Don't even have a title

So here I am, faced with the task of writing my thesis. There's nothing left to do. The data's in. Been reading forever. Nothing left to do but write. I have soooo much information. This is a daunting task. How the fuck do I begin? Actually, I've already started, but the process is slow.

I admit to being rather obsessed with worry over my daughter's allergies. I just had B over for lunch at my office and it was great, but I had to talk about my fear over her teacher using a vegan margarine from her house. What if it has been accidentally cross-contaminated with a utensil used to spread it over bread that might have egg in it? Or perhaps there's a splash of milk in there? When your child could die it forces you to look for dangers and prevent them. I happen to already be prone to perfectionism/anxiety/etc. so finding these dangers seems to come without effort. Sometimes I wish I could let reason reign --- There would be such a small amount of the allergen that a reaction is highly unlikely. But then my mind flits to facts such as: there is no known amount that does not cause a reaction. In fact, even trace amounts can do it. --- Cue the worries flooding in. Also, did you know that ALL food allergies (IgE-mediated ones, non-IgE ones seem to be understudied, at least from all I've read) can cause anaphylaxis whether or not the person has a history of severe reactions? That's why I just hate when I hear/read someone say, "I'm allergic to ____, but it's not anaphylactic." Um, then you don't have an allergy, you are simply intolerant to something. Because if you are really allergic you need to go get yourself an epi-pen. 

Anyway, nearly everyday, there is some food-related scene or information that causes my tummy to do a little turn. Libraries, playgrounds, food or drink spilled in the subway, parties, etc. You'd think it would get easier after over two years of dealing with it, but it doesn't. In fact, learning about how much we don't yet know about allergies as well as what we do know makes me more vigilant. 

So, it's hard to write a fucking thesis, when life has such a distraction.

sometimes, the feeling...

Having a baby really knocks things out of you. It really can feel like pieces of yourself have scattered and you'll never get them back. Maybe that's actually the case, or maybe they just stray temporarily. I don't know. I'll let you know if I find out. 

There's so much that I can't do right now. And yet so much that is new that I can do. 

I'm just having one of those days wherein I feel completely unoriginal, unprovocative, and rather intellectually blank. Who am I even trying to be? No one, actually. For the most part, I'm too tired to care. 

But I can tell that I'm not feeling good about myself, because I worry that my partner finds someone in his office more interesting, prettier, more amazing generally. Why? I feel like in contrast to me, she is capable of so much more while B works his ass off at home everyday because I seem not to be able to do it myself. Sure, I'm the only one who can breastfeed and put the baby to bed, but she does this too and seems to accomplish much more. She seems like wonder woman---a baby, various projects. I seem like a wimp by comparison. I don't even wear make-up anymore. My old clothes still don't fit right (not since the delivery), but we're in school right now, and I don't think I should spend money. This used to be a bit of a point of pride---there are graver issues in the world (refugee crisis anyone?). But today,  I just feel smaller than I already am, more ragged than I look in the mirror, and terribly uncreative.

Nothing like insecurity to breed jealousy, right? Yeah well, there's my honest post about all this. And I'm sick right now and haven't slept enough. So everything is many things seem negative. 

Waiting

I'm due to have a baby this Sunday, May 4! Crazy, right? We're getting a bit impatient as things are pretty much ready, so we're excited to meet the wee one. We don't know whether it will be a boy or girl, adding to the excitement. Most times, I think of it as a boy, but sometimes it really feels like a girl. Of course, people keep guessing, which I guess is part of the fun.

Pregnancy, especially these last weeks, has been an exercise in patience and waiting. Oh the waiting...through tweaking sensations in my pelvis to discomforts in bed at night. I have to remind myself to enjoy all this because truth is, I'm gonna miss feeling this little one in me. It just moved, actually, and it feels very strong now. The movements used to be lighter, though distinct. Now, they're stronger and more of a pressured push. 

It's really interesting knowing that something is about to happen and yet not really know when. In the meantime, you prepare, and try do everyday things. But all I really do now is think 'baby, baby, baby'! I've stopped my research since about a month ago. Stopped teaching about 2 weeks ago. It's been all baby since then. B and I even went on our last dinner date a couple of Saturdays ago. Deelish!

