where to go next?

The new year's coming. I'm sick and am home alone while my family goes off to church. Admittedly, I feel pretty happy that I'm not hearing that priest that annoys the hell out of me with his absolutes.

I'm scared of going back to work. At the beginning of the new school year, I didn't think I'd mentally and spiritually make it this far. I wasn't sure I could handle the stress of the unexpected crises. But there I found myself, 3 times, in periods of varying length, in their midst. I amaze myself. This ability to hold my own in a situation I didn't create, while helping people is truly a gift. But lately, I have come to resent that this is my job. That I have to be the person that tells someone that it's time they took a long hard look at themselves so that they don't crash. It takes a lot of energy, doing this in a way that is neutral, that holds emotion back so as to present the most objective, unhurtful way of telling someone that they're just plain screwed up right now and that they have to fix it or stop making life hell for those around them.

There are times when I applaud myself for the help I can give to others. I am blessed with the gift to be able to extend a hand to those in utter misery, whether they know it or not. But I wonder what it's doing to me. I've said this before here, in some way or other, I'm sure. Sometimes, I feel a surge of emotion I can't even name...like all the emotions I've kept in check have percolated into a mush I can't squeeze out.

I need a break from this line of work. I think I can see it through another few months. I kind of feel bad because I've never quit anything, though I don't quite think of this as giving up. It has never been my priority, career-wise, so I do see this as a time for me to move on to something that I really truly want to do.

I just got the news that B isn't coming here for new years. Ugh! I'm more and more not becoming a fan of the New Year's Eve. You see, traditionally, it's spent with family. So I've never been allowed to go out with friends. I could choose to just go now, but I know it will not make the night good for my parents. They'll feel like it's just not complete. So I'm stuck in this damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation. I can't entirely blame them for it, but that's the source of this push-pull of emotions I'm experiencing.

Last year, B came, and it was so much fun. But now he's chosen not to ring in the new year with me. I'm being negative...he has chosen to ring in the new year with old friends that have known him for longer than I have. I just wish that he had picked me. I have to admit that I wonder if this bodes well. The last guy never once came. I wasn't enough of a draw. So, I feel like this is the same sort of situation. But at the same time, I want him to be happy. And logically, I don't see why he should have to be here with me, with my family, just because I can't go anywhere for new year's.

So I'm sure this is just an exaggerated view, from my currently emotional state. But I wish someone would just want to ring in the new year's with me, despite how boring that might be. I know that for him it's not the idea of not choosing me, but merely the idea of spending time with friends. Nothing wrong with that. And a guy shouldn't ever have to choose between me or his friends anyway. And besides, I didn't ask him about new year's because I wanted to give him the opportunity to see his friends if he wanted. I just hate it when it makes me feel bad in the end.

All these people are getting married around us, too. And no, I don't necessarily want to get married right now, but this has made me very aware of the seed of fear that is still within me. This thought, that all relationships are never truly a sure thing. Is this just cynicism on my part? How is it that my best friend is absolutely confident that she'll be married forever? I'm starting to believe again, with B, because he sure does seem to sincerely love me, but something like this new year's thing makes me think, "See what I mean. There's never a guarantee that someone will be with you forever!"

My best friend has asked if I think he's the one. And I say 'yes'. But in the back of my head is this thought that I don't really know because I once thought that and it wasn't true at all. But sometimes I really think that this is the one, until that insidious grain of a thought cunningly reasserts itself, and I'm left once more with uncertainty.

So happy new year everyone. I usher in the new year, sick, without the guy I love with me, and with an uncertainty about how I feel about the whole thing. So happy fucking new year...here's a toast to a year of checking feelings at the door, not trying out for a Masters, and for once more not being certain of who I am in all of it.