change

I have come to realize that I do this strange thing. Lately, for some reason, guys come up to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I have to say I feel strange writing that because it may sound like I'm showing off. But, to be honest, I write about this because it's all new to me. It's really, really flattering! Though I hate to follow through on this thought, I think that my past disappointments have, in a way, made me wonder what exactly it is about me that empowers guys to go away. Seriously, I think that I give them the confidence to go and follow their dreams and leave me alone.

So anyway, back to this strange thing I do...I come home and look in the mirror and try to figure out what angle they see me from and I try to see if I can find what they see. Most times, I think, 'Huh, I do look pretty good tonight.' But of course, I also see the flaws, which I figure most people probably don't even notice despite them being so obvious to me.

I've also been wondering what it is about me lately that catches their attention. You must understand, I can blend in quite well. I might as well be the wall. My friends have always been the ones to turn heads. For a couple of years now, I acknowledge that I've gone out with a dark shade around me. I recall thinking about someone all the time to the extent that I made myself invisible.

But today, as I was looking out my window while drinking coffee and following snowflake paths with my eyes, I found myself quite content. More and more, I'm relishing the freedom of enjoying where I am right now. I look around my apartment and I think, 'Damn! I've got a pretty awesome setup here." I thoroughly enjoy the fact that it's all me right now. My time, my money, my space to move, to think.

I now understand the willful arrest I had put myself under. I don't regret it, but allowing myself the mischief of unbounded thoughts and unbridled possibility takes getting used to after all this time.

There were always things I couldn't do because of my parents' concerns. Then there were my own concerns around losing people. Now, my parents are supportive and the people that mean the most will never be lost. Nothing can stop me now.

I've also taken to listening to music as soon as I wake up again. For some reason, I stopped doing that. I've looked around more and have taken in the sky in a way that I had forgotten---a way that makes me smile. Oh, and that's another thing, I find that I now have a smile on my lips rather than an an expression that says, 'You better not come the fuck near me because you have no idea how much I don't even want to acknowledge that you're coming my way.'

I've had my own space for so long and yet I'm finding that only now am I occupying it so as to take it in. I'm literally breathing more freely. I don't even know if I can describe it well...

I've made room.