All the baby clothes are washed and in the drawers. Man, are we lucky to get so many hand-me-downs! The birth announcement has even been prepped. All we need is for this cute little one to come on out. 

The waiting keeps me watchful, keeps me here, keeps me searching for things to do, keeps me more present. I kinda like it, even though part of me wants to finish all the tasks! I must keep achieving small goals. But it's really a simple bit of life. B's home a lot because he's job hunting, so it's really nice being with him and spending lots of time together before we have another life to take care of.

I'm hoping to do this without an epidural. I was nervous about trying this up until last week, but I've now read so many labour and birth descriptions that I've just accepted what might be. Again, interesting phenomenon, because I was quite anxious before and now there's just acceptance.

My life's about to change and I don't even know how, exactly. Already, I feel that I want to draw people I love closer to me, to protect them, because my baby and I need them. I want to keep things clean for the baby, too, and I have to remind myself that I need not be so meticulous. Someone told a friend of mine that having a child is like taking your heart out and having it walk around. I hope my heart keeps safe and happy.

I wonder if I'll be a mom by Mother's Day!

just some musings

So here I am, sitting in a nice coffee shop overlooking an awesome Toronto park. Have I ever mentioned I live in T.O.?

Came to meet a friend that I haven't seen in a long while and wound up seeing another close friend, too, who had walked in just before me. Events like this make the city seems small and friendly. Or, it could be my outlook these days. I would like to acknowledge this happy time in my life. 

The spring didn't start off with much promise...had a bit of a health worry that is now no longer much of a worry. This occupied my mind --- I'm so prone to irrational expansions of minute possibilities --- for a good couple of months. Boo. Anyway, I kept trying to remind myself that I just needed to live because I really couldn't help much of what what was going on.

Did my comprehensive through July and am LOVING August. Been breaking a lot these days. I'm sure regular exercise has improved my mood greatly. Plus, I'm prepping for a piano recital for...maybe the fall?  I count myself lucky to be able to just make art for much of my day. Even my research has to do with art.

On another note, it's amazing how some people can really bring you down. A friend of mine was in a terrible mood last night...shooting down another friend's interests, and generally making things feel negative. Mind you, she had had a blast from a love past, so I understand. But when someone is mostly angry, it's really tough to be around them. I actually thought to myself, I don't know if I can be friends with this person. Which of course, may be a terrible thought, but I seem not to be able to express my own excitement at the things I'm doing because she's in such a negative state. So, if friendships are supposed to be two-way, will this work? 

Other than that, life is marvelous. Just about to go on a date with my partner in this gorgeous weather.

Hope the rest of the summer treats you well. 

Love,

Odd

one more week

And I'll be married!

It has been hard to picture it as we checked off our to-do list.  But now, I get butterflies of excitement.  I want to write about the surge of emotion, how I can't believe I'm marrying my best friend.  Oh now cliché.  What I really feel, though, is peace and clarity.  I didn't know this is what it would be like.

the blahs

I think I've got the February blues.  It's not even really winter.  I decided that I wouldn't push myself to get things done today and emailed my prof that I probably won't be in class since I got home last night and wasn't feeling very well.  I'm not really sick, just terribly brain drained.  I don't have the energy to forge ahead.  So the question is, am I being lazy, wimping out?

Or is this the smarter thing to do.  Am I simply listening to my body and actually heeding what's going on before I plunge back into anxiety?  I'm telling myself this is the case, because somehow this makes it okay to back out of the day for now.

I've been thinking so much...about teaching - Am I doing well?  How does my colleague see me?  How do I earn respect of parents?  About the wedding - gotta get those invitations out!  About my courses - must keep up, must read and think about a thesis, must meet with that prof.  About my own repertoire - Am I done performing?  Am I still cut out for that? I get nervous in front of crowds.  Am I a good accompanist?  I don't ever conclude negatively in answer to these questions.  I think I've learned to be honest and accepting, pinpointing the strengths and the weaknesses.  I think this takes work for me, and a conscious effort not to plunge into extremes of thought and emotion. The result is a tiredness.  I'm not physically ill, and I'm mentally tired.

