coffee table today. It took me three hours. I discovered my mistake rather late in the game, but luckily it wasn't that difficult to take pieces apart. Somehow, I managed to keep my patience.

There it is! Done!

While I was screwing in some plastic contraption with tremendous effort (whose purpose I cannot ascertain because it's somewhere under the swivel top), I had to smile at the thought that this would, in the past, have been a typically male task. In fact, the boys in the family would have been doing this were I still living at home. But there I was, with a sheen of sweat and muscular exertion, doing it all by myself. I was very tempted to call him, especially because more strength would have made pushing things together much, much easier; but I rather liked the idea of completing this project that ended up being way more challenging than I thought.

And now I will attempt to regain a normal sleep pattern. Having only gotten 5 hours last night, I think I should fall asleep rather quickly.

I think I'll bring some Either/Or to bed, just in case.

G'night.

a new year!

So obviously, this pic doesn't have anything to do with my post. Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite so obvious.

Haven't felt much like posting lately. And then I did feel like it about a half hour ago and now I sense I'm running out of steam.

I've had a great break this Christmas. It was relaxed and full of food and drink.

Overall, I'd say I feel pretty good about 2005. I'm looking forward to a clearer head this coming year. I've actually felt pretty happy, for the most part, lately. Naturally, the holiday blues hit momentarily.

I simply had to marvel at how hard it is to get over the last guy. I think it's because he's an awesome person and we're still good friends. I have managed to move forward, though, even giving my number to a guy who suggested we do something over the break. I missed the call, though, and there wasn't a message, so of course, I didn't call back.

Part of me doesn't want to try anything with this guy because I would only be doing it to help myself get used to dating. I feel like a bit of a jerk going on dates when I know I want nothing more right now than a few fun nights...light-hearted and full of good food. Is that terrible? The thing is, I know this guy a little. I think that perhaps if I didn't know the guy at all this would be easier. That way, even if he thinks I'm a jerk, it's no big deal because I'll never have to see him again.

But then, I keep thinking, maybe I'm not being such a jerk, dating when I'm not ready for anything serious. I mean, people date for various reasons, right? Not the least of which is getting to know someone new. I just haven't ever dated for the hell of it. Yes, I am rather inexperienced in this regard as I've only gone out with someone I already knew I liked very, very, very much.

I figure that someone just might surprise me when I'm out on one of these "what the hell" dates. I'm thinking about this a lot because I don't want to just use someone to help me believe once more in the possibility of being loved. It's just that, if my heart isn't completely open to something long-term, I'm afraid to disappoint someone who's out there looking for just that.

It sure is funny what loss does to you. I think I'm feeling a rather potent dose and it's not wearing off too quickly. I conjecture that this has to do with the fact that the two people overlapped and no one situation was allowed the room to resolve in comfort.

Once in a while, just when I think it's safe enough to breathe deeply, a strand of memory rises with the intake.

something flattering

This past weekend, I received the most attention ever!

I was dancing at this club and a bartender, out of nowhere, walked up to me and gave me a bottle of water. Oh, if only this were the way guys hit on me all the time! It was just what I needed!

Then, my friends and I went out to eat. A rather handsome lad walked by me and with a gesture of his hand, directed the comment, "Beautiful", to me. When my order arrived, I realized that a table of guys was just staring. Soon, one of them passed a note that said, "Hey cutie, what's your name?" The problem with them, though, is that they stared the whole time and made me uncomfortable. Another note, grammatically incorrect, followed. If I had been in a bad mood, I'd have told them to look elsewhere. It became too much. No subtlety whatsoever.

There was a cute guy across from me though, who made eye contact every now and then. He even talked to me about my order. As he got up to leave, I did a bold thing...I looked him in the eye and nodded. He returned my gaze and kept it even as he walked towards the door. He turned around, as he couldn't help it if he didn't want to bump into anything, but before heading out, he caught my gaze again. Excellent eye connection!...one of those moments where everything around you fades for a few lengthy seconds.

And that's all that happened.

While this story doesn't include big romantic gestures, I would like to note that making obvious eye contact and smiling at a cute guy is not something I've done very much. This is quite a big step for me since my disappointents of late.

This was a much needed reminder that it's only a matter of time until I'm healed enough to welcome someone in. And that perhaps there might, in fact, still be someone out there that will get me.

dear _______,

I guess I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and that I miss you. We are friends, and I can tell that you do love me somehow and that you do care. But you are impenetrable as ever. I know you haven't told me all that there is. I don't think that people can care about each other this way and be satisfied to call it a friendship.

Despite this, I leave room for my own foolish misinterpretations.

I wish that you would call me like you used to and that I would call you. Of course, we don't do this anymore. The time between calls just may get longer from now on. But you know the reason we did that right? Because we both wanted something from the other. Before I said anything, it was great living in that ambiguity. There's no real pain there. In fact, it was teeming with expectation.

I still don't understand how my saying something made us both step back... like I broke that fragile cup and everything spilled all over so that there's nothing for us to share. Why couldn't that expectation just explode over us as happiness? Was I really that mistaken?

