I'm going through this strange, though not novel, experience. I keep wanting to wade through the world wide web, but I don't even know what I'm looking for specifically. It's partly a form of procrastination, I know, but I feel like it's a search for answers, stimulation, or inspiration. Not that I really expect to find inspiration on the web, but maybe someone will say something that inspires me. I think I should just walk outside. Yeah, maybe it's too much of being in this room.
On a grander scale, I think I'm searching for what I'm supposed to become. I feel like I'm searching for clues as to what I really want to accomplish in life. So clichéd! I'm trying to grasp at some unknown, intangible entity that will somehow more clearly define the outlines of the blurred visions I have of what the future holds in store. When I turn my mind's eye toward this vision, I literally see colors blurring into colors in undefined contours. I think that's why I feel a bit like a caged dog chasing its tail in a pet store cage. I recall the freedom of having a definite plan (I will go to highschool, university, get a summer job, etc.), but I can no longer find a blueprint for the upcoming one. I want to somehow contain the space that's opening up. The extra pressure comes from knowing I can do so much with the time that's drawing nearer and nearer. I want to make the right decision. More and more, I'm looking towards creating a full life for me as an individual---I mean, alone. No, this isn't a trace of the common rough, self-deprecating thread that runs through this blog. I really want to be able to stand alone amidst the people I love.
What to do....what to do....