Surely, that has to be a good reason to take a break.

telling myself it's okay

Once again, I find myself wishing I were more vocal in class, feeling that I have ideas that count for something, but I hesitate...am I wrong? What if I am?  I should really think about this. 

There's someone in my class that is just so good at articulating bright ideas succinctly, without any fear of being challenged.  I'm exactly the opposite.  I'm better now, I say more, but I continue to wonder where my motivations lie.  Do I speak to challenge? To bring up a point for discussion?  Or do I do it out of an expectation?  And this is the crux...What do I really want to do here?  Speak, think, stay silent.  Do I want my thoughts verified, validated? Do I want to seem smart?  Do I just want to contribute?  I really don't know.  It's probably a mix of all of these. But speaking out is still something that goes against so much of my personality.  I like to think and write, and only when comfortable, speak.  I realize that I have a voice and an opportunity, and it feels like shirking obligation not to use it.  But I also feel that there is pressure most people don't realize they are placing on those of us who are naturally introverted, or simply different in social situations.  That more vocal people are privileged by nature of being most readily heard and therefore seen.  And we're not always good at making the quieter ones more comfortable, and I don't blame anyone for that---it's hard to know how to respond to near silence.

So...do I accept who I am and simply take my time until I feel comfortable and ready?  Or, do I push to be heard and seen---and what for, anyway?  Do I disadvantage anyone by my silence?  Or maybe I disadvantage people by forcing something that doesn't feel right? And yet I have come so far by being just what I am, so where do I go from here?

Teaching Dissonances

I've been really lucky recently. I've had new music opportunities come up that I've never expected, one of which is the opportunity to teach an adult student who has experience in composition, but not much formal training. I gather that this student will not want the usual conservatory style approach with it's emphasis on a canon and technique. It makes me wonder if I'm up to the challenge of organizing a very different form of music teaching --- one that is more collaborative, rather than a top-down, expert-student setup.

And I do think I'm up for it, though I'm a bit scared. What would happen if I were no longer to present myself as The Teacher. To me this signals a loss of control. The potential to be overridden due to some perceived inexperience on my part. I'm okay with being wrong, but if because someone doesn't think I know what I'm talking about, it's a whole other issue. But what's so bad about not knowing, anyway? It would mean that I'm open to possibilities, open to seeing what someone else's exercise of power and authority might be like.

I've always been a quiet person, painfully aware that there is an expectation that I speak and contribute. It has always been a challenge for me to feel that I don't want to speak and yet am being pushed to do so. To not speak has been pinpointed with a negative connotation. I am seen as less assertive, and maybe accepting to the point of submission. I worry that if I abandon the role of The Teacher, that I might be seen as a fraud, rather than as a facilitator.

I suppose that being open only works if the potential "receiver" of openness wants it, and is equally open to something unknown or undetermined.

Grad School Dissonances

I cannot believe how long it has been! I've now lost all my old readers, no doubt. What can I say...life has been busy and I guess I haven't had the need to expres myself anonymously. But somehow today, I feel like it.

Yes, I'm in grad school. In a PhD program and it's an interesting thing. I absolutely hate class discussion, but now find myself interjecting. Just today, though I had 2 instances of opposing opinions to what I said. And I didn't offer any further explanation for my original opinion. I don't like making rebuttals. It's already one thing for me to have progressed so far as to speak without overthinking what I'm going to say. Now I am faced with disagreement, which is why I like to overthink in the first place---so I can work out all the possible sides before opening my mouth.

I also realize that part of the problem is that somewhere ingrained in me is a need to have the right answer---get the perfect mark. Though I know this isn't healthy. It's taking so much effort to undo in my own actions.

Okay. That's all for now as I've gotta go get my practice room.

P.S. I never changed my background, and yet my blog has a new one. What the hell?

untitled

sometimes, i wonder if there is an apology in your love
and whether there is a conqueror in mine
i don't always know who i am or my place
and i may never know how this has come to be
perhaps only where i go from here

all in almost a year

Hi hi! Probably no one reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've taken the longest hiatus ever. I didn't mean to do it.

