ups and downs

The day after my birthday, I felt really low.

My friends left and suddenly, the loneliness hit. He was there. He gave me a present "with love".

Why the hell would he write that? Why now? Because now he feels comfortable?...no risk of my thinking it means more than friendship? Or is he trying to tell me something, something of the blanks that needed to be filled, something about why none of this makes sense?

The good news is that we're still really good friends. My telling him didn't ruin our friendship. I'm sooo happy about that.

But sometimes, it just all becomes too much. The window's slowly sliding down. I don't know whether I should let it down slowly or just go right ahead and slam it shut.

I really shouldn't even be wondering about any of this. He gave me the answer...not a good idea, remember? So why should I keep hoping and wondering whether my closing the door completely will end up being a mistake. It's really no longer my responsibility. It will not even be my fault.

But saying "with love" really irks me. Never before has he said anything like that, so why the hell now? It angered me, as sweet as it was. Who ever thought "love" could make you sad or angry?

God, my writing sucks lately. Partly, there hasn't been as much inspiration and I always feel like I haven't got much time to blog...so much to do.

There are times when all I want to do is call him. I miss the way we were so much. The way we used to laugh all the time! Now, there's enough to talk about, but it never feels as light-hearted as it used to.

You know what I wish?...I wish he'd change his mind. I wish he meant what he wrote in a whole other sense. I hope that he thinks of me often and that at least sometimes, he thinks about how good it might be. Because I do and I remember how good it felt when he held me to comfort me, or when he caught me while play-fighting.

But this is all getting so old. I half-wish I could just shake it off and find someone new.