When you look at me now, it's all so comfortable, but sometimes, I think we're aware, at the same time, of what happened. When I talk to you, I forget it all. But I leave you and it's not at all the same.

Our friendship wasn't ever really a friendship. If you're honest, I know you'll see that. That's why I don't get it at all. You returned everything just as much as I did. I think we just did it at the wrong times.

But if someday you happen to look at me and see something new, don't hesitate to tell me. No matter what obstacle there appears to be, just say it and let me decide what to do with it.

Because the truth is that I love you. And I can't help but think that maybe that's what scares you...because you're afraid that you can hurt me more than anyone can.

But I do love you. And now I have to put that aside so that someone else can come in. So that maybe I can love someone else. So that I can find someone who's not afraid to hurt me...who can see that I'm stronger than I seem. Someone who isn't going to be afraid to risk it all and who, because he risks losing me entirely, I'll never lose.

Love,
_____

hot apple cider

...makes me happy and reminds me of being cozy indoors with snow outside.

It also reminds me of my ex, though I'm drinking a different brand right now. In my head I remember the feeling of the slight smile on my lips, seeing the red packaging, him handing it to me and looking at me with a smile.

I like that the memories no longer pain me.

mmmm...

tired and sleepy

I really wanted to post today, but I spent time searching to see whether my blog is still listed on Blogarama and Blogwise. Somehow, I'm no longer on Blogarama.

Oh well.

Been much better lately, having done the things I love to do. Little by little, it will all come together. Introducing the optimistic me! Yes, it still exists.

What I need to do is ensure that I am not consumed by work, however. I'm just pretty new at this job, so I'm always anxious to be doing the right thing and not making hasty decisions.

I've also come to the conclusion that creativity is as essential to me as the air I breathe. I'm happiest when I can spend time doing it. I'm happiest when there's an audience for it because it's really the only way I can shut self-consciousness off. It's as though through art's guise, I can be excused from any shortcomings as the process of its creation is forgiving. Audiences might not always be so kind, but I think that for anyone who believes in the necessity of errors in the search for the right expression, there's even something about the rawest piece that allows a glimpse into the artist.

So, I've resolved that if my introverted nature can only come out through art in one form or another, then I have to do it. It's part of what's been missing all these years, as self-absorption (though I can also see how the creative process can lead to this) and emotional chaos have taken over too much.

Oh look, I've posted anyway.

G'night.

someday

someday i won't feel so lonely anymore, right? someday, someone will hold me again...someone will tell me i'm beautiful. someday, someone will want me again. someday, i'll feel sexy and he'll look at me with a hungry look that i've only ever seen once in my life. someday, i won't cry like this anymore. someday, someone will help me with the furniture and with the cooking. someday, someone will make me laugh, make me angry and kiss me afterwards. someday, it won't be such hard work. someday, i'll just be laughing all the time. someday, i'll want to make music again. someday, i won't have to push. someday, i'll know who i am, and i'll know because i won't even be thinking about it. someday, i'll have confidence again. someday, i'll believe that i don't go unnoticed. someday, my smile will mean something so completely unique to someone. someday, there'll be someone to sleep with and awake to. someday, i'll have naked breakfast with someone. someday, i'll share everything with someone. someday, i'll feel someone's body impossibly close to mine. someday, i'll be so lost in love i won't have room for anything else for a while, and when i'm no longer lost, i'll still be in love.

someday this will happen, right? because i can't continue to feel this sad all the time, right?

I feel restless and trapped. I wish that everything didn't feel so heavy. I feel like everything I do doesn't corectly represent who I am anymore or what I'm feeling. I sure wish something would make me ecstatically happy. Hell, even just a little bit happy would be good.

I'm pacing quite a bit. I'm still awesome at putting on a show. To the outside world, my life is quite good. Work is good, my place is good. But I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm doing things that I want to be doing and yet I'm not happy. I feel incredibly alone.

I'm in search of something that will fill me. Nothing seems to lately. I'm fighting so hard not to let this feeling get to me. No one has done anything, nothing bad is happening to me. It's all just here around me, though.

What scares me most is just this glimmer of a thought...that I will never be as carefree as I once was. That no matter how good things are, I'm just not going to be able to move away from this. I'm just not sure what to do to help myself.

I'm going to keep trying to fight it though. I still believe that it's possible that I'll find some colour in everything again. I just wish I knew right now how to get there faster.

sleep

I've been feeling it for at least three weeks now. It's so hard to shake.

Perhaps more sleep will help, healthier eating. It's all chemicals, right? There are triggers, certainly, but the ability to cope all has to do with chemicals. I don't completely buy that, but it's worth a shot.

I've really been missing him and our friendship as it used to be. I feel like it's just not the same. This goes in waves, though. This is why I think I may just be extra emotional lately.

But I know that things are, in fact, different. I miss my best friend. Though I know it would have been harder on me in the end had I not brought the subject up, I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, at the right time.

I almost want to call him and tell him that all I want is for our friendship to be the same as it was, but I'm afraid he won't even know what the difference is, and that will hurt me more.

