closing time

I spent an incredible day with my friends.

We haven't spent a whole day together in such a long time. I feel like a chapter of our lives is closing. We've been safe, living within a 15 min. maximum radius from each other. It's not like we spent every day together, but just knowing that we're there makes it feel safe. This really has been home to me---they've been home to me---for...9 years!

But things are shifting. We HAVE grown up. Jobs, financial reasons, relationship reasons, are coaxing us to stretch the heartstrings that hold us together---like rubber bands. They're stretching. I know they'll never break. But the people on the other ends may turn around the curb, out of sight. I'm sure I'll do my share of the stretching. More and more, it's going to be harder for us to pick up the phone and decide to do something on the spur of the moment. I won't be able to just up and decide to walk over to ____'s house.

We were all sitting around my dining room table and I couldn't help thinking how nice and happy it was. And I wonder if it'll ever happen again. It probably will, but maybe it won't be the same. Maybe better? Maybe we'll all find what's best for ourselves and that future gathering will be an even happier one.

My friends are incredible. Sometimes, some of them have annoyed me, and I'm sure I've annoyed them, but in the end, we know we're there for each other.

It's a little disturbing for me to wonder whether I've become too comfortable. I don't like things shaking up my world too much. It's possible that there's good reason for this. I've done a lot of shaking things up. I'm happy to have experienced stability. But in discussing ____'s future today, I realized that maybe I've been waiting for life to throw something good my way. I used to work really hard for what I wanted, but somehow, I got into a comfortable niche, and haven't thought that maybe there's something better that awaits, if only I look out for it and reach out.

I'm scared of what'll happen to me when they go or when I go. I know that I'm scared of being alone, despite knowing that I'll make more friends. But they'll never be THESE friends. I think it's partly the fear that there is nothing better out there.

I'm really gonna miss them. There was so much freedom in all of this. I love them so much!