There have been many, many changes, though subtle ones. I'm definitely less stressed out, though it seems my penchant for thinking the worst is hanging around. I became programmed to think 'liability' and to prevent it, so I can feel my brain's propensity for it. It's gonna be hard to break. But seriously, I've definitely made some big and positive changes in my life.

I still live with...was I calling him B? In our lovely home. Still 2 boxes left unpacked, but mostly, it's all set up.

My new job was wonderful, though I was bored out of my mind at times. I did discover that I do enjoy responsibility because being people's bitch, no matter how courteous they are, is just not my cup of tea. I like making big decisions (even though deciding what to have for dinner is a chore), and I like people asking for my opinion.

This job ended today, though. I'm going to grad school! Wheee!! Who knows where this new phase will take me. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't think I'd get in with so little time to prepare, but here I am.

What else...2 of my best friends have gotten married, and I've attended 7 weddings in less than two years. Yeesh. I am, however, still without a rock. To be honest, I'm happy where I am. Before getting into grad school, I most definitely did not even think of marriage or children. Though once, in my decision-making about grad school, I said to B, "Hmmm..well, I guess I also want kids". "I did wonder if you want that", he said. I was surprised he didn't think I really thought of it. Turns out he's thought of it. I told him he really should've just out and asked me about it. It made me feel right about deciding to go ahead and get the MA. I forgot that I do want kids someday. But I feel so good knowing that the priority has always been me and my goals, unrelated to a partner, or to children. Well, maybe there was this one time...but in the end, I feel it led me to B, so...

Now that I do feel like the career's on the right path, I'll tell you secretly, that I have started to think more about family. I sense myself being better prepared but not before another couple of years.

So what else about me? I got my hair cut. Chopped it right off! Great feeling. B notices that I'm happier. I do feel excitement creeping back into me after being so stressed out for a couple of years.

Seriously, if you're ever so stressed that you stop looking forward to life, make the positive change, or at least work toward it.

It feels very different coming back to this blog now. I feel less dramatic, less closed in by my own sadness.

What else...I went to Chicago. Mostly I practiced like crazy for months so I could get into grad school. That was my life for a year--- work full-time, then dinner and some dishes, then practice. No greater adventure than this.

So here I am, in my humble, cozy home. Happy to be older and more content.

finally home

I'm all settled in, well almost, 3 boxes to go.

We have this miracle of a home. We currently feel like the happiest people in the world. We got such a great deal on a house rental, it's crazy! No neighbours to worry about...seriously, I don't understand how it is that we got so lucky. Rent's $625 each + utilities. It's such a crazy steal.

I thought my parents would just die if they ever even heard the suggestion that we'd live together. Surprisingly, the most that I got was a heave of breath from my mom. I had been bracing myself for no-speaking-for-months, anger at him for influencing me, admonitions about sin. But no, my family loves the place.

Just goes to show you that sometimes, you can underestimate the understanding of your parents.

Now if only I can get hyped to play piano. I need a push if I'm going to make it into this Masters. I need to practice my ass off. But, for example, I mopped the floor and did dishes tonight. Yes, these are necessary, but I could've left them for him; or left them for tomorrow.

My mind is new to this scene of peace, which is perhaps why I'm slow to push myself into a tizzy once again. My mind leaps forward to anticipate some catastrophe where there is none. Sometimes, I hear a preemptive frequency that signals an emergency call and my heart moves forward in my chest. It's amazing what years of being alert for the worst does to your brain, amazing the deprogramming of muscles that must take place.

This is a much needed change for me, I realize even more. I had become anxious, looping my own fatalistic thoughts. I was tired all the time. I couldn't enjoy anything. And now I can take my time---where am I rushing to anyway?

It's funny thinking back to the anguish in my earliest posts. I couldn't have pictured this seeming perfection. I know the grief may come again (though I'm trying not to think the worst), but I vow to take the time to enjoy this.

Peace and love and freedom.

packing it in

...and up!