I want to ask him to visit more, to keep me company like he used to. This, I figure, is fair, as I see my other close friends at least once a week. I haven't seen him in three.

But again, I'm afraid it will all be taken the wrong way. I'm not denying that, obviously, there are still feelings there, but it's the truth that my aim is not to change his mind.

On the other hand, I don't know whether having him around more often will help me. Maybe what I need is distance. But how do you keep your distance while maintaining a friendship? I couldn't do it with my ex, so how could I do it now, with someone who has been even more of a friend to me to start?

And then there's the job. I want so much to do well in that. I don't want to screw up. And yet there are these little details that escape my attention. I don't want to seem incomptent, but I'm also so tired.

And then there's the music. I'm not spending nearly enough time on that as I should. It's just one thing after another. I'm very tired.

Sleep, yes, sleep. That's what I'll do for now.

ups and downs

The day after my birthday, I felt really low.

My friends left and suddenly, the loneliness hit. He was there. He gave me a present "with love".

Why the hell would he write that? Why now? Because now he feels comfortable?...no risk of my thinking it means more than friendship? Or is he trying to tell me something, something of the blanks that needed to be filled, something about why none of this makes sense?

The good news is that we're still really good friends. My telling him didn't ruin our friendship. I'm sooo happy about that.

But sometimes, it just all becomes too much. The window's slowly sliding down. I don't know whether I should let it down slowly or just go right ahead and slam it shut.

I really shouldn't even be wondering about any of this. He gave me the answer...not a good idea, remember? So why should I keep hoping and wondering whether my closing the door completely will end up being a mistake. It's really no longer my responsibility. It will not even be my fault.

But saying "with love" really irks me. Never before has he said anything like that, so why the hell now? It angered me, as sweet as it was. Who ever thought "love" could make you sad or angry?

God, my writing sucks lately. Partly, there hasn't been as much inspiration and I always feel like I haven't got much time to blog...so much to do.

There are times when all I want to do is call him. I miss the way we were so much. The way we used to laugh all the time! Now, there's enough to talk about, but it never feels as light-hearted as it used to.

You know what I wish?...I wish he'd change his mind. I wish he meant what he wrote in a whole other sense. I hope that he thinks of me often and that at least sometimes, he thinks about how good it might be. Because I do and I remember how good it felt when he held me to comfort me, or when he caught me while play-fighting.

But this is all getting so old. I half-wish I could just shake it off and find someone new.

the road to being happy

I realize that I'm enjoying doing things by myself. I say over and over again that I don't want my happiness to be completed by someone else.

I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish, unfettered by pressures to do something for someone else.

Overall, I am pretty happy. It's really hard, though, not having someone close to share it with. I remember that I felt like this just before I met and eventually fell for my first love.

I'm beginning to think that happiness can't be separated from people. I wouldn't be happy if my friends weren't around, my family.

So basically, I'm wondering how realistic it is to think that I can be completely happy without someone who really knows me; without someone who can share intimately in the ups and downs on the road to happiness.

In the meantime, I'll just have to closely approximate that, I suppose.

starting a new life

Got back recently from a trip to the U.S. of A. Had an awesome time.

I haven't been writing much lately coz I've started a new job and moved to my own apartment in the city. God, I love the city.

I'm finding that I haven't been thinking about him much at all, though occasionally, I do miss him. He's away too, for now.

I was sitting at lunch today, looking at the sky and thinking that I wanted most of all to be happy by myself, even before having him in my life. Perhaps this is all for the best, because that was my first priority anyway. :)

Hope I haven't lost all my readers. I didn't realize that it's been almost a month since I've last posted.

K, where are you? I clicked on your link, but it's been deactivated somehow. I sure hope you haven't stopped blogging. I loved reading your site.

something different

I spoke to him for a bit today.

I had this suspicion that he went to this battle and didn't call me. I was going to call him, but I thought, I really need to stay home, organize, do laundry. Really, I would only go to see him. So...forget it. Turns out he did go and he asked me today if I went.

Weird. Because he usually calls to see if I'm going. Or, I'd call to see whether he's going. None of that happened.

Last week too, we pretended not to see each other at the library. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I know I saw him.

Damn it. We have to get past this. I really hope it's a phase because it really saddens me. Really, really, saddens me.

A MESSAGE
(Coldplay)

my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes up
you don't have to be alone

your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it's so hard to see clearly
you don't have to be on your own
you don't have to be on your own

and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i get that message home

my song is love
my song is love unknown
and i'm on fire for you clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be on your own

and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i'm nothing on my own
got to get that message home

and i'm not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it until it's much too late
on a platform i'm gonna stand and say
that i'm nothing on my own [well, i know i'm somethin']
and i love you, please come home

my song is love, is love unknown
and i've got to get that message home

I love you, don't you see. Not in a consuming kind of way in which I lose myself and what I'm about, but just plain love. I don't want you to feel the same way about me as you did about her. I should be loved differently. I like you with all your indecision, with all your issues, with all your fears, and with that stubborn door to your heart. I want to dance this awkward dance. I want to teach you how to move me until you're not afraid to lead. (Don't you know you already know how to move me?) I just want to see what the music does to us.