a new year!

So obviously, this pic doesn't have anything to do with my post. Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite so obvious.

Haven't felt much like posting lately. And then I did feel like it about a half hour ago and now I sense I'm running out of steam.

I've had a great break this Christmas. It was relaxed and full of food and drink.

Overall, I'd say I feel pretty good about 2005. I'm looking forward to a clearer head this coming year. I've actually felt pretty happy, for the most part, lately. Naturally, the holiday blues hit momentarily.

I simply had to marvel at how hard it is to get over the last guy. I think it's because he's an awesome person and we're still good friends. I have managed to move forward, though, even giving my number to a guy who suggested we do something over the break. I missed the call, though, and there wasn't a message, so of course, I didn't call back.

Part of me doesn't want to try anything with this guy because I would only be doing it to help myself get used to dating. I feel like a bit of a jerk going on dates when I know I want nothing more right now than a few fun nights...light-hearted and full of good food. Is that terrible? The thing is, I know this guy a little. I think that perhaps if I didn't know the guy at all this would be easier. That way, even if he thinks I'm a jerk, it's no big deal because I'll never have to see him again.

But then, I keep thinking, maybe I'm not being such a jerk, dating when I'm not ready for anything serious. I mean, people date for various reasons, right? Not the least of which is getting to know someone new. I just haven't ever dated for the hell of it. Yes, I am rather inexperienced in this regard as I've only gone out with someone I already knew I liked very, very, very much.

I figure that someone just might surprise me when I'm out on one of these "what the hell" dates. I'm thinking about this a lot because I don't want to just use someone to help me believe once more in the possibility of being loved. It's just that, if my heart isn't completely open to something long-term, I'm afraid to disappoint someone who's out there looking for just that.

It sure is funny what loss does to you. I think I'm feeling a rather potent dose and it's not wearing off too quickly. I conjecture that this has to do with the fact that the two people overlapped and no one situation was allowed the room to resolve in comfort.

Once in a while, just when I think it's safe enough to breathe deeply, a strand of memory rises with the intake.