My last day of work was yesterday and my new job starts on Monday. I have moments when the reality of how great my life is hits me, when I think that really, I own the world. Leaving this job has left me with a healthy sense of my accomplishments, and of the fact that people actually did appreciate what I did for them; and beyond that, who I am. I have people really wanting me to have a house warming party so they could come and associate with me. Me! I didn't think I had extended myself enough for people to even care who I really am. I've written of some very dark moments in this blog. Many of those moments, I experienced here. I often thought that I was no longer myself, that I had grown tired of people, and I felt myself apologizing silently for not being better.

Whether I've grown so accustomed to pretending, or if people just forgave me for being human once in a while...I don't even know. But I feel truly blessed to be where I am right now. Sometimes, it's still not easy. I still second-guess myself, and I can scare myself sometimes, with thoughts of failure, and how fragile everything really is. We're all hanging on a thread, whether we know it or not...just look at all these people I've talked to, just like you and me, so "normal", and yet so broken. To me, nothing separates us but a moment of control that could slip away at any time. But the point is that sometimes, I'm still really scared that this will crash on me. This time, though, I'm taking the time to relish it.

I have been so touched by everyone's words of appreciation and the time they have taken to make my farewell party amazing. I can't get over it!! It makes me think I'm a pretty darn great person! Wow!!

Anyway, after getting sucked into watching The Two Coreys (I swear, TV is evil), I'm back to packing up. It's funny, I'm just taking things off walls and not even doing the usual one-last-look. I guess I'm really ready for the next thing!

And now Britney Spears is playing on Winamp, ooooh yeah, "get it, get it, (deep breathing), ....I'm a slaaaave for you...."

next chapter

B and I are moving in together. I've finally switched jobs to hopefully give me a fuller, less hectic life. We'll be building a beautiful life in a small house...we got a house in the city for such an awesome deal! There were rainbows along the way, literally. Sure, it's because we were having quite a bout of rain at the time, so one could say it's all coincidence, but I tend to see them as signs---signs that something better was coming up.

I usually see signs for the worse, so this time, I'll take them for the best. It'll be quiet. I'll play and he'll write. I look forward to my mind's rest and to deep breaths.

At first I didn't think my parents would like this whole arrangement too much. They're the conservative types. But, (and this is why the rainbows must have been a sign of divine intervention) they're all good with it. Me! Living with a boy that I'm not married to. My mind is blown.

I was stroking his face and hair while he lay on my lap. And I told him that I was glad I wrote that letter 3 years ago now. Wow! Three years ago. Such anguish and anxiety accompanied that letter. But I did know this could be really good and I'm glad I told him so.

And now I'm sleepy. In a way it's difficult to continue to keep this blog secret as I have to try and sneak time to do it, leading to fewer posts these days. Actually, no...it's because I've been busy living and not feeling like writing about it. Weird. But I'll keep coming back to this, I know it. For now, sweet dreams.

clarity of memory

So strange, but this morning, lying in bed and closing my eyes, I remember in detail our old house...textures and everything. It was so vivid that it was an effort for me to think of the layout of our current house.

I suppose it's because I really did spend more time there than here, as my mom pointed out. It's apparent to me that she sees it as a bit of a disappointment. She had this vision that this new house would be one in which I spend a lot of time, but I went away to university, so timing wasn't right. I wonder if this is the source of some regret that she somehow blames herself for. Then, I feel anger because somehow this disappointment is directed at me.

The fact that I didn't want to wait until I was married to move out because of the rules of the house has been difficult to explain. And it's more than just the rules. She also keeps wanting me to come back, or at least this was a very evident goal for a long time that I can't even take any gestures of help as sincere.

For some reason, every time I come home, I feel some kind of anger. And today, I realize that I am mad at my mom. Or maybe frustrated that I can do nothing to change her mind that she's not to blame for creating rules that I hated and rebelled against. She believed she was doing her best. My dad was behind these rules, too. And I'm angry for her making me feel like I have to assure her she's not to blame. She's constantly trying to make it up by serving us all, though we don't need it. I realize now that this is why I push her away when I can see all she wants is to make conversation and see what's up. She gets pretty excited to have me around. But somehow, I want her to get it through her head that she can stop trying to please me and make me feel loved, because I already know I'm loved and I was raised well. But no matter what, I'm never going to live here again. I chose my life the only sure way I knew.

