I feel rather happy, or content. Not sure why. Nothing has really changed. It's warmer, but there's still a chill in the air. Regardless, I feel like I've got the energy to be productive for a change.
I feel a closeness to the one past. That's not surprising. It's interesting, though, seeing the type of love change. I feel a connection and a comfort with the thought of him, with hints of nostalgia and a definite smile. Already, the idea of physical intimacy is gently being eroded by time. I'm okay with that. It is strange. There was a time when I couldn't imagine life without him. And yet, here I am---happy, even. And I wonder what it would be like to kiss him again. There would be something of a strangeness to it, I think. Like something unknown had been inserted between us and we'd be kissing through that. It would be more like an observant kiss, relating the past to the present. I think we may actually be able to be friends someday.
And the possible other feels comfortable, yet distant. I think the distance has to do not just with place but with quality of communication, which is still pretty good, and quite constant, but has a different feel---familiar, but maybe lacking a degree of substance. And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it.
