clarity of memory

So strange, but this morning, lying in bed and closing my eyes, I remember in detail our old house...textures and everything. It was so vivid that it was an effort for me to think of the layout of our current house.

I suppose it's because I really did spend more time there than here, as my mom pointed out. It's apparent to me that she sees it as a bit of a disappointment. She had this vision that this new house would be one in which I spend a lot of time, but I went away to university, so timing wasn't right. I wonder if this is the source of some regret that she somehow blames herself for. Then, I feel anger because somehow this disappointment is directed at me.

The fact that I didn't want to wait until I was married to move out because of the rules of the house has been difficult to explain. And it's more than just the rules. She also keeps wanting me to come back, or at least this was a very evident goal for a long time that I can't even take any gestures of help as sincere.

For some reason, every time I come home, I feel some kind of anger. And today, I realize that I am mad at my mom. Or maybe frustrated that I can do nothing to change her mind that she's not to blame for creating rules that I hated and rebelled against. She believed she was doing her best. My dad was behind these rules, too. And I'm angry for her making me feel like I have to assure her she's not to blame. She's constantly trying to make it up by serving us all, though we don't need it. I realize now that this is why I push her away when I can see all she wants is to make conversation and see what's up. She gets pretty excited to have me around. But somehow, I want her to get it through her head that she can stop trying to please me and make me feel loved, because I already know I'm loved and I was raised well. But no matter what, I'm never going to live here again. I chose my life the only sure way I knew.

I hate feeling angry, and as I become even more self-aware, perhaps to my detriment, I've been searching for the source of it. I always figure that if I can get to the root, I can deal with it or accept it. And today, as these thoughts took shape I got more and more worked up. And I realized they were true.

And so it is that we hurt most the ones we love.