I hate feeling angry, and as I become even more self-aware, perhaps to my detriment, I've been searching for the source of it. I always figure that if I can get to the root, I can deal with it or accept it. And today, as these thoughts took shape I got more and more worked up. And I realized they were true.

And so it is that we hurt most the ones we love.

ouch! my hip!

I must seriously be getting old, because my right hip area hurts. When I sit in a chair for too long, my lower back hurts. Now, I know people younger than me experience this, like my brother and my boyfriend, but I have never, ever, ever, been in pain from doing everyday things. My doctor says my constant headaches can also be caused by my body changing, nay, aging. Yeesh!

Sleepy now, but wishing to write. I think I have to start not thinking of the worst case scenario. I need to practice taking things as they come. Mind you, my job makes me think through to the worst in order to prevent it from happening. It works well at determining a proactive approach, but the mind habit it creates is awful.

Since I spent so much unfruitful time on facebook, I am now tired and not able to write more. Well, maybe a few thoughts jotted down...

- life is full of uncertainties that are most exciting (which also means a bit scary)
- I never feel that I'm settled --- always in transition
- "We'll figure it out" --- sure sounds lovingly long-term! And so does, "Well, I'm sure that I love you", in response
- I still like being alone
- I marvel at the person I've become, as I am asked for my opinion by some really important people, who also believe that I could really "climb the ladder", if only I'd choose to climb.
- the hold that music has on me will always be there
- if I had more money, many things would be easier
- I wouldn't trade my dreams and simplicity of being for all the money in the world (unless I could really benefit someone I care about --- life and death sort of thing --- and only if it doesn't harm others)
- sometimes I feel lost and sometimes I think I'm pretty damn awesome --- this can happen in the span of an hour!
- I love sleep.

Good night.

impossible

I can't believe anyone would even suggest that I add more duties to my job. Seriously, am I supposed to work 24/7? I work overtime a lot as it is. The operation is going so well, so why does anyone want to change it?

I do think that we're pushed and pushed and money is offered as the incentive. But money doesn't do it for me. I value balance above all, because without it, there will also be no sanity. As though a higher salary means that somehow I can do it all! I'm beginning to see how it is people end up with high paying jobs, lots of stress, and no real relationships. Then, they get trapped into thinking that their life is their work and their work is their life, so god forbid they should lose their jobs! They'll lose their lives as well. Then you get people retiring that no longer know what to do with themselves and feel useless, not even enjoying their own company.

Well, I refuse. I refuse to live for work. I refuse to create more clutter in my life that obscures what's most important...the symbiotic, strengthening relationships that I form with those that mean the most to me.

So go ahead and tell me I have to do more and offer me more money. I'll just say no and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

some time to myself

I'm saddened by the lack of motivation to write these days.

What's been going on? Well, work, work, and work again. I've been doing okay, except for the occasional difficult case, emotions and all. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a job, but it's terribly difficult cutting off anyway.

I'm afraid that one of my staff no longer thinks I care to support him in his difficulty and that he'll start acting up like he did in the beginning of the year. There's already a bit of evidence of that. I'm hoping he'll remain professional.

A great job opportunity is before me too. They really seem to want me to stay and are trying to keep me. But it's hard, when I value creativity (and sanity!) most. I could earn lots of money, wipe out my student debt, and save for some real estate. Man, I better make it or else I may regret this one. No, not true. I think this is draining me.

I'm once again at a crossroads. I sense I'm about to pick up and start a new phase in my life. It's exciting and scary, as these things usually go. Where will I live? Where will I work? Will I be successful at it? I'm gonna miss this place. It's truly my home. It's been my home for 6 years. But it's also starting to make me feel cloistered. I don't want to step out my door for fear of what I might encounter, i.e. for fear that I'll have to work when I don't want to. Despite the reminders in my head that each case is an opportunity and not merely a task, I no longer feel satisfied. Nor do I feel altruistic.

My best friend's getting married. That's another thing that's up. I'll be doing the maid of honour thing. Hope it's not too expensive, but I'm not holding my breath. It made me cry to be asked. We've know each other since we were kids, but I didn't know whether she thought of me as a best friend anymore since we're so busy these days. I'm glad she did. I love her so much and wish her all the happiness in the world!

Okay, losing steam with this post now. So, later!

a photo

...that perhaps shows the blurriness of my current state.

where to go next?

The new year's coming. I'm sick and am home alone while my family goes off to church. Admittedly, I feel pretty happy that I'm not hearing that priest that annoys the hell out of me with his absolutes.

I'm scared of going back to work. At the beginning of the new school year, I didn't think I'd mentally and spiritually make it this far. I wasn't sure I could handle the stress of the unexpected crises. But there I found myself, 3 times, in periods of varying length, in their midst. I amaze myself. This ability to hold my own in a situation I didn't create, while helping people is truly a gift. But lately, I have come to resent that this is my job. That I have to be the person that tells someone that it's time they took a long hard look at themselves so that they don't crash. It takes a lot of energy, doing this in a way that is neutral, that holds emotion back so as to present the most objective, unhurtful way of telling someone that they're just plain screwed up right now and that they have to fix it or stop making life hell for those around them.

There are times when I applaud myself for the help I can give to others. I am blessed with the gift to be able to extend a hand to those in utter misery, whether they know it or not. But I wonder what it's doing to me. I've said this before here, in some way or other, I'm sure. Sometimes, I feel a surge of emotion I can't even name...like all the emotions I've kept in check have percolated into a mush I can't squeeze out.

I need a break from this line of work. I think I can see it through another few months. I kind of feel bad because I've never quit anything, though I don't quite think of this as giving up. It has never been my priority, career-wise, so I do see this as a time for me to move on to something that I really truly want to do.

I just got the news that B isn't coming here for new years. Ugh! I'm more and more not becoming a fan of the New Year's Eve. You see, traditionally, it's spent with family. So I've never been allowed to go out with friends. I could choose to just go now, but I know it will not make the night good for my parents. They'll feel like it's just not complete. So I'm stuck in this damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation. I can't entirely blame them for it, but that's the source of this push-pull of emotions I'm experiencing.

Last year, B came, and it was so much fun. But now he's chosen not to ring in the new year with me. I'm being negative...he has chosen to ring in the new year with old friends that have known him for longer than I have. I just wish that he had picked me. I have to admit that I wonder if this bodes well. The last guy never once came. I wasn't enough of a draw. So, I feel like this is the same sort of situation. But at the same time, I want him to be happy. And logically, I don't see why he should have to be here with me, with my family, just because I can't go anywhere for new year's.

So I'm sure this is just an exaggerated view, from my currently emotional state. But I wish someone would just want to ring in the new year's with me, despite how boring that might be. I know that for him it's not the idea of not choosing me, but merely the idea of spending time with friends. Nothing wrong with that. And a guy shouldn't ever have to choose between me or his friends anyway. And besides, I didn't ask him about new year's because I wanted to give him the opportunity to see his friends if he wanted. I just hate it when it makes me feel bad in the end.

All these people are getting married around us, too. And no, I don't necessarily want to get married right now, but this has made me very aware of the seed of fear that is still within me. This thought, that all relationships are never truly a sure thing. Is this just cynicism on my part? How is it that my best friend is absolutely confident that she'll be married forever? I'm starting to believe again, with B, because he sure does seem to sincerely love me, but something like this new year's thing makes me think, "See what I mean. There's never a guarantee that someone will be with you forever!"

My best friend has asked if I think he's the one. And I say 'yes'. But in the back of my head is this thought that I don't really know because I once thought that and it wasn't true at all. But sometimes I really think that this is the one, until that insidious grain of a thought cunningly reasserts itself, and I'm left once more with uncertainty.

So happy new year everyone. I usher in the new year, sick, without the guy I love with me, and with an uncertainty about how I feel about the whole thing. So happy fucking new year...here's a toast to a year of checking feelings at the door, not trying out for a Masters, and for once more not being certain of who I am